Past Sexual Sin and Preparing for Your Wedding Night

There are few dates in a person’s life that are more charged with anticipation and nerves than someone’s wedding day and, by extension, their wedding night. While we all know the temptation many couples face to over-invest in an extravagant wedding and lose sleep over the catering menu, it’s not wrong to feel the gravity of this moment. You’re about to participate in this mysterious picture of the gospel, when a man and woman become one flesh. This life-changing event is publicly declared by a pastor, but it is usually physically consummated on the wedding night.

There are many reasons for couples to feel nervous about their first time physically coming together as husband and wife. If one or both are virgins, there’s the fear of the unknown, concern over potential pain, insecurity about being awkward or unskilled, and anxiety over whether they will even enjoy it. Even in ideal scenarios, wedding night sex is charged with many complex emotions. But this is only made more complicated by the past sexual sin that one or both bring to the marriage bed.

We must first acknowledge that no one comes to marital sex with absolute purity. Even if you’re a virgin who’s never looked at pornography or even masturbated, the fall has affected our humanity on every level, including our sexuality. But while we’ve all failed to measure up to the perfection that God’s holy law of purity and love requires, I do not wish to degenerate the amazing gift a husband or wife brings to their spouse when they’ve kept themselves pure for their wedding night. God’s intention would be that when you think about sex, you are not flooded with images and memories of multiple partners, but sex is synonymous with your spouse. It is an amazing blessing to say to your spouse,

I have waited patiently for you. I have battled selfishness and impatience because I wanted to reserve the gift of myself for you, and you alone. As much as I have been tempted at times to use my sexuality to serve myself, I have given you, and you alone, the keys to unlock this gift of love and intimacy. I am yours alone, and you are mine.

But we all know that most married couples bring past sexual sin into their marriages. Whether it be sexual activity of varying degrees, pornography, fantasy, or masturbation, most people come into marriage having already pursued sexual fulfillment outside of God’s ordained context in marriage. There is reason to lament this reality, but all hope is not lost. There is forgiveness, cleansing, renewal, transformation, and incredible blessing available in Jesus Christ to couples who have sexual sin in their past.

It’s also important to acknowledge the tragic reality that many people bring past sexual abuse into their marriages. They were not the perpetrators of sin, but victims. This is a grievous tragedy, and something that can deeply impact sexual intimacy in marriages. The shame, insecurity, and fear that accompanies past abuse is a deep source of pain for many couples. This article won’t go into all the dynamics of how to move forward as a couple, but please know that if you’ve been the victim of sexual abuse, the Lord has a particular compassion for you. You are not “damaged goods,” and God is zealous to bless your marriage and restore and redeem the brokenness and pain you’ve experienced. The Lord is your stronghold (Ps. 9:9), he is near to the broken-hearted (Ps. 34:8), and he is the God who restores the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25–27).

5 Ways to Prepare for Your Wedding Night

1. Confess your sins to the Lord and your future spouse. 

The first step toward healing and restoration is to confess your sins to the Lord. We cannot live in the freedom God gives if we try to downplay or conceal our sinful past. God already knows everything we’ve thought and done. He wants to minister to your heart, mind, and body as you humbly and honestly come into his throne room and fall upon his grace.

David knew the bone-wasting, strength-draining sorrow of seeking to hide his sexual sin from the Lord. But he also knew the rejuvenating power of confession. He writes,

I acknowledged my sin to you,

    and I did not cover my iniquity;

I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”

    and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. (Ps. 32:5)

The result of David’s confession was forgiveness, gladness, joy, and the surrounding presence of the steadfast love of the Lord. Have you proactively, thoughtfully taken time to confess your specific sexual sins to the Lord? If you haven’t, then you are still carrying burdens, shame, and guilt that he wants to free you from.

But you also need to confess to your future spouse. To truly experience the blessing of knowing one another sexually, you must first have full knowledge of each other’s past. Sex is not just about physical intimacy; it is also the opportunity for a depth of relational and emotional intimacy that no other relationship affords. That intimacy can’t happen if you are hiding things from each other. Vulnerability is essential for true intimacy. To learn more about how to talk about your sexual past, read Ellen Dykas’s article, “Your Dating Relationship and Your Sexual Past.”

2. Meditate on the cleansing blood of Jesus.

One of the greatest challenges in the Christian life is to take God at his word when he promises to remove our sins from us as far as the east is from the west (Ps. 103:12). It seems too good to be true, that he would take our crimson stains and make them white as snow (Isa. 1:18). But brother, sister, just as surely as Christ was raised from the dead, you have been washed, sanctified, and “justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11).

Every time the enemy of our souls brings up our past sins, we must fight those accusations and lies with the truth and promises of God’s Word. When he tries to convince you that your debt remains unpaid, remember that God has “forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands” (Col. 2:13–14).

I cannot state this emphatically enough—you can go into your wedding night as a clean man or woman, purified for your spouse, able to give and receive the incredible blessing of marital intimacy in a manner that glorifies God and blesses one another. Jesus has made this possible, and his Spirit will empower your faith to walk in this newness of life. You can say with full integrity, “I am yours alone, and you are mine!”

3. Renew your mind in Christ.

One of the biggest challenges a newlywed couple faces is remembering past sexual sin. The memories threaten to distract you from your focus on your spouse. What can you do when you desperately want a purified mind but are still flooded with memories?

First, put into action all of the wonderful steps Catherine Krasinski laid out in her article, “Sexual Fantasies: Redeeming Your Imagination.” These steps include confession, prayer, praise and worship, honest sharing, starving the flesh, feeding your soul with God’s Word, and seeking ways to serve others.

Second, pray regularly, individually and as a couple, for the Lord’s protection, cleansing, and renewal of your minds. You may also consider making it a regular practice to pray together before sexual intimacy. What a beautiful moment, on your wedding night, to come together as a couple, before God, and humbly ask him to meet you in your needs, and to consecrate this moment for his glory and your good.

For many, even with great prayer and spiritual discipline, your thoughts still may come under attack during sexual intimacy with your spouse. But you can fight them in the moment. Ask God to help you and resist dwelling on them. If you are finding it too overwhelming, you may at times ask your spouse to stop and pray right then and there before continuing. This may feel awkward and even disruptive, but it can also be a beautiful moment of vulnerability before one another and the Lord.

It’s also important to discern how many of these thoughts are coming from actual desires for other people and how many are coming from the fear of having them. While you still need to pray for whole-hearted devotion to your spouse, you may need to pray even more for peace, trust in the Lord, and protection from your anxieties.

And don’t limit prayer to just the two of you. Consider trusted brothers and sisters that you might enlist to pray for you as well.

4. Conform your expectations to God’s design for sex.

Another challenge that your past sin creates is the temptation to compare your spouse to your past experiences. At times, you may be tempted to believe that your spouse is not as exciting, accessible, or even desirable as past partners or pornography. The wrong way to approach these thoughts would be to try to convince yourself that your spouse really is better than everything else you’ve experienced. This is wrong because you shouldn’t be playing the comparison game to begin with.

When you get married, all other competitors disappear. It’s not about whether your spouse is more attractive than others, because your spouse is in a category all to themselves. They alone are your spouse; everyone else is not.

This frees your heart and mind to stop comparing and start sacrificially loving. Your goal is not to somehow make yourself feel more excitement than anything in your sexual past did; instead, it’s to grow continually in loving your spouse in all areas of your marriage, including sex. With this as your aim, you will find that your delight in your spouse is the organic result of following God’s calling in your marriage.

5. Prepare beyond your wedding night for a lifetime of growth.

Lastly, don’t get discouraged if your sexual intimacy and battles with temptation are not as easy as you hoped. Sex is not meant to be easy. It takes work, effort, cooperation, communication, vulnerability, patience, and sacrificial love. Sex is a window into the health and vitality of your entire marriage. No one expects to be an amazing husband or wife on day one, and yet many people expect their wedding night to be the best sex they ever had.

We all know the adage, “People tend to overestimate what can be done in one year and underestimate what can be done in ten years.” This applies to your growth and sanctification in your sexual intimacy. Pray diligently and patiently for the Lord to bless this area of your marriage, and pray that, as you persevere in delighting in your spouse alone, memories from the past will grow more and more dim in the radiance of your beloved.