Parents of LGBTQ+-Identified Kids: How to Walk with Your Child

When a 14-year-old daughter adopts a non-binary identity or a 22-year-old son comes out as gay and invites you to his wedding, most parents will say they never envisioned journeying with an LGBTQ+-identified child in their family.

Though more Christian families than ever are struggling through scenarios like these, many don’t have the resources to deal with it; they feel hidden within our churches. I’ve found that most parents don’t talk to their pastors or others, instead trying to handle it on their own. And, unfortunately, not many churches are skilled at offering “permission-giving messages” from up front to inform struggling parents that church leadership cares about their situation and wants to hear from them.  

You Didn’t Sign Up for This

What keeps parents of LGBTQ+-identified kids hidden and silent? It may be that absent voice of help and care from the church. But it can also be a host of other things. Parents struggle with fear (what does this mean for our family?), shame (what did we do wrong?), embarrassment (what if someone finds out?), grief (our dreams for our child are over), anger (how could our child do this to our family?), and pride (what would people think about us as parents if they knew?).

How can we deal with these human—but sometimes crippling—realities that keep us from getting help?

Six Supports for Parents Journeying with LGBTQ+-Identified Kids

1. Tools for the journey.

Parents have shared with me that journeying with LGBTQ+-identified kids is like being in a desert with few roadmaps telling them what to do and where to go. The challenges, heartaches, and dilemmas they face seem overwhelming and endless. 

While it’s true that a parent can’t possibly know how to respond to every challenge, it’s possible to have some tools under your belt to face these situations with your child and respond redemptively. 

The free Harvest USA curriculum, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity, is a great place to start. You must be grounded in the Bible to know how to respond and care for your child. Even though you may differ with your child about Scripture and its authority regarding sexuality and gender, God’s Word will be an oasis and a guide for you in this desert.

2. The companionship of others who ‘get it.’

Many parents, especially early on, don’t want to bring anyone else into their situation. But when you do, it’s a freeing and comforting step. Once hurting parents start attending a parents’ support group, their initial, “I don’t think we need that,” often turns into, “When is that group meeting again?” Other parents who understand and have been walking this road (often for a long while) can share biblical and practical tools.

3. The wisdom of Christ and others.

Parents may attempt to strategize about solutions and action plans based on their limited personal wisdom. If you feel you’re not ready for a small group of other parents, at least consider speaking to a trustworthy church leader who can pray for and with you and offer an outside voice of wisdom. If this is not available, consider speaking to a counselor who is (and this is essential) committed to the authority of Scripture.

You need the wisdom of Christ for your ongoing situation. The Gospels, especially, can be a guide and encouragement. Jesus routinely stepped into difficult and messy situations with people. He was often misunderstood, and his motives were questioned. He was continuously challenged by those around him yet mirrored the Father’s truth and love to the hurting and wounded.  

4. A place to pray openly and honestly.

I can’t emphasize this enough. Sadly, few parents feel ‘safe’ praying openly in church contexts such as home groups or Sunday school classes.

Finding a few trusted friends or a church leader to regularly confide in and pray with about their LGBTQ+-identified kids can help lift the burdens from parents’ hearts! Again, a specific group of parents dealing with the same struggles can provide a great context for this. There’s something freeing and helpful about naming your child, your challenges, your fears, and your struggles with other parents (and praying for their children) that brings spiritual refreshment and healing. It helps keep you from feeling so alone and isolated.

5. Holy Spirit-directed insight for the long haul.

You need the Holy Spirit’s continued guidance as you journey with your LGBTQ+-identified child, your spouse, and your immediate and extended family. This may look different for different parents. The truth is, God has put or allowed something on your plate (both your ongoing challenges and your suffering) that he yearns to enter into with you for your good. Isn’t that true with all our trials and sufferings? While we would not voluntarily choose them, the Holy Spirit guides, comforts, and meets us in despair and hopelessness. He causes us to identify more with the sufferings of Christ and live in the light of the cross. And the Holy Spirit often meets us so that we can be an encouragement to others.

6. Ongoing care for your heart.

Walking this road of biblical integrity is not for the faint-hearted! Not only do you need supernatural resources, but you need to caretake your heart—feeding on God’s Word and relying on all the means of grace he provides in his Word, fellowship, the sacraments, and prayer.

Just before a plane takes off, the flight attendant walks down the aisle giving instructions. An important one goes something like this: In case of a sudden cabin depressurization, when the mask drops, put it on yourself first—then you can attend to your child. The same is true with you as a parent. Take all the measures you can to attend to and care for your own heart, so that you can offer loving, concise, and redemptive responses to your child that point him or her to Christ.

Don’t Go It Alone!

If you’ve kept reading so far, I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. Fight the impulse to stay locked inside your secret self, committed to isolation, and trying to solve it all on your own. It’s too big—and you’re too small and finite. Call on and partake of all the resources God and his church, the body of Christ, have provided for you. Take a deep breath and say “Jesus, you know. Help.” Then get the much needed help you need.

We’d love to help. Contact Harvest USA to speak with one of our parents and family ministry staff.