Identity, Purpose, Community: Digital Boundaries for Children

Parents, consider the reality that our heavenly Father set the first boundary for his first created kids: “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die” (Gen. 2:16, 17). The Creator, our Father, provided his first children with the engineering masterpiece of all creation for their developmental flourishing, but he also set boundaries to protect his children.

Amid the dangers of today’s fallen world, digital boundaries for children are a vital and loving gift that reflect the good parenting of God.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 9:7–11)

This passage provides foundational truths to help parents disciple their children:

• As we rely upon him, our heavenly Father will provide all we need for the faithful discipleship of our children.

• It is a right reflection of God for image-bearing parents to desire to provide that which is good for their children (Duet. 6:6–8; James 1:17; Phil. 4:8).

• All created beings are designed to have necessary provisions for life come from outside of themselves (Col. 1:15–17).

With these foundational truths in mind, we parents can lovingly implement digital boundaries for our children. Understanding the three spheres we’re all God-driven to satisfy will help you relate to your child and guide them. Your children’s technology use cannot be simply glossed over as foolish, strange, or unimportant.^[1] It’s an expression of legitimate searching for identity, purpose, and community that both parents and children engage in.

Sphere #1: Your Child Seeks Identity

The New York Times reported the story of Antonio Garza, a transgender-identifying teenager who came into YouTube stardom, giving us insight into what finding identity online can look like: 

“I know some YouTubers who will post pictures of themselves taken straight from their phones, and they’re doing fine,” Antonio said. “They’re probably mentally doing amazing.” But she has a process. . . . This chaos—this cubism, this unleashing of our multiple selves—is a feature, not a bug, of the online world. . . . brought to us by teenagers who, as such, spend their days feeling like 10 different people at once and believe they can, and should, express them all.

Your child may be convinced that the online world is a promised land of endless exploration for identities. Boundaries need to be established to redirect them away from this never-satisfying pursuit of self-centeredness. Your child needs the soul-stabilizing truth that our identity is redemptively established only by our loving God. 

Here’s a question to ask your child about seeking identity:

Are there things about who you are (or who you want to be) online that you feel are better than who you are offline? (Gen. 1–2; Ps. 139)^[2]

Sphere #2: Your Child Seeks Purpose

Research on the philanthropic development of Generation Alpha—those born after 2012—explains how, through historically unprecedented online engagement, “they are more aware of the world’s challenges at a younger age.” However, research also shows how this online world can haphazardly fight to promote exposure of causes or agendas: “The drive for increased attention (on social media) compels us to pursue more eccentric (extreme) opinions or approaches. . . . We don’t realize that the ‘heat’ is increasing until either we become a victim of some hate or until we become attackers ourselves.”

Your child’s technology use is an expression of legitimate searching for identity, purpose, and community that both parents and children engage in.

We need to set digital boundaries for children to protect them from being deceived. It’s dangerous for our children to assume good purposes in these unfiltered, polarizing, and shifting extremes that are being promoted based predominantly on the clout of virtual popularity. We need to shepherd our children to understand that their true purpose is rooted in their union with and fruitful obedience to Christ alone.^[3]

Here’s a question to ask your child about seeking purpose:

What’s something you have discovered that’s trending online? How does that topic make you feel, and why? (Eph. 4; Gal. 1; 1 Tim.1)

Sphere #3: Your Child Seeks Community

A major tone of many online communities is one of total inclusivity and acceptance. Did you know your children can attend “church” in virtual reality? Regarding the LGBTQ+ community, VR MMO Church, “a spiritual community that exists entirely in the metaverse,” states:

You are welcome here. Our goal is to create a safe place for people to get to know the amazing and life-changing love of Jesus. As a decentralized, Christo-centric church community, we have diverse views on the topic of LGBTQ+ issues. However, we all unite under the banner of Christ.

Yes, God clearly declares through the Apostle Paul, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). God does have an open-armed welcome for sinners, and the church is to reflect that welcome. But Paul clarifies: “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” (Rom. 6:1, 2).

True Christian community rightly teaches that God’s acceptance and inclusion of any sinner in salvation always brings with it Spirit-empowered calling to grow in rejecting sin. Parents, we must set digital boundaries that protect our children from participating in online communities that present a conditional unity of inclusivity and acceptance that is contrary to their participation in gospel redemption.

Here’s a question to ask your child about seeking community:

What online community (or communities) do you (want to) see yourself as part of, and what do you like about who that group praises you for being? (Col. 3:1–17; Heb. 10)

Setting Digital Boundaries for Children: Warning and Hope

Establishing digital boundaries for children can be a battlefield. Scripture warns us that whenever idols are threatened, the worshiper will be tempted to protectively lash out (Jam. 4:1–3).

As parents, we must recognize that setting boundaries around our children’s technology doesn’t only risk challenging our children’s idols; this process may very well jeopardize our idols, too.

But children are not the only ones prone to idols. I find this report insightful: “Lego researchers tell Business Insider that American parents generally don’t like toys where they have to step in and help their kids play with them. So, Legos sold in the U.S. are easier to set up.” As parents, we must recognize that setting boundaries around our children’s technology doesn’t only risk challenging our children’s idols; this process may very well jeopardize our idols, too. Setting digital boundaries for children will impact our ease, comfort, and freedom—just to name a few things parents can worship.^[4]

So, how do we begin this process of self-sacrifice? We surrender our idols daily and look to Jesus. We trust and grow in our affection for the One who, by his sacrifice on the cross, gave us an empowering example. Christ shows us how we are to lay down our lives for the discipling of our children (Rom. 5). Parents, we start by cultivating our identity, purpose, and community according to the provision of our heavenly Father. He will help and strengthen us to shepherd our kids through these three spheres of digital boundaries for children.

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^[1] In his Tetris and Pokémon Card YouTube videos, online influencer Logan Paul (with 23.6 million subscribers) reveals that what uninformed parents may see as childish, unimportant games are actually seen by culture and possibly your child as important, life shaping pursuits of identity, purpose, and community. (Viewer discretion advised for profanity.)

^[2] Take the time to know the specific technology/online platforms your child is bending towards so that when you ask these questions, you can make them personal.

^[3] John Knox is attributed to have said “The man who stands with God is always in the majority.” We certainly need to instill this sense of courageous purposefulness in the hearts of our children. I highly recommend The Torchlighters as a resource for sharing inspirational testimonies with your children (note that some episodes present depictions of Christ).

^[4] This podcast episode speaks practically about ways parents can prioritize family time over screen time.