Are Women Happier Without Men? The Bible’s Solution to Heteropessimism

For the modern woman, there are increasingly novel ways to describe attractions, affiliations, and inclinations. One can identify as “queer,” “bi,” “demi-sexual,” “graysexual,” “asexual,” or more. One new term, coined by Asa Seresin in 2019, caught my attention as a bit of a canary in the coal mine: “heteropessimism.” As the name suggests, heteropessimists have a pessimistic outlook on what they would call the unfortunate state of their heterosexual attractions. They bemoan not being in the queer community and feel they’re relegated to what some call “the prison of being attracted to men.”^[1]

The cynicism and grief of this community of women finds its primary source in being attracted to men or “being straight.” This condemns these women, in their view, to a destiny of disappointment and harm at the hands of the men with whom they must have romantic and sexual relationships. Seresin adds that [heteropessimism’s] “structure is anticipatory, designed to preemptively anesthetize the heart against the pervasive awfulness of heterosexual culture as well as the sharp plunge of quotidian romantic pain.”^[2]

Where Is Heteropessimism Coming From?

Listen closely, and you’ll hear an understandable if increasingly fragile cry within heteropessimism. It reveals a weariness that says, “I don’t want to be mistreated by men anymore.”  While the term “heteropessimism” primarily lives in the academy, within gender and feminist studies, the sentiment it promotes has become much more mainstream even in the church.

British Vogue came out with an article last year asking the question, “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” The author writes, “Where being single was once a cautionary tale (you’ll end up a ‘spinster’ with loads of cats), it is now becoming a desirable and coveted status, another nail in the coffin of a centuries-old heterosexual fairytale that never really benefitted women to begin with.”^[3] The same publication offered reasons why singleness was preferred, including things like not having to share a bed, not having to consider someone else’s feelings, “being hotter,” and having more free time. Similarly, an episode of the Delusional Diaries podcast analyzed the relative value of having a boyfriend, concluding, “suddenly being single gives off ‘mysterious, independent, slay’ energy and makes you seem instantly cooler.”^[4]

Yet, at its core, I don’t think heteropessimism is primarily about being cool. Counselor and author Ed Welch is known for teaching that, when we listen to someone’s story, we need to listen for the pain and listen for their proposed solution to that pain. When we hear those things, we will find their functional savior. Sadly, for many women, their stories have been punctuated by pain at the hands of men they should have been able to trust. There is often a story of suffering under the sentiment of heteropessimism. 

The Battle of the Sexes

Yet in our increasingly online, polarized culture, there are men crying the very same things about women. Men Going Their Own Way is a movement maintaining that “women are sly, parasitic, and essentially evil, that heterosexuality is wholly beneficial to women and severely dangerous for men, and that the only solution is for men to abstain from marriage, reproduction, and (according to some) dating, sex, and even masturbation.”^[5] Normalization of a hatred of men is growing right alongside the growth of the manosphere and open misogyny online. Sadly, desiring marriage and children is an increasingly “uncool” position for women; it’s even radical to some.

Who is the villain in all this heterosexual pain? Would women be better off without men? Would men be better off without women?

The Bible’s Solution to Heteropessimism

With the phrase “and God separated,” the creation account in Genesis 1 and 2 offers repeated distinctions and binaries that are ordered by God. We see God separate light from darkness, heaven from earth, land from sea, and the sun from the moon. Finally, he creates woman in relation to man but in an interdependent way not seen in the other binaries. Yet this separation is never seen as a competition, an adversarial relation, or an unequal value until after the fall. God created these interdependent binaries and called them “good.” We see echoes of this in the church, the body of Christ, where brothers and sisters are united into one covenant family while retaining their distinct cultures, tribes, and tongues. Similarly, nothing can be more different in essence than the Creator and his creation, yet the eternal, self-existing Creator unites himself to mankind through union with Christ, thus uniting us to one another (Eph. 1:7–9). Truly, Christ offers a new and living way (Heb. 10:20) for people with vast differences to be one (John 17:21).

This means that being a woman isn’t merely an incidental correlation to men, and vice versa. No one person can extricate themselves from the reality of being a created being and not the Creator (Acts 17:25). We are essentially interdependent one with another (1 Cor. 12:12–27). Men and women who form communities in which they vilify and seek to live independently of the other sex have denied a vital part of what it means to be human.

Heteropessimism seeks to create harmony and satisfaction through separation and distinction. It makes the wrong diagnosis of the problem, heaping blame on the other sex, and therefore offers a faulty solution. In Christ, the dividing wall of hostility has been removed (Eph. 2:14). Within the body of Christ, we gladly submit to one another (Eph. 5:21), serve one another (Gal. 5:13), love one another (John 13:34), bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), and forgive one another (Col. 3:13) . . . all out of reverence to Christ, our head! This interdependence is God’s intent for human flourishing, and we see it most profoundly on this earth in the life of his body, the church.

A Note on Abuse and Oppression

Men and women who wrestle with the ongoing impact of harm done to them are not the intended audience for this article. Experiencing the impact of abuse is not the same as heteropessimism. Christians should grieve and lament the ways they have been oppressed, running to Christ who tenderly grieves when injustice and harm come to his people. Experiencing the effects of harm does not mean you’re a heteropessimist. Pursue the tender comforts of Christ if this is your story.

Is Heteropessimism in Your Heart?

Heteropessimism is typically seen in cynicism and bitterness toward the opposite sex that results in failing to think the best of them or take them as a unique individual. It is calling something God has said is good (e.g., marriage, masculinity, femininity) and cultivating indifference or rejection toward it as a means of self-protection. It’s seen in comments like, “There are no good Christian men out there,” or “Christian women are rarely spiritually mature enough for me,” side comments about your wife being “the old ball and chain” or your husband being an “inept goof.” If you find yourself holding these sentiments, you may have ingested the cultural influence of heteropessimism and need to take some faith-filled steps toward being renewed in your mind rather than conformed to this world (Rom. 12:2).

Consider the following diagnostic questions:

1. Are you involved in a local church where you have meaningful relationships with brothers and sisters outside of a romantic or marriage context? If you don’t have any relationships with someone of the opposite sex in a holy, sibling-to-sibling way, something may be off track.

2. What content do you regularly take in? If you’re listening to men talk poorly of women and women talk poorly of men, especially in the name of Christ, it may be wise to consider its impact on your real relationships with the opposite sex and turn off the podcast.

3. What are your private thoughts? Do you regularly have thoughts about the opposite sex that are judgmental and painted with a broad brush (for example, “women are always so emotional” or “men can’t communicate”)? Ask the Lord to renew your mind when it comes to the opposite sex to see their gender as the gift it is to you and the church at large.

4. Are you only motivated to know members of the opposite sex for the purpose of dating? Does a man or woman’s value rise and fall based on them being a potential mate? If married, do you feel that you don’t “need” to know any brothers or sisters other than your spouse in any way? If the only dimension for interaction with the opposite sex for you is romantic, you’re missing some of the glorious interdependence of the body of Christ.

5. If you have a past or present pornography struggle, consider how that may have shaped your view of the opposite sex.

Our Ultimate Hope

The battle of the sexes is as old as the garden of Eden. The fall gave way to pain, sin, and brokenness between men and women, and our diagnosis of the problem always betrays where we will look for the solution. Where can we find hope?

In Genesis 3:15, God proclaims his plan of salvation through his Son. The promise that “he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel” gives us glorious hope in the solution we long for. Though Satan and evil will have real impacts in this life, the ultimate victory over sin and death is Christ’s through his perfect life, death, and resurrection. This means that believing the gospel and walking in the new and living way of Christ is the path of hope when strife between the sexes comes naturally. “God promises that the serpent shall not always triumph over miserable man.”^[6] As we look to Christ together, as the household of faith, we can be increasingly changed into his likeness (2 Cor. 3:18).

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^[1] Sophie Lewis, “Collective Turn-Off,” Mal Journal, https://maljournal.com/5/sex-negative/sophie-lewis/collective-turn-off/. Accessed 5/4/26

^[2] Asa Seresin, “On Heteropessimism,” The New Inquiry, October 9, 2019, https://thenewinquiry.com/on-heteropessimism/. Accessed June 3, 2026.

^[3] Chanté Joseph and Daisy Jones, “Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” British Vogue, October 25, 2025, https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now. Accessed May 4, 2026.

^[4] Delusional Diaries Podcast, “single vs. taken,” October 2, 2025, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/single-vs-taken/id1636908111?i=1000729711313. Accessed June 3, 2026.

^[5] Asa Seresin, “On Heteropessimism,” The New Inquiry, October 9, 2019, https://thenewinquiry.com/on-heteropessimism/. Accessed June 3, 2026.

^[6]John Calvin, Commentaries on the First Book of Moses Called Genesis, trans. John King (Edinburgh: Calvin Translation Society, 1847), 172–175.