Being a Sister to Women Struggling with Same-Sex Attraction

“Thanks for meeting on short notice.” Molly looked down at her shoes as she spoke. “I just need to talk. I have this struggle. I think—well, I like girls. I think I’m gay.”

Tender confessions like these about same-sex attraction are happening more and more in the church. As younger generations come of age, LGBTQ+ identification is increasing. When we compare millennials to Gen Z, we see an increase of more than double who report that they identify somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

Source: https://news.gallup.com/poll/611864/lgbtq-identification.aspx

How will your church respond? How will you respond? How can you be a sister to a woman struggling with same-sex attraction? I’d like to offer nine things to consider.

1. Be Honest with Yourself

What’s happening inside your own heart and mind as you take in this confession from your sister? Does her confession make you feel like you can’t relate? The Lord looks on the heart (1 Sam. 16:7); seek to do the same. Have you ever felt like the desires that come naturally to you don’t line up with God’s commands? You are much more like your dear sister than you are different.

2. Honor the Moment

This is a significant moment. Something about your relationship to this sister told her that you might be a safe person to confess to. For many women battling same-sex desires, they have thought about—and dreaded—sharing this for years! Consider the moment itself a milestone and communicate your gratitude for her trust. Consider responding with things like:

“I’m guessing it took a lot to share this, and I am glad to know you in it.”

“I don’t view you primarily through your same-sex attraction, but I also recognize that it’s probably shaped some of the way you experience life, so as your friend, that experience matters to me.”

3. Listen and Ask Wise Questions About Same-Sex Attraction

If this woman grew up in the church, she likely has an ocean of experience to share. Ask her about it and listen intently. Start by asking if it’s okay to ask her about her experiences struggling with same-sex attraction. She may not be ready to share more right now, but if she is, here are some questions to consider:

“What’s it like to share this with me? What made you share this now?”

“When did you first experience same-sex attraction? How did that impact you?”

“What’s it been like to hold this secret?”

“How have you wrestled with your faith in the midst of this?”

“Do you feel different from the other women at our church? If so, how?”

4. Don’t Back Away

If this sister courageously shares with you and you never bring it up again, it communicates some painful things. Here’s what I’ve heard from sisters struggling with same-sex attraction who have confessed their struggles in a church context:

“I told her, and she never mentioned it ever again. It was awkward. It’s not something I want to talk about all the time, but her silence made me feel like it was off limits.”

“After I told my pastor’s wife about things, it seemed like she started to distance herself from me. I wondered if she was scared that I’d get a crush on her.”

“I wish my friends would stop stressing about me finding a guy to marry. It made me feel like I am a project to be fixed.”

5. Engage Theological Questions Together

Same-sex struggles have a way of pushing a woman right up against significant biblical questions and theological grapples. Honor that process. Many of the questions that arise are wise for all Christians to consider, and core to the Christian faith:

• Does God love me even when I am tempted?
• Can God satisfy my deepest desires?
• What does it mean that we are a new creation in Christ?
• How can I discern truth from error? Is the Bible true?
• Why would a good God allow me to struggle in this way?
• Is there hope for me in this life?

Notice that these are discipleship questions. They’re not aimed exclusively at same-sex attraction. You would surely benefit from digging deeply into these questions alongside your sister. We are much more alike than we are different!

6. Honor the Complexity of Marriage

I’ve spoken to many women who are encouraged, soon after a confession, simply to pursue marriage. I’ve heard stories of wounds inflicted by well-meaning brothers and sisters who focus primarily on getting this woman to “put herself out there” in dating as a remedy for her same-sex struggles. Listen well to find out what this sister thinks about marriage before jumping to offer your encouragement in that arena. Know her. Questions on celibacy and marriage can be painful and complex; be a listener first.

7. Consider Culture

Understand the unique pull from our culture for this sister. While we are alike in our sin nature, this struggle is different from others in some key ways.

Few struggles have such a compelling media conglomerate behind them, as well as an “open arms” community that can feel genuinely welcoming. For women leaving same-sex relationships or the gay community, there can be a season of deep grief for the life she left behind.

She may often have thoughts of a different life, or ask herself, “Is it really worth it?”

She may have feelings of incongruence in her Christian community. One woman shared with me that when she discussed her political stance against gay marriage to another Christian, it made her feel like a fraud. She said, “What if this person knew that this is me, too!?”

8. Don’t Fear Friendship but Be Aware of Boundaries

“What if she’s attracted to me?” Many women fear that if they pursue a deep friendship with a woman who battles same-sex attraction, they will be tempting her toward sin. However, God made same-sex friendships to have an important role in sanctification (Titus 2). All women need other women to help them grow in the faith! Focus on being a steady, Christ-focused friend. Don’t assume that she is tempted sexually by your friendship but also be aware of your own heart and wise boundaries. If you have a history of messy, codependent friendships with other women or same-sex attraction, you may indeed not be the wisest person to walk alongside this sister.

Consider these signs from Ellen Dykas that your relationship has gotten off track:

• Fused lives, schedules, and relational spheres.
• The relationship begins to feel like a marriage.
• Exclusivity, possessiveness, and a closed circle of two. Other people feel like intruders—a threat to your harmony.
• The relationship needs constant clarification of each person’s role in it. One woman will play the needy/weak/take-care-of-me role, and the other will take the needing-to-be-needed/strong/caregiver role. Fear, insecurity, and jealousy are triggered when one steps out of her role.
• Maintaining a consistent emotional connection is vital. Texts, emails, calls, and time spent together grow and intensify to become life-dominating.
• Romanticized affection through words and physical touch. Sexual involvement.

If you are seeing these signs, you’ll need help from the body of Christ to relate in a holy way to this sister. Contact Harvest USA or take advantage of the resources on our website that address codependent friendships between women.

9. Put On Humility and Love

Overall, you need a humble posture that holds two convictions:

1) You are much more alike than you are different from a woman with same-sex desires. Your shared union with Christ is the most true thing about both of you!

2) While this struggle doesn’t define her, she has some distinct experiences and vantage points. Listen well to how this struggle has shaped her.

For this sister, shame and fear may regularly be part of her church experience. One way you can lead is to share your own experiences battling sin and the war you must wage against your desires. Love her by pursuing mutuality in your relationship; you need her as a sister just as much as she needs you! Love her by pointing her to Christ’s compassion. Remind her that the way God the Father loves his Son, Jesus, is the very same way Jesus loves her (John 15:9)!

Remember that, in Christ, you were made to walk alongside others in the household of faith. We understand God’s love “together with all the Saints” (Eph. 3:18). Take heart! When battle-weary sinners come to the church for help and hope, they’ve come to the right place.