Biblical Womanhood for Girls Who Don’t Fit the Mold

Do you know any girls who don’t fit the mold? Maybe it’s your daughter, or perhaps you’re in youth ministry and have girls who seem to act, think, dress, or develop affinities in ways that don’t match your picture of biblical womanhood.

• The girl who struggles to make friends with other girls; she’s interested in anime and likes to draw samurai warriors.
• The girl who mostly wears her older brother’s hand-me-downs (baggy sports jerseys are a favorite!).
• The girl who excels in soccer and mostly hangs with the boys in her youth group and neighborhood.
• The girl who is immersed in an online world of NFL fandom. She knows every stat and catches every game. She struggles to talk to her female peers, but when football is mentioned, she finds an easy “in”—usually with men or boys.

What does it look like to disciple her to be the girl and eventually the woman God has made her to be? How can parents and churches discern between extra-biblical cultural tropes (such as “girls love pink,” “girls are sweet,” or “girls like makeup”) and godly characteristics that are unique to female image-bearers?

God made her a girl—this is the essence of biblical womanhood. And it is very good.

What we can say with certainty is that this girl is not the problem. She is loved, made in God’s image, and, like us all, needs discipleship and care. So, when we desire to encourage biblical womanhood, what exactly are we seeking to cultivate?

Biblical Womanhood: Roles vs. Character Traits

Man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. (1 Sam. 16:7)

We must start with the truth that the heart is the priority. God always desires that we change, grow, and obey from the heart; the Lord does not judge solely on behavior or appearance.

This doesn’t, however, mean that appearance or behavior isn’t important to God. In fact, God beautifully designed different roles for men and women in the context of church and marriage that magnify the ways in which, while equal in their image-bearing and dignity, men and women participate in God’s redemptive kingdom work in distinct ways. But God-given roles (such as mother or wife) and Spirit-controlled character traits (such as humility, courage, meekness) require some distinction when discipling girls who don’t fit the mold.

Which Character Traits Are Specific to Women?

The Bible portrays many different types of women who often don’t fit the mold of what many would characterize as biblical femininity.^[1] The truth is, we don’t see many prescriptive commands in Scripture about how a woman is supposed to be a woman.

Some beautiful character traits spoken to women are self-control and modesty (1 Tim. 2:9), learning in church by submitting to their pastors (1 Tim. 2:11), being pure, kind, and workers in their homes (Titus 2:5). Does this mean that men don’t need to have these character traits? No! Men ought to cultivate all these traits, too. Yet God saw fit that women should be given a particular directive to these ends. Similarly, God tells men not to quarrel, but instead to pray (1 Tim. 2:8). Does this mean that women are exempt from the command not to quarrel but instead to pray? No! But God in his wisdom wanted to point this directive to men.

We must not over- or under-emphasize the beauty in sex differences: there are differences, to be sure. But most character-related commands apply to the entire household of God and are not differentiated by sex.

Where Do I Start?

When you’re discipling a girl who doesn’t fit the mold, start by anchoring yourself in the unchangeable reality that she is a girl. God made her a girl—this is the essence of biblical womanhood. And it is very good. You can affirm this in several ways:

1. Know

Discipleship always involves taking the time to learn how the other person ticks. How does this girl think about the world? What does she love or hate? What motivates her? What does she fear? For help with questions like these, I commend David Powlison’s masterful book Seeing with New Eyes: Counseling and the Human Condition through the Lens of Scripture.^[2] In chapter seven, he includes 35 “x-ray questions” that are aimed at knowing someone deeply to love them well.

2. Affirm

“I love how God made you a girl who is thoughtful and strong.”

“I’m proud of the young woman you are growing up to be.”

“I know it’s tough to be a girl in today’s world; it’s different from when I was a kid. Your desire for truth is wise, keep going!”

3. Dialogue

“What do you think it means for you, as a girl, to be self-controlled? Is it different from a boy?”

“How have you felt about being a girl in a school that says you can choose your gender?”

“How do you see the boys as different from the girls?”

“What did you think about the poster in that shop that said, ‘gender is a social construct.’ Do you know what that means?”

4. Correct

“Even though you are equal in dignity and worth as a girl, it doesn’t mean there are no distinctions between you and your boy cousins. God loves the differences; they were his idea!”

“I know you’ve said you hate being a girl, but let’s talk together about why you feel that way, and what God says about it.”

“Are you leaning into some ungodly desires by refusing to go to Sarah’s birthday party? Help me understand why you think of yourself as different from all the other girls in the youth group?”

5. Encourage

“The way you showed kindness to your brother was a beautiful reflection of how God made you not only as a girl, but a godly girl; I’m proud of you!”

“It’s cool to see you growing up to be a young woman who studies God’s Word.”

“I’ve seen you wrestle wisely with some of the things you don’t like about being a girl. Don’t give up—God’s ways lead to peace and flourishing.”

What Kind of Girl Will She Be?

The bigger picture question within the context of discipleship is what kind of girl will she be? Will she be a girl submitted to Christ? Or one who lives under the tyranny of self-definition and self-rule?

Start with a general scope of developing the fruit of the spirit in this young woman rather than seeking particular outcomes, unless there are clearly sinful actions or attitudes to address. This posture allows you to cultivate her godliness with a heart that says, “I wonder how God is shaping this girl? I eagerly long to see her gifts play out in the body of Christ through the fruit of the Spirit.”

This, after all, is God’s desire for her—not that she stops liking football and starts ballet. For one girl, wearing her older brother’s sports jerseys may, indeed, represent a fleshly or fear-based impulse to be seen as a boy or distance herself from being a girl. For another, wearing her older brother’s jerseys may be coming from a place of simplicity, joy, and the desire to express her unique style.

Responding to Girls Who Don’t Fit the Mold

Discipling girls who don’t fit the mold takes more time, humility, prayer, and submission to Christ than a simple, “Hey, stop wearing that Packers jersey; it’s too masculine!” Your heart as a parent or youth leader may incline towards those kinds of directives for many reasons. Let’s look at your heart as a discipler and do some diagnostics.

1. What is motivating you? What emotions are you experiencing about this girl? How does she intersect with your own story? Are you being ruled by fear of man or faithfulness and love? Are you giving directives to get her to stop embarrassing you? Are you worried about her future and speaking out of fear?

2. Look at her with God’s eyes. How do you see faith, hope, and love growing in her life? What can you encourage? How do you see fleshly and sinful inclinations and desires growing? What can you correct?

3. Affirm that cultural tropes don’t make a girl—God does! Seek to know and celebrate how God has uniquely made this girl. She is a gift to you and the church. Avoid the temptation to compare her to others or to a standard not found in Scripture.

4. Challenge her where she needs to grow. Confront pride or indifference that pushes against God’s design. Correct ungodly or selfish ways of presenting herself. Seek to unpack her motives if she’s seeking to isolate, accuse, or separate from the  “girl world” surrounding her—again, God cares about the heart, and so must we. Her motives may be to avoid gossip, competition, or vanity, or they may spring from fear, insecurity, or envy. With all gentleness, challenge worldly or ungodly presuppositions about how she thinks about being a young woman and growing into biblical womanhood. Listen to and study her to do this well.

Take heart, parent or youth leader! The God of the universe is invested in growing this girl into the woman he wants her to be. He also intends the local church to be a venue of discipleship for a girl to learn about biblical womanhood from many kinds of godly women; don’t do this alone. Remember that self-definition, though a pillar of our cultural moment, is a form of slavery (John 8:34). True freedom is found in embracing the unique ways in which God has created us male and female (John 8:36).

In discipling girls who don’t fit the mold, remember that the mold for believers is Jesus. There is beauty in the body of Christ-affirming women who may not fit culture’s mold but shine like lights in a crooked and depraved generation through Christlike character (Phil. 2:14–16).

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^[1] Jael: Perhaps she was athletic and strong, given the way she killed Sisera by driving a tent peg into his head while he slept (Judges 4:17–21)! Her name means “climber or mountain goat.” Abigail: The beautiful wife of foolish Nabal; she gave wise counsel to her husband and was then remarried to King David after Nabal’s death (1 Sam. 25). Lydia: Single, wealthy, a business owner, and known for hospitality (Acts 16:14–15). Priscilla: Teacher, discipler, leader, tentmaker, and co-laborer with her husband; she was not afraid to confront false doctrine (Rom. 16:3–4, Acts 18:3).

^[2] David Powlison, Seeing with New Eyes: Counseling and the Human Condition through the Lens of Scripture, (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian & Reformed, 2003), 132–140.

Click here to read Biblical Manhood for Boys Who Don’t Fit the Mold.