Pastors and Leaders: Is YOUR Child Choosing LGBTQ+?

Yes, this happens. Frequently.

It seems that Satan is especially intent upon precisely this kind of destructive work. If you have a child choosing LGBTQ+, you may feel it threatens your ministry.

Concern and heartbreak flood in for your child and family. But there is another level of bewilderment, maybe even panic: What does this do to the ministry? In addition, you may wonder whether one concern outweighs the other. Is there a careful way to balance the reality of my child’s choices and the integrity of my ministry? Is there a way to think through this tangle . . . and how do I, the parent, survive?

Very succinctly, let’s recall some basics for any believing parents facing the LGBTQ+ choices of their child. Then we’ll add a few specialized concepts to steady the thinking of the pastor or ministry professional. A question-and-answer format will work well to examine this difficult situation.

The Basics

How could this happen?

First, this is not an “oops.” It is sovereignly permitted—it’s God-intended—not just for my child, but for me. “Intended” does not mean it’s a good thing or that God approves. So why is it happening? That question is rarely answered, but the “all things” of Romans 8:28 include these events. Strange and even unacceptable and contradictory as it may seem, God has purpose in this: our good and his glory as he defines both.

Next, your child is a fallen sinner. Sin nature means that we, like Adam, have turned our backs on our Creator and have put ourselves in his place. Again, like Adam, we have decided to be the ones who make the rules; we’re in charge, we choose our way, establish our own truth, and thereby scuttle God’s authority and design. Even in the best of Christian home environments and with a profession of faith in their past, a (believing) child or adult can wander badly. In Romans 6:13–19 and 7:24, 25, Paul bluntly tells believers not to serve sin—because we can choose to do so.

What did I do to cause this? 

Most likely, nothing. Have you sought, by God’s grace, to lovingly and diligently teach your child God’s Word in openness and warmth (Deut. 6:4–9; Eph. 6:4)? You cannot force anyone to sin. LGBTQ+ behavior is your child’s choice; it’s not a result of some sort of second cause on the parent’s part. The child will be held accountable for the chosen sin. Even though the parent has genuinely raised the child “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord,” the child can choose to serve sin (see the prodigal son, Luke 15:11–32), suppressing the truth and rejecting the Creator (Rom. 1). Satan would love to load the parent with false guilt. If the parent takes on that guilt, he will be led into numerous attempts to “fix” things.

What can I do to fix it?

Nothing. If you’ve assumed you caused your child’s choices, then you’ve opened the logic that sets you up as the fixer. The choices of your child are heart choices, a result of fallenness. Scripture is clear that we cannot change another’s heart; indeed, we cannot even change our own (Jer. 17:9). Only the Holy Spirit can change hearts. Only through regeneration and the gift of redeeming faith, or through his restorative work of applying biblical truth in a believer’s mind, can hearts be changed. The Spirit does the “fixing” (Eph. 2:1–10). Don’t attempt a job that isn’t yours! Yes, God can work in children’s hearts (especially younger children who live at home) through their parents taking particular steps and redirecting them away from LGBTQ+ paths. But the parent supports the Spirit’s work primarily by being a prayer warrior.

Specialized Concepts

These can be common questions in the minds of pastors and ministry professionals with a child choosing LGBTQ+.

Do my child’s choices and conduct mean that I have not “managed my household well”?

Many ministry professionals assume they’ve failed in their parental responsibility if their child is straying. Pastors rightly look to 1 Timothy 3:4, 5 for what their ministry qualifications are, but managing one’s household well is not the same as ending up with certain results.

The goal, of course, is that constant teaching of truth would guide children into faith. But good results cannot be guaranteed simply because good effort was made. Consistent biblical teaching, consistent godly discipline, setting a faithful, personal example—that is good management. Maintaining a loving and biblically correct structure to promote the spiritual health of the family is not the same as—nor does it automatically guarantee—good results.

On one hand, poor management will almost certainly encourage a child’s wayward behavior. On the other hand, it’s possible that a child may choose ungodly paths even though a parent has indeed managed well. Results may not align with faithful efforts, at least at present.

Do my child’s choices and conduct negate my call to ministry?

To say “yes” to this question would be an unwarranted leap of logic, though Satan would probably be glad to suggest the idea. 

If, for the sake of argument, we grant that the Lord has sovereignly placed a parent into ministry, and we grant that a well-managed household has been characteristic of that parent, there is no ground on which to question the legitimacy of that call or work of ministry. To do so begins to question God’s sovereign guidance at one point based upon unwelcome future events . . . as if God didn’t know what was coming when He facilitated Pastor Smith’s undertaking of ministry!

It makes much more sense to ask how the Lord will weave the present challenge (and grief) into Pastor Smith’s ministry. How will his child choosing LGBTQ+ deepen his compassion, expand his perception, and open new areas in which he can say honestly to hurting people, “I know what you’re facing”? Perhaps it is a good illustration of Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Do my child’s choices and conduct mean I should consider a ministry hiatus?

This may be a helpful possibility in some contexts.

Especially if the child is a minor and still at home, lessening a parent’s obligations that require much time away from home could temporarily be helpful. It would allow for more parental oversight, more involvement with the child, more first-hand knowledge of the situation. 

The departure of a child from truth (especially a minor child) has a huge ripple effect on the rest of the family. As a destroyer, Satan often uses it to drive wedges between spouses (anger, blame, differing approaches) or to polarize siblings and other family members. Being more available and present to lead, set an example, and give comfort as the scenario unfolds may be the more important call for a while. 

The decision to step away from part or all of active ministry for a while should not be made hastily, however, but in the context of godly counsel. A hiatus in ministry would be for the benefit of the affected family and would allow the pastor or ministry professional to stabilize his or her own responses. It does not mean one should not be in ministry at all.

Will I be defeated by my child’s choices, or will I move on trusting the Lord?

One’s child choosing LGBTQ+ can destroy a believer, or it can be the springboard for significant, personal deepening and growth. Three things will help determine which outcome occurs. Ask the Lord for these things:

1. The presence of committed and prayerful fellow pilgrims who will support for the long haul.
2. A serious, honest pursuit of Scripture and prayer. These are the essential lifelines.
3. Biblical, compassionate, counsel.

Remember: this is, inexplicably, not an “oops” in the child’s life. God’s sovereignty has not lost its grip. Foreknowledge and purpose are in the Lord’s ways—even when it’s your child choosing LGBTQ+.

It is the LORD who goes before you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)