Living Out of Our Hearts: A Biblical View of Behavior

This article is adapted from session two of Transforming Love: Women, Sexual Struggles, and Help in Christ, a free video course for women seeking help for sin struggles and sexual shame. Click below to watch the whole of session two: “Living Out of Our Hearts: A Biblical View of Behavior.” (You can watch session one here!)

I’ve had the honor of learning many stories of women who needed a safe, Christ-centered place to get help for sexual sin. They needed to learn a biblical view of behavior to begin living out of transformed hearts, for God’s glory. If that’s you today, you may be feeling all kinds of emotions—maybe fear, shame, or maybe you’re feeling hopeful for the first time in a while.

God doesn’t need you to have everything figured out or even to feel like you’re 100% ready to let go of sinful behaviors. But let me ask you: are you willing to look to Jesus for help and hope? Are you willing to take the next small step in front of you? Maybe that step for today is just watching this video and praying through the prayer points at the end.

In this session we have three key ideas to cover:

1. Why do we do the things we do?
2. How a biblical view of behavior stemming from our hearts gives hope for change.
3. Union with Christ as the foundation for our true identity.

A Biblical View of Behavior: Why Do I Do the Things I Do?

Have you ever grappled with that question? Have you ever done something and then later wondered, “what was I thinking?!?” Maybe you’re watching this video course because this question has been deeply painful for you; it feels hopeless, with no clear answers in sight. Here are some questions from real women who have sought help at Harvest USA:

• If I believe the Bible’s teaching on sex outside of marriage, why do I keep crossing my own boundaries with guys?
• I’ve never felt at home in my own body, maybe I’m trans or non-binary? Why do I feel the way I do?
• Why can’t I just control myself and not masturbate? Or go to sexual fantasies? I hate these habits!
• I don’t really want to be involved with sex and sexuality, it seems gross to me. Maybe I’m asexual?
• I keep saying for the hundredth time that I’m done with porn, but I always find myself going back to it; I feel like I’m in a pit.
• I feel so confused by my own desires. I feel like I might be gay, but why would I be this way? I didn’t choose this!

These are complex questions, to be sure, but part of our hope in Christ is that God speaks to us in his Word about these deep issues of the heart. We can develop a biblical view of behavior. In Romans 7, the apostle Paul cries, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (v. 15). He goes on to say, “For I do not do the good I want but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (v. 19). Then in a final lament, he says, “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” (v. 24).

This may seem like doom and gloom, but there is real hope to be found here. Just as a high fever indicates that your body is going to war with a virus or other illness, so does the sadness and perplexity you feel over your sexual sin point to the real life of God’s Spirit battling within you! Paul goes on to say:“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1).

Paul gives us real encouragement amid deep struggle: we can seek God’s face as we battle our sin with NO condemnation. This is how we engage the battle against sin without giving into hopelessness or despair. We will talk more about what it means to be in Christ, fighting sin, and under no condemnation in this session. But I’ll say this: it’s a good thing if you’re not at peace with your sin. As a step towards sexual integrity, it’s important to look beyond your outward behavior, and that’s what we will do in this session.

So, let’s go back to our original question: Why do we do the things we do, even when we want to stop? Why do some of us struggle with anger and others not at all? Where do sexual struggles come from? Are we destined to do certain things simply because of our upbringing, parental experience, or trauma?

A Biblical View of Behavior Flowing from the Heart Gives Hope for Change

The Harvest USA tree model is an explanation of how our human struggles, including those of a sexual nature, develop in our lives based on Luke 6:43–45. The tree model also sheds light on how we can change only through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only Christ can bring change from the inside out—by transforming our hearts! A biblical view of behavior always links our actions to our hearts.

Many complex factors are at play in each of us. We didn’t one day suddenly have the struggles we face now but have been slowly growing and bearing fruit, just like a tree.

Fruit

The fruit represents our behaviors and thoughts. Fruit is not always bad; every Christian has both good fruit of the Spirit growing in their lives and, alongside that, bad fruit of the flesh. The Christian life is the process of ongoing repentance and change as we keep our eyes on Jesus. Just like fruit on a tree doesn’t grow overnight, our behaviors don’t develop in one day—and they don’t change in one day, either!

Seed

The seed represents the human heart, the central place of our will and decision-making. We live from our hearts. Jesus said, “out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person” (Matt. 15:19–20a). A biblical view of behavior affirms that all of our behavior and thoughts come ultimately from our hearts, though there are many other factors that influence us.

Soil

The soil represents influences outside of our control and our experience of life in this fallen world—including trials and blessings. These soil influences exert strong shaping power upon the heart. Soil influences are things like our experience of family, our strengths and weaknesses, experiences of trauma, blessings we have, our body type, personality, mental health struggles, and so on.

All of these can certainly exert a strong shaping influence, but thankfully none of them can make us do (or not do) certain things. How hopeful that our circumstances don’t determine how our lives will go and the nature of our struggles with sin! But it’s also humbling to remember we each have weaknesses and tendencies that have developed in part because of unchosen influences in our lives.

Roots

Roots represent our desires. These are God-given capacities to long for certain things like love, affirmation, significance, pleasure, control, comfort, intimacy, and freedom from pain, just to name a few. These desires can be controlled by and submitted to God or controlled by and driven by our sinful hearts. Our desires are not always sinful, yet they can motivate us in a direction toward what is pleasing to the Lord or toward disobedience. Our hearts are revealed in our priorities as we desire certain things and then go after them.

Trunk

The trunk represents our belief system, or worldview. This is what we believe about ourselves, God, others, and life itself. It’s not our spoken faith or theology but our actual, lived-out, functional beliefs which are manifested by the fruit of our tree: our behaviors and thoughts. The trunk represents “how we think life works.” All of us have certain beliefs about life that drive how we live, things like:

“I’m worthless and undesirable.”

“I’m different from all the other women.”

“I must avoid emotional pain at all costs.”

“God helps those who help themselves.”

“Sex is power.”

“Sex is dangerous.”

“Men only want one thing.”

“God is punishing me.”

Many of our beliefs do not align with the truth of God’s Word. In humility, we must seek to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom. 12).

The Tree Model and You

So how does the tree model relate to you? As you sit here, how can a biblical view of behavior—understanding what motivates your desires, thoughts, behaviors, heart, and experiences—help you with your struggles for sexual faithfulness?

Let’s look at a story of a woman who had real faith but also struggled deeply with her sexuality. Can you identify the components of the tree model while you read her story?

Jen is in her thirties and works as a bookkeeper for a Christian missions organization. She grew up in a Christian home and says she came to a saving understanding of the gospel in her teen years. But Jen has a secret that she is deeply ashamed of: she has had an on-and-off battle with pornography use and masturbation since middle school, when she got an iPhone. Her parents never talked to her about sex or porn, and she never heard about it in church. She wonders if anyone would accept her if they knew about this struggle. In fact, she’s never even heard of a woman who struggles with pornography, let alone someone at her church in whom she could confide for help. Jen has a heart for missions, a sweet humility, and enjoys serving in the kids’ ministry at her church. She so desperately wants to honor God yet feels a shadow of shame hanging over her at all times. When she gives in to temptation, she sometimes despairs and wonders if she is even really a Christian. For Jen, loneliness is a weekly discouragement. She feels left behind by her peers who are starting to move into the married-with-kids phase. Weekends are hard for Jen; she longs to be known, to have a husband to enjoy life with, and desires a fulfilling life of sexual and relational intimacy with a man and a few kids to fill a home. She struggles with thoughts like: There must be something wrong with me if guys don’t seem interested in me. Maybe God is punishing me for my sexual sin struggles all these years, I deserve to be alone. Why isn’t God answering my prayers and delivering me from this struggle with porn?!

Jen has had some painful experiences in her friendships, especially in college. She sometimes feels she’s not meant for the “girl world” because her female friendships always blow up with drama and confusing pain. It’s made her feel hesitant to open up to her friends, even her closest ones.

Jen reached out to Harvest USA because she heard about it from an event at her church. Though she’s scared to talk about these things, she knows she needs help understanding how she got into this mess. With a pounding heart, she shared her long struggle with porn with shame-filled tears. She wondered, “Can anyone really help me?”

Maybe you can relate to some of Jen’s story, or maybe your struggles are completely different. But, as we say often in our ministry, we’re all a lot more alike than different. Though your own battles with sexual integrity or gender-related distress may feel like the thing that looms largest, I want to encourage you to not be so focused on the “fruit” of your tree—your outward behavior. God cares about that, yes. But to grow and change, your heart, motives, desires, and thought life need attention, care, and help!

It may feel like your Christian life would be greatly improved if you could just end your struggle with sexual sin, but let me offer you this idea: What if God desires to do so much more than just reform your outward behavior? A biblical view of behavior is much more rich. What if God is offering you the gift of resting more deeply in him, because he loves you?

Union with Christ is the Foundation of Our Identity

Being united with Christ means that Christians are one with God because of what he has done for them.

This connection, or union, is a gift from God, received by faith. Believers don’t earn it through good works or inherit it from their parents or spiritual leaders! It is given freely by God’s kindness. Galatians 2:20 says: “I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me.”

If you are a Christian, despite how you may feel from one day to the next, something has fundamentally changed about you: you’ve been united to Christ! In a very real sense, it’s not you living your life anymore, but Jesus in you as you live by faith in this life. There is mystery to this, but it is a deep truth that changes everything about how we fight sin, especially sexual sin. Why?

Because, if we are in eternal union with the triune God, this means that our identity is based on his perfect record, not on our changing behaviors and desires from one day to the next.

Union with Christ is your identity. Your behavior is no longer your identity.

Think about that! Every other role in your life is, in some way, defined by your behavior—something you’ve done or not done. The good news for Christians is that, in union with Christ, we are freed from finding our identity in what we have or have not done. Instead, we are “hidden in Christ” (Col. 3:3).

But there’s another important concept to understand here, and that’s called communion with God. Communion with God is how we relate to and feel God’s presence in our lives and interact with him through various ways of experiencing his grace.

Unlike our union with Christ, which does not change, our communion with God can grow and shrink. Communion can depend on our effort or lack of effort. Sometimes we feel great joy in our connection with Christ, and other times we feel tired and discouraged. Even strong believers have times when they find it hard to commune with God.

Allow me to illustrate it this way: A man has two daughters. One loves to sit on her dad’s lap and read with him, help with yard work, and go for long walks in the park. The other daughter spends most of her time in her room with the door closed, watching movies and scrolling on her phone. She rarely spends time with her dad and has started to think he doesn’t love her. Her past bad experiences have made it hard for her to believe in her dad’s love. Though her dad always invites her to spend time with him, she usually says no.

Are both girls his daughters? Are both in the family? Yes! But one daughter knows her dad better, enjoys his company, and benefits from his advice, while the other is missing out on the joy of that relationship. Here’s the beautiful thing: Both are his children, neither will be cast away, and both are loved and a part of the family!

This helps us understand the difference between union and communion. That being said, all analogies break down; this one is no exception because the grace of God is so much better than the love of any earthly father. This means it’s not all up to you to make sure you get communion with Jesus right. A biblical view of behavior means that, if you struggle with reading the Bible or spending intentional time with Jesus, you are invited and welcomed to come to Jesus in prayer and ask for help! Even when we struggle to commune with Jesus, he is a ready and able helper, working in us that which is pleasing to him!

A biblical view of behavior shows that growing in holiness and sexual integrity is not only about you stopping certain behaviors, though it is not less than that. It is also a process of you learning to pursue God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Seeking a deeper intimacy, a relational communion with God—the one who loves our souls—is a death blow to the pet sins we nurture because only the Lord can provide the satisfaction we were longing for when we chose to pursue sin in the first place. God is better than anything we’ve found ourselves entangled in.

Which identity looms larger for you today, your struggle with sexual sin or your identity as a loved daughter, united to Jesus forever?

If you’re a Christian, your identity as a daughter—united to Jesus for all eternity—is the most true identity you hold. It’s your core, eternal identity at the deepest level. It cannot change, because it’s based on the work of Jesus, not on your record of sin or righteousness. For myself, it’s been so difficult to really believe this. What about you? Do you struggle to believe that your union with Christ is the deepest, truest thing about you instead of your behavior?

In the remaining sessions, we’re going to take a deeper dive into the elements of the tree model to help you take a closer look at what’s behind your sin struggles. Jesus is compassionate and gentle towards you as you seek to grow. He is always for you.

Spend a few moments in prayer:

• Lord, how are you drawing me to look deeper than my outward behavior?
• Lord, please grow faith in me to believe your love for me, even in my struggle.
• Lord, please use all the means at your disposal to help me grow, including the local church, women who are more mature, your Word and Spirit, and even this video course.
• John 15:9: “Just as the father has loved me [Jesus] so have I loved you, abide in my love.” Father, help me to believe you love me the very same way that you love Jesus, your Son.
• Lord, help me to recognize any barriers and false beliefs I have about who I am. Protect me from the enemy who would love for me to live as an orphan rather than your beloved daughter.