How to Pursue Relationship with Your Gay or Transgender Child

The following is an abbreviated excerpt from Chapter 10 of our new parents’ curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, which is now available as a free digital download. Here are some practical steps you can take to connect with your gay or transgender child and pursue relationship with him or her:

Ask to Hear Their Story

Some of you have heard your child’s story. But if you have never taken the opportunity to sit down with your child and ask them specific questions about their struggles with sexuality or gender, it’s time to remedy this. The purpose is to draw near to them, understand them more deeply, and grow in insight concerning their particular struggles with sexuality and gender.

For many, this might be a scary step because it requires that you only listen. As you ask your child to share, make it clear that you do not intend to comment on what they say or make counterarguments, but that you simply want to better understand them and their experience. This is not a teaching discussion, but a moment to truly hear your child.

Here are some examples of questions you can ask:

  • What did it feel like for you growing up?
  • When did you first begin to feel differently about your sexuality or gender?
  • How did this affect your faith in God?
  • Were there words from the church or from me that hurt you?
  • What was it like to tell me the news about your new identity?
  • What was it like to tell your friends?
  • What was it like to keep this a secret?
  • How do you feel now that you have brought this out into the open?

If your child lives too far away for this conversation to take place in person, or if your child feels afraid to have this conversation face to face, you can communicate with them through email or letters. If your child fears talking more openly with you, consider whether their fears are realistic and how you could help reduce those fears. In whatever form this conversation takes place, make a point to thank them for trusting you with their openness.

Purposefully Enter into Your Child’s World

Creating a climate of grace involves entering fully into your child’s world. This may not be a comfortable or desirous path for you, but consider how Christ entered our world. God sent his incarnate Son to identify with us, so you too must step into your child’s sphere of life.

Often when we face trials or experience rejection, we react in self-protection and retreat. Maybe you have reached out to your child, and they ignored you, grew cold, or shut you out until you agreed to accept their new identity. Maybe you believe the situation is more than you can handle; you find it easier to keep your distance. Or your child simply lives far away and is not in your daily life, so you tend to forget about initiating contact with them.

Resist the temptation to end your relationship with your child. Do not allow your pain to lead you to sin, either through neglect or with a sinful reaction yourself. You do not have to respond in kind to your child if they reject you.

Consider these practical ways to pursue your child that will show your continued love for them.

In conversation:

  • Ask about their friends
  • Ask about plans for the weekend
  • Ask how school or work is going
  • Take time to listen and respond
  • Understand anew their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and who they are
  • Ask them what they love to do now
  • Discuss the latest movie, book, music, or sports game
  • Ask what their favorite restaurant is
  • Ask where they would like to travel and why

In action:

  • Participate with them in their interests and activities
  • Take them out for dinner, a movie, or shopping
  • If they don’t live at home, visit them for fun or send a care package
  • Bring them a special delivery of groceries
  • Joke with them! Send a funny meme or picture
  • Mail a card or letter
  • Text, call, or email them
  • Set up Skype or FaceTime dates
  • Invite them and their friends to your home for an activity or a meal
  • Spend time with them and their friends outside of the house
  • Get to know their partner

Some of you fear that entering into your child’s world will somehow communicate your approval with their identity. But if you have already clearly stated your position on sexual or gender identity, you can rest assured that your child is fully aware of your beliefs. This engagement in their life is about them, about who they are as your child, and not about embracing the beliefs or ideas they hold. You can simply decline invitations to events or situations with which you feel uncomfortable, but do so prayerfully, and communicate your decision to your child gently.

Finding your way into your child’s world may take some time—there is nothing wrong with that, though you do need to take steps into their personal territory. Start small. Begin with conversations or find activities that you know they love. Engage your son or daughter in topics, events, and activities that you find safe. From there, you can build a strong foundation, and, strengthened by your relationship with God, you will be equipped to take larger steps into their world.

Consider the following questions today: Are you hesitant to reach out to your child? Why or why not? What is one way that you can enter into your child’s world this week?

Chris Torchia
About The Author
Chris Torchia is the Parents and Family Ministry Coordinator for Harvest USA. In his role, Chris cares for hurting parents whose children identify as LGBTQ+. Chris also helps educate and equip the Church to minister to hurting parents. Chris completed his Master of Arts in Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Glenside, PA. He has also served as a counseling intern at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF), Glenside, PA. He holds a BA in Intercultural Studies from Lancaster Bible College, PA. Apart from his work at Harvest USA, Chris has been involved with a breakdance ministry for over eight years that focuses on teaching and mentoring youth.

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