How to Rebuild Trust After Sexual Betrayal   

According to the most recent Barna report on pornography use, over half of “practicing Christians” use pornography to some degree, with 22% of those responding stating they use it weekly.^[1] Given that this statistic does not account for other types of sexual betrayal such as infidelity, as well as the painful reality of porn use before marriage for many couples, I think it’s fair to estimate that sexual betrayal impacts more than half of Christian marriages. How to rebuild trust after sexual betrayal, then, becomes a vital question for Christian wives and husbands.

Walking in the light is an essential commitment for any couple seeking to restore their marriage after sexual betrayal. How can both spouses move forward in the light of Christ after trust has been shattered?

To The Spouse Struggling with Sexual Sin

If you’re a husband or wife who has been unfaithful, walking in the light starts with you, and it starts with rightly seeing Christ’s work on your behalf.

The key text on walking in the light is found in Ephesians 5:5–10:

For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

For the one wrestling with sexual sin in the marriage, if you are in Christ, this passage has instruction and hope for you.

First, it roots walking in the light in your new regenerated state. Verse 8 says “you were darkness” and now you “are light in the Lord.” The command to walk in the light is because of your adoption in Christ. You are now a “child of the light” (v. 8).

If you are in Christ, you are a child of the light. The command is to simply walk in that—to be who you are in Christ! We walk in the light because we are children of the light.

This means that if you’re the one who has brought sexual sin into your marriage, you are responsible for setting the tone of walking in the light. This is your role; engage it, take responsibility for it, plan it. (There are suggestions for daily practices to help you walk in the light, below, and you can contact Harvest USA for direct discipleship opportunities.)

It is not the offended spouse’s role to make you walk in the light. Scripture clearly commands it. Look to Jesus, and by the power of his Spirit, engage his command with zeal!

To the Betrayed Spouse

Are you a husband or wife on the receiving end of sexual betrayal? Has your heart been shattered by lies and broken vows? Dear one, walking in the light begins with naming your pain to the Lord and others, and entrusting outcomes to Jesus. Your path is to receive care from the Lord Jesus for the ways you’ve been impacted by your spouse’s sin, even as you also walk forward in the light.

You matter deeply to God! He is not asking you to deny or be ruled by your pain; he is welcoming you into some faith-filled next steps.

1. Invest in your relationship with Jesus.

This season of unwanted suffering is a call to prioritize investing in your love relationship with Jesus for the long haul. This is the only thing in this life that can truly never be taken away from you.

A healthy marriage and a repentant spouse who walks in the light are not guaranteed, and, at the end of the day, you will never regret the time you spent knowing, enjoying, and receiving Jesus’s care. The sobering truth is that you’re in a situation where many things are indeed outside of your control. But, in all this, one thing remains: the steadfast love of the Lord.

2. Seek counsel from trustworthy people—especially in your church.

You need care, support, and guidance in this painful journey. There are many things to attend to, but it’s crucial that you find someone who will know you in this situation, to pray and check in on you. The church is God’s intended venue for you to receive a wise multitude of counsel, care, and support. It is not the only place for those things, but it’s wise to make it a goal to have your church family involved on some level.

I do know that not all churches are a safe place for this kind of disclosure, and some are not equipped to care well. This is why you’ll need wisdom in the if, how, and when of sharing with your church family. You can trust that God is for you as you consider sharing your pain with someone in your church.

How to Rebuild Trust After Sexual Betrayal: Three Practical Tools

The more specific we get in a practical application, the more specific wisdom and counsel you will need. Below are three wise practices—but doing them doesn’t automatically mean you’re walking in the light in your marriage. If the heart is not committed to radical transparency, these practical suggestions will be like checking a box.

1. The 24-Hour Rule

The 24-hour rule is a commitment to your spouse that you will confess to them any breaches in agreed behaviors or fantasies within 24 hours. This means that you are not waiting until you are asked. You are taking the initiative to pursue walking in the light, and you’re committing to do so within 24 hours of the offense. For more details on this practice, I commend this article that unpacks the 24-hour rule in detail.

2. A Full Disclosure

A full disclosure is when a spouse writes out, with thoughtfulness and prayer, the nature and history of their sexual sin. It includes enough detail, so your spouse knows you in your specific struggle, but avoids descriptions of sensations or graphic visual details. This disclosure should include your lifetime history of struggles and behaviors involving sexual sin—from before marriage, not just during your marriage. It should also include any accessory sins and deceit you pursued to engage in sexual sin. It expresses to your spouse any sorrow or regret that you feel over the impact of your sin on them, your family, and against the Lord.

A full disclosure is not something to do impulsively to “get things off your chest.” To rebuild trust after sexual betrayal, your disclosure should be planned, written out, and facilitated by a trusted pastor, counselor, or therapist. Appendix D of our free curriculum for wives called Jesus & Your Unwanted Journey unpacks this practice in more detail.

3. An Impact Letter

An impact letter is a way to respond to the full disclosure, usually through a written statement that describes your experience regarding how your spouse’s sexual sin has affected you emotionally, relationally, spiritually, physically, sexually, and in any other way you’d like to articulate. This typically takes place weeks or even months after the full disclosure, when the impact can be better understood. In learning how to rebuild trust after sexual betrayal, you and your spouse both need to be willing to participate in honest communication about the sin and its effects.

We don’t see impact letters in the Bible, but I do believe we have a biblical basis for it.

In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul refers to a letter he sent to the Corinthians and demonstrates a humble desire to use both the truth, and even the pain of the letter to produce in the Corinthians a godly repentance that leads to life!

Goals of an Impact Letter

• You are honoring God and your marriage vows by describing the painful impact of sin. This may seem contrary to unity in marriage, but when we let someone know how their sin has wounded us, we honor them as an image bearer by testifying that their actions have consequences.

• For you to present an opportunity for godly sorrow to your spouse, based on the reality of how your spouse’s choices have impacted you. Just like you, their only hope is Jesus! Godly sorrow draws us to the Savior who redeems and comforts us in our sin.

• For you to be known (by your spouse and trusted others) in your pain and in the specific impacts of their sin. This is for the sake of the oneness of life that is meant to characterize a godly marriage (Eph. 5:31–33).

What an Impact Letter is NOT

An impact letter is one tool leading to openness and restoration in a marriage of believers who are learning how to rebuild trust after sexual betrayal. It should be honest, and that will involve pain, but it isn’t an opportunity to “get back” at your spouse. It is not:

• A chance for you to punish or enact vengeance on your spouse so they will feel the pain just as much as you do.
• A way to “make them” repent and have empathy towards you.
• A way to “settle the score” so they know how much they owe you.
• A way to undo the pain that has been caused by their sin.

Walking in Light to Rebuild Trust After Sexual Betrayal

A husband and wife learning how to rebuild trust after sexual betrayal need a commitment to radical transparency. They both need to be known in their suffering and their sin by trusted brothers and sisters in Christ. And they need to invest deeply in their individual love relationships with Christ.

Knowing that you are loved as a child of the light is what helps both spouses rebuild trust—keep looking to Jesus and resting in his finished work as you walk forward together in his grace and strength.

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^[1] https://www.barna.com/trends/over-half-of-practicing-christians-admit-they-use-pornography/