How Do I Lead My Family Despite the Hypocrisy of Sexual Sin?

A sense of hypocrisy is a major experience for Christian husbands and fathers who struggle with sexual sin. Hypocrisy is “feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not: behavior that contradicts what one claims to believe or feel.”

We all know what it is for our consciences to bear the conviction of hypocrisy—how it makes us feel about ourselves. We fear being found out; we think that if our families knew, they would never be able to respect us the same way again. We’re disgusted by our depravity, wondering if what we’ve done forever taints our identity as husbands and fathers. We feel trapped in the lies, seemingly unable to do anything good enough, for long enough, to be able to undo the web of hypocrisy we’ve spun.

How Hypocrisy Impacts a Man and His Family

We must acknowledge a difficult truth: all this internalized confusion produced by hypocrisy in the heart of a sinning man will also likely be a raging turmoil in the hearts of his family—those he has sinned against. King David explains how there is a pious inclination to honor those who fear the Lord and despise those who are vile (Ps.15). It’s understandable for a man’s hypocrisy to stir up tension within the hearts of his family and undermine his leadership in the home.

How can a husband repeat Scripture as he engages with his wife, when yesterday he confessed yet again to another fall into unbiblical sexual sin? How can a father direct his children toward disciplined behavior, when just last night he abandoned any such effort toward disciplined purity in himself? This is challenging for family men in the throes of fighting sexual sin. They wonder, “How do I lead my family in the Lord (Eph. 5, 6) when the ups and downs of this fight show me to be more like the vile sinner and less like an honorable leader?”

While I can’t offer solutions for every complex situation that hypocrisy may produce, I want to lay out a framework of principles for men to devote themselves to as they labor, by the Spirit, to confront their hypocrisy. I challenge you, husbands and fathers, to consider five principles regarding the Christian life that are vital in the process of turning away from hypocrisy, and I’ll draw each principle from the book of 1 Peter. Though 1 Peter isn’t only about hypocrisy, it provides foundational truths about the gospel that speak to our hearts as we deal with this issue.

1 Peter 1: Called to Be Holy

Addressing hypocrisy, restoring trust within your family, and cultivating a righteous character—these are all processes which require supernatural endurance. You will have to navigate through life-altering consequences born out of sin. The Apostle Peter gives two main ingredients for this endurance: a continuing acknowledgement that God—Father, Son, and Spirit—are at work in your life (vv. 1–12), and a continuing recognition that your identity is holy—set apart—according to the gospel of Jesus Christ (vv. 13–25).

The Apostle directs our faith and hope to God alone. As sure as God is all-powerful, as sure as Christ is risen, as sure as the Holy Spirit dwells within you—because these are all unbreakable truths that define your relationship with God, in every moment of your life you have access to a transformative reservoir of grace and peace. This is the only true nourishment for your heart by which you may be purified to endure in loving your family well, come what may! 

Reflection Questions:

How often do you pray, acknowledging that your everyday existence is in the context of being in relationship with God? Do you recognize, with gratitude, God as your abundant Provider? Do you acknowledge, with sincere hope and trust, that everything you need for life and godliness—including for your role of husband and father—is always available to you through God’s all-sufficient provision?

1 Peter 2: Dependent and Relational

In chapter two, Peter reaffirms that hypocrisy is put away through child-like dependency upon our good God who nourishes us (vv. 1–3). He explains why God nourishes us: it’s so that, instead of embracing hypocrisy, we might be built up and matured into our true identity as God’s priests (v. 9). We are to reflect God to others through sacrifice. We are to lay down our selfish desires and love others in such a way that our love, imitating Christ’s love, brings them closer to God (vv. 12–25).

Hypocrisy says I must hide from others so I can live for my pleasure. But the identity of a priest says my life is inescapably relational. You cannot hide from God. And though you may be able to hide from people, your hidden sins will bleed through into how you engage with them. The sexual sin you cultivate in hiding will work itself out into sinful behavior, including toward your wife and children. They might not see your sexual sin, but they will experience the ripple effects of it. Why? Because you were designed to live a life of relational impact (v. 17).     

Reflection Questions:

In what scenarios does your design and calling to love God and love others feel insufficient for abundant life? In those moments, what are the lies attempting to offer an alternative purpose—one that actually only leads to destruction? How can you be prepared in those situations to reject the lies and lay hold of the superior calling God has fully prepared for you, including as a husband and father? 

1 Peter 3: Christ Is Faithful

In this chapter, the Apostle Peter establishes how husbands are to move toward their wives and, by inference, how they are to move toward their children (see Eph. 6) with understanding and honor, through dependency upon God (vv. 7–9). The text declares that your family is not yours in the ultimate sense. Your wife, being an heir “with you of the grace of life,” is God’s child and belongs to him. Your family is the Lord’s, and so honorable stewardship is not optional or subjective but should be unwavering and biblical.

No matter the challenges one faces in the pursuit of righteousness, Peter gives a clear hope for endurance: God promises to watch over and sustain you just as he sustained Christ (vv. 8–17). God instituted baptism to express this very truth, that God will see us through sin and into righteousness through Christ (vv. 18–20). He will be faithful to provide what you need in order to be what he has called you to be as a husband and father (Matt. 19; Phil. 1). So persistently pray, seeking God-given provision for lasting faithfulness.

Reflection Questions:

When are you tempted to abandon honoring your family? When the consequences of your sins seem unfair, are you tempted to give in and simply compound evil with more evil? How could you instead live out the gospel, imitating Christ by responding to evil with good?[1] 

1 Peter 4: Suffering as a Christian

Here the Apostle Peter addresses the common-to-man reality of suffering in a fallen world (vv. 1, 2, 12–19). But he draws out a critical distinction: we can either suffer as evil-doers or as Christians (vv. 15, 16). Evil-doers look to sin for vitality and comfort, but that only compounds their sufferings in a way that leads to death. Christians, on the other hand, can suffer in the power of the Spirit. In Christ, we find comfort in suffering through being close to our Savior who invites us to share with him in his path of suffering that leads to eternal glory (v. 13). When we suffer with Christ, his Spirit gives us renewed life. We are enabled to do good, pursue loving reconciliation, and have supernatural self-control and wisdom.

Reflection Questions:

According to this chapter, what needs to be your joy, hope, and source of wisdom as you strive to endure in doing good, particularly amid the familial brokenness caused by the hypocrisy of sexual sins? When temptation comes to offer you comfort, ask yourself which is better: to suffer relying on sin, or to suffer relying upon the Spirit?

1 Peter 5: Rely on the Local Church

This final chapter clarifies that cultivating God-honoring leadership in the home hinges on humble submission to and willingness to learn from the example of God-honoring leaders in the local church (v. 5). Pride says I must white-knuckle it against my sin, alone. Humility says I need God and his people to bear with me and my family what we cannot bear alone. The local church is designed by God to be the place where his people can come together in solidarity to bring their anxieties to God, receive provisions of grace, resist sin, and find an exalting victory in Christ.  

Reflection Questions:

Where is pride and selfishness keeping you from consistent accountability to your local church? Who in the local church is an example to you; who is correcting you; who are you reaching out to when you need help resisting temptation? Who is an advocate for your wife and children? Is the accountability you’re receiving focused on your care alone, or is it framed in such a way that your entire family is experiencing care? What practical steps could you take this week to improve a dynamic of whole family care from your local church?

Union With Christ: Your Only Foundation for New Life

We are all fallen, and so we are all hypocrites to one degree or another. Christians know what it is to wrestle between living by the flesh and living by the Spirit (Gal. 5). And yet that’s why the hope of the gospel is so glorious: where our own pursuit of virtue is inconsistent, Christ’s work of salvation and transformation in us endures. You cannot work your way out of hypocrisy on your own. Believers are counted righteous, once and for all, based on Jesus’s righteousness alone. And only through Jesus working in and through the hypocritical man can he grow in consistent virtue. Hypocritical fathers and husbands who are repenting and trusting in the power of Jesus, this is the hope Peter relays to you: “You yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ” (1 Pet. 2:15).