Rebuilding Intimacy: An Appeal to Husbands Who Have Been Unfaithful

Thank you, brother, for your willingness to hear from someone you don’t know about something so deeply personal as rebuilding intimacy with your wife. My desire is to represent many wives who have sought help through our ministry—all of whom have questions about sex after their husband’s sexual betrayal. Porn use, affairs, cross-dressing, gender transition—all these sexual issues in husbands have a profound effect on their wives and on their sexual intimacy as a couple.

Here are quotes from three different wives that communicate how profoundly a husband’s sexual sin can shape their experience of intimacy:

I wish my husband would have rejected the lie that his pornography addiction was not impacting our relationship and our sexual intimacy. I wish he would have understood that I felt like an object, I felt unloved and unseen. It seemed like he didn’t care or notice that I was wilting in every way into a shell of myself.

I felt even more objectified after discovery. It was communicated through body language and sexual wants that if he couldn’t have sex with me then I was punishing him, even if my reasons were legitimate. I felt more guilty if I said “no,” and also guilty if we had sex and then he went and looked at porn immediately.

I thought our sexual relationship was fine, but after the birth of our first child, [my husband] progressively brought degrading aspects to it… I was too afraid to say “no” because I thought, as a wife, I should be willing to fulfill all my husband’s sexual desires. I also thought that if I did certain things, he wouldn’t go back to porn.

Even in a healthy marriage, sex can be very difficult to talk about openly—how much more when there is injury from betrayal? Shame, fear and defensiveness can lead to heightened emotions and tremendous discouragement on both sides.

My hope is that you will be encouraged to move towards your wife with greater wisdom and Christlike love. More important than any advice you read about rebuilding intimacy and learning to treasure marital sex is that you continually abide in Christ—striving after him, forsaking all other gods, dying to self. Christ is the only one who can enable you to love your wife as he calls you to, and this love will flow out of your relationship with him and your worship of him.

Trust and Rebuilding Intimacy

Think back to your wedding day and the vows that you made to your wife—to love, comfort, honor, and protect her, and, forsaking all others, to be faithful to her as long as you both shall live.

When a spouse indulges in sexual sin, this vow is broken. It is a serious breakage. Often devastating. And its ripple effects are far reaching.

You cannot expect to restore sexual intimacy without first facing up to the significance of broken trust. Rebuilding intimacy is not as quick or easy as breaking trust; it needs to be built up consistently over time. Brother, if you know that your wife’s trust in you is in need of repair, take time to pray to the Lord for help, examine your heart, and invest time and thought into this topic.

Many wives respond to broken trust by checking up on their husbands, investigating their devices and search histories, watching their interactions, and trying to gain enough evidence to believe that their husbands are being faithful. This often happens when wives do not see their husbands taking ownership of their sin, recognizing its grievousness, or taking practical steps in keeping with repentance.

Brother, if you have broken your wife’s trust through sexual sin (and the many sins that accompany it), then you are the one who must take responsibility for rebuilding that trust. Live transparently and honestly before your wife and before the Lord. Take radical steps to protect yourself from temptation—demonstrating a willingness to endure significant inconvenience and personal sacrifice to do so. Seek godly accountability from someone your wife trusts and has access to. Demonstrate “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matt. 3:8): pray openly, meditate on God’s Word, attend public worship, and be in fellowship with other believers. Then share with your wife what you see the Lord doing in your life!

Even if your wife has expressed her desire to forgive you, she would be unwise to trust you until she sees evidence of Spirit-fueled change in your life—change that is consistent and that lasts.

If you feel you’ve tried everything, consider asking your wife what she wants to see in you to help her believe that you really do love and cherish her and are forsaking all others. Conversations like this will be difficult, but your marriage is worth the time, effort, and all the difficult emotions involved in rebuilding intimacy.

You and your wife might be helped by exploring the resources listed at the end, which provide biblical guidance and practical help on rebuilding intimacy after sexual betrayal.

The Beauty of Marital Sex

God designed sexual intimacy to reflect his covenant love for his people. Sex in marriage should remind each spouse of the Lord’s pursuit of his people, his delight in them, his union with them, and his intimate care for them. Throughout Scripture, we gain a deepening understanding of sex—as an expression of the one flesh union between a man and his wife, as a means of fulfilling God’s calling to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth,” as a celebration of the sexual attraction and delight shared between lovers, and as a gift intended to last a lifetime (see Gen. 1:28, Song of Solomon, and Prov. 5:15–19). As a culmination of all this, Ephesians 5:22–33 gives us an incredible insight into the fact that marriage is a profound mystery—because it points beyond itself to Christ’s relationship with his church! This means that marital sex doesn’t have to be the best sexual experience possible to be transcendent and worshipful.

Sexual intimacy within marriage is not a topic we often talk about in our churches, and so we are all at risk of being more influenced by cultural messages about sex than by the truth of our Creator’s intent. Sadly, most of the messages we absorb from our culture about sex are about as far away from God-honoring marital sex as you can get.

In his article A Pornographic Style of Relating, Dr. Andrew Bauman contrasts pornography with marital sex (although there are parallels here with many forms of sexual sin). Pornography is highly controlled—there is no one else to consider, no one else to satisfy, and you dictate the entire experience. It trains you to objectify others, seek quick gratification, and pursue your own desires. Its aftermath is often isolation, hiding, guilt, and shame.

Perhaps you’re thinking, I understand all this in theory, but porn has always been more satisfying than sex with my wife. Brother, the Lord lovingly warns you and invites you to trust him. If you follow him, he has far more for you than any temporary gratification you might get through sexual sin.

Chosen and Pursued

Perhaps most fundamentally, sex with your wife involves choosing her and being chosen by her—again and again. This wholehearted, persistent pursuit of your wife reflects God’s pursuit of his people. Romance, affection, conversation, shared experiences, and simply knowing your wife are essential components of this pursuit and will enrich your sexual intimacy.

If you’ve neglected this pursuit in the past, you might need to confess this to your wife and seek her forgiveness. If she’s willing, start by blocking out time in your calendars for each other. It might feel awkward to start “dating” again but knowing your wife and being known by her are essential for rebuilding intimacy.

One Flesh

The one-flesh union of marriage includes the vulnerability of being physically seen and known. Nakedness in marriage is intended to be free from shame, yet many wives experience shame after sexual betrayal—comparison, fear of rejection, and memories of your sin can make intimacy feel dangerously exposing rather than safe.

If your wife’s sense of shame is a consequence of your sin, acknowledge it and seek her forgiveness. Be prepared for the fact that rebuilding sexual intimacy might need to happen gradually, perhaps starting with non-sexual touch and moving at a speed that she is comfortable with and that she desires. It might take months (or even years) to reach a place where sex is shame-free and enjoyable for her.

As you make love, cherish your whole wife, not just her body. Notice how God has made every part of her, care for her physical comfort, and seek to bless her. Ask what helps her feel relaxed and loved.

Paul captures this heart posture in Ephesians 5:28–30, calling husbands to love, nourish, and cherish their wives in the same way that they care for their own bodies.

Mutual Enjoyment

Since marriage reflects Christ’s relationship with his church, then your focus during sex should shift from satisfying yourself to blessing your wife. This is one means of living out Christ’s call to “count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3–4).

However, one of God’s gracious designs is that serving your wife sexually is often deeply pleasurable for you as well. Many couples find that mutual delight grows as each spouse prioritizes the other’s enjoyment.

Especially after betrayal, mutual enjoyment requires open communication—learning what blesses one another is part of rebuilding intimacy and trust.

Familiarity

Satan wants us to believe lies about who God is and what his designs are for his people. One of these lies, peddled by Western culture, is that lifelong, monogamous sex is dull and restrictive by its very nature. And yet, in so many other areas of life, we can see that humans are wired to be drawn to what is familiar. Physical intimacy and skin-to-skin contact release powerful bonding hormones which strengthen feelings of attachment and wellbeing between two people. Many couples share how marital sex gets better with time as both become more familiar and comfortable with each other and grow in their understanding of what brings pleasure.

One repentant husband who struggled with pornography for many years shared that, after 40 years of marriage, sex with his wife had become the most meaningful it had ever been! Why? Because sex was with her, not with himself or images. His faithfulness to his wife and their deepening intimacy bore the fruit of more satisfying and meaningful sex.

Of course, familiarity should not mean monotony! Variety within marital sex can help you get to know one another in different ways, and experience sex differently. Rethink what you do together before sex that might help cultivate emotional intimacy; consider making changes to your home or bedroom (especially if they contribute to painful memories of your betrayal); be spontaneous, thoughtful and creative in ways that you both enjoy. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, and don’t ask your wife to do so—that only reinforces the lie that who you are is not going to be enough.

Faithfulness to God

When rebuilding intimacy feels slow and sex is a struggle in your marriage, remember that sex is a good gift, but the Giver of this gift is even better. Pray that the Lord would give you eyes for him first and faith to believe that he is able to teach you how to love your wife with his steadfast and faithful love.

Resources for Rebuilding Intimacy

Articles

• Rebuilding Trust After Sexual Betrayal
• How Do I Lead My Family?
• Check Ins: Sowing Seeds of Trust
• Technology Protection Plan
• A Couple’s Journey to Intimacy After Sexual Betrayal
• Rebuilding Sexual Intimacy After Sexual Betrayal
• God Gives the Best Sex

Books

• God, You and Sex: A Profound Mystery
• Redeeming Sex in Marriage: How the Gospel Rescues Sex, Transforms Marriage, and Reveals the Glory of God