A Gospel Lens: Why “Men Will Be Men” Hurts Women

In my writing for Harvest USA over the past 17 years, I’ve steered clear of ranting or raging. To be sure, plenty of situations and stories have prompted heartfelt tears—and sometimes anger—on behalf of hundreds of women. But there’s one sentiment, held and communicated in a variety of ways, that particularly sparks my charged emotions: the idea that “men will be men.” I’ve seen this tragically used to excuse, minimize, or outright approve of sexual sin and selfishness.

Please hear my broken, yet hopeful (if occasionally riled) heart on this issue. I have many godly, kind, humble men in my life: brothers in Christ who not only preach against such unbiblical sentiments and actions but defend and advocate for women in vulnerable circumstances. I know pastors and ministry leaders who equip their people to live with sexual integrity and include women in the conversation about sexual struggles and Christ’s grace. They know that we, too, need the gospel for our sexual and romantic temptations and sins.

Yet stories keep emerging about high-profile ministry leaders abusing their authority for selfish sexual gain. Pastors and leaders admonish wives along the lines of, “Well—he’s a man, after all, and all men have problems with lust.”

Is It Really That Bad?

Hearing real-life testimonies like the following has left me feeling disheartened and angry.

• A woman is dressed immodestly, and a man moves toward her with ungodly, lustful, threatening words— and maybe actions. What did you expect? Men are visually aroused; of course he couldn’t restrain himself.

• A wife is disinterested in sex. Though she engages in it to please or appease her husband, he’s consistently angry with her apathy and lack of desire for him. He looks at porn to have an audience that seems to want him. I mean, can you blame him? A guy has needs, and if his wife doesn’t satisfy him, what’s he supposed to do?

• An engaged woman is receiving advice about her wedding night. Women get all the attention leading up to the wedding; husbands should get all the attention on the wedding night. A bride should focus only on pleasing her husband. She should be willing to do whatever he wants. After all, wives’ bodies belong to their husbands, right?

Friends, this is not an exaggeration. These vignettes are based on real experiences women have shared with me.

“Men Will Be Men” — But What Kind of Man?

God created men and women for himself—with purpose and power supplied by him alone. We are to reflect him in all we do and say through holy lives of sacrificial love, kindness, and utter dependence upon Christ as we “work out our salvation” in this life (Phil. 2:12–13). Our Father in heaven created men to be his men and women to be his women as sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, united in Christ for his glory to spread his fame throughout the world.

How, then, has it become common (even among professing believers!) that we expect men’s sexual desires to rule them? Why do we neglect God’s command in 2 Corinthians when it comes to sexual temptation and desire?

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Cor. 5:16–17, my emphasis.)

When women are taught “men will be men” to excuse selfish behavior and attitudes, it communicates an anti-biblical message to hurting wives, vulnerable teen girls, and single women who didn’t expect a Christian man to demand sexual ‘favors’ on the second or third date.

Men (and Women) Need Higher Expectations

Consider another look at the above ideas—this time, through a gospel lens that recalibrates us according to God’s truth.

• “Yes, he’s a Christian brother. But he is a man, after all. ALL men struggle with lust.” It’s not true that all men struggle with sexual lust—at least not in the same way, consistently, or in a way that demands the lust of his flesh be gratified sinfully. No! It is demeaning to our brothers in Christ to see them with such a worldly point of view. Just as it’s wrong to see women as objects of lust, it’s wrong to objectify men as animals with no ability to exercise self-control—both attitudes are worldly rather than biblical.

Yes, men have sexual desires; women do, too. But the power that raised Christ from the dead abides within the believer to slay sin, flee from temptation, and love others as Christ does. What stunning transformation could happen if Christians would begin to rally around a statement like this: Christ’s men (and women!) will be Christlike through the very real and present power of the Spirit.

Instead of a generalized, worldly view that assumes men must be flesh-satisfiers, let’s proclaim God’s powerful work to change believers: “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it!” (1 Thess. 5:23–24).

• “He’s your husband so you must submit to him sexually, whenever and however he demands.” Really?! This is not the message of the gospel, nor was this Paul’s intent when he taught about marriage and the vital role of mutual submission to Christ and the call of wives to submit to their husbands’ mantle of servant-hearted, sacrificial leadership and love. To demand that a wife please her husband sexually no matter what—even if she is uncomfortable or in pain—is to disregard her as an image-bearer of Christ. It dehumanizes her as merely a means of providing sexual pleasure to her husband. Full stop.

Wives can acquiesce to engage sexually with their husbands in these circumstances while feeling used, broken-hearted, and utterly ‘missed.’ This is not living out the “profound mystery” that sex was created to highlight (Eph. 5:32). God designed sexual intimacy to point to the tender, selfless, safe, joyful love of Jesus for his bride!

Imagine the impact it would have on marriages if believers were to rally around this truth: Brother and sister, your call is to love Jesus together—submitting to him and one another, serving the other as more important than yourself. This is, in fact, a core aspect of being a disciple of Jesus (see Luke 9:23; Phil. 2:1–11).

The Beauty of Christlike, Kingdom-Minded Men

Over 32 years of vocational ministry, I’ve known some of the best men in the world. The brothers I’ve served with— and many who came to us for ministry—have modeled Christlike and God-honoring male image-bearing.

What makes a godly man or woman? They yield to the Lord through loving and obeying him, they desire to love others with humility, and they prioritize the supremacy of Christ in all things (see Col. 1:9–21). To confront sin and selfishness, this is the gospel lens we must apply when someone misuses a phrase like “men will be men.”

I’ve seen godly character and stunning transformation in the lives of single and married men who, in practical, humble repentance, allowed Christ to grow them into his men. They moved away from saying, believing, or teaching the kinds of things mentioned earlier. With transformed thinking, they began to express gospel love with words and actions reflecting Paul’s prayer for the Colossians—they grew in a walk of faith “in a manner worthy of the Lord,” sought to please Christ and not themselves, and began to bear fruit more and more which was in keeping with repentance (Col. 1:10).

Practically, this looks and sounds like:

. . . seeking Christ with devotion and faithfulness as a lifestyle.

. . . patient forbearing with wives who need time, gentleness, and intentionality to rebuild trust in their husbands.

. . . refusing to coerce, pout, or shame girlfriends and wives into sexual activity.

. . . honoring unmarried women as sisters in Christ and daughters of our Father in heaven who is very committed to protecting, honoring, and cherishing them.

. . . marriages and churches that hold to a complementarian[1] understanding of the different roles for women and men growing into the safest, most nurturing and women-honoring places of all! This includes discipling women about godly sexuality, repentance from sexual sin, and relational holiness.

Honor Christ: The Man Who Is Savior and Lord!

Brothers and sisters, isn’t it humbling and faith-invigorating to know that Christ, our Lord, became a man? He was the Man of all men and lived joyfully yielded to his Father’s will. He courageously initiated healing, acted with honoring love toward the women he met, and discipled and sent men and women in his name to spread the gospel to the world. Women must surrender to Christ in essentially the same ways that men are called to surrender: from the heart, as an active step of daily obedience.

Let’s commit to being men and women who see each other through Christ, not through the lens of worldly opinions or culturally informed values. He is the “right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing!”[2]

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[1] Derek Thomas, “Does the Creation account prior to the fall support complementarianism?” Ligonier Ministries, https://www.ligonier.org/learn/qas/ does-the-creation-account-prior-to-the-fall-support-complementarianism, accessed July 17, 2024.

[2] Martin Luther, “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God,” https://www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/h/886, June 25, 2024.