07 Sep 2023
Parenting in a Scary World
Whether you’re parenting toddlers, teens, or both, today’s sexual climate probably concerns you. I once heard parenting described as walking around with your heart outside your body [1]; that feels accurate. Parents face intense vulnerability as we strive to keep our dear children safe. Now that I have a teen and a ten-year-old, keeping my boys safe looks much different than when they were babies and toddlers. I’m no longer worried about them catapulting out of their crib or flinging themselves into a pool.
But the dangers they face as they grow older are even scarier. Will they cling to Christ amid an antagonistic culture? Will they continue to know who they are as boys—growing into men—made in God’s image to glorify him? Will they resist the dehumanizing and addictive lure of pornography? If they marry, will they commit to women who fear the Lord? Of course, I care about their physical well-being. But will their souls be safe?
More than anything, I long to rejoice in eternal glory with my sons as my brothers.
God Uses Means
It’s easy to look around at the world and let fear shrivel our hearts. According to a recent Barna survey, 73% of Christian parents are “concerned about their children’s spiritual development.” This concern isn’t groundless; our children are under attack (see 1 Peter 5:8). As Mark Sanders highlighted, so many of our youth are deceived and seeking purpose in identifying as LGBTQ+. What can we do to make sure our kids will be okay?
Being not sovereign, not omniscient, and not omnipotent, we can’t guarantee anything. Our parenting can’t secure any particular outcome for our children. Faithful Christian parents might, heartbreakingly, watch their children turn away from the Lord.
Yet God works through means. In his providence, godly parents are a gift to their children and instruments in the Lord’s hands. How can we parent our kids from a place of confidence in the Lord rather than fear? Here are some thoughts and practices I’ve observed in wise Christian parents that my husband and I seek, by God’s grace, to follow.
- Trusting the Lord
Exhausted and defeated when my newborn wasn’t sleeping despite my having read, underlined, and applied all the baby book instructions, I agonized over what I was doing wrong. Don’t we all like a clear “do this, get that” sequence? But children are not programmable robots and only sometimes do what we expect.
Just as we’re saved only by God’s grace in Christ, not by our works, he is the only one we can rely on in all aspects of raising our kids. If they resist LGBTQ+ ideology and other sexual sins, it will be by God’s grace. This shatters my pride and gives me hope. If our children stand firm, praise Jesus—it’s his work alone. If they turn away, God is still good and accomplishing his plan in their lives and ours. I am finite and less good than God, the author of my children’s story as well as my own.
I am finite and less good than God, the author of my children’s story as well as my own.
The Judge of all the earth shall do what is just (Gen. 18:25) and calls himself “a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Ex. 34:6b). This truth soaks comfort into a believer’s soul, helping us entrust our precious children to the everlastingly faithful Father. We can’t guarantee anything, and we certainly can’t save them—and this is good news, because we make terrible saviors. The hopeful reality is that they’re in the hands of the triune Creator, who is justice, mercy, and love.
- Prayer
I’m happily convinced that praying for and with our kids is the best thing we can ever do for them. It’s better than all the discipline, school choices, family times, and device limits in the world.
Praying for Our Children
In Christ, frail humans are united to the One who spoke the universe into existence and keeps our breath circulating each moment. Prayer acknowledges that we are God’s, his way is best, and he is mighty. Before stating that “children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward” (v. 3), Psalm 127 begins with a foundational truth: “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain” (vv. 1–2). We can rest (“he gives to his beloved sleep”) because God is the builder and the watchman (v. 2).
Yet here lies one of Scripture’s great paradoxes: the almighty Lord chooses to work through the prayers of his people. Our prayers are part of God accomplishing his plan for our children. Let’s earnestly plead for them—for their salvation, their preservation, their delight in Jesus, their Kingdom usefulness, their eternal joy.
Praying with Our Children
Praying together establishes the family as a team, united in seeking the good of unbelievers for God’s glory. It lifts our gaze up and away from ourselves, opening our eyes to a world that needs the gospel and increasing our compassion for the lost. You most likely know a young person experiencing gender dysphoria—as a family, bring him or her before the throne of grace.
Praying with our children also models how believers can respond to intense emotions. In Christ, none of us must bear life’s weight alone. What a gift this is! We’re introducing them to our lifeline—a replenishing stream of communication with the living Lord who welcomes us in our sin, confusion, weakness, and fear. In prayer, directed by God’s Word, our children can run to Jesus with the deep troubles of their hearts instead of looking for hope in sexual sin and misplaced identity. We teach our kids to call 911 in an emergency; how much more to run to Jesus in prayer.
- Christ-Centered Marriage
Marriage in the Lord is holistically beneficial. Instituted by God for his glory and our joy, marriage between one man and one woman leads to whole-family flourishing that ripples out into the church and wider community. The radiating warmth of a godly marriage undermines today’s cultural idea that traditional marriage is oppressive. It’s so good for children to experience the loving stability of a home where their parents’ marriage is anchored in the Lord.
However, families face the reality of sin daily, and sometimes grievously. Your marriage may not be a haven; it may be broken. I’m sorry if you’re carrying this heavy burden.
Marriage, as great as it is, is not a final destination. It exists to illuminate the eternal spiritual reality of Christ and his bride, and, in the church, we bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2). Being part of a local church also provides the opportunity to see healthy families in action. My husband’s dad had an affair with the neighbor’s wife when my husband was only two years old. Later, his stepfather physically and emotionally abused him. Yet in the church, he saw husbands and wives loving one another and children happy in their security; he began to learn what it means to follow Jesus as a husband and father.
- Christian Community
I’ve learned much from families who are consistently involved in their local church, pursuing the means of grace despite physical obstacles and pain. This communicates to our kids that meeting with God’s people, under the preached Word, is not optional but essential. Taking communion, singing, praying together in the Lord—this is oxygen to believers living in a carbon-monoxide world.
And in the family of God, our children get to experience a truly gracious community. A desire for belonging may often drive young people toward an LGBTQ+ lifestyle. But the church offers a far richer, more diverse, beautifully hopeful community where every individual matters not for how they self-actualize, but because God says they are innately precious image-bearers.
- Hospitality
We need not hide from the world, afraid of being infected by its cultural agenda. Exercising wisdom is not the same thing as letting fear guide the way we interact with unbelievers.
Hospitality has always been central to following Jesus, and following Jesus leaves no room for fear, snobbery, or judgment. We were not saved by a superior understanding of male and female chromosomes or because our sexual preferences align with the Bible’s teaching, but by God’s welcoming mercy. We who call Jesus “Lord” were welcomed by him when we were deceived and hopeless. The bedrock of Christian hope is that the triune God loved us when we were still sinners and made us alive together in Christ when we were dead in our trespasses (Eph. 2:4–9, my emphasis).
In a culture saturated by an anemic, clichéd understanding of love—where “love is love” and “love wins”—the biblical assurance is this: God is love and Jesus wins.
When we extend hospitality, our children get to be exposed to a variety of people, lifestyles, and personalities. They see that the transforming love of Christ causes us to love others, even those who are different from us. Especially in our partisan world, this is a powerful apologetic for the gospel. I’m inspired by families who demonstrate their theological convictions through gospel-motivated and Spirit-sustained hospitality.
- Communication
To begin teaching your kids about sexuality, one friend says, just read the Old Testament during family worship. It will provoke all sorts of questions. She’s joking but also serious—God’s Word doesn’t shelter us from the ugliness of human depravity. It’s right to explain to our kids (age-appropriately) what’s going on and how it points to our Redeemer.
The temptation to avoid uncomfortable topics is real, but if we don’t speak with our kids about sexuality, we can rest assured the world will. Let’s resist any hint of shame culture that would cause embarrassment about the bodies and functions God created. Individual families need to decide when they’ll introduce things like biologically correct anatomical terms, the reproductive cycle, puberty, pornography, LGBTQ+ ideology, and other sexual developments and sins our children will face. But we must own our responsibility to teach them. I pray my boys know that they can come to their father and me with any—any—question and receive a truthful answer.
Our Hope: Jesus Alone
In a culture saturated by an anemic, clichéd understanding of love—where “love is love” and “love wins”—the biblical assurance is this: God is love and Jesus wins. Hopefully these aims encourage you in your parenting. Raising children in a world increasingly hostile to Christianity is scary. But—perhaps you’re feeling this, too—my sin scares me even more than the sin “out there.”
Inconsistency, irritability, distractibility, preoccupation with other things—these are some of the dangers my children face from a mom who claims to follow Jesus yet so often doesn’t live like it. Will they know I love them when I’m half paying attention and half trying to figure out my next task? Will they still see the beauty of Christ when they see me grumbling about chores or restless in discontent?
My hope as a weak and fallible mother rests in Christ alone. His children are clothed in his righteousness, and he will finish the work he started in us (Phil. 1:6). He is faithful; he is powerful; he is enough. Parents: with our confidence rooted in our Savior’s character and victory, we have every reason to press on, courageously raising our kids amid a threatening world.
1] As yet, I’m unable to pin down the source for this quote. It’s commonly attributed to Elizabeth Stone, but I’ve also seen it attributed to Ellen Cantarow. If anyone knows, please contact Harvest USA and fill me in!
13 Oct 2022
Christ-Centered Sex Talks
Over the years, I’ve talked with children who said they had the “sex talk.” Some have spoken of it as like a pep talk while others have told me what they think with a distasteful tone of disapproval. They say, “I know I should be more careful. But everyone in my school is doing it. So what?” “Why make it a big deal if you can always use protection?” “What’s wrong with me loving someone deeply enough to have sex?”
Though we might struggle to admit it, such forward-moving questions are loaded with power. The child’s inner confidence echoes a bravado that claims a greater knowledge than the wisdom that you—parent, teacher, or leader—yearn to provide.
In a world of TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram, our voices are dim. The destabilizing winds of our culture push and pull us and our children; we feel overwhelmed, without much to hold on to. Tired of arguments and restless with debates, we sigh—we love our children and care for their future that seems, at times, so uncertain. To a degree, we’ve all been defiant to our parents, teachers, and leaders. I remember standing as such a son to my parents when I would sarcastically tell them to “go to sleep” or “talk to the walls.” I believed they had nothing to offer my selfish self.
Furthermore, our society continues to march toward an increasingly relativistic moral structure, in which making absolute judgments on topics like sex is off-limits. We live in a world that’s more affirming than discerning, defiant instead of obedient, and hungry for self-praise rather than ready for self-sacrifice.
Nevertheless, as believers, we’re called to proclaim the gospel, fighting boldly against Christ-opposing lies. For Christ Jesus is the source of all truth. In him, we can live in this world without fear and model a Christ-centered life before our children.
Christ-Increasing
Just as raising a child requires continuous engagement in their lives, how we talk to them does, too. Rather than a one-and-done sex talk (which often has peculiar and questionable timing), we need an ongoing dialogue with our children that stems from our humble allegiance to our Father in heaven whereby we decrease, and he increases (John 3:30). A Christ-increasing relationship has his love as the core, giving meaning and direction to how we nurture our children. By God’s grace, may they realize—even by the tone of our voice—the importance of listening to us as they see Jesus through our lives.
Yes, a Christ-increasing life is vital. We don’t emphasize this enough! We become preoccupied with the means to an end and forget to acknowledge what truly matters in the care of our children: Jesus Christ. We should consider our relationship with Jesus and pay close attention to how we live as believers before considering how to engage in ongoing sex talks with our children. Are we wholly dependent on the gospel for such talks? Our children will be the first to see the work of the cross manifest in our lives—or not. Whether as parents, teachers, or leaders responsible for them, our life is an inevitable witness. Our time will pass away, but their memories of us and, most importantly, our standing before the Lord, will remain. Just as we were once the ones looking up to the adults in our lives, so will they do the same.
Therefore, how can those of us entrusted with their care prepare for ongoing sex talks in the context of a continuous relationship that fosters life in Christ? We must decrease, and decrease, and decrease—and Christ must increase, and increase, and increase evermore in our lives (John 3:30).
Christ-Redeeming
Some of us grew up in a home where the topic of sex was not common. Whether considered “taboo” or ignored altogether, sex was not discussed or brought into the light. Some of us hoped this uncharted territory would be addressed by our educational system, counseling sessions, and youth pastors. But the hesitation driving a parent, leader, or teacher to avoid an awkward conversation with their child comes from uncertainty. They acknowledge the subject’s importance but resist the impending discomfort of discord or friction.
Nevertheless, beloved brothers and sisters, we must stand as those who rely on the Spirit of God. We need to come to our children from the context of serving the Lord with all humility, tears, and trials (Acts 20:19a). As those shaped by that reality, we testify about Christ and thus speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15a). Although sex talks won’t always be pleasant or timely, the goal is to point to Christ at each turn our children make in life.
Hear Paul D. Tripp on speaking the truth in love:
“Effective biblical confrontation often begins before we speak. How we live with one another from day to day sets the stage for the way our words will be received. There is no separation between our daily lives and God’s redemptive work. We don’t advance our own wills in ‘normal’ situations and self-consciously serve the Lord in ‘ministry.’ This divided world is a fabrication of the Enemy. ¹
This foundation of speaking the truth in love is about how we live beholding God’s redemptive work in our lives. That should be the driving narrative of the sex talks themselves (which often seem confrontational to the one who listens), helping us engage our children without fear.
Yes, if we are to faithfully prepare our children to talk with and hopefully listen to us, Christ’s redeeming work must shine in our lives. Take the initiative to speak lovingly about Christ’s redeeming work and how he ordained the world to be.
Remember, this is good news for us, sinners! What better picture of life in Christ is there than parents walking in daily repentance and faith? If you feel defeated sexually, burdened by guilt, and hypocritical—if you think this conversation cannot even begin because you feel unworthy, dear brother and dear sister, you are not alone. Know that the realization of that is a gift of God’s Spirit, making your sin visible like scarlet. And know that the power of God to forgive promises your sins are made white as snow through the perfect, redeeming work of Jesus Christ (Isa. 1:18). Your faith in his promises and walking in his light will guide you, even through your broken words, as you speak with your children about the forgiveness you have sought and received.
Christ-Like
The problem is when there’s a discrepancy between our confessional and functional theology—what we say and what we do. We cannot expect children to listen or join a faith-driven, spiritual conversation when we don’t live as those who are redeemed. We must face the call to “only let [our] manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Phil. 1:27) and strive to accomplish such a call as believers who daily behold and rest in the redeeming hope of the gospel: Christ crucified (1 Cor. 1:23a).
Therefore, beloved brothers and sisters, we are to be imitators of God, walking in love just as Christ loved and gave himself up for us (Eph. 5:1). As we look to Jesus, we are to consistently commend him, so our dialogue displays the gospel and speaks the truth in love. If we’re going to have sex talks with our children in a Christ-increasing, Christ-redeeming, Christ-honoring way, we need to be like Christ. We need to stand as those who bear the cross and love their own to the very end, just as Jesus did (John 13:1). Without such a foundation, there can be no Christ-like relationship with our children.
Praise God, this rests not in our own strength, maturity, or ability. Jesus is the one who lived and loved perfectly, always centered on and obedient to the Father—and his perfection covers us. As you talk about sex within the context of a Christ-centered relationship, rest in Christ’s perfection. Jesus says, “you therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48) and just as “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness” (James 2:23), believe in Jesus! He is the One who is for you and with you, especially as you speak to your child.
The hope is that our children will perceive these sex talks not as a “one-and-done,” circumstantial matter, but as gospel truths spoken in a love organically connected and matured as we, by the Spirit of God, live as those who adore Jesus Christ.
¹Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (P&R Publishing: Phillipsburg, New Jersey, 2002), 221.
“And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.'”
—Mark 8:31–38
A personal reflection
The calling and cost of being a disciple—so clearly portrayed in Christ’s words—have often struck me with deep conviction and wonder, causing me to search out what it truly means to pick up my cross and follow after Christ. I first became familiar with this passage early in my Christian walk. I remember these words becoming one of the reasons I decided to attend seminary and pursue full-time ministry. I was gripped by the conviction that my life was not meant for myself but for Christ who gave himself for me. I wanted to lose my life for the sake of serving Christ!
It’s funny how getting a little life experience makes you see things from a different perspective. I am now in my mid-30s, married, and have a two-year-old son and an eight-week-old son. Although I’m still in full-time ministry, my life is currently occupied with poopy diapers, sticky floors, meal and bathtime schedules, middle-of-the-night crying spells, doctors’ visits, and all the rest that comes with keeping two little humans alive. It’s safe to say this was not on my radar when I envisioned my glorious call to die to self and live as a disciple of Christ!
This season of life might not seem like a big deal for some, but keep in mind that I am partly a product of the first-generation of millennials. We are rightfully stereotyped as a bit narcissistic and self-centered. In fact, Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychologist, flatteringly pegged millennials as “Generation Me.” Although she may have been a little tough on us with her diagnosis, there is certainly merit to the overall picture that my generation tends to put themselves first. This can be seen in everything from having an underlying sense of entitlement to a lack of commitment and to the classic FOMO (fear of missing out) that we all seem to have. I know these things have certainly been true of me. I still remember my single days when I relished the freedom I had on any given night to mosey home from work and decide if I wanted to go out with friends, hit the gym, veg out on Netflix, or do whatever else that floated my boat. After getting married, I had to learn (and am still learning) how to put my wife’s needs above my own and consider her in everything I do. Now, with two young children, I have very little time for myself as I am constantly being poured out for family!
The call and cost of a disciple
“The first Christ-suffering which every man must experience is the call to abandon the attachments of this world. It is that dying of the old man which is the result of his encounter with Christ. As we embark upon the discipleship we surrender ourselves to Christ in union with his death-we give over our lives to death. Thus it begins; the cross is not the terrible end to an otherwise god-fearing and happy life, but it meets us at the beginning of our communion with Christ. When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.”
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer (The Cost of Discipleship, p.89)
Practically, walking out my calling to be a husband and father entails dying to my desire to spend time serving myself and learning to renounce my millennial self-centeredness for the sake of caring for my family. Although it may feel costly at times, God is drawing me closer to himself and teaching me what it means to not live for myself, but for him and those whom he has called me to love. Not only so, but, as Bonhoeffer says, he is inviting me into genuine communion and fellowship with Christ, which uniquely results from bearing my cross for the sake of his calling on my life. When I embrace the calling to lay down my life in this way, I find that my heart is more aligned with Christ’s and that my true life and joy are found in him. This is a great lesson for a self-centered millennial!
God’s calling to pick up your cross and die to self is inevitably painful. Every cross has its own challenges for each person. Although there are several implications for what it means to bear your cross, this begins with dying to the worldly lusts and desires that we once held dear. It is a call to lay our wills, ambitions, plans, and wants down for the sake of seeing Christ reign in and through our lives. It is only then that we can begin to experience true fellowship and communion with Christ.
Take a moment to reflect on your own life and circumstances. In what ways might God be calling you to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow him?
Jesus Christ denied himself and took up his cross for the joy set before him: to reconcile us to God and be seated with him in glory. We too must take up our cross and endure suffering for the sake of Christ, that we might also partake in his joy. May you take up this call today, that you might experience the fellowship and joy that comes through walking with Jesus Christ.
Take a moment to simply consider what your son or daughter desires. What is he longing for? What does she feel she is getting from her identity that she cannot live without? Questions like this move you to discover what lies beneath the surface and lead you to a deeper understanding of your child.
To learn more about this topic, consider downloading Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity which is available as a free digital resource. You can also purchase Explaining LGBTQ+ Identity to Your Child: Biblical Guidance and Wisdom by Tim Geiger. When you buy this minibook from Harvest USA, 100% of your purchase will benefit our ministry.
You can also read the blog, “What Lies Beneath Your Child’s Sexual and Gender Identity,” which corresponds to this video.
Understanding your child’s perceived sexual and gender identity is no simple task. Perhaps you have tried to piece together how your child may have come to these conclusions about himself, but you still don’t understand what may have really formed the person he is today.
Although you may never be able to completely answer the how and why questions, you can be sure of one thing that lies beneath your child’s perceived sexual or gender identity: the desires of her heart.
Scripture speaks often about the fruit of our actions coming from what lies in our hearts:
“…from out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:4).
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality…” (Matthew 15:19).
This is a simple yet profound truth that gives great insight into the reasons for why a person comes to do what they do. Take a moment to simply consider what your son or daughter desires. What is he longing for? What does she feel she is getting from her identity that she cannot live without? Questions like these move you to discover what lies beneath the surface and lead you to a deeper understanding of your child.
As you explore these questions, you will probably discover in your child’s heart some of the most fundamental desires that we all experience: the desire to be loved, the desire for acceptance and affirmation, the desire for freedom from pain and suffering, the desire for comfort or affection.
Perhaps your child longs to be accepted and loved by a particular person or group. Maybe she has always felt unwanted or different from others and desires to be affirmed and feel attractive. Often, going through tough experiences shapes the way we view ourselves and the world around us. If your son or daughter has learned that they can meet an overriding desire through sexual experiences, a romantic relationship, or a unique community, he or she will hold onto it tightly and oppose anything that may threaten the security of keeping it close.
We pursue particular desires because we think we are the authorities on how to bring ourselves joy and contentment. But when we pursue them apart from God, or when we cannot fulfill a particular longing, we begin to live for these desires, doing everything in our power to bring about their fruition. Jeremiah 2:13 paints a vivid picture of Israel’s disobedience in this way.
“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water..”
This is the inclination of our sinful hearts. We seek to have our needs met outside of God’s provision for life, and we turn to broken cisterns that we think will give us nourishment. Although the things to which we turn for life in the created world are nothing more than leaky cisterns, we revisit them over and over again, believing these wells can satisfy our souls.
Somewhere along the way, your child has come to believe that his sexuality or gender expression is a central means to having his desires met. Becoming aware of his underlying desires will not only help you understand your child better but will also have significant implications for your relationship with him. Let’s consider a number of things you can cultivate as a result of this insight.
Have Compassion
Lead with empathy and compassion. Rather than reducing your daughter down to her behavior, you are able to consider how your child’s suffering and pain have uniquely shaped the particular desires that she wants to be met. Knowing your own tendency to turn to your choice broken cisterns can help you see that you are more alike than different from your daughter.
Have Patience
Dealing with tension and even hostility in relationship with a child is so challenging for parents. Understanding the role that desires play will help you make sense of his defensiveness and rejection of your interpretation that his sexual or gender identity is sinful.
Pray More Meaningfully
Rather than simply praying for behavioral change, pray for the desires of your child’s heart to be molded to God’s, knowing that he wants to satisfy your child’s desires with good things. Pray that God would show himself to be living water, faithful to meet your child in her thirsts.
Have Conversations that Move to the Heart
Knowing something about how desires lead to behaviors moves conversations beyond the surface fruit and helps you to discover what is in your child’s heart. Ask why his identity or sexuality means so much to him and how his sexual or gender expression meets his felt needs.
Although this may seem like a daunting task, as you apply these relational measures, your understanding of your child and what God may be after in your child’s life will become a little clearer. You will see that God does not simply desire to redeem your son or daughter’s behavior; he is after the heart. Though you aren’t able to see the whole picture clearly, he is still at work!
You can also watch the video, “Desires Fueling Your Child’s Sexual and Gender Identity,” which corresponds to this blog.
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 10 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. Here are some practical steps you can take to connect with your gay or transgender child and pursue relationship with him or her:
Ask to Hear Their Story
Some of you have heard your child’s story. But if you have never taken the opportunity to sit down with your child and ask them specific questions about their struggles with sexuality or gender, it’s time to remedy this. The purpose is to draw near to them, understand them more deeply, and grow in insight concerning their particular struggles with sexuality and gender.
For many, this might be a scary step because it requires that you only listen. As you ask your child to share, make it clear that you do not intend to comment on what they say or make counterarguments, but that you simply want to better understand them and their experience. This is not a teaching discussion, but a moment to truly hear your child.
Here are some examples of questions you can ask:
- What did it feel like for you growing up?
- When did you first begin to feel differently about your sexuality or gender?
- How did this affect your faith in God?
- Were there words from the church or from me that hurt you?
- What was it like to tell me the news about your new identity?
- What was it like to tell your friends?
- What was it like to keep this a secret?
- How do you feel now that you have brought this out into the open?
If your child lives too far away for this conversation to take place in person, or if your child feels afraid to have this conversation face to face, you can communicate with them through email or letters. If your child fears talking more openly with you, consider whether their fears are realistic and how you could help reduce those fears. In whatever form this conversation takes place, make a point to thank them for trusting you with their openness.
Purposefully Enter into Your Child’s World
Creating a climate of grace involves entering fully into your child’s world. This may not be a comfortable or desirous path for you, but consider how Christ entered our world. God sent his incarnate Son to identify with us, so you too must step into your child’s sphere of life.
Often when we face trials or experience rejection, we react in self-protection and retreat. Maybe you have reached out to your child, and they ignored you, grew cold, or shut you out until you agreed to accept their new identity. Maybe you believe the situation is more than you can handle; you find it easier to keep your distance. Or your child simply lives far away and is not in your daily life, so you tend to forget about initiating contact with them.
Resist the temptation to end your relationship with your child. Do not allow your pain to lead you to sin, either through neglect or with a sinful reaction yourself. You do not have to respond in kind to your child if they reject you.
Consider these practical ways to pursue your child that will show your continued love for them.
In conversation:
- Ask about their friends
- Ask about plans for the weekend
- Ask how school or work is going
- Take time to listen and respond
- Understand anew their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and who they are
- Ask them what they love to do now
- Discuss the latest movie, book, music, or sports game
- Ask what their favorite restaurant is
- Ask where they would like to travel and why
In action:
- Participate with them in their interests and activities
- Take them out for dinner, a movie, or shopping
- If they don’t live at home, visit them for fun or send a care package
- Bring them a special delivery of groceries
- Joke with them! Send a funny meme or picture
- Mail a card or letter
- Text, call, or email them
- Set up Skype or FaceTime dates
- Invite them and their friends to your home for an activity or a meal
- Spend time with them and their friends outside of the house
- Get to know their partner
Some of you fear that entering into your child’s world will somehow communicate your approval with their identity. But if you have already clearly stated your position on sexual or gender identity, you can rest assured that your child is fully aware of your beliefs. This engagement in their life is about them, about who they are as your child, and not about embracing the beliefs or ideas they hold. You can simply decline invitations to events or situations with which you feel uncomfortable, but do so prayerfully, and communicate your decision to your child gently.
Finding your way into your child’s world may take some time—there is nothing wrong with that, though you do need to take steps into their personal territory. Start small. Begin with conversations or find activities that you know they love. Engage your son or daughter in topics, events, and activities that you find safe. From there, you can build a strong foundation, and, strengthened by your relationship with God, you will be equipped to take larger steps into their world.
Consider the following questions today: Are you hesitant to reach out to your child? Why or why not? What is one way that you can enter into your child’s world this week?
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 9 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. In this excerpt, we invite you to consider how you can pursue your child and model the love of God through your relationship.
Likely, your relationship with your child looks different than it once did. Tension and distance may exist between the two of you. You may need to rebuild the foundation of trust and honesty with them. As the parent, you must be the one to initiate this reconciliation. View this responsibility as a blessing, as a chance to recreate the relationship in a new and more beautiful way, upon your own relationship with Christ.
As you actively pursue a ministry of reconciliation, one of the first steps is to create a climate of grace in your relationship. Essentially, this means that you communicate to your child through word, action, and deed that your relationship is a safe place for them. Regardless of their new position in life, you will continue to love them and be involved, even if their choices aren’t what you wanted for them. You can be a refuge for them when they need help or when life doesn’t go as they planned.
Below, we list four major components in creating this climate of grace.
Offer the Gift of Relationship
A climate of grace begins with offering the gift of relationship, without the requirement that your son or daughter first repent and turn from their lifestyle. Of course, repentance is required for complete reconciliation, but as God pursued you even while you were a sinner and enemy to him (Romans 5:8), you can extend this grace to your child. Do you find that you are waiting for your child to repent or change their ways before you offer this gift? Just as God does not break his relationship with you in response to every sin, so you can take steps toward your child even in the midst of them choosing a direction you do not support.
This is not to say that the relationship will be defined by all-out acceptance; rather, by relating to them in this way, they do not have to hide their feelings, questions, issues, or actions from you, even though you disagree. One major objective for doing this is for your child to return to you for future conversations, which may lead to more willingness to hear you out.
Model Your Own Need for God’s Grace
A second aspect of this climate of grace is modeling to your son or daughter that you need the same grace and forgiveness from God. You know that, every day, sin and unbelief plague your own heart, which also means that you can express thankfulness for God’s forgiveness and continued relationship with you. This truth gives you a deep humility in how you relate to others, especially to those like your child who choose to live outside of God’s Word. A posture of gratitude is the antidote to becoming the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son.
On a practical level, this means that you will acknowledge times when you have sinned and done wrong, while bearing in mind that your actions have not produced your child’s sexual struggles. Perhaps you need to ask for their forgiveness. Were there times you responded harshly or insensitively to your child’s chosen identity? Have you spoken words that belittled them? Has your response been one of open anger and disappointment?
As fallen beings, we all sin against our children, so we are called to confess and reconcile with them also. Reconciliation is a blessing in itself, leading toward openness and newness of relationship. It is a way to start over afresh, to make right what was once wrong.
Enter Fully into Your Child’s Life
A third aspect of this climate of grace requires that you willingly enter into your child’s life and interests. This will mean asking questions about his or her friends, partner, LGBTQ+ community, etc. You cannot have a viable relationship with your child apart from taking an interest in what he or she considers important. Again, engaging in this way may bring up fears about you approving of your child’s decision, but consider the ways in which Jesus entered closely into the lives of people who were not followers of God. Read John 4 about the woman at the well. Consider the slanderous description charged against Jesus, that he “ate with sinners and tax collectors” (Matthew 9:11, 11:19). Recall that he had fellowship with religious authority figures who were against him (Luke 7:36–50). Do you see how Jesus met with, related to, and cared for those who were outcasts and enemies? This enables you to engage with all of your child’s life, even the difficult parts.
Acknowledge Reality
Lastly, in order to create a climate of grace with your child, you must acknowledge the reality that this is who they say they are, what they believe about themselves, and how they want to be known. Acknowledging who they want to be is not approving of their new identity. But if you find yourself wanting to deny that they now define themselves as gay or identify as another gender, and you would rather continue focusing on who they were before, you may find that your relationship with your child stalls rather than moves forward. Instead, you can reframe for your child what true acceptance looks like by loving them and accepting, not affirming, their choices while still standing firm in truth. In doing so, you will demonstrate the way in which God accepts them as well.
For a climate of grace to exist between you and your child, you must meet them where they are. Make-believe and denial will further impair your relationship. So while you continue to hope and pray for a change within them, you must also accept that they are now identifying as gay or as another gender.
The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 1 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. Here are some points to consider as you observe your son or daughter’s behavior and wonder how to pray for them:
As the originator of our actions and the driver of our behaviors, the heart is the essence of a person, the volitional core of who we are. Examining the heart will help explain why you—and your child—do what you do.
Looking Deeper Than Behavior
Any parent with a gay or transgender child is strongly tempted to focus solely on their child’s behaviors. It’s alarming to hear the new ways in which your child talks about sexuality and gender with their friends, or to see how they’ve changed their dress and speech. Your desire to pluck this bad fruit off the tree and cause it to disappear makes sense, but this is tantamount to changing only outward actions and speech—which never actually gets to the heart. It’s like trying to fix an apple tree by removing the bad apples and tying up good ones in their place. While it is not amiss to address your child’s wrong behaviors, to never move beyond them is superficial and incomplete.
Look at your own sin patterns. Have you been able to just stop doing what you know is not right? Or do you have sin struggles that you continue to commit over and over? While God’s grace can instantaneously cease sinful actions and change hearts, God usually works within us over time, giving gradual freedom from temptations and desires as he sanctifies us. Most likely, certain sin struggles may be with you—and your child—for the rest of your lives. Experiencing and recognizing this process within yourself will give you compassion and understanding when looking at your child.
Scripture tells us that God cares deeply about what resides within our hearts. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (ESV).
Knowing that, ultimately, the heart needs transformation can free you from focusing on and reacting to your child’s behaviors. It’s their hearts, not their behaviors that ultimately need to change. Unless their hearts are redeemed, sinful behaviors will simply be hidden or morph into other wrong actions.
When you see your child behave in an ungodly way, look deeper into why they are choosing that, instead of focusing on the outward action. Contemplate what they are trusting in. What do they value? What is their functional savior, the thing that they believe will give them life and happiness? You may not be able to answer these questions now, but considering them is a great start to knowing your child on a deeper level.
Pray for Heart Change
Psalm 51:10 reads, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” David pleaded with God to transform his heart because he knew that God desires to sanctify all of his children. Since God alone can change and cleanse hearts, your job is to pray for your own heart as you pray for your son or daughter’s heart.
Pray for true change within your child, and remember that you are praying for more than behavioral change; pray for the redemption of your child’s entire soul. God has a plan and purpose for your son or daughter, so pray that God would conform your will to his.
Your child needs your prayers, and you have the privilege of praying for them to follow and obey God. If your child is not a believer or has rejected God, pray for their salvation. Pray that they would first be brought to a personal relationship with Christ. Knowing Jesus as Lord and Savior is the first step in turning from living outside of his design.
If your child declares that they are a believer and you see evidence of this in their lives, you can pray for the fruit of the Spirit to grow within them. Pray for more than just changed behavior; pray that the Spirit would transform their heart for following Christ and obeying him in all things. As Jesus says in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
Identify Good Fruit Within Your Child
As a result of the Fall, our lives are characterized by bad fruit and wrong behavior—yet God, in his mercy, allows sinners to practice good behavior, including your son or daughter. Your child is more than their bad fruit, or, more pointedly, they are more than their sexuality and gender.
Disproportionately focusing on bad fruit will harm your relationship and hinder you from loving your child well. You cannot have a loving conversation with them when all you see are their flaws, giving the sense that they are a problem needing to be fixed instead of the son or daughter you love. Strive to see them as a child of God who is still loved by their Creator—much like yourself.
Despite poor choices that may be hard to endure, your son or daughter certainly has good fruit that cannot be overlooked. Identifying good behaviors, attitudes, words, and actions is important for your child’s maturity and your relationship, so share with your child what you have observed to encourage them, strengthen them, and fortify your relationship with them.
True change is not found in simply altering one’s behavior. Rather, true change begins within, in our hearts. Every one of us needs God’s loving initiative to effect this kind of change.
One of the most common questions I receive from individuals who learn about our ministry to hurting parents is, “Where would you even start to help a parent struggling with this?” They usually ask with a sincere concern and eagerness to help. Nowadays, Christians are well aware of the cultural shifts occurring with sexual and gender identities but are often at a loss for how to speak into these issues. In particular, you may feel heavily burdened to help a parent whose child embraces an LGBTQ+ identity, but you may also feel nervous and timid when approaching such a difficult subject.
If you personally know a parent whose child is experiencing these issues, or you would like to help Christian parents who are navigating these difficult waters, I encourage you to be assertive in utilizing one of the most powerful tools of help: prayer.
Christian parents desperately need your prayers. Often, this experience is devastating and disorienting for a parent. It leaves them feeling a range of emotions from guilt, to fear, sadness, despair, and grief. Their questions and fears are simply overwhelming. In the midst of their hurt and confusion, parents need reassurance of the truth and comfort of Jesus Christ. As with many hard trials that we endure, parents need to be reminded of the truths of God they already know but are struggling to see and believe. They need the body of Christ interceding for them, providing strength in the midst of their weakness. I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s words, “The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother’s is sure” (Life Together, 23). In our place of strength, may we commit ourselves to interceding for parents who are deeply struggling.
When you are at a loss for which words to pray, Scripture is a good place to start. God’s word gives us language to use as we pray it back to him. I encourage you to consider finding specific passages to direct your prayer and intercession for hurting parents.
Here are a number of ways you can pray:
Pray for Comfort in Their Pain
“Lord you say, ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ Would you let this parent know the blessing of your deep comfort in the midst of their grief over their child?” (Matthew 5:4)
“Thank you, Lord, that you are near to the brokenhearted and save the crushed in spirit. Be near to these parents in their heartbreak.” (Psalm 34:18)
Pray for Peace and Trust in God
“I pray these parents would turn to you in their anxious thoughts about their child, because you are for them. May your peace, which transcends their understanding of what is taking place, guard their hearts and minds in Christ Jesus as they entrust their requests to you.” (Philippians 4:4–7)
“I pray that this parent would trust in you with all her heart and not lean on her own understanding of what is best for her child. I pray that she would acknowledge you in all her ways, that you might direct her steps!” (Proverbs 3:5–6)
Pray for Wisdom to Love Their Child
“Father, this is my prayer: that these parents’ love for their child may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. May they be able to discern what is best, and may they be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:9–11)
Pray for Strength and Perseverance
“Lord, please help these parents lay aside every weight and sin that entangles and run with perseverance the race you have marked out for them. Help them fix their eyes on you, the Author and Protector of their faith, who endured the cross for the joy set before him. Help them consider you who endured such opposition from sinners so that they may not grow weary or lose heart in their continued love for their child.” (Hebrews 12:1–3)
“Father, you say that you will renew the strength of those who wait on you. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. I pray that you would help this parent wait on you, Lord, that you might renew their strength.” (Isaiah 40:31)
Pray for Their Child
“Lord, you are the spring of living water! Open this child’s eyes to see you rightly, as the true living water for their soul. Help them see that turning to anything else to find fulfilment apart from you is only a broken cistern that cannot hold water. May you draw them to yourself.” (Jeremiah 2:13)
“Father, only you can remove a heart of stone and give a heart of flesh. I pray that you would soften this child’s heart. I pray your Holy Spirit would move in them so that they would desire to follow after you.” (Ezekiel 36:26–27)
26 Mar 2020
How Do I Talk to My Kids About Porn?
The book of Proverbs is given to us in the form of parents having conversations with their children. Some of the repeated topics in these conversations are sex and sexual immorality. In this video, Jim Weidenaar examines four characteristics of the parents’ talks in Proverbs that we can apply to conversations with our kids about porn: Be proactive. Be repetitive. Be positive. Be realistic.
To learn more about this topic, consider purchasing Raising Sexually Healthy Kids by David White or Explaining LGBTQ+ Identity to Your Child by Tim Geiger. When you buy these minibooks from Harvest USA, 100% of your purchase will benefit our ministry.
You can also read the blog, Six Dangers of Porn to Teach Your Kids, which corresponds to this video.
