Is Choking During Sex Permissible in Christian Marriage?

Though I don’t relish writing articles with dark and disturbing titles like this, God’s Word speaks to our sexual brokenness—even to questions that may seem taboo for polite company. Jesus engaged compassionately with people in disturbing situations, like the man cutting himself with rocks in Mark 5:5, and shame-filled sin, like the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8:1–11. Yet Jesus’s response to these people is not condemnation or outrage but healing, affirming dignity, and a call to repentance. Sadly, there is a good reason for me to write on the topic of choking during sex—even for Christians.

Why Address Choking During Sex?

“Sexual choking” has recently become a public health concern, most notably among young adults and teens. It consists of choking your partner (most of the time non-consensually or without warning) during a sexual encounter. Mainstream news outlets like The New York Times have reported on this growing issue, and medical professionals are now advised to screen for sexual choking to help explain neurological symptoms, chronic headaches, and strokes in young people.

On a forum for medical professionals called MD Edge, one physician shared:

We’ve done US nationally representative surveys as well as college campus representative surveys. We find that consistently across four campus representative surveys that 64% of women report having ever been choked during sex, and around 1 in 3 women (aged 18–24 years) throughout the whole country report having been choked during their most recent sexual activity with another person.^[1]

Choking during sex is no longer a fringe kink; it’s made its way into the mainstream.

Pornography’s portrayal of violence towards women is nothing new. Researchers believe that women who consume pornography at a young age are socialized to accept sexual aggression as a sexual or romantic event^[2] which, I would argue, is leading to this disturbing normalization of being choked by a partner. A study in Austria^[3] revealed a correlation between exposure to sexually violent images and carrying them out—in both men and women:

The high availability, the frequent use of pornographic material and the portrayal of sexual activity in pornographic material that includes degradation, objectification, domination, exploitation, or aggression all lead to the premise that pornographic materials may be linked to people exhibiting partnered sexual activities that are similar to those depicted in pornographic material (Braithwaite et al., 2015; Herbenick et al., 2020). For example, a German study revealed an association between men’s frequency of pornography consumption and their engagement in dominant sexual activities (e.g., choking a partner, name calling) (Wright et al., 2015). Another German study revealed a correlation between women’s frequency of pornography consumption and their desire for or actual submissive sexual behaviors (e.g., being slapped by a partner in the face, being choked by a partner) (Sun et al., 2017).

Where can we begin in thinking about this disturbing trend? Can Christian couples mutually consent to choking during sex with integrity? Does God’s Word speak to sexual choking with any clarity?

What Is God-Honoring Marital Sex?

When it comes to sexual behaviors, Christians are wise to begin with a robust appreciation for the goodness of the gift of sex—what it is—to evaluate potential counterfeits and be able to identify what sex isn’t.

God honoring sex is:

• Contained in an exclusive covenant between one man and one woman (Eph. 5:31–32);
• A celebration of pleasure and delight (Song of Songs 5:1);
• A celebration of God’s goodness and design (James 1:17);
• A celebration of the relational intimacy that exists between husband and wife (Song of Songs 6:3);
• A celebration of the covenant that was made on your wedding day—a “re-covenanting” of sorts (Gen 2:23–25);
• Focused on the good, cherishing, and pleasure of the other (Eph. 5:28–29);
• Designed to bring new life through procreation—though, because of the fall, not all couples can or will experience this blessing (Gen 1:28).

Godly sex should be the standard by which Christian couples evaluate “do’s and don’ts” in the bedroom, including behaviors such as choking during sex that can hide in darkness.^[4] As Mark Sanders wrote, our standard for marital sex is what glorifies God.

What Is NOT God-Honoring Marital Sex?

After seeking to know what God-honoring sex is, the bounds of particular behaviors may become more clear. We will call things outside of God’s intent for sex “ungodly sex.”

Ungodly sex is:

• Sex that is focused solely on “getting your needs met” without regard for your spouse’s desires, physical state, or well-being. This kind of sex is the fruit of selfishness.
• Sex that is centered around personal fetishes is out of bounds for a God honoring marriage bed. This kind of sex uses the other rather than cherishing and loving them.
• Sex that is degrading, painful, confusing, or non-consensual has no place in Christian marriage. This kind of sex uses domination, evil, darkness, and pain in a context that is meant to exemplify the opposite of all these things.

What If Both Spouses Agree About Sexual Choking?

What if both spouses in a Christian marriage have mutually agreed to the practice of choking during sex, and have found it to be a great way to “spice up” their sex life? Is mutual consent a wise measure for what’s permissible?

No. It’s possible for both spouses to be deceived; mutual consent alone is not enough to warrant any given activity. We must measure all our actions against the standard of God’s Word. Choking someone represents the antithesis of godly sex. Choking during sex communicates contempt, punishment, degradation, and disrespect. It can cause bruising, pain, neurological damage, brain injury, asphyxiation, or even death. When evaluating sexual behavior in Christian marriage, David White asks the following questions in his book God, You & Sex: A Profound Mystery:

Will my spouse be served, blessed, and encouraged? Or shamed, demeaned, and exploited? Is our activity a reflection of Christ’s love for his church? Will my spouse experience love, safety, joy, comfort through this? Will our behavior lead to my spouse’s flourishing, or will it mainly be for the benefit of one, turning the spouse into an object of self-centered pleasure?

Even if both spouses agree to the practice of sexual choking, this is an indication of brokenness in one or both spouses, not a green light to “go for it.” All married couples will bring some degree of ungodly desires and fantasies into the marriage bed. This is due to the fall, which rendered all of creation—even down to our desires and fantasies—touched by degrees of brokenness (Gen. 3).

Any couple seeking to mutually introduce a practice of degradation and harm into their sex life should seek a path of repentance not only for the behavior itself, but for their broken desires. Some may need professional counseling to understand how personal experiences of sexual harm or abuse may have played into their desires to give or receive harm in the context of the marriage bed.

As a Christian husband or wife, your life, your fantasies, and your sexual impulses are not your own (1 Cor. 6:19–20). You belong to Christ. You can trust, even amid confusion, that your Maker’s ways lead to delight, flourishing, and wholeness (Ps. 16:10–11).

So, What’s the Answer?

Choking during sex has no place in God-honoring marital intimacy. If you’re in a Christian marriage where you’re feeling degraded, confused, or harmed, something is wrong. If you’re perpetrating these kinds of behaviors on your spouse (choking, hitting, and other degrading practices) something is wrong! That is not God’s intent for the marriage bed.

I encourage you to seek help through a professional counselor, your local church, or a trusted friend. If you’re someone seeking sexual pleasure through these means, Harvest USA is here to help. If you’re a victim of non-consensual choking during sex, or other behaviors that make you feel unsafe, please reach out to the US Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or text START to 88788. You do not have to continue to experience this, and the Lord Jesus grieves with you over your suffering and the pain this has caused you.

Even a taboo subject like choking during sex is not off-limits to the Lord who made us, knows the depravity of our hearts, and stooped to save us through his powerful, sin-shattering grace. There is no darkness too dark for the Lord Jesus to illuminate with his hope and help (Ps. 139:12).

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^[1] https://www.mdedge.com/obgyn/article/270088/sexual-health/disturbing-sexual-trend-real-health-consequences?ecd=WNL_EVE_241231_mdedge&uac=70022BG&sso=true, accessed 1/31/25

^[2] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6751001/, accessed 1/31/25

^[3] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8888391/#:~:text=Such%20portrayals%20of%20domination%20and,et%20al.%2C%202017), accessed 1/31/25

^[4] For a more complete understanding of the beauty of God’s design for sex, I commend David White’s book God, You & Sex: A Profound Mystery.