Don’t Repress Out-of-Bounds Sexual Desires, Resist Them

Sex, sexual desires, and our sexuality always exist to bless those around us. That idea may sound surprising, even shocking.

Modern psychology tells us—and, indeed, our entire culture seeks to convince us—that it’s harmful to resist or deny sexual desires and urges. They’re seen by many as simple biological needs that demand expression. We’re told that it’s unhealthy not to express sexual desires.

That might be true, were it not for the fact that sex, biblically speaking, never really is about “us”—about “me.” Biblical sex is about the other person. I would go so far as to say that how we use sex (within the confines of one man and one woman in marriage) and how we use our sexuality is always for the benefit of others and the glory of God.

Why Did God Give Sexual Desires?

Ideally, sex is about bringing all of who we are as male or female to bless someone else. As archaic as it may seem, the Bible tells us that sex blesses others and reflects God in the context of marriage between one man and one woman. Outside of this context, sexual activity is no longer a sanctified blessing but rebellion against God’s life-giving command.

Where then does this leave the unmarried, divorced, or widowed—God’s people who have legitimate, God-given sexual desires but no legitimate context for expressing them? Well, they are dependent on God to meet the heart’s desires that they might otherwise seek to fill through sex.

We voluntarily render and submit our hearts, minds, and bodies to Christ, as well as our desires. Sometimes we must do that on a daily basis.

But what about another scenario that God’s people might find themselves in—what about those who experience sexual desire towards the same sex? What about those who struggle with gender distress and are tempted to re-order their bodies to fit their perceived gender and live as the opposite sex? Like the unmarried, divorced, or widowed, God will meet their desires for things like intimacy, connection, and support in other ways. But there will never be a legitimate way to meet disordered desires. These must be addressed with the heart’s intent—especially with the help of others—to walk in faith, repentance, and obedience, continually seeking to put to death sinful desires.

Married folks may also be dealing with corrupt desires outside God’s boundaries. The point is that all sexual expression or sexual desires must be stewarded (that is, managed and supervised) by Scripture and under the Lordship of Christ. And, brothers and sisters, this is a life-long endeavor.

Yes, We Must Resist Out-of-Bounds Sexual Desires

This is tough stuff.

Thinking about sex, sexuality, and sexual desires this way runs contrary to the culture. It runs smack up against the messages about sex and sexuality we get from advertising, TV, and the movies. Both subtly and blatantly, we’re constantly fed the lie that our drives and urges must be met at all costs—that it’s our right to do so.

Resisting where our sexual desires might take us is not for the faint-hearted. It’s hard work. It’s a form of suffering, made more extraordinary because it’s entirely voluntary. We voluntarily render and submit our hearts, minds, and bodies to Christ, as well as our desires. Sometimes we must do that on a daily basis.

Resistance—Not Repression—and Self-Knowledge

By “repressing,” I’m talking about unhelpfully stifling feelings, fears, and desires instead of facing them. The Lord doesn’t tell us to “repress” out-of-bounds sexual desires; instead, he commands us to face them, to bring them into the light of confession and repentance.

There’s an unseen benefit to resisting instead of repressing. C.S. Lewis, the Oxford University professor who wrote more than 40 books (including Mere Christianity, The Four Loves, The Great Divorce, and, of course, the beloved Narnia chronicles), had something of value to say about this.

In Mere Christianity, Lewis points out that resisting sexual desires is about knowing more of what fuels our heart and emotions:

People often misunderstand what psychology teaches about ‘repressions.’ It teaches that ‘repressed’ sex is dangerous. . . . But when an adolescent or an adult is engaged in resisting a conscious desire, he is not dealing with a repression. . . . On the contrary, those who are seriously attempting chastity are more conscious, and soon know a great deal more about their own sexuality than anyone else. They come to know their desires . . . as a rat-catcher knows rats or a plumber knows about leaky pipes. Virtue—even attempted virtue—always brings light; indulgence brings fog. (102)

It’s in the active mode of resisting our desires that we come to know more of what fuels our hearts and emotions. In resisting, we come to be more aware of our true selves.

Finding Satisfaction in Christ

In a world that offers numerous ways to dull our emotions and anesthetize our anxieties, fears, and uncertainties (and that, often through sex), knowing oneself is an amazing thing. It opens us up to knowing God in the depth of our desires in ways we’ve never imagined—even those desires that might take us to dark places if we pursued them.

This resistance is about Christ in us and the power he brings for godly living.

We commit our unmet desires to God for him to satisfy in his own way—in his own timing.

Of course, there’s more than a hint of the supernatural in all of this. It’s not ordinary to resist the erotic pulls of the heart. It can be done only with the power God gives through union with Christ and his Spirit driving us to worship him and put him first in our lives. We commit our unmet desires to God for him to satisfy in his own way—in his own timing.

This is not repression; it’s honestly admitting our desires—and yielding them to the God who knows us completely yet loves us with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3).

Jesus demonstrated this by putting aside his own desires, drives, and needs and yielding them to his Father. He did this so we could know his forgiveness and love despite the weakness of our own flesh, our history of failures, and our ongoing struggles. As we look to Jesus, resisting sinful sexual desires through his power, we get a true knowledge of ourselves, our need for him, and the joy of his fellowship.