Parents, Watch Out for Bad Advice

Ben and Ruth sat down on the sofa on Monday evening to pray together as they usually did. One of their constant requests was for their 30-year-old daughter, who had told them about a year ago that she was trans. Ben and Ruth had shared the situation with a few friends and had just returned from a weekend conference for parents like themselves who are looking for helpful input.

“You know,” began Ben, “I was pretty surprised at that conference. One of the speakers kept coming back to the idea of keeping your child’s happiness as the goal. He didn’t seem to say much about right and wrong.”

Ruth added, “Well, Scripture says that we’re blessed when we follow God’s ways. It doesn’t make much sense to hope to find happiness when we are going against what he says.”

Recognizing Bad Advice

Advice is plentiful. Opinions, recommendations, suggestions from others—everyone seems to have a viewpoint on the sexual aberrations and freedoms of our day. How can parents know whether what they are told or advised by others is worth considering? Even advice from fellow-believers needs to be examined before it is woven into your approach to your child who identifies as LGBTQ+. Why? Because, even if you do not have much contact with them, your opinion and example are crucial in your son or daughter’s thinking.

What are some “filters” that will help parents recognize bad advice? Use these five check-up questions to gain discernment about the advice you will receive:

1. Does the advice prioritize the child’s happiness as the goal?

Sin often has a temporary, short-lived “happiness” to offer (Heb. 11:25), but solid joy and contentment is not the same as ethereal excitement or fleeting satisfaction. Christlikeness is the Lord’s goal for your child. It is not God’s plan that humans should find joy and contentment in things he has forbidden. As the Creator, he knows and directs us to what fulfills us: his design.

2. Does the advice regard the child’s feelings or choices as primary and directive?

What happened in the Garden of Eden should be instructive here. Adam and Eve desired and chose to enjoy the fruit, having already elevated their desires and choices above the directives of their Creator. We are all on the wrong track when we decide to “follow our hearts!” Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Feelings are real, and we have the God-given freedom to make choices (that all come with responsibility and consequences). But when those desires and choices are not molded by the Lord and his Word, but only “follow our hearts,” results will not be good.

3. Does the advice minimize human fallenness?

Scripture, as exemplified in the writings of the Apostle Paul, defines our fallenness as being spiritually dead, and in need of the work of the Holy Spirit who gives us spiritual life through Christ. Fallenness, or sin, is a term used to describe our inherited state of rebellion against our Creator. We choose and commit sins because we are fallen sinners. Fallenness is serious business. Any advice is dangerous if it minimizes fallenness or does not emphasize our total need for God’s plan of redemption through Christ. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

4. Does the advice dilute the authority of Scripture?

Much advice will sound good, perhaps because it appeals to our egos or our sinfulness.

Hence, we must honestly test it against Scripture. For example, advice that makes us feel good about ourselves, suggesting that we can do what’s right without God’s help, actually amounts to a very flimsy foundation for choices we make. Any real change in a person is a heart change, the work of the Holy Spirit. If that is not the crux of the advice, then it is questionable.

5. Does the advice minimize God?

The sin of Adam and Eve, at its core, minimized God and sought to replace him with themselves. Their words and their actions did, after all, show that they had placed themselves in a position to pass judgment on his words and, hence, on his position as Creator, which gave him the right to be in charge. They became their own source of truth. God, not we, deserves carte blanche when it comes to making the rules, setting the truth, for his creation.

How can parents “filter” out bad advice?

It may seem easier in the moment to avoid truth and to accept bad advice, but both of those are dangerous choices.

God’s truth and a knowledge of God’s character are rooted in Scripture, his means of communication with us. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would be our teacher. The Lord Jesus, through his death and resurrection on our behalf, has made it possible for us to approach God in prayer. Combine those two things—pursuit of Scripture and the practice of prayer—and you have what it takes! Hosea 6:3 says, “Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.” Saturating your mind with Scripture (regular, serious reading) and taking time to talk with your Father (see Philippians 4:5–7) will help you to “ . . . not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God that is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom. 12:2, 3).

To strengthen their filters, parents need to know Jesus Christ increasingly well. Ask the Spirit to help you pursue and build this essential relationship. The best thing you can do for your child, in addition to faithful prayer, is to reflect that Savior and model his truth.