How Can Church Leaders Help Hurting Wives?
It’s a weighty responsibility to shepherd God’s people. Ellen shares how Psalm 34 can instruct pastors and church leaders in wise ministry to hurting wives who are crushed by their husband’s sexual sins.
To learn more, read Ellen’s accompanying blog: Wives and Porn and Busy Church Leaders.
If you’re a church leader, can I just say thank you? Especially to those serving as pastors: the weight of your responsibilities for God’s people, and all the counseling, teaching, correcting, and shepherding you do, it’s amazing. As a ministry leader myself, I have a small idea of what it’s like to be pulled in so many directions by so many needs, and to feel like you just don’t have enough time in the day or energy in your heart to offer. But God gives grace for what he calls us to do.
And I want to encourage you to lean deeply upon God’s loving grace and strength regarding women in your church who come to you in the pain and trauma of a husband’s sexual betrayal. Again, I understand what it’s like to have a woman call, email, or reach out for help in a panic, or embittered with anger, or struggling to be coherent due to paralyzing fear, all of this brought on by the heartbreaking experience of discovering his porn usage, or a receipt that points towards adultery, or a confession that he’s contracted an STD and he’s not sure from whom. I’ve heard hundreds of these stories, and it can be overwhelming.
I want to offer a few thoughts on behalf of the wives. Let’s consider David, another overwhelmed leader, and what he said in Psalm 34 to those who were looking to him for leadership and help while hiding in a cave. David didn’t have all the answers to their specific problems, I’m sure, but he did a few things that you can do with hurting wives.
First, David was with them in the cave. He engaged them, relating as a tender father, and he didn’t wait for a more convenient moment. Most wives initially just need to be listened to and seen, to know that they’re not alone and they’re not going to be dismissed. If you have five minutes, give her five minutes, even though we know that’s not enough, but then follow up with her later.
Second, David took a strong stand against evil. And as this woman’s pastor, you must do the same. Porn and other forms of sexual betrayal are devastating because they’re sin.
Third, point them to the ministry God provides. Psalm 34:15 and 18 say, “The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” In your response to this woman’s cry for help, you’re not called to be a Jesus replacement, but you can point to him and the way he listens, the way he hears our cries and is near to the brokenhearted. Through the Holy Spirit, you can have gentleness and life-giving words for her, even if you feel ill-equipped.
Finally, learn. David offered to teach the fear of the Lord to those gathered in that cave. As a church leader in today’s day and age, you must have a growing knowledge of the impact of porn and other sexual sins on a marriage. You just must. And not only for the struggler, but for the spouses of those who struggle. And my plea is to especially seek to understand how wives are impacted, as they are often so vulnerable when these things come to light.
It’s a lot, and you can’t do this in your own power. Who are godly men and women who can assist you in ministry to couples impacted by sexual betrayal? How might wives be just as cared for as the husbands when his sin comes into the light?
As his servant, find comfort in the way David ends this psalm: that God redeems the life of his servants. And he’ll be faithful to use all that you offer up in loving pastoral ministry to hurting lives.
