Rebuilding Sexual Intimacy After Sexual Betrayal
Pornography has destroyed countless marriages. Sexual sin of all kinds inflicts deep pain and damage. But in order to repair and restore the marriage, if possible, Ellen talks about four key things every couple needs to do.
Read Ellen’s blog post on these key steps. And click here to read the full version of our latest harvestusa magazine.
Engage with him again sexually? Initiate with her again sexually? Are you kidding me?
You know, in the fallout after sexual unfaithfulness, husbands and wives can often feel this way. Fear and broken trust easily cloud a person’s heart and mind in understanding what sexual intimacy is supposed to look like when the marriage relationship takes such a traumatic hit as the intrusion of sexual sin. Let me offer you three thoughts to guide you in this process.
First, it’s key for a husband and wife to both turn to Christ. This means, rather than focusing first on how to share yourself sexually with your spouse, you need to intentionally seek Christ’s love and wisdom regarding this area of marriage. Sex is meant to be a gift for both spouses, but it was never intended to be the most important part of the marriage relationship. So contrary to what the magazines say at the grocery checkout, the most crucial step to have a restored sexual relationship is not learning new techniques, but a new way of thinking, a new way of desiring. So turn to Christ. This means seeking the Lord’s help to have your desires and thinking in sync with what the Bible teaches about sex and what it means to love your spouse sexually. Your starting point might be to learn more deeply about what God’s design for marriage is in the first place.
Secondly, turn towards your spouse, not with the primary goal of having sex, but with a focus on loving her, or him, through knowing and seeking to bless and serve. Yes, this is a part of the foundation of a godly sexual relationship: to love and serve your spouse selflessly. You know, many couples never talk about their sexual relationship due to fear, insecurity, or just not even knowing how to communicate about a topic that feels so vulnerable. But one of the ways that God will use the pain of sexual betrayal for good is this opportunity for the two of you to restart your sexual intimacy as an expression of emotional, relational, and spiritual intimacy. So turn towards your spouse. Be willing to talk and pray about how to relate to each other in sexual ways that communicate things like love, honor, respect, and yes, ways that are pleasurable for both of you.
Finally, turn towards a long view of transformation. God is absolutely able to grow your sexual relationship into something beautiful and delightful, with both of you being known and loved. But it’s going to take time, and you’re going to need patience and a willingness to do the hard work of cultivating your emotional and spiritual intimacy first. Jesus is with you, and he is unashamed in his desire to help you heal and grow over time in this aspect of your marriage.
