same-sex marriage
August 1, 2024

Walking in Repentance after Same-Sex Marriage

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Thomas and Matt met at work, and two years later commemorated their commitment with a wedding. They had a son through surrogacy (Matt was the biological father), and lovingly co-parented. Then, a spiritual earthquake. The Holy Spirit interrupted Matt’s years of denying what he knew in his heart: this same-sex marriage wasn’t okay with God. He awakened afresh to childhood faith about God’s love and holiness and painfully realized that this relationship was outside of God’s design; it was sinful. Thomas raged and cried when Matt shared his invigorated faith and the need to radically change their relationship.

Chris and Anne connected deeply while serving in ministry together. After Anne’s divorce, the two became lovers. For twenty years, they shared all of life: a home, finances, and active involvement in the local LGBTQ community—their family since their own had rejected them. However, throughout the years, Chris knew her decisions weren’t right in God’s sight. Like Matt, she shoved those angsty thoughts down. Then, one morning, “The Spirit jolted me: ‘It’s time to get out!’” And get out, she did. Detaching from her former life led her down a two-year long path of repentance. 

Chris and Matt represent brothers and sisters in Christ who legally wed a same-sex partner and may have brought children into their home yet have come to realize that same-sex marriage is outside of God’s will for relationships, family, and sexuality.

What does repentance look like? What about kids? How does the church love, counsel, and practically support brothers and sisters walking this costly path of obedience?

Repentance after Same-Sex Marriage: Three Steps of Faith

If this is your situation, the road before you has some black and white decisions of obedience. There are also gray areas for which you’ll need wisdom, courage, and support from trustworthy followers of Jesus. Let’s start with what is clear.

1. Seek Jesus; he will faithfully carry you forward.

God sees you and is rejoicing over your desire to freshly surrender to his will. He knows everything about your story, the pain you may have experienced from mean-spirited family and friends, church leaders who shunned you, and maybe your partner’s outright rejection when you told him or her about your heart’s change. 

Cry out to God to comfort and guide you for the road ahead (Ps. 32:7–9), which will most likely be painful. Jesus, your sympathetic Savior (Heb. 4:14–16), understands the cost of laying down our will for God’s glory. Resolve that loyalty to Christ is non-negotiable and trust him to cause your obedience to ripple out in redemptive waves of mercy towards all—including your partner and any children you brought into your relationship.

Pursuing a legal divorce may take time, and your partner may resist. He or she may insist that “your God hates divorce!” Obedience means bringing your relationship under God’s loving lordship, and this requires turning from what he does not define as marriage.

What about your kids and custody? Fused finances and shared home ownership? How do you navigate the complex legalities attached to the dissolution of your same-sex marriage? These are important issues, but your first step is to end what God does not bless, and to pursue obedience (Col. 3:1–17).

3. Pursue Christian community.

You may think, ‘What?! Churches aren’t ready for someone like me. The last thing I need is a group of happy church people who will awkwardly smile, praise my bravery, offer to pray . . . and then back away.’

Brother, sister: It’s true that Christians generally have much to learn about supporting and loving people on this repentance road. But don’t give up! The pastor of a church Matt contacted in the first days of his repentance said, “Come to church. I’ll connect you with people, and we’ll take care of you!” That pastor acknowledged that he didn’t have all the answers but was willing to enter in with the truth and mercy of Christ. That’s the kind of church you’re looking for (1 Thess. 2:6–12).

There are pastors, churches, counselors, and ministries who want to journey with you.[1] They’re willing to provide not only practical needs, like childcare and maybe housing, but also guidance for your specific situation of repentance after same-sex marriage—including separating finances, navigating custody decisions, and, of course, nurturing  your precious children. 

Our Father in heaven created a family of spiritual siblings, the household of faith. You are a vital, loved member of this family and will need friends and mentors (spiritual mothers and fathers) to comfort, encourage, and teach you not only in these first steps but in your lifelong walk with Christ. We all need this. Be assured that your heart matters deeply to God.

Wisdom for Tough Decisions: Custody and Shared Parenting

Do you continue to raise your children together? How will you navigate custody? Do you remain in the same house as roommates committed to loving your children? These are tough questions. I can’t answer them fully here, but consider a few principles to guide you:

Seek the wisdom of trustworthy believers, including legal counsel. Don’t walk alone through crucial decisions which will profoundly impact not only your life, but your kids’ lives. Thomas was extremely antagonistic to Matt. In Matt’s words, they are currently in a “horrendous” custody battle. Chris and Anne, on the other hand, had an amicable break-up. Both situations required wise, boots-on-the-ground comforters and helpers (2 Cor. 1:3–6).

God will guide you to co-parent your kids in a Christ-honoring way. Our Father in heaven has faithfully provided for untold numbers of children who’ve grown up in homes without both a loving mother and father. We can trust him to continue to shepherd his people in new situations[2] resulting from beautiful repentance from all manner of ungodly relationships!

Most likely, you’ll need to establish a new way of relating to one another and loving your kids—without living with your ex-partner. Scripture provides many principles about fleeing temptation (1 Cor. 6:17–19), avoiding what may be interpreted as evil (1 Thess. 5:22–23), and so on. Your commitment to costly obedience is a testimony to your children of what following Jesus entails. While there might not be a specific verse which prohibits you from remaining in the same house, biblical wisdom and realism weigh heavily in the direction of not living together. 

Understandably, such costly measures could have very painful implications for your children, but this is a powerful example of entrusting everything you hold dear into the hands of your loving heavenly Father. He is the protector and provider for your children, and he will never call you to something that is ultimately not good for them—even if it doesn’t look that way in the short term. 

This is where the church needs to step in and be the family of God not only for you, but your children as well. Yes, your kids are losing a measure of seeming stability by one parent moving out, but they stand to gain so much more. Remember that in Christ you are not walking alone (Matt. 28:20).

Body of Christ: Are You Ready to Proactively Love the Hurting? 

In the years to come, there will be many spiritual siblings needing our care, counsel, financial support, and companionship as they resolve to follow Christ out of same-sex partnerships. Oh, that Christians would be known for loving, purposeful, practical gospel application in these scenarios! Please pray for Harvest USA as we begin to develop comprehensive equipping video courses for church leaders. May the glory of Christ and the tender love of God be widely known and experienced through the Spirit-empowered ministry of his church.


[1] Harvest USA has relationships with churches all over the United States who support our mission and are eager to engage people with the mercy and truth of gospel. Contact us to find out more.

[2] This is a wonderfully wise and pastoral article by John Piper concerning this topic.

More resources you might like:

Ellen Mary Dykas

Director of Equipping for Ministry to Women

Ellen joined Harvest USA in 2007 as our first full-time women’s ministry staff. Ellen received her MA from Covenant Theological Seminary and a graduate certificate in biblical counseling from Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF).

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