Help for Pastors Caring for Same-Sex Strugglers: One Savior, Common Challenges, and Helpful Doctrines

I know many Christians who have been convicted by the Holy Spirit regarding their experience of same-sex attraction. They desire discipleship, but also express dissatisfaction: “It seems like both my church and I are ill-equipped to navigate discipleship when it comes to same-sex attraction.”

I sympathize with the weightiness and complexity of discipleship. When discipling struggling men, I’ve often prayed, “God, I am lost here; help me!” However, the challenge of discipling someone experiencing same-sex attraction is not outside the universal difficulty of engaging with the depraved human heart. The Christian experience is one of fallenness progressively giving way to sanctification, where we together groan under the strenuous process of God making all that is wrong right through Christ (Rom. 8). The temptation to feel undone by this reality is not reserved to certain besetting sins. No, we all must consider Jesus, “who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that [we] may not grow weary or fainthearted” (Heb. 12:3).

Where our Christian kin struggling with same-sex attraction face specific difficulties, pastors, leaders, and friends can confidently offer help. There are always biblical truths to perfectly meet the one struggling, right where they are. Let’s consider the foundational doctrines of sin, adoption, repentance, and providence, and how they speak life into these unique challenges by illuminating the sufficient work of Christ.

Same-Sex Attraction and the Equalizing Doctrine of Sin

One common difficulty of discipling those struggling with same-sex attraction is bridging the disconnect between people who battle different kinds of sin. It’s tempting to believe that different sins equal entirely different hearts. But that’s so far from the truth. At the heart level, we are much more alike than we are different, and we can deeply relate to one another. A proper understanding of the doctrine of sin establishes relatability for effective discipleship.

Effective discipleship can be built upon a shared posture of humility. We are all sinners, “wholly inclined to all evil,” who need grace.[1] Shared brokenness over the seeds of sin scattered across every fallen person’s heart orients the discipleship outward, igniting a unified need for and pursuit of Jesus. Our Savior says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28, my emphasis). As you engage in discipleship, consider the following:

• Before the Lord, examine together the seeds from which your sins grow (perhaps anger, pride, lust, discontentment) and consider how, at the core, all sin is rebellion against our Creator. How does this change your view of same-sex attraction?
• How does acknowledging and confessing your sin push you toward Christ? Rejoice in the mercy you find in Jesus and consider how you can extol his grace to the heart of one struggling against same-sex desires.

The Comforting Assurance of Adoption

Another common difficulty for those struggling with same-sex attraction is a sense of discouragement and unworthiness. Someone who feels this way may say, “I continue to pray for these sinful desires to be taken away, but it seems as if God isn’t answering my prayers. Is God disowning me?” When such lack of assurance wells up, the Holy Spirit can comfort the believer’s heart through the doctrine of adoption, presenting the open-armed nature of the Father toward his secured children. Note the sweetness of adoption as described in the Westminster Confession of Faith:

They . . . are enabled to cry, Abba, Father, are pitied, protected, provided for, and chastened by him, as by a father: yet never cast off, but sealed to the day of redemption; and inherit the promises, as heirs of everlasting salvation (WCF 12.1).

We do not pursue prayer, Bible reading, and Christian fellowship to earn our salvation, but to commune with our heavenly Father. They are God-given gifts for his beloved children to shift our focus away from our insufficiencies and toward our perfect, sufficient, sustaining heavenly Father. When we view the means of grace as a magic wand, waving away struggles with sin for those who have the Magician’s favor, we fall to one of Satan’s most discouraging lies—that we can earn God’s favor through Christian practices. In contrast, the hope-filled doctrine of adoption affirms that God always calls us to draw near, for he is our Father.[2] As you disciple someone struggling with same-sex attraction, you can ask:

• When do you feel God doesn’t hear your prayers? Why do you believe this to be so? How does considering your adoption change how you participate in and what you expect from prayer?
• When you commune with God in prayer, Scripture reading, and your local church, what dominates your perspective: the burden of sin or the fact that you are irrevocably God’s child? How might we practically cultivate a shift of thinking from the former to the latter?

Depending on Christ in Daily Repentance

A third common difficulty is how indwelling sin can manifest spontaneously and habitually, leading to lack of peace and a sense of condemnation. In discipleship, we must highlight the deep dependency upon Christ that every believer needs, every day.

The Confession stresses how much we need our sufficient Christ because of our insufficiency: “[God], looking upon [Christians] in his Son, is pleased to accept and reward that which is sincere, although accompanied with many weaknesses and imperfections” (WCF 16.6). If same-sex attraction or any other heart’s depravity was eradicated in an instant in this life, it would uncover a host of other depravities. Transformation would still be necessary; we would still need Christ daily! We find salvation and peace in repeatedly turning to the One who alone can save (Heb. 7). This is the doctrine of repentance.

The first of Luther’s 95 Theses that ignited the Protestant Reformation says, “When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said ‘Repent,’ he intended that the entire life of believers should be repentance.”[3] Repentance should be an ongoing posture for all Christians, not a single act. Rather than shameful oppression, repentance means constantly relying upon the One who sets the captives free—no matter how often they feel chained (Ps. 107). Encourage the one struggling with same-sex attraction to consider:

• Are you living as if you will find peace and assurance in your own work to eradicate same-sex attraction instead of resting, in daily dependence, upon Christ’s sufficient sacrifice?
• Does repentance seem burdensome to you? How so? Does it feel like a natural part of the Christian life? When you repent, which covers the other: your besetting sin or Christ’s redemptive work for you?

Persevering Through Trusting God’s Providence

When fierce wrestling with same-sex attraction endures, it can seem as if no growth has or ever will happen. Discipleship must recognize that ongoing suffering in this life is a biblical concept—and a universally human one—straight out of the mouth of the Psalmist: “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Ps. 13:1a). In discipleship, believers can draw near to each other and the Lord in shared lament. At the same time, it’s important to challenge the internal viewpoint of the faint-hearted with an external perspective that draws attention to the Lord’s ongoing, faithful, and developing work.

When we wrestle through conviction over sin and turn to God, we can desire and even expect God to refine us quickly. Yet God accomplishes his perfect work “of giving us a mature and patient faith”[4] according to his timing—and this usually takes much longer than we want. Where a struggling believer might be dismayed to see persistent indwelling sin, discipleship can highlight the doctrine of providence. The Westminster Confession gives the Christian a confident view of God’s hand at work in the believer’s unfolding story:

The most wise, righteous, and gracious God doth oftentimes leave, for a season, his own children to manifold temptations, and the corruption of their own hearts . . . to raise them to a more close and constant dependence for their support upon himself. (WCF 5.5)

In discipleship, we can say to dear brothers and sisters fighting indwelling sin: “Your resistance is not hopelessly stagnant; your persistent fighting, at its weakest moment, bears witness to the redemptive providence of God.” As you disciple a same-sex struggler, ask:

• How might the perspective that your persistent struggle against same-sex attraction is not spiritual stagnation but a setting for God to increase your dependency upon him give you hope-filled endurance?
• How do others perceive your sanctification? When someone has a perspective contrary to your own, how does that impact you? Is pride or humility at work here?

Same-Sex Attraction and Hope in Our One Savior

These are weighty and complex matters. But take heart! Discipleship can continue despite the weightiness and complexity of the fallen human experience—whether that experience includes same-sex attraction or anything else—through utter dependency upon Christ Jesus, “for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

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[1] WCF 6.4, “Confession of Faith: The Orthodox Presbyterian Church,” accessed June 16, 2025.

[2] Timothy Cruso, The Duty and Blessing of a Tender Conscience, ed. Dr. Don Kistler (Orlando, FL: The Northampton Press, 2018), 10.

[3] David Mathis, “Luther’s First Thesis and Last Words,” Desiring God, October 31, 2008.

[4] Christopher Ash, The Psalms: A Christ-Centered Commentary, vol. 2, 4 vols. (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2024), 148.