Sex in Marriage: What Glorifies God?

When we think about sex in marriage and the boundaries God sets for our lives, we often start by asking, “What am I allowed to do?” While that’s not a bad question, an even better question would be, “Does this glorify God?”

The first question asks how far you can go without stepping out of bounds, while the second question is concerned with flourishing—vibrancy, growth, and health. We must ask our hearts: Do we truly believe that God’s glory and our flourishing are not opposed to one another?

Four Questions to Ask About Sex in Marriage

Thinking within this framework of flourishing is especially important when we think about God-glorifying sex in marriage. Just because certain activities in the marriage bed might feel exciting and pleasurable for one or both spouses, does not mean they glorify God or ultimately lead to a flourishing marriage. Instead of giving a simple list of dos and don’ts, we should be asking deeper questions about God-glorifying sex in marriage.

1. Does It Foster Love or Lust?

We usually don’t think about lusting after our spouse. Whenever I hear lust mentioned, it’s almost always directed toward someone you’re not married to. Perhaps you don’t even think it’s possible to lust after your spouse, and that all sexual desire is automatically sanctified within marriage.

One feature of lust is its selfish nature. Lust is not concerned with the good of another but is only concerned with what will satisfy my desires. This is why it’s obvious that viewing pornography is a lustful act. The viewer has no concern for the people on the screen; their purpose is to satisfy sexual desires. If we think about lust through the lens of selfishness, then it becomes very plausible that lust is a real danger within marriage.

This is why God tells us to not only look at the outward behavior, but to also examine our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). But how do you know if your heart is lusting or loving during sex in marriage? This might seem difficult to navigate, and I don’t want to feed any unhelpful over-examination of your heart. God wants you to experience deep pleasure within sex, but he also designed that pleasure to enhance and be inseparably tied to the love you share together. Sex is about intimate connection with your spouse that reveals the deeper mystery of the church’s union and communion with Christ.

As I mentioned in a previous article, your heart’s disposition during sex in marriage should be focused on how you can build up, serve, and esteem your spouse. One simple diagnostic for whether your heart is moving in the direction of lust or love is to ask yourself, “Jesus said that it is better to give than to receive; have I experienced this truth in my marriage bed?” (Acts 20:35) When you engage in sex, is your deepest desire to feel intense pleasure, or is it to express the depths of your love for your spouse?

2. Does It Build Up or Degrade?

We all know the shift that happens from dating to marriage. In dating, both people seek to showcase their best qualities while hiding their worst. But inevitably, over time—especially once you get married—all the things you tried to gloss over eventually get revealed. From unpleasant odors to embarrassing noises to strange habits, all our warts get exposed. While at times these may reveal a lack of decorum or care for one another, by and large, there’s a sweetness to truly knowing and being known, even with all our flaws. Your spouse should be the one person before whom you don’t need to feel ashamed.

Now consider that sex involves mutual nakedness. You’re bare before one another, with nothing to hide. You see everything. In front of anyone else, this would be a nightmare! But in front of your beloved, this is a moment of joy, safety, mutual respect, and celebration. In this sense, sex in marriage has a redemptive quality to it. We remember that in the garden, Adam and Eve saw their nakedness and were ashamed. But as believers, spouses can communicate, through sex, the wonder of the gospel that allows us to be truly known and loved.

And this love is not one of pity, but a true love of delight. You see and delight in your spouse. Therefore, you want every action you take in sex to communicate this esteem. You want your spouse to know that you gaze at him or her with wonder. You praise both their inward and outward beauty.

Contrast that picture with sex that involves bondage, physical violence, or other scenarios that place one person in a position of weakness and submission with the other in a role of power and dominance. This kind of fantasy or roleplaying, termed BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism), does not communicate the gospel.

Instead, it can reveal deep wounds and insecurities that have not been properly addressed and have now become sexualized. If you are the one who wants to be in the position of power and control, you may be expressing frustrations in relationships where you felt out of control and helpless to defend yourself. If you prefer the role of submission or bondage, perhaps life is filled with too many responsibilities; this is the one area where you don’t have to take responsibility because it’s given over to someone else.

For others, stepping outside of what is considered normal sexual activity is about the thrill of doing something new or taboo. And while exploration within sex is not inherently wrong, too often this desire for novelty is driven by a pornographically-motivated heart. Pornography is motivated not by love, but dopamine rushes. But those rushes operate within the realm of diminishing returns, which means people must constantly look for novelty to feel the same rush.

Are you treating sex in marriage as an escape or a way to get high? If so, you will always be looking for the next new thing.

There are probably many other reasons why BDSM appeals to so many. But whatever the reason, it is not a picture of the way Christ loves the church. Rather than being an occasion to celebrate your love together, it’s often a display of two broken souls using one another.

3. Does It Harm Body or Soul?

God made our bodies for specific functions. Some body parts are obviously meant for sexual functions. Others are less obvious. But God didn’t leave us without some clear hints. If a sexual act is linked to bodily harm or the potential for it, we should avoid it. This applies to anal sex. The anus was not created by God for that purpose, and the litany of physical dangers accompanied with anal sex confirms that.

Other acts may not be physically harmful but damage a person’s soul. This is why communication is vital to sexual intimacy in marriage. You should not engage in activities that would make your spouse feel coerced, objectified, degraded, or defiled. You also should not be doing things that tempt you to look upon your spouse in an objectifying or degrading way. Instead, your aim should be to build one another up in love.

It must be said that some women experience pain during intercourse. There are many potential causes for this, including vaginal dryness, vaginismus, hormonal changes, or other gynecological issues which should be treated. This isn’t indicative of a problem with God’s design but an example of how the fall has impacted everything in creation, including our experience of sex. A husband responding with gentleness to his wife’s pain during sex—including patiently encouraging her to pursue answers and help—glorifies God and strengthens the marriage.

Sex in marriage should bring a deeper appreciation for the incalculable riches of your spouse’s humanity and the wonder of being united to them, both body and soul.

4. Does It Showcase and Strengthen Your Union?

Sexual intercourse, especially face-to-face, should not be neglected in your intimacy. There are many other things that are positive and necessary about foreplay, but they should not become substitutes for the wonder of sexual intercourse.^[1] This is the culmination, the part of the sexual act where God chooses to create life. This is where your union is chiefly expressed.

Be intentional to make sure you’re not avoiding or neglecting intercourse in your sexual intimacy. Sometimes fear or pain causes couples to avoid intercourse, and this is an occasion for compassionate dialogue and care for one another. Sometimes, avoiding intercourse is simply a matter of laziness, opting instead for a quick release. Others may find intercourse boring and other activities more thrilling, which goes back either to pornographically-shaped desires or a lack of proper arousal beforehand.

I hope your mind ascends beyond mere activities and fleeting pleasures to a much deeper goal: a growing intimacy and love for your spouse through your physical union that showcases the wonder of God’s love for his bride, the church. The goal is not “how can I feel higher or newer pleasures in sex,” but “how can I show my spouse that I love them, that I want to lay down my life for them, that I long to be more deeply united to them.” This is actually a much more thrilling pursuit, and, through it, you will find that your marriage can flourish, and God is glorified!

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^[1] Biologically, God created men with a much easier ability to reach orgasm, while women typically require more effort. Many women find it impossible to reach orgasm by intercourse alone. While, ideally, the culmination of your delight and pleasure would happen simultaneously, you should not feel guilty if that is not possible. These factors are all the more reason for the husband to prioritize his wife’s pleasure, while exercising self-control regarding his own.