How Do I Desire a Spouse Without Idolizing Marriage?

I carried two interacting burdens during my single years: I longed for marriage, and yet I feared idolizing marriage. Whenever I attempted to process my longing, I questioned whether it was a guise for idolatry. This often led me to stuff my thoughts, desires, and emotions. I was convinced that if I brought up the topic before God or others, it would lead to a shameful confirmation of idolatry in my heart. I did not know how to desire marriage without idolizing it.

My aim is to walk with you through this foggy question about what desiring but not idolizing marriage looks like. I hope to bring foundational answers that may guide your burdened heart away from self-inflicted guilt and toward hope-filled peace.

What Is Idolizing Marriage?

Scripture establishes Christ as Creator, Sustainer, and Lord (Col. 1:15–18; Heb. 1). We worship Christ by ascribing to him worth and value, honoring him over every facet of our lives. Idolatry is when we take the correct valuing of God and redirect that toward anything other than him. Your desire for marriage has fallen into idolatry when it leads you to no longer value and worship God, dethroning him as Creator, Sustainer, and Lord over your life.

Let’s consider some examples:

• Those who rationalize or fantasize about using porn or engaging in hook-ups as an “inescapable” coping mechanism for their unmet desire for marriage are practicing idolatry by esteeming sexual sin as the sustainer of their lives instead of Christ.

• Those who demand LGBTQ+ relationships be allowed to qualify as marital unions commit idolatry because they shift the honor of being creator from God to themselves. They falsely conclude that they can create marriage to be whatever they desire (Matt. 19:4–6).

• Those who present themselves as “good Christians” but, on the inside, have a hardened heart that lashes out at God—they see him as a dysfunctional vending machine, failing to “do his job” and meet their demands. They, too, are committing idolatry by challenging Christ’s good, loving, and sufficient Lordship. Like the prodigal son’s older brother, they make demands of God and refuse to give their whole hearts to him until he satisfies their unmet desire (Luke 15).

What Idolizing Marriage Isn’t

First, recognizing marriage as a good and desirable avenue of development in life is not idolizing marriage. God created marriage as a beneficial and necessary provision for humanity—both for the flourishing of husband and wife and for raising godly offspring (Gen. 2). We can affirm the God-established goodness of marriage by looking at how it practically produces immense fruitfulness:

1. “Many studies have shown that married adults have a greater likelihood of living longer than their unmarried counterparts.”^[1]
2. “Married people are approximately 16% more likely than unmarried people to describe their mental health as ‘excellent’ or ‘very good.’”^[2]
3. “Among those who were raised in a single religious background, the family’s religious commitment is closely linked with retaining one’s religion into adulthood.”^[3]

Yes, not all people find themselves called to marriage, and that may include you. A call to singleness bears its own opportunity for unique fruitfulness.^[4]

Additionally, if you don’t desire marriage or are convicted to lay aside your desire for marriage for undivided devotion to the Lord, know that your singleness does not make you “lesser-than” those who are married. Differing relational contexts have differing experiences, but we rejoice together that when we’re trusting in our Sustainer, obeying our Creator, and glorifying our Lord, we all truly share in a developing, whole-life flourishing and fruitfulness (Phil.1:6).                

However, being called to singleness does not demand anything less than a view of marriage that sees it as a good and profitable gift from the Creator God. Both singles and married people must reject the false premise that to honestly promote and celebrate one relational state is to inherently infer a degradation of the other relational state (1 Cor. 7).

Second, taking practical steps to pursue marriage and building a life that would accommodate it is not idolizing marriage. Pursuing a spouse is never a passive act. In fact, the nature of marriage requires one to reorient their life in profound ways. In marriage, you live out the reality that you and your spouse “are no longer two, but one flesh” (Matt. 19:4–6). Under God’s Lordship, he gives us freedom to honorably make choices that work toward our earthly good. We can be both encouraged to act and given peace to submit to the Lord in all circumstances through the mystery that “he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” while at the same time, “the heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps” (Prov. 18:22, 16:9).  

Third, grieving the unmet desire of not being married is not idolizing marriage if it is a godly grief. I think there’s no sweeter example of godly grief than that expressed by Martha when she spoke to Jesus about the death of her brother, Lazarus. She began by sharing her grief with faith and hope in Jesus: “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” And she ended by expressing her grief with faith and hope in Jesus: “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world” (John 11:17–27). Godly grief does not hold back from pouring out its broken-hearted neediness. Those who grieve with reverence for God know that their Father, who was willing to give up Christ for their sorrows, will forever spare nothing to sustain them through the full weight of their grief (Isa. 53; Rom. 8:31–32).   

The Necessity for Good Discipleship

Hopefully, you now have a sense of relief understanding that the path of appropriately desiring marriage is wider than you may have thought. At the same time, you remain convicted that this new-found freedom must never go outside the bounds of God alone being Creator, Sustainer, and Lord over your life.

You may be asking, How do I practically walk this out? Maybe you feel like you’ve always subconsciously understood what you’ve read up to this point. Yet, you still know your heart is deceitful (Jer. 17:9), and so categorizing your thoughts, desires, and emotions remains a challenge.    

Be encouraged—this humble recognition of your finitude and your desire to remain within the boundaries of obedience to God affirms you are wise (Prov. 9:10)! Scripture celebrates the wise: “Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning” (Prov. 9:9). To grow in God-honoring wisdom, the instructive counsel of others is critical. Discipleship is how you grow in honestly processing the thoughts, desires, and emotions of your heart. Your community will profoundly shape how you think and act as you navigate your desire for marriage.

Two Warnings for Mentors

I want to briefly shift and speak to mentors, and warn you of two contrasting types of unhelpful care you could give to a single person. The first is having an “itchy idol trigger finger.” This refers to care that’s always quick to lead with a warning against or questioning about idolatry when a single person brings up marriage. This emphasis risks demonizing a single person’s experience in a way that instigates putting to death what is permissible. You want to be careful to not be like the high priest Eli, who, through haste, incorrectly condemned Hannah’s honorable petitioning to the Lord as sin (in Hannah’s case, Eli accused her of being drunk when she was praying for a child [1 Sam. 1]).

The other unhelpful type of care is being the “marriage mathematician.” This refers to those who see a single person as an unsolved equation, with marriage as the sole solution. They’re driven by a misplaced duty to consistently ask, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or declare “We just need to get you married already.” These types of blanket statements are often void of any real listening or understanding of a single person’s heart. They’re also usually void of any genuine consideration of the work of God as Creator, Lord, and Sustainer in the single person’s life. This can lead the single person to feel alone, flawed, or misunderstood by God and the church.

Mentors, you need to engage with the single person from the same foundation from which they are to engage with you—a place of God-honoring wisdom that heeds the words of Proverbs: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13).

Desiring Marriage and Living for Jesus

So back to our question, how do you, as a wise Christian, practically navigate desiring marriage without idolizing it? Prioritize biblically grounded discipleship. Be engaged in the local church, campus ministries, small groups, and other intimate forms of mentorship.

In these trusted relationships, I encourage you to read this article together. Share your heart, consider wise counsel, and pray together. And don’t just talk about marriage, talk about life. In fact, don’t just talk. Live life together! Strive to be in Christian community in a way that holistically develops you as a godly person—as one who trusts God as Creator, Sustainer, and Lord.

---

^[1] The Health Benefits of Marriage, Glenn T. Stanton, Focus on the Family

^[2] Less Marriage, Worse Mental Health: The ‘Marriage Advantage’ in Mental Well-Being, Kevin Wallsten, The Institute for Family Studies

^[3] One-in-Five U.S. Adults Were Raised in Interfaith Homes, Pew Research Center

^[4]For example, see: Single Christian: Are You Enjoying Your Union with Christ?, The Antidote for Humanity’s Loneliness, You Don’t Need Sex but You Do Need Intimacy, Lonely in Your Singleness? Let It Lead You to Jesus, How Can My Church Minister to Singles?, A Reality Better Than a Wish List, and Living with Unsatisfied Desires