13 Oct 2022
Over the years, I’ve talked with children who said they had the “sex talk.” Some have spoken of it as like a pep talk while others have told me what they think with a distasteful tone of disapproval. They say, “I know I should be more careful. But everyone in my school is doing it. So what?” “Why make it a big deal if you can always use protection?” “What’s wrong with me loving someone deeply enough to have sex?”
Though we might struggle to admit it, such forward-moving questions are loaded with power. The child’s inner confidence echoes a bravado that claims a greater knowledge than the wisdom that you—parent, teacher, or leader—yearn to provide.
In a world of TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram, our voices are dim. The destabilizing winds of our culture push and pull us and our children; we feel overwhelmed, without much to hold on to. Tired of arguments and restless with debates, we sigh—we love our children and care for their future that seems, at times, so uncertain. To a degree, we’ve all been defiant to our parents, teachers, and leaders. I remember standing as such a son to my parents when I would sarcastically tell them to “go to sleep” or “talk to the walls.” I believed they had nothing to offer my selfish self.
Furthermore, our society continues to march toward an increasingly relativistic moral structure, in which making absolute judgments on topics like sex is off-limits. We live in a world that’s more affirming than discerning, defiant instead of obedient, and hungry for self-praise rather than ready for self-sacrifice.
Nevertheless, as believers, we’re called to proclaim the gospel, fighting boldly against Christ-opposing lies. For Christ Jesus is the source of all truth. In him, we can live in this world without fear and model a Christ-centered life before our children.
Just as raising a child requires continuous engagement in their lives, how we talk to them does, too. Rather than a one-and-done sex talk (which often has peculiar and questionable timing), we need an ongoing dialogue with our children that stems from our humble allegiance to our Father in heaven whereby we decrease, and he increases (John 3:30). A Christ-increasing relationship has his love as the core, giving meaning and direction to how we nurture our children. By God’s grace, may they realize—even by the tone of our voice—the importance of listening to us as they see Jesus through our lives.
Yes, a Christ-increasing life is vital. We don’t emphasize this enough! We become preoccupied with the means to an end and forget to acknowledge what truly matters in the care of our children: Jesus Christ. We should consider our relationship with Jesus and pay close attention to how we live as believers before considering how to engage in ongoing sex talks with our children. Are we wholly dependent on the gospel for such talks? Our children will be the first to see the work of the cross manifest in our lives—or not. Whether as parents, teachers, or leaders responsible for them, our life is an inevitable witness. Our time will pass away, but their memories of us and, most importantly, our standing before the Lord, will remain. Just as we were once the ones looking up to the adults in our lives, so will they do the same.
Therefore, how can those of us entrusted with their care prepare for ongoing sex talks in the context of a continuous relationship that fosters life in Christ? We must decrease, and decrease, and decrease—and Christ must increase, and increase, and increase evermore in our lives (John 3:30).
Some of us grew up in a home where the topic of sex was not common. Whether considered “taboo” or ignored altogether, sex was not discussed or brought into the light. Some of us hoped this uncharted territory would be addressed by our educational system, counseling sessions, and youth pastors. But the hesitation driving a parent, leader, or teacher to avoid an awkward conversation with their child comes from uncertainty. They acknowledge the subject’s importance but resist the impending discomfort of discord or friction.
Nevertheless, beloved brothers and sisters, we must stand as those who rely on the Spirit of God. We need to come to our children from the context of serving the Lord with all humility, tears, and trials (Acts 20:19a). As those shaped by that reality, we testify about Christ and thus speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15a). Although sex talks won’t always be pleasant or timely, the goal is to point to Christ at each turn our children make in life.
Hear Paul D. Tripp on speaking the truth in love:
“Effective biblical confrontation often begins before we speak. How we live with one another from day to day sets the stage for the way our words will be received. There is no separation between our daily lives and God’s redemptive work. We don’t advance our own wills in ‘normal’ situations and self-consciously serve the Lord in ‘ministry.’ This divided world is a fabrication of the Enemy. ¹
This foundation of speaking the truth in love is about how we live beholding God’s redemptive work in our lives. That should be the driving narrative of the sex talks themselves (which often seem confrontational to the one who listens), helping us engage our children without fear.
Yes, if we are to faithfully prepare our children to talk with and hopefully listen to us, Christ’s redeeming work must shine in our lives. Take the initiative to speak lovingly about Christ’s redeeming work and how he ordained the world to be.
Remember, this is good news for us, sinners! What better picture of life in Christ is there than parents walking in daily repentance and faith? If you feel defeated sexually, burdened by guilt, and hypocritical—if you think this conversation cannot even begin because you feel unworthy, dear brother and dear sister, you are not alone. Know that the realization of that is a gift of God’s Spirit, making your sin visible like scarlet. And know that the power of God to forgive promises your sins are made white as snow through the perfect, redeeming work of Jesus Christ (Isa. 1:18). Your faith in his promises and walking in his light will guide you, even through your broken words, as you speak with your children about the forgiveness you have sought and received.
The problem is when there’s a discrepancy between our confessional and functional theology—what we say and what we do. We cannot expect children to listen or join a faith-driven, spiritual conversation when we don’t live as those who are redeemed. We must face the call to “only let [our] manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Phil. 1:27) and strive to accomplish such a call as believers who daily behold and rest in the redeeming hope of the gospel: Christ crucified (1 Cor. 1:23a).
Therefore, beloved brothers and sisters, we are to be imitators of God, walking in love just as Christ loved and gave himself up for us (Eph. 5:1). As we look to Jesus, we are to consistently commend him, so our dialogue displays the gospel and speaks the truth in love. If we’re going to have sex talks with our children in a Christ-increasing, Christ-redeeming, Christ-honoring way, we need to be like Christ. We need to stand as those who bear the cross and love their own to the very end, just as Jesus did (John 13:1). Without such a foundation, there can be no Christ-like relationship with our children.
Praise God, this rests not in our own strength, maturity, or ability. Jesus is the one who lived and loved perfectly, always centered on and obedient to the Father—and his perfection covers us. As you talk about sex within the context of a Christ-centered relationship, rest in Christ’s perfection. Jesus says, “you therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48) and just as “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness” (James 2:23), believe in Jesus! He is the One who is for you and with you, especially as you speak to your child.
The hope is that our children will perceive these sex talks not as a “one-and-done,” circumstantial matter, but as gospel truths spoken in a love organically connected and matured as we, by the Spirit of God, live as those who adore Jesus Christ.
¹Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (P&R Publishing: Phillipsburg, New Jersey, 2002), 221.
Take a moment to simply consider what your son or daughter desires. What is he longing for? What does she feel she is getting from her identity that she cannot live without? Questions like this move you to discover what lies beneath the surface and lead you to a deeper understanding of your child.
To learn more about this topic, consider downloading Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity which is available as a free digital resource. You can also purchase Explaining LGBTQ+ Identity to Your Child: Biblical Guidance and Wisdom by Tim Geiger. When you buy this minibook from Harvest USA, 100% of your purchase will benefit our ministry.
You can also read the blog, “What Lies Beneath Your Child’s Sexual and Gender Identity,” which corresponds to this video.
Understanding your child’s perceived sexual and gender identity is no simple task. Perhaps you have tried to piece together how your child may have come to these conclusions about himself, but you still don’t understand what may have really formed the person he is today.
Although you may never be able to completely answer the how and why questions, you can be sure of one thing that lies beneath your child’s perceived sexual or gender identity: the desires of her heart.
Scripture speaks often about the fruit of our actions coming from what lies in our hearts:
“…from out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:4).
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality…” (Matthew 15:19).
This is a simple yet profound truth that gives great insight into the reasons for why a person comes to do what they do. Take a moment to simply consider what your son or daughter desires. What is he longing for? What does she feel she is getting from her identity that she cannot live without? Questions like these move you to discover what lies beneath the surface and lead you to a deeper understanding of your child.
As you explore these questions, you will probably discover in your child’s heart some of the most fundamental desires that we all experience: the desire to be loved, the desire for acceptance and affirmation, the desire for freedom from pain and suffering, the desire for comfort or affection.
Perhaps your child longs to be accepted and loved by a particular person or group. Maybe she has always felt unwanted or different from others and desires to be affirmed and feel attractive. Often, going through tough experiences shapes the way we view ourselves and the world around us. If your son or daughter has learned that they can meet an overriding desire through sexual experiences, a romantic relationship, or a unique community, he or she will hold onto it tightly and oppose anything that may threaten the security of keeping it close.
We pursue particular desires because we think we are the authorities on how to bring ourselves joy and contentment. But when we pursue them apart from God, or when we cannot fulfill a particular longing, we begin to live for these desires, doing everything in our power to bring about their fruition. Jeremiah 2:13 paints a vivid picture of Israel’s disobedience in this way.
“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water..”
This is the inclination of our sinful hearts. We seek to have our needs met outside of God’s provision for life, and we turn to broken cisterns that we think will give us nourishment. Although the things to which we turn for life in the created world are nothing more than leaky cisterns, we revisit them over and over again, believing these wells can satisfy our souls.
Somewhere along the way, your child has come to believe that his sexuality or gender expression is a central means to having his desires met. Becoming aware of his underlying desires will not only help you understand your child better but will also have significant implications for your relationship with him. Let’s consider a number of things you can cultivate as a result of this insight.
Lead with empathy and compassion. Rather than reducing your daughter down to her behavior, you are able to consider how your child’s suffering and pain have uniquely shaped the particular desires that she wants to be met. Knowing your own tendency to turn to your choice broken cisterns can help you see that you are more alike than different from your daughter.
Dealing with tension and even hostility in relationship with a child is so challenging for parents. Understanding the role that desires play will help you make sense of his defensiveness and rejection of your interpretation that his sexual or gender identity is sinful.
Pray More Meaningfully
Rather than simply praying for behavioral change, pray for the desires of your child’s heart to be molded to God’s, knowing that he wants to satisfy your child’s desires with good things. Pray that God would show himself to be living water, faithful to meet your child in her thirsts.
Have Conversations that Move to the Heart
Knowing something about how desires lead to behaviors moves conversations beyond the surface fruit and helps you to discover what is in your child’s heart. Ask why his identity or sexuality means so much to him and how his sexual or gender expression meets his felt needs.
Although this may seem like a daunting task, as you apply these relational measures, your understanding of your child and what God may be after in your child’s life will become a little clearer. You will see that God does not simply desire to redeem your son or daughter’s behavior; he is after the heart. Though you aren’t able to see the whole picture clearly, he is still at work!
You can also watch the video, “Desires Fueling Your Child’s Sexual and Gender Identity,” which corresponds to this blog.
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 10 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. Here are some practical steps you can take to connect with your gay or transgender child and pursue relationship with him or her:
Ask to Hear Their Story
Some of you have heard your child’s story. But if you have never taken the opportunity to sit down with your child and ask them specific questions about their struggles with sexuality or gender, it’s time to remedy this. The purpose is to draw near to them, understand them more deeply, and grow in insight concerning their particular struggles with sexuality and gender.
For many, this might be a scary step because it requires that you only listen. As you ask your child to share, make it clear that you do not intend to comment on what they say or make counterarguments, but that you simply want to better understand them and their experience. This is not a teaching discussion, but a moment to truly hear your child.
Here are some examples of questions you can ask:
- What did it feel like for you growing up?
- When did you first begin to feel differently about your sexuality or gender?
- How did this affect your faith in God?
- Were there words from the church or from me that hurt you?
- What was it like to tell me the news about your new identity?
- What was it like to tell your friends?
- What was it like to keep this a secret?
- How do you feel now that you have brought this out into the open?
If your child lives too far away for this conversation to take place in person, or if your child feels afraid to have this conversation face to face, you can communicate with them through email or letters. If your child fears talking more openly with you, consider whether their fears are realistic and how you could help reduce those fears. In whatever form this conversation takes place, make a point to thank them for trusting you with their openness.
Purposefully Enter into Your Child’s World
Creating a climate of grace involves entering fully into your child’s world. This may not be a comfortable or desirous path for you, but consider how Christ entered our world. God sent his incarnate Son to identify with us, so you too must step into your child’s sphere of life.
Often when we face trials or experience rejection, we react in self-protection and retreat. Maybe you have reached out to your child, and they ignored you, grew cold, or shut you out until you agreed to accept their new identity. Maybe you believe the situation is more than you can handle; you find it easier to keep your distance. Or your child simply lives far away and is not in your daily life, so you tend to forget about initiating contact with them.
Resist the temptation to end your relationship with your child. Do not allow your pain to lead you to sin, either through neglect or with a sinful reaction yourself. You do not have to respond in kind to your child if they reject you.
Consider these practical ways to pursue your child that will show your continued love for them.
- Ask about their friends
- Ask about plans for the weekend
- Ask how school or work is going
- Take time to listen and respond
- Understand anew their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and who they are
- Ask them what they love to do now
- Discuss the latest movie, book, music, or sports game
- Ask what their favorite restaurant is
- Ask where they would like to travel and why
- Participate with them in their interests and activities
- Take them out for dinner, a movie, or shopping
- If they don’t live at home, visit them for fun or send a care package
- Bring them a special delivery of groceries
- Joke with them! Send a funny meme or picture
- Mail a card or letter
- Text, call, or email them
- Set up Skype or FaceTime dates
- Invite them and their friends to your home for an activity or a meal
- Spend time with them and their friends outside of the house
- Get to know their partner
Some of you fear that entering into your child’s world will somehow communicate your approval with their identity. But if you have already clearly stated your position on sexual or gender identity, you can rest assured that your child is fully aware of your beliefs. This engagement in their life is about them, about who they are as your child, and not about embracing the beliefs or ideas they hold. You can simply decline invitations to events or situations with which you feel uncomfortable, but do so prayerfully, and communicate your decision to your child gently.
Finding your way into your child’s world may take some time—there is nothing wrong with that, though you do need to take steps into their personal territory. Start small. Begin with conversations or find activities that you know they love. Engage your son or daughter in topics, events, and activities that you find safe. From there, you can build a strong foundation, and, strengthened by your relationship with God, you will be equipped to take larger steps into their world.
Consider the following questions today: Are you hesitant to reach out to your child? Why or why not? What is one way that you can enter into your child’s world this week?
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 9 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. In this excerpt, we invite you to consider how you can pursue your child and model the love of God through your relationship.
Likely, your relationship with your child looks different than it once did. Tension and distance may exist between the two of you. You may need to rebuild the foundation of trust and honesty with them. As the parent, you must be the one to initiate this reconciliation. View this responsibility as a blessing, as a chance to recreate the relationship in a new and more beautiful way, upon your own relationship with Christ.
As you actively pursue a ministry of reconciliation, one of the first steps is to create a climate of grace in your relationship. Essentially, this means that you communicate to your child through word, action, and deed that your relationship is a safe place for them. Regardless of their new position in life, you will continue to love them and be involved, even if their choices aren’t what you wanted for them. You can be a refuge for them when they need help or when life doesn’t go as they planned.
Below, we list four major components in creating this climate of grace.
Offer the Gift of Relationship
A climate of grace begins with offering the gift of relationship, without the requirement that your son or daughter first repent and turn from their lifestyle. Of course, repentance is required for complete reconciliation, but as God pursued you even while you were a sinner and enemy to him (Romans 5:8), you can extend this grace to your child. Do you find that you are waiting for your child to repent or change their ways before you offer this gift? Just as God does not break his relationship with you in response to every sin, so you can take steps toward your child even in the midst of them choosing a direction you do not support.
This is not to say that the relationship will be defined by all-out acceptance; rather, by relating to them in this way, they do not have to hide their feelings, questions, issues, or actions from you, even though you disagree. One major objective for doing this is for your child to return to you for future conversations, which may lead to more willingness to hear you out.
Model Your Own Need for God’s Grace
A second aspect of this climate of grace is modeling to your son or daughter that you need the same grace and forgiveness from God. You know that, every day, sin and unbelief plague your own heart, which also means that you can express thankfulness for God’s forgiveness and continued relationship with you. This truth gives you a deep humility in how you relate to others, especially to those like your child who choose to live outside of God’s Word. A posture of gratitude is the antidote to becoming the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son.
On a practical level, this means that you will acknowledge times when you have sinned and done wrong, while bearing in mind that your actions have not produced your child’s sexual struggles. Perhaps you need to ask for their forgiveness. Were there times you responded harshly or insensitively to your child’s chosen identity? Have you spoken words that belittled them? Has your response been one of open anger and disappointment?
As fallen beings, we all sin against our children, so we are called to confess and reconcile with them also. Reconciliation is a blessing in itself, leading toward openness and newness of relationship. It is a way to start over afresh, to make right what was once wrong.
Enter Fully into Your Child’s Life
A third aspect of this climate of grace requires that you willingly enter into your child’s life and interests. This will mean asking questions about his or her friends, partner, LGBTQ+ community, etc. You cannot have a viable relationship with your child apart from taking an interest in what he or she considers important. Again, engaging in this way may bring up fears about you approving of your child’s decision, but consider the ways in which Jesus entered closely into the lives of people who were not followers of God. Read John 4 about the woman at the well. Consider the slanderous description charged against Jesus, that he “ate with sinners and tax collectors” (Matthew 9:11, 11:19). Recall that he had fellowship with religious authority figures who were against him (Luke 7:36–50). Do you see how Jesus met with, related to, and cared for those who were outcasts and enemies? This enables you to engage with all of your child’s life, even the difficult parts.
Lastly, in order to create a climate of grace with your child, you must acknowledge the reality that this is who they say they are, what they believe about themselves, and how they want to be known. Acknowledging who they want to be is not approving of their new identity. But if you find yourself wanting to deny that they now define themselves as gay or identify as another gender, and you would rather continue focusing on who they were before, you may find that your relationship with your child stalls rather than moves forward. Instead, you can reframe for your child what true acceptance looks like by loving them and accepting, not affirming, their choices while still standing firm in truth. In doing so, you will demonstrate the way in which God accepts them as well.
For a climate of grace to exist between you and your child, you must meet them where they are. Make-believe and denial will further impair your relationship. So while you continue to hope and pray for a change within them, you must also accept that they are now identifying as gay or as another gender.
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 1 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. Here are some points to consider as you observe your son or daughter’s behavior and wonder how to pray for them:
As the originator of our actions and the driver of our behaviors, the heart is the essence of a person, the volitional core of who we are. Examining the heart will help explain why you—and your child—do what you do.
Looking Deeper Than Behavior
Any parent with a gay or transgender child is strongly tempted to focus solely on their child’s behaviors. It’s alarming to hear the new ways in which your child talks about sexuality and gender with their friends, or to see how they’ve changed their dress and speech. Your desire to pluck this bad fruit off the tree and cause it to disappear makes sense, but this is tantamount to changing only outward actions and speech—which never actually gets to the heart. It’s like trying to fix an apple tree by removing the bad apples and tying up good ones in their place. While it is not amiss to address your child’s wrong behaviors, to never move beyond them is superficial and incomplete.
Look at your own sin patterns. Have you been able to just stop doing what you know is not right? Or do you have sin struggles that you continue to commit over and over? While God’s grace can instantaneously cease sinful actions and change hearts, God usually works within us over time, giving gradual freedom from temptations and desires as he sanctifies us. Most likely, certain sin struggles may be with you—and your child—for the rest of your lives. Experiencing and recognizing this process within yourself will give you compassion and understanding when looking at your child.
Scripture tells us that God cares deeply about what resides within our hearts. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (ESV).
Knowing that, ultimately, the heart needs transformation can free you from focusing on and reacting to your child’s behaviors. It’s their hearts, not their behaviors that ultimately need to change. Unless their hearts are redeemed, sinful behaviors will simply be hidden or morph into other wrong actions.
When you see your child behave in an ungodly way, look deeper into why they are choosing that, instead of focusing on the outward action. Contemplate what they are trusting in. What do they value? What is their functional savior, the thing that they believe will give them life and happiness? You may not be able to answer these questions now, but considering them is a great start to knowing your child on a deeper level.
Pray for Heart Change
Psalm 51:10 reads, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” David pleaded with God to transform his heart because he knew that God desires to sanctify all of his children. Since God alone can change and cleanse hearts, your job is to pray for your own heart as you pray for your son or daughter’s heart.
Pray for true change within your child, and remember that you are praying for more than behavioral change; pray for the redemption of your child’s entire soul. God has a plan and purpose for your son or daughter, so pray that God would conform your will to his.
Your child needs your prayers, and you have the privilege of praying for them to follow and obey God. If your child is not a believer or has rejected God, pray for their salvation. Pray that they would first be brought to a personal relationship with Christ. Knowing Jesus as Lord and Savior is the first step in turning from living outside of his design.
If your child declares that they are a believer and you see evidence of this in their lives, you can pray for the fruit of the Spirit to grow within them. Pray for more than just changed behavior; pray that the Spirit would transform their heart for following Christ and obeying him in all things. As Jesus says in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
Identify Good Fruit Within Your Child
As a result of the Fall, our lives are characterized by bad fruit and wrong behavior—yet God, in his mercy, allows sinners to practice good behavior, including your son or daughter. Your child is more than their bad fruit, or, more pointedly, they are more than their sexuality and gender.
Disproportionately focusing on bad fruit will harm your relationship and hinder you from loving your child well. You cannot have a loving conversation with them when all you see are their flaws, giving the sense that they are a problem needing to be fixed instead of the son or daughter you love. Strive to see them as a child of God who is still loved by their Creator—much like yourself.
Despite poor choices that may be hard to endure, your son or daughter certainly has good fruit that cannot be overlooked. Identifying good behaviors, attitudes, words, and actions is important for your child’s maturity and your relationship, so share with your child what you have observed to encourage them, strengthen them, and fortify your relationship with them.
True change is not found in simply altering one’s behavior. Rather, true change begins within, in our hearts. Every one of us needs God’s loving initiative to effect this kind of change.
One of the most common questions I receive from individuals who learn about our ministry to hurting parents is, “Where would you even start to help a parent struggling with this?” They usually ask with a sincere concern and eagerness to help. Nowadays, Christians are well aware of the cultural shifts occurring with sexual and gender identities but are often at a loss for how to speak into these issues. In particular, you may feel heavily burdened to help a parent whose child embraces an LGBTQ+ identity, but you may also feel nervous and timid when approaching such a difficult subject.
If you personally know a parent whose child is experiencing these issues, or you would like to help Christian parents who are navigating these difficult waters, I encourage you to be assertive in utilizing one of the most powerful tools of help: prayer.
Christian parents desperately need your prayers. Often, this experience is devastating and disorienting for a parent. It leaves them feeling a range of emotions from guilt, to fear, sadness, despair, and grief. Their questions and fears are simply overwhelming. In the midst of their hurt and confusion, parents need reassurance of the truth and comfort of Jesus Christ. As with many hard trials that we endure, parents need to be reminded of the truths of God they already know but are struggling to see and believe. They need the body of Christ interceding for them, providing strength in the midst of their weakness. I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s words, “The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother’s is sure” (Life Together, 23). In our place of strength, may we commit ourselves to interceding for parents who are deeply struggling.
When you are at a loss for which words to pray, Scripture is a good place to start. God’s word gives us language to use as we pray it back to him. I encourage you to consider finding specific passages to direct your prayer and intercession for hurting parents.
Here are a number of ways you can pray:
Pray for Comfort in Their Pain
“Lord you say, ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ Would you let this parent know the blessing of your deep comfort in the midst of their grief over their child?” (Matthew 5:4)
“Thank you, Lord, that you are near to the brokenhearted and save the crushed in spirit. Be near to these parents in their heartbreak.” (Psalm 34:18)
Pray for Peace and Trust in God
“I pray these parents would turn to you in their anxious thoughts about their child, because you are for them. May your peace, which transcends their understanding of what is taking place, guard their hearts and minds in Christ Jesus as they entrust their requests to you.” (Philippians 4:4–7)
“I pray that this parent would trust in you with all her heart and not lean on her own understanding of what is best for her child. I pray that she would acknowledge you in all her ways, that you might direct her steps!” (Proverbs 3:5–6)
Pray for Wisdom to Love Their Child
“Father, this is my prayer: that these parents’ love for their child may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. May they be able to discern what is best, and may they be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:9–11)
Pray for Strength and Perseverance
“Lord, please help these parents lay aside every weight and sin that entangles and run with perseverance the race you have marked out for them. Help them fix their eyes on you, the Author and Protector of their faith, who endured the cross for the joy set before him. Help them consider you who endured such opposition from sinners so that they may not grow weary or lose heart in their continued love for their child.” (Hebrews 12:1–3)
“Father, you say that you will renew the strength of those who wait on you. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. I pray that you would help this parent wait on you, Lord, that you might renew their strength.” (Isaiah 40:31)
Pray for Their Child
“Lord, you are the spring of living water! Open this child’s eyes to see you rightly, as the true living water for their soul. Help them see that turning to anything else to find fulfilment apart from you is only a broken cistern that cannot hold water. May you draw them to yourself.” (Jeremiah 2:13)
“Father, only you can remove a heart of stone and give a heart of flesh. I pray that you would soften this child’s heart. I pray your Holy Spirit would move in them so that they would desire to follow after you.” (Ezekiel 36:26–27)
26 Mar 2020
The book of Proverbs is given to us in the form of parents having conversations with their children. Some of the repeated topics in these conversations are sex and sexual immorality. In this video, Jim Weidenaar examines four characteristics of the parents’ talks in Proverbs that we can apply to conversations with our kids about porn: Be proactive. Be repetitive. Be positive. Be realistic.
To learn more about this topic, consider purchasing Raising Sexually Healthy Kids by David White or Explaining LGBTQ+ Identity to Your Child by Tim Geiger. When you buy these minibooks from Harvest USA, 100% of your purchase will benefit our ministry.
You can also read the blog, Six Dangers of Porn to Teach Your Kids, which corresponds to this video.
03 Oct 2019
As a teen, I had a major porn problem. And that was magazines and VHS tapes (does anyone remember the VCR?). But that’s nothing compared to what kids face today.
Teens are confronted with a staggering level of temptation. I would have failed middle school if I had access to the pornographic material now available to kids.
Here’s the sad, hard truth: it will be nearly impossible to completely shield your child. Porn infiltrated my Christian elementary school in 1979, and now the ubiquity of digital devices (forty years later) means porn is always at our fingertips. It is more realistic to plan how you will respond when exposure to porn occurs than to try to prevent porn from slipping through the inevitable cracks in whatever protection system you devise.
It is more realistic to plan how you will respond when exposure to porn occurs than to try to prevent porn from slipping through the inevitable cracks in whatever protection system you devise.
Here are four ways to do that:
- Respond in faith: don’t freak out!
Don’t give way to fear and begin extrapolating the worst case sexual scenarios awaiting your child. And don’t make it about you and your disappointment, as if your child failed you in some way. Depending on your temperament, avoid the two typical default extremes for most parents: bringing down the hammer or burying your head in the sand.
Instead, before talking with your child about their porn usage, thank God for exposing your child’s sin! Because God disciplines the children he loves (see Hebrews 12:5-11), this is evidence of his favor on your child. Trust God’s purposes here, believing he is wooing your child more closely to himself. Ask God for grace to enter into the situation and to give you his words of life to speak to your child. Abide in him as you love your child through this (see John 15:5). Don’t try to handle this alone!
- Be direct
Confront the situation— honestly and with love. Don’t dance around the topic or use veiled accusations like “Have you done anything I should know about?” Let your child know what you’ve discovered and express your concern. But remember: tremendous shame surrounds sexual sin. Your child already feels this, so be sure your approach points them to Jesus.
First, assure your child of your love and that there is nothing he can do to negate that. Second, remind him of God’s love and encourage him with the hope of the gospel. The essence of the Christian faith is God’s pursuit and redemption of us, not based on our worthiness, but the wonder of his matchless love and grace. Your child needs to be reminded of this confidence now more than ever!
Further, explain that these behaviors come from the heart. Help your teens begin considering how they turn to false comforts to cope with the challenges of life in a fallen world. It is helpful for you to model repentance here. What false comforts tug at your own heart when you are stressed and struggling? Acknowledge your own weakness and propensity to turn to the things of the world instead of God. Your self-disclosure demonstrates your own ongoing need for Christ’s mercy and the empowerment of his Spirit. Your child needs to see that her parent(s) also struggle with sin and weakness, so when she comes to you for help, she knows you understand.
Gently ask your child to open up about the history of his or her sexual struggles. Your own humility and openness about your struggles in this area may invite a responding honesty.
- Establish better safeguards
Hopefully you’ve taken steps to guard the technology in your home. If not, now is the time to start! Monitoring technology has vastly improved over the years. Some combination of parental filters and accountability software is necessary. For the home, the best software or devices are those linked directly to your Wi-Fi router. Usually there is the ability to place varying levels of restriction on different devices, so that a family PC or tablet can be set at a very high level of filtering to protect young children, while an older teen’s smart phone might have fewer restrictions while on the home network.
But the main thing is the capability of viewing the browser history on all devices. Some of these products also have an “on the go” feature that maintains filtering and tracks data usage of phones, iPads, etc., even monitoring the devices on other networks. I am intentionally not promoting specific products because new ones emerge regularly, but do some research and determine what will work best for your family. This is going to cost you something, but the money spent is worth it to protect your child’s mind and heart.
Good discipline is not punitive because Jesus was punished for us. Discipline, though painful at times, is intended to steer us in the right direction (see Hebrews 12:5–13). Discipline includes establishing wise and protective boundaries, proportionate to the age and maturity of your child.
Do not take lightly the effects of pornography. Take proactive steps, but avoid bringing down the hammer and exasperating them (as we are warned in Scripture: see Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21). A total internet lockdown or relegating to flip phones might produce short-term compliance, but it is unlikely to form mature disciples of Christ. Only repentance and a deepening relationship with Jesus, modeled through your walk with Christ, will do that. Parent to those ends!
- Keep walking with them
It is important to realize that this will be an ongoing temptation. Again, porn is everywhere, and access is easy. Many parents are gung-ho when the problem first rears its ugly head, but don’t persevere in addressing these challenges. Be faithful in prayer and ask God to reveal sin, but don’t stop there! Stay on top of technology and be willing to ask the awkward questions about how your child is doing sexually. This includes ongoing monitoring of his relationships. Through it all, continue pointing them to Jesus and his love. Remind your child of the mercy that covers their sin and the power given to obey through his outpoured Spirit.
Editor’s Note: This blog is adapted from David White’s new book, God, You, & Sex: A Profound Mystery, which is available now. When you buy God, You, & Sex from Harvest USA, 100% of your purchase will benefit our ministry.