Women and Same-Sex Attachments: Longing for a True Home

The many women I’ve journeyed with have discipled me about this article’s title—our human longing to find a true home as it relates to women and same-sex attachments.

These dear sisters in Christ sought help at Harvest USA because a same-sex friendship, mentoring relationship, or counseling relationship had become not only emotionally entangled but romanticized—and, sometimes, sexually involved. Not all these women acted physically on their desires, yet most felt stuck in a web of intoxicating dynamics: they couldn’t live without her but were also conflicted about her. What previously felt like a nurturing relational home now seemed sticky and consuming. Or maybe it’s not?! Maybe she’s my person! What’s going on in this relationship?! They described the emotional roller coaster as complicated and exhausting.

It began as an innocent friendship—at least I thought so. I admired her: a strong kind, beautiful woman. I didn’t think of it as sexual; I just wanted closeness, to be wanted. My desires deepened, and the emotional boundaries blurred. I thought about her constantly, craved her attention, and was jealous when others were close to her. One day, a casual touch from her felt electrifying— and terrifying. What was this feeling? Was I physically attracted to her? It went no further physically, and I put some space between us, but I felt hooked . . . entangled emotionally in something unhealthy and dangerous. -A. C. (former women’s discipleship group member)

How do we know if a connection with another woman is healthy or messy? What’s a close friendship, and what is an unhealthy dependency? The inner conflict women experience between their deep desire and God’s will is usually a sign of the Spirit at work (see Galatians 5:16–17). Let’s consider these questions and see how Jesus is right in the middle of it all to help. Is what follows a black-and-white description of all women who struggle with emotional dependency, same-sex attachment or attraction, identify as gay, or have dated a woman? No! Yet these are the experiential threads I’ve heard consistently over many years.

The Woman-to-Woman Experience of Destructive Relational Attachments¹

Destructive relationships don’t always start that way. Like A. C.’s experience, above, the relationship may begin with Christ-honoring desires. Yet, along the way, longings for more motivate one or both women to move in an ungodly, sensualized direction. These romanticized (sometimes sexualized) attachments grow as misguided, sinful desires intensify and are increasingly watered. The “harvest” comes in (see Rom. 8:5–8 and Gal. 6:7–8) with emotional euphoria, a sense of ‘in love’ happiness, feeling intimately understood and needed, the disregarding of wise physical boundaries, and more. It all seems so right, and it does feel good to be known, loved, nurtured, and at home with—in—someone. The sexual component seems like a natural expression of mutual “at-homeness.” Women have confided that sex with each other feels safer—“less invasive and lusty,” as one woman said—compared to sex with men.

I’ve yet to meet a woman who walked into an emotionally entangled, sexualized friendship overnight. There were slow, directional steps on a path away from the Lord and toward the person and shared dynamics of emotional kickbacks. That’s partly why sinful attachments can grow so sneakily among believers. The Spirit and our flesh war against each other, with good and bad fruit bearing out alongside each other.

Sadly, sin’s presence has polluted our relational world so that “anti-Exodus 20:3” (“You shall have no other gods before me”) expressions show up everywhere! We effectively displace the Lord from his rightful place in our hearts with the affection, presence, and touch of a person. Good gifts can covertly become mini-gods. The subtle shift from “Thank you, Lord, for this dear friend/spouse/ mentor,” to “I need her to make me ok; she must love me, heal my heartache, be a home for me” can creep into any type of relationship. Here’s a short list of what entangled attachments between women usually involve:²

• Fused lives: the relationship effectively becomes a mini-marriage.
• Exclusivity, possessiveness, and a closed circle of two. Others may feel oddly uncomfortable around the pair, as if their presence is a threat.
• The relationship needs consistent affirmation of each person’s value and role. For example, one may be a strong, decisive, ‘get it done,’ maternal kind of woman, and the other craves being taken care of and rescued from loneliness and insecurity. Disorientation, fear, insecurity, anger, agonizing grief, and jealousy are triggered when one steps out of her role or engages someone else in a close relationship.
• Maintaining a consistent emotional connection is like oxygen; if the communication drops off, it feels like you can’t breathe.
• Romanticized affection through words, cuddling, lingering hugs, and steps toward sexual involvement. Besties and mentors may unconsciously, or consciously, seduce the other.
• Hiding the true nature of the relationship from people at church, the campus fellowship, or other Christian friends.

What Is the Look and Feel of a Healthy Friendship?³

God created us for satisfying relationships (see Gen. 2:18), with himself at the center. To long for genuine friendship is good and right—including same-sex female relationships, which can be a tremendous gift. The rich camaraderie and companionship, bearing each other’s burdens, and feeling like “she gets it!” are sweet blessings.

Markers of healthy, Christ-centered, female friendships include:

• A growing trajectory toward Jesus as the One around whom the relationship orbits. The relational, emotional, and spiritual attachment, or closeness, develops because of a mutual desire to love Jesus and encourage each other in faith. Jesus is an obvious person in the connection, not a sidelined or forgotten participant (see John 15:1–12 about the nature of us as branches abiding in Jesus yet alongside one another).
• Time together brings enjoyment of the good gift of relationship (Psalm 16:3).
• Being motivated by love to speak truth and confess sin spurs each woman to run to Jesus for his merciful rescue from sin and healing of heartbreak (Eph. 4:15, Heb. 10:23–25; James 5:16).
• A lack of exclusivity invites others into your circle and propels you outward toward others and servant-mindedness; jealousy and territorialism are resisted (Rom. 14:7–8; James 3:13–18, 4:1).

These are diagnostics to consider, but let’s be clear that no one is perfect at relationships. It’s human to wrestle with self-serving desires, insecurity, idolatry, and pain from our past, which intrudes into our present relationships. The gospel compels us to grow as women who can love wisely as we depend on Jesus (see Phil. 1:9–11).

Encouragement for Struggling Women and Friends Who Want to Help

Women who lean toward other women (emotionally, romantically, sexually) need what we all need: to be rescued by our Savior, gently nurtured by our Shepherd, and to surrender our hearts before our Creator King. I base this on Psalms 22–24, which point to the magnificent ministry of Jesus to accomplish what we most need.

Psalm 22: Jesus is our Savior. He saves us from sin and death, which leads to rescue from hopelessness, heartache, despair, rebellion, and confusion (read Luke 4:16–21 to see Jesus giving more insight into how he would fulfill this psalm’s prophecy of himself ). If you’re in a messy attachment, cry out to him for rescue. Ask him for eyes of faith to see his hand reaching to draw you out of deep waters (Ps. 18:16–19; Matt. 14:22–33).

Psalm 23: Jesus is our loving and gentle Shepherd. Psalm 23 describes him and us (John 10:14–18 gives more insight into this psalm). We’re sheep who need to be carried and led to clean water and nurturing places (homes) of safety and nourishment—including when we are in a wilderness of our own making. Verse six promises that he is always coming after you, not with a stern countenance, but with mercy and compassion. He is, 24/7, on a rescue mission of love to turn you from thorny bushes, polluted waters, and toxic weeds—as well as other sheep who are bullying, seducing, or distracting you. Let yourself be caught and comforted by your True Home, Jesus (see John 14:23).

Psalm 24: Jesus is our Creator (Col. 1:13–19 gives more insight into Psalm 24) and our loving Lord and King. He left his throne, put on the clothes—the humanity—of his people, and is actively involved in our daily lives. He also commands us to trust and obey him wholeheartedly, as he gives everything we need to please him (see Eph. 5:10 and Heb. 11:6).

As siblings in Christ, we help each other nestle into the home of Christ (through reminding one another of and delighting in our union with him) and normalize all temptations as “common” (1 Cor. 10:13). We love unique image-bearers by seeking to know them specifically. Meaning: friendship and discipleship with women who wrestle with same-sex attachments and desires will lead us to love her, learn her unique story, and offer to her heart the specific words of hope, comfort, and correction which Jesus uniquely supplies. We will pray with her, bringing all this to the Lord together.

God rescued me from what felt like a cliff. His Word told me it was wrong, but my feelings whispered something else: Maybe this is the kind of love I was made for? Secretly, I watered those thoughts and feelings—watching shows and reading stories with lesbian storylines, and seemingly ‘beautiful’ romances of women who found love in each other’s arms. I justified it to my lonely heart yet could sense getting pulled quietly into isolation and shame. Finally, I pressed “send” and came into the light over email to a Harvest staff woman. I was scared initially, but became known, was discipled, counseled, loved, and encouraged; I was coached on how to invite others at church into my journey of faith. Jesus helped me to disentangle from the web I was stuck in, and I found refuge in him, my True Home. -A. C.

Christian women are wrestling with questions, temptations, and desires related to same-sex attachments and attraction. They may have a past they are ashamed of; they may be scared (like A. C.) to come into the light. What is our calling as their spiritual siblings in Christ? To love with compassionate presence, to listen well, and to speak words of life—to offer ourselves as journey companions in Christ, for Christ. He, our True Home, is eternally eager to welcome all who come to him for help (Ps. 57:1–3; Heb. 4:16). This is our shared calling as the people of God (see 2 Cor. 1:1–7; Heb. 3:12–14, 12:1–4).

---

1. Much of this article could be applied to male relationships, yet I am zeroing in on the female experience. ↩︎
2. Adapted from Ellen Mary Dykas, “When Women’s Friendships Turn Sexual,” Harvest USA, March 30, 2016.
   ↩︎
3. Adapted from Ellen Mary Dykas, “Close Friends or Entangled Hearts? Joy and Dangers in Woman-to-Woman Friendships”, CCEF, accessed June 20, 2025. ↩︎
4. A.C. is a woman I’ve known for years, and she is beautifully journeying forward in Christ. Please visit www.harvestusa.org for discipleship resources to help you walk forward too, or to help someone in your life.  ↩︎