Same-Sex Attraction and a Beautiful Marriage

Is it possible for someone who isn’t attracted to the opposite sex to have a truly fulfilling, beautiful, biblical marriage? If we’re honest, when we think of our brothers and sisters who battle against exclusive same-sex attraction, we often assume that marriage simply isn’t an option for them. We think they should probably just accept that God wants them to remain celibate. After all, “How can you marry someone you’re not attracted to?”

But this reveals a very shallow understanding of attraction, marriage, and God’s work in the lives of his children.

The Nature of Human Attraction

Human attraction is not an easy concept to pin down. There are many ways in which we are attracted to others.

We are attracted to people who share similar interests, display virtues that we value, are both externally and internally beautiful, and to people who make us feel good through their interactions with us.

Our own dispositions and experiences shape who we’re attracted to. Some people are attracted to confident, charismatic leaders, while others are drawn to more reserved, pensive personalities. Godly men and women are drawn to those who display the fruit of the Spirit and a humble posture towards God and others.

Our gender also shapes our attractions. God generally created men with a greater emphasis on visual attraction and women with a greater emphasis on emotional and interpersonal attraction.

Even our sin and suffering shape our attractions. We are attracted to people who have qualities that we feel we lack, and we look to them for a sense of security, belonging, and acceptance. We may be attracted to people who give us the attention we long for and perhaps lacked in our formative years.

Attraction is not a simplistic, binary, static experience. It’s dynamic, multi-faceted, and dependent on a variety of factors. It would be a gross distortion to say that our attractions are inborn, fully-formed, and fixed from womb to tomb. This doesn’t mean that biology has no bearing on our attractions, but it is not the total explanation for our experience.

In any healthy marriage, attractions will necessarily change as husband and wife grow together in maturity and age.

With all that said, we can acknowledge that by the time we reach adulthood, many of our attractions seem to solidify. A combination of biological factors and formative childhood experiences tend to move our attractions in certain directions, and, as we age, those attractions decrease in malleability.

But we are never static. We are always changing. Each season of life brings new opportunities, challenges, and experiences that continue to shape us. What was once soft putty as a child has become harder to mold as an adult, but that doesn’t mean adults can’t dramatically change in their dispositions, attractions, preferences, and values. In fact, in any healthy marriage, attractions will necessarily change as husband and wife grow together in maturity and age.

Attraction and Marriage

“It was love at first sight.” While it is sweet hearing a seasoned husband recount being love-struck the first time he saw his wife, that’s not only a less than common experience, but it’s also not what sustains a loving, passionate marriage for the long haul. The stomach butterflies of romantic attraction usually indicate a love that has yet to mature.

This is not to say that attraction has no place in evaluating whether you want to commit yourself to another person for the rest of your life. Clearly something about them must draw you in. But if the typical physical or romantic attractions are initially weak, all hope is not lost.

For many marriages, it’s more common for attraction to grow slowly over time. Rather than falling head over heels, a process of evaluating the relationship, seeking God’s leading in prayer, and slowly opening oneself to the possibility of pursuing marriage typically strengthens and confirms a growing attraction.

This article is not meant to argue that God wants everyone to get married. Many of our brothers and sisters will live beautiful lives of singleness that honor the Lord and are marked by sacrificial service. But I am seeking to push back against a false premise that assumes that brothers and sisters who struggle against same-sex attraction can’t have wonderful marriages.

Marriage as a Calling

Pastor and scholar Sam Andreades wrote his doctoral thesis on men who experienced same-sex attraction, were previously in sexual relationships with other men, and now have repented and are married to women.[1] He adapted his research into an article he wrote for World Magazine in 2013 entitled, “What ex-gay men can teach us about marriage.”[2]

In his research, these men reported that emotional and relational intimacy were the foundation for their marriages. And this lines up with the prevailing evidence for all marriages—emotional intimacy, not physical, is the “prime determiner of a happy marriage.”[3]

Sam found that, while same-sex attraction did present obstacles to sexual intimacy, those “seemingly insurmountable obstacles were overcome through emotional intimacy.”[4] One man reported that “the tenderness, the patience of my wife toward me awakened our exploring one another.”[5]

Sam goes on to talk about how that emotional depth is only possible because of the complementarity of their gender differences. Sam counted 28 distinct reasons why these men were able to connect so deeply with their wives because of their gender differences. Sam writes, “Richness comes from differentness . . . Bringing distinct gifts to the relationship fosters unity; relying on each other’s varied responsibilities builds trust; his not doing what she does— or not being able to—creates greater healthy dependence; her gendered acts of service, distinct from his, support him; and his identity is secured by how he complements her.”[6]

One man explained the benefit of his wife’s differences this way: “It’s impossible for two men to be challenged to the depth that opposite-sex relationships are going to challenge us. . . . I can actually become more than I ever thought I would be . . . to be more than I’ve ever been before, in relationship to her, to meet her needs.”[7]

I am seeking to push back against a false premise that assumes that brothers and sisters who struggle against same-sex attraction can’t have wonderful marriages.

A dear friend who still battles same-sex temptations but is happily married to his wife summarized this perspective so well when he said, “I used to only think about marriage regarding what I can ‘get’ out of it. But then someone challenged me to consider how I could be a ‘gift’ to my wife one day.” This is a fundamental posture shift from taking to giving, from lust to love.

Our culture says marriage is all about satisfying my desires and my needs. But God is primarily concerned with what marriage says about himself and how he is redeeming his bride, the church, for his eternal glory. Marriage is about changing me; it’s one way in which God is making his people more into the men and women he intends them to be—those who know that it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Marriages that are not primarily built on sexual attraction, in one sense, are on the fast track to understanding what truly builds a great marriage. They’re also uniquely equipped to acknowledge the hard work that is required in achieving truly fulfilling sexual intimacy. The butterflies of love at first sight say nothing about the quality of a relationship. But the potential butterflies that emerge 20 years later—that is something to celebrate and work towards!

Losing Your Life in Marriage

Viewing marriage as an opportunity to give is only sustainable if you’ve already taken up Jesus’s call to lose your life in order to save it (Mark 8:35) and discovered that you’ve already received everything you need in Christ. If you’re still trying to hold on to your life, then you will be tempted to treat your spouse as your functional savior. And when they can’t fulfill this role, you will be driven to despair and resentment.

But every Christian can take great hope because you already lost your life when you were united to Christ by faith. Jesus is calling you to live in accordance with the reality that you’ve already died with him. When you were saved, the “old man” that was bent on living for self was crucified with Christ (Rom. 6:6), and when Jesus was resurrected, you were raised with him to walk in newness of life (Rom. 6:4)! In that glorious union with Jesus, he has freely given us everything he requires of us.

Living for self seems liberating, but it’s an incredible burden: it’s up to you to make your life meaningful and successful. Jesus wants to free you from that yoke; he calls you to entrust everything to him. Your future, your hopes and dreams, your very life is never more secure than when it is surrendered to our gracious King. “He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised” (2 Cor. 5:15).

Free men and women, who have lost their lives in Christ, are wonderfully situated to become loving husbands and wives because they are fundamentally not looking to their spouse to be who only Jesus can be. They are freed to “bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). This is liberty. This is attainable for all in Christ, and this is the type of marriage that Jesus calls all his married children to pursue.

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[1] Sam Andreades, Affirming Gender, “A Qualitative Study on Intergendered Intimacy” https://affirminggender.com/does-she-matterdissertation/, accessed July 15, 2025.

[2] Sam Andreades, WORLD, “What ex-gay men can teach us about marriage,” June 29, 2013, https://wng. org/sift/what-ex-gaymen-can-teach-us-aboutmarriage-1617410398.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid.