How Far Is Too Far? Physical Affection to the Glory of Christ

Have you been in a dating relationship that made you ask, “How far IS too far?” Maybe you’re there now.

The desire and capacity to experience touch is beautifully human. The Gospels show Jesus relating to people through seeing, talking, and, often, touching. His touch was non-sexual, holy, and deeply loving. It was always in the context of his ministry of healing and expressing compassion, honor, and dignity to others—especially women. Though he was unmarried and not involved in romantic relationships, Jesus is our model for considering how we do and don’t touch others, and he exposes our need to examine our hearts’ motivations. This includes, my friends, how we share our bodies with a romantic interest outside of marriage. 

The “how far is too far?” discussion is loaded, especially for those in physically affectionate dating relationships which frequently include sexual arousal and activity. “But we’re not really having sex—at least not the ‘whole way’ . . . what’s the big deal? Don’t crush our hearts with old school mandates.”

We need wisdom and a theological foundation for this deeply personal topic.^[1] It’s vital to avoid the two extremes: shaming and conscience-binding directives on one hand, and vague counsel, which communicates that “anything goes” physically besides sexual intercourse, on the other.

To wrestle with the question, “how far is too far,” let’s walk through three biblical truths that unpack what loving physical affection might look like when you’re romantically involved with someone but not married to them.

How to Decide How Far Is Too Far

1. The Scriptures describe the joys of sexual love as a gift of God reserved for marriage. (Gen. 2:23–25; Prov. 5:18–19; Song 1:2–4, 2, 7:1–9; 1 Cor. 7:3–5)

The Bible beautifully describes our Savior as Creator; all things were created by him and for him (Col. 1:16). This includes sexual love, our bodies, desires, marriages, and, yes, the ability to experience pleasure through sex. God delights in his children delighting in his good gifts, including sex and the pleasure that can fuel it and be produced by it. Yet let’s remember that holy delight in his gifts happens when we engage those gifts by faith and in obedience to his commands. There are implications for our affection with others as we remember the Bible’s exhortation that whatever we do, it’s to be done “to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31) and “in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col. 3:17).

Do you believe that sexual love is reserved for God’s design of marriage? Why or why not? What’s your understanding of how our physical selves (including our minds, thought lives, and sexual pleasure zones) are to actively express our devotion to Jesus? If that sounds weird, consider reading “Just What Is Godly Sex – Part 1.”

2. Our Creator designed our bodies with a progressive process that prepares for shared sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. (Gen. 2:23–25; Song 1:2, 7:1–9)

It’s stunning to study the human body and the intricacies of our physiology that God carefully designed—including the delicate progression of male and female bodies preparing for sexual intercourse through our neurology and the physical arousal of genitals, emotions, and thoughts. In God’s design, this progression is fueled by selfless love, emotional and spiritual intimacy, and the safety of the exclusive, lifelong covenant. Sex was never meant to be only for making babies; neither is it meant to be about random hook-ups or with ourselves as we get stimulated by images on a screen. And, of course, it should never be under aggression or coercion. No! God planned that through Christ-dependent love—expressed through non-sexual physical affection, words of delight, shared life in the mundane, and so on—spouses learn, over time, how to pleasure the other and serve one another toward arousal and shared sexual joy.^[2]

Have you considered that it is God’s idea for our bodies to progress toward shared sexual pleasure? How does this impact the way you view sex itself, as well as the physical affection you’ve shared with those you’ve dated?

3. Your boyfriend/girlfriend is your brother or sister in Christ, and you may be married to someone else in the future. (Rom. 12:1–2, 13:8–14; Gal. 5:13–24; Eph. 5:1–4; Col. 1:16, 3:1–5, 12–14; 1 Thess. 4:1–8, 5:23–24)

A helpful article on this topic is “Sex and the Single Man,” from Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. It explains, with gospel-driven application, what it means to live as the household of faith: honoring, respecting, and loving one another as Christ loves us. To the modern ear, the concepts may sound radical. But you won’t find the Bible contradicting what the authors advocate.

Simply put, we are either unmarried or married. Those are temporary, for-this-life-only realities as believers await our full union with Jesus (Rev. 19:6–8). Our eternal relationship as brothers and sisters in the Bride in Christ guides how we relate to one another, outside and inside marriage. This eternal relationship also guides how we glorify God with our bodies and all its members (1 Cor. 6:19–20, Rom. 6:13).

The implications of these eternal realities are profound regarding faithfulness in physical affection outside of marriage. There is black-and-white obedience; there are also gray areas for which we need wisdom. When we ask, “how far is too far,” what’s clear is that we are to honor others, relating to them as loved children of God and spiritual siblings, created in God’s image, and dearly loved by our heavenly Father (see Col. 3:12–14). Our thoughts, desires, and bodies (hands, eyes, lips . . . you get the picture) are for God’s glory and are to be shared in service of Christ to love, and, yes, receive love! Hand holding, hugs, kissing, touching . . . all are to be surrendered to the Lord.

While our relationships with each other outside of marriage can contain deep life-sharing, emotional closeness and physical affection, they shouldn’t contain any activity that would tempt us (or someone else) to grasp for the gifts of marriage, including sexual pleasure. Using a metaphor of sexual intercourse as a highway reserved for marriage, we flee possible ‘entry ramps’ onto that highway—experiences that prompt emotional lust and sexual arousal in our bodies.

My friends, asking “how far is too far” isn’t legalism or a return to the aspects of purity culture which were unhelpful. Rather, it’s encouragement for us to live out our identity as brothers and sisters in Christ. We honor our potential future marriage bed, and spouse, by not sharing things reserved for him or her. Your obedience to Jesus and care for your eternal spiritual siblings in this area may be emotionally painful and physically frustrating. Perhaps it seems mentally impossible. However, faithfulness to God and others with your mind and body now is a costly obedience that shouts radically that Jesus is worth saying “no” to some things because we’ve said a cross-fueled “YES” to him.

What do you think about this section? What would the cost be to your dating life if you committed to fleeing anything that prompts you toward sexual sin? Can you imagine any benefits to delayed sexual gratification now, even if you don’t marry?

What If You’ve Gone Too Far?

Jesus heals broken hearts and offers merciful hope and forgiveness for our failures.

Many people regret past sexual experiences, bringing mental and bodily memories with them into marriage. It’s a tough fight, but it is winnable—we can have our thought lives renewed and our bodies re-oriented toward attraction, arousal, and sexual joy with a spouse . . . and patience when sex with your spouse isn’t pleasurable.

Singles who have been sexually active or find life painfully lonely need encouragement, prayer, and practical help! Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and to lead us in paths of righteousness for our flourishing and his glory (see Isaiah 61:1–4, Psalm 23). Maybe you have layers of regret because of the ways you’ve shared yourself physically with others. Perhaps you’re angry after reading this article. Remember: Jesus offers himself to us, and asks for every part of our lives in return. This includes our relationships, desires, hands, thoughts, genitals (yes, I just wrote that), hopes for marriage, and longings for sexual pleasure.

Christ-centered friendships, dating relationships, marriage, and sexual joy are beautiful gifts God gives to his people. Physical affection is a comforting, image-bearing ability we have. Yet, like all of God’s gifts, it must be shared and received as a way of revealing the goodness, holiness, and worth of Jesus. His Spirit empowers us to use touch to honor, respect, and express love in his name to others.

How far is too far? You can trust Jesus to help you and shepherd your heart as you walk forward with your eyes on him, your heart beating for him, and your obedience motivated by his grace.

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^[1] Check out our website for more articles and books which address a variety of topics regarding sexuality: www.harvestusa.org, as well as our video discipleship course for women.

^[2] Pure Design Ministries has helpful articles which explain the sexual arousal process, along with explanations of female and male anatomy. These articles are a trustworthy resource and are available with or without simple cartoon images.