Are Sexual Fetishes Sinful?
Fetishes are probably the last topic of conversation that anyone would bring up. Perhaps you can’t recall even saying the word out loud before? So, before diving into the question of whether sexual fetishes are sinful, let’s first make sure we understand the term.
Websters defines a sexual fetish as “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.”
There are two important things to note here.
1. Sexual fetishes fixate on an object or body part.
When most people think about fetishes, they usually think about objects or body parts that are not directly linked to sexual intercourse. This could be a person’s feet or hands, or objects like shoes or diapers. For the purposes of this article, we will not be considering certain activities in the marriage bed, but instead, we will limit our definition of a sexual fetish to objects or body parts.
2. Sexual fetishes become necessary for sexual gratification.
A fetish is different from having a particular enjoyment of certain features of your spouse’s body. It’s also different from enjoying your spouse wearing certain types of clothing. The Bible is full of examples of spouses delighting in one another’s features:
“Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.” (Prov. 5:19)
“Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing.” (Song 6:5–6)
Solomon lacks no imagination in expressing delight in a lover’s thighs, feet, cheeks, nose, neck, eyes, even the belly button (7:2). The same thing could be said of clothing:
“The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.” (Song 4:11)
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O noble daughter!” (Song 7:1)
We were made to delight in each other’s bodies, and God adorns us with clothing that we all can appreciate as an accentuation of beauty.
But what happens if your spouse’s foot, or a shoe, becomes so linked to sexual desire that fixation upon it is the only means of experiencing sexual satisfaction? That’s the question we need to wrestle with.
What Is Your Focus During Sex?
Are you focused primarily on how you can experience the maximum degree of pleasure? Is your spouse merely the means for experiencing God-sanctioned sexual satisfaction? Or is there a higher goal for sex?
If the focus during sex is your own pleasure, this is a fundamentally selfish disposition. It easily becomes the fuel for pursuing things in sex that do not build up your spouse but make them feel used and disregarded.
Now consider if your chief aim during sex is to build up your spouse in love. You want them to know that you put their concerns above your own. You want your spouse to feel safe, seen, known, adored, cherished, cared for, protected, delighted in, and close to your heart. If this is your goal, then you are seeking to demonstrate for your spouse the love that Christ has for them. Your love in sex should be Christ-like love. It is a self-giving love, a love that gives yourself entirely, body and soul, for the good of your spouse.
Just as you have cultivated an unhealthy sexual fixation, you can cultivate new desires that reflect the wonder of God’s design.
If this is your aim, then your highest pleasure in sex is inextricably linked to the pleasure and delight of your spouse. And this is why God-pleasing sex is such a wonder. If both spouses have this same aim, then what results is a beautiful dance of giving and receiving that leaves no room for selfishness, because both are longing to esteem and build one another up. It is a beautiful picture of the love that God has within himself as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Sex with an Object or a Person?
Now consider something like a foot fetish. What is happening in this scenario? The foot, not the person, is the object of your devotion and delight. But a foot can’t love you. A foot can’t comfort you. A foot can’t know you. Foot fetishes fail, not because feet aren’t beautiful, but because they replace a person for an object. Delighting in your spouse’s body, even specific parts of their body, is certainly an element of sexual delight, but your delight should not terminate on those isolated features.
The consummation of your delight in sex should be in your spouse as a whole person. This is why one of the best places to focus is your spouse’s eyes. The eyes are the window into the soul. It requires much less vulnerability to focus on other body parts. But the wonder of sexual intimacy is knowing one another in the deepest sense, and that depth of knowledge requires vulnerability. Your ability as a couple to gaze into each other’s eyes is a great indicator of the quality of your intimacy.
Sexual fetishes fail because your delight is no longer in a person and their ultimate good, but in an object. Fetishes assume that your focus is not in loving your spouse but finding pleasure for yourself. Your spouse will not feel loved in this scenario, because they know your delight is not culminating in them, but an object.
How Do I Find Satisfaction Apart from My Sexual Fetish?
If you have a particular sexual fetish, there may be many reasons why it developed. One common reason is through viewing pornography. But why are some drawn to fetish-themed pornography while others aren’t? While we can’t give definitive reasons, some will argue that trauma is often a factor in developing a fetish. In some way, that painful experience has become eroticized.
If you’re struggling with a fetish, it’s probably worth considering spending a season with a trained counselor who can help you explore what deeper heart issues may be behind this desire. You might be surprised at what you uncover regarding relational wounds, shame, insecurities, and their connections to your particular fetish. Transformation is a combination of both healing and repentance.
Confessing a sexual fetish to others can feel scary and embarrassing . . . But there’s power when we bring these things into the light and ask others to pray on our behalf.
But whatever the cause of this sexual fetish, you know that you’ve done things to feed this desire. You’ve cultivated it and allowed it to grow to the point where it alone gives you satisfaction. You’re now reaping what you’ve sown (Gal. 6:7–9).
But you’re not doomed to be held captive by this desire forever. Just as you have cultivated an unhealthy fixation, you can cultivate new desires that reflect the wonder of God’s design. This starts by seeking the Lord in prayer. Ask him to change your heart, and even your brain, so that you increasingly experience sexual delight in the ways God intended in your marriage.
Secondly, talk to your spouse about how you want to change. Ask for their forgiveness for not reflecting the love of Christ for them in your sexual intimacy and share your desire to delight in them holistically. Give your spouse time and space to process what you’ve shared, along with the invitation to respond honestly about how they’re experiencing your confession. Perhaps this will mean, in the early stages, that it will be difficult to have an orgasm. You should both be ready for that possibility, and hopefully you’re both committed to the longer trajectory of growth that doesn’t put pressure on immediate results.
You should also prayerfully consider, with your spouse, a season of refraining from sexual intimacy so that you both can be devoted to prayer for this area.
Thirdly, commit to focusing on your spouse’s good as your chief aim. Learn the joys of serving your spouse and allow them the joy of serving you. Perhaps you’ll be surprised by how much delight you experience.
Lastly, focus more on intimacy than physical pleasure. Focus on connection with your spouse, knowing them, and being known by them. Look into their eyes and proclaim your love for them, and let the results of a growing, deeper connection be left to the Lord’s good timing. He wants you to experience a much deeper joy than the cheap thrill of a sexual fetish. Wait for him, trust him, and believe that he is for the flourishing of your sexual intimacy.
What If I’m Single and Struggling with a Sexual Fetish?
If you’re single, then God has called you to refrain from all sexual activity. This includes pornography, masturbation, and the fantasy that accompanies it. Sexual fetishes retain their power over your brain, in part, through repeatedly feeding their hunger. So, every time you look at fetish-themed pornography or fantasize about your fetish, you’re strengthening its power.
But in this season of singleness, in a special way, Christ wants you to be devoted not to an object or body part, but to him! Paul encourages singles that they have a particular opportunity to live with undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:35). Fetishes are a perversion of the singular focus, devotion, and fixation of our hearts upon Christ. Let this struggle point you to the opportunity to find more and more of your delight and satisfaction in him. If your fetish is connected to some kind of trauma or insecurity, this is even more reason to forsake this false means of comfort or security and to find healing and safety in the arms of your Savior.
Whether you’re married or single, I know that confessing a sexual fetish to others can feel scary and embarrassing. This is especially true if you feel that your fetish is particularly dark, shameful, or unique. But remember, there’s power when we bring these things into the light and ask others to pray on our behalf. Your sin, and its shame, was borne on the cross of Jesus Christ so that you are freed from its power and its accusations against you. You are a redeemed son or daughter of the King, struggling with a distorted desire. But your King knows you perfectly, loves you, and wants to show you the path of growth in this area—and that usually comes through leaning on others for support.
Mark Sanders
President
Mark has been President of Harvest USA since October 2022. Mark holds an M.A. in Counseling from Westminster Theological Seminary, Glenside, PA, and a B.A. in Communications & Integrated Media from Geneva College,
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