Parents: Build Hope! (It IS Possible)

To build hope may seem counterintuitive when our children are making ungodly choices. In a recent text thread, a friend said to me, “There’s always hope because there’s Christ!”

“Yes!” said my heart. I love encouraging, basic truths.

“Yes!” said my theology. I love the perfect symmetry and bright logic of the gospel message. 

However, I often find myself ready to listen to other voices as well. I seem ready to ask:

“What about the turmoil that my child’s choices have brought into the family?” 

“What about the despair that makes so much sense as I watch her pursue a steady path away from her Creator?” 

“What about the intensely dark times when I fear that nothing will change?”

We may feel that if we tell ourselves that hope is somewhere out there for the taking—the believing—we will be deceiving ourselves. Have we given up on building reliable hope?

How have we arrived at this spiritual and mental point, even though Scripture speaks of “the God of hope” (Rom. 15:13), and of the “hope to which he has called you” (Eph. 1:18)—not to mention “a new and living hope” (1 Pet. 1:3)? Scripture is full of hope, so it must be available to believers.

Questions to Help Build Hope

When we feel hopeless, there’s a lot going on in our hearts. Despair takes root when we begin to believe untruths about our Creator—we forget God’s character and power over all. With the Holy Spirit’s help, we need to examine our thoughts before the Lord. We can ask ourselves the following questions to help build hope in God through sorrow.

1. When I say, “It’s hopeless!” what am I really saying?

First, I’m saying that my child is in charge, that his choices and opinions are the final word and cannot be challenged—by me or by God. In other words, I have granted sovereignty to him! That thinking perfectly reflects and falls in line with the current philosophy of a fallen world. Rather, I need to be saying, “The word of the Lord endures forever” (1 Pet. 1:25) and “Your word is truth” (John 17:17)! 

Second, yes, my child’s actions are sinful, but God is permitting them. I’ve lost sight of Rom. 8:28: “We know that for those who love God, all things work together for good.” I’ve forgotten that God says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways” (Isa. 55:8), and that his plan never contains “oops” events. I have forgotten that he brings good out of evil; I’ve forgotten that his is a long-range view that need not map onto my timetable. When I forget these things, I’m essentially believing that my ways are better than God’s.

Third, when I say, “it’s hopeless,” I may really be saying that I need to explore more deeply what the redemptive work of Christ should mean in my life. What should be the effects of the fact that Christ came to redeem me, to make it possible for me to walk with him, to trust him? In short, what does the Lord have ready to teach me in the “curriculum” he has personalized for me amid all of this (See 1 Pet. 5:6, 7)?

2. What may be tangling my hopes and goals?

First, I need to examine some of my assumptions. Have I assumed, for example, that an outward change in my child (such as no more opposite-gender clothing, no more insistence on a name or pronouns) is a satisfactory goal? Or am I hoping and praying for a heart change? If my child’s heart really changes, will I know? Yes, over time, parents will know! Our children will be changed from the inside by the Spirit’s unmistakable work (see Gal. 5:16–23).

Second, I need to admit that I may be considering “shaving” what Scripture says to “maintain the relationship.” However, if I allow myself to minimize or manipulate the truth, I am undercutting my own foundation and am saying to my child that she may do the same. That should be an example I never want to set.

Third, my child needs God’s truth more than a relationship with me. The Lord Jesus explained this truth when he said, in Matthew 10:34–39 and Luke 12:49–53, that his truth may function like a “sword,” dividing close relationships. I may be trying to avoid that painful but necessary choice.

Build Hope by Considering Truth

Along with examining our hearts before the Lord, to build hope we must intentionally remind ourselves of what’s true. So, before I really begin to feel hopeless, I can consider the following…

1. What can build reliable hope?

First, I need to ask the Lord’s grace to keep HIM constantly as my focus . . . not my daughter or my son, not me, not the situation, not a particular solution. This is not as easy as it may sound. Initially, it may be a concerning thing to realize how seldom he is my real focus! Also, I may be too busy trying to be the catalyst in the situation—trying to force change, trying to “schedule” and do the Holy Spirit’s heart-change job for him. Rather, I need to be occupied with my most important assignment: being a prayer warrior!

Second, I need to leave the category of “goals” mostly blank. I don’t really know all the things the Lord intends to accomplish during this journey, whether in me or in my child. I DO know that he works to make me more like his Son. I can note the things I see him accomplish and give him thanks, but my requests to him (Phil. 4:6, 7) need to be laid out before him without insisting on my methods or a timetable.

Third, I may sometimes feel that it’s overly simplistic or pious to say that my hope must be in the Lord. Actually, that is exactly what I should say—and mean it. Jesus Christ himself, our God, Creator, Redeemer, burden-bearer is the only one who can not only fully understand, but also fully help. I need to be humble enough to admit my weakness, and I need to ask constantly for his strength and grace. He promises to be with me (see Deut. 31:8). Unless he is untrue to his Word (an impossibility), he will always hear and answer (see Psalm 4:1). There is no better way to build hope than to consider the faithfulness of Christ.

2. How can I be ready for the emotional “roller coaster”?

First, be honest about it. It will happen. The only way to avoid it is to not love my child at all! Besides, if I really believe that God has a purpose for my life as a result of my child’s situation, I will willingly ask him for strength. By his grace, I can also ask that he will use those “low” times, as well as the encouragements, to push me to himself. 

Second, I must become a prayer warrior for myself as well as for my child. I will pray that the Lord will bring godly people and influences into both of our lives. I will pray for those people to reflect the truth to my child. For myself, I will pray that the Lord will send godly “fellow-pilgrims” for the long haul (see Eph. 6:18).

Third, I must be diligent in nourishing my own relationship with Christ if I am to be prepared to be an anchor for my child. My child must be able to see that I genuinely love and trust my Savior. Probably, I will not know what my child is thinking, but I can ask the Lord to work in my life those qualities that will speak to my child by example (see Matt. 5:16).

Scripture says, ”Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season, we will reap, if we do not give up” (Gal. 6:9). THAT’S a recipe for real, reliable HOPE!