Biblical Manhood for Boys Who Don’t Fit the Mold

“Mason isn’t like the other boys.”

Those words from Mason’s third grade teacher stuck with Tom and Lisa. Her stark appraisal voiced a quiet fear that had been gnawing at their hearts since Mason was a toddler. In those early days, they had read the Christian parenting books their friends recommended, which all seemed to agree: boys are wild. Tom and Lisa thought they were prepared for “wild”—Tom himself had been pretty wild. All the other boys they knew were some degree of wild. Wasn’t biblical manhood about being wild at heart? But Mason never quite fit that mold.

Other boys pretended to be superheroes. Mason pretended to be on Dancing with the Stars. Other boys wanted soccer cleats. Mason asked for tap shoes. Other boys loved fishing with their dads. Mason cried when Tom showed him how to bait a hook with a live worm. Other boys couldn’t sit still for five minutes. Mason could curl up with their cat and read all afternoon.

Breaking the Mold

Do you know a boy like Mason? Maybe he’s your son, or in your youth group or children’s ministry. You may know several boys who dress, act, or enjoy things that don’t align with our culture’s image of masculinity—or maybe your own idea of biblical manhood. They might be more emotionally sensitive than other boys, more prone to tears. Perhaps they reject more traditional “boy activities” like sports or video games for interests like dance, music, or art.  Maybe something about how they speak or carry themselves strikes you as almost . . . feminine? 

There have always been boys who don’t fit their culture’s mold of masculinity. This is not new. We can even find these boys in Scripture.¹ God loves using boys and men who, for one reason or another, don’t fit the mold (1 Cor. 1:26–27). He uses gardeners and soldiers, hunters and priests, poets and kings, beggars and prophets. Many voices today sound the alarm that masculinity is under attack in our culture, and even in our churches. Whether or not that’s the case, the boys who prefer the Tony Awards to the Super Bowl are certainly not the culprits—and neither are they the problem.

Stereotypes & Biblical Manhood

We need to acknowledge that most modern images of masculinity are rooted in cultural stereotypes rather than Scripture. God created humanity as male and female. The whole Bible upholds and celebrates this distinction, particularly when it comes to sex, marriage, and church leadership. The Bible also clearly states that to intentionally blur this distinction is to reject God’s good design (Deut. 22:5; 1 Cor. 11:14–15). But when it comes to personality, emotions, affinities, skills, and labor, the Bible allows men and women considerable freedom in living out their distinct masculinity and femininity.

When cultural stereotypes are packaged, baptized, and sold as biblical masculinity, it creates a whole world of confusion, pressure, and pain for boys who don’t fit that mold. These boys may feel alienated in Christian circles, eventually seeking community and belonging outside the community of faith. The culture stands ready to tell them they might be gay—or maybe even girls.

What does the church have to say to these boys? We must stand firm for the truth and goodness of gender distinction, but author Nancy Pearcey also suggests that “Christians should be the first in line to nurture and support kids who don’t ‘fit in’ by affirming the diversity of gifts and temperaments in the body of Christ.”² The goal of discipleship is Christlike men, not manlier men.

Discipling a Boy Who Doesn’t Fit

Whether you are a father, minister, or mentor, what does faithful discipleship look like for a boy who doesn’t fit the mold? What does he need from you? 

1. He needs you to see his heart.

The prophet Samuel was looking at Jesse’s sons, tasked with anointing a new king of Israel. He saw Eliab’s height and thought he had his man. But God said “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Eliab fit the kingly mold, but God had chosen David, Jesse’s youngest son, because of what God saw in his heart.

When you look at this boy God has placed in your life, you might see his fashion, hairstyle, or build. You might see his mannerisms or the way he runs. But are you seeing him as God sees him? Ask yourself, “What do I think God sees when he looks at this boy? What fruit of the Spirit are evident? What’s going on in his heart?” This might take time to discern, but you’ll never lead this boy well if you do not see him. Ask the Lord to help you see this boy through his eyes rather than our human lenses of culture and preference.

2. He needs you to affirm his manhood.

All boys, particularly a boy who doesn’t fit the mold, need to know that their status as a boy or man is not about performance or achievement. They don’t become men by liking trucks, sports, or action movies. They don’t become men by getting a six-pack, changing a tire, or holding back tears. They are men because God made them male. Their bodies—as diverse as male bodies can be—all bear witness to this, even at a cellular level. Consider how to affirm this boy’s manhood not as a status he earns and maintains, but as a gift that he receives and grows into—much like we receive our status as God’s adopted sons and grow into spiritual maturity. This boy will grow up and be a man. That’s not in question. The question is what kind of man will he be?

What could it look like to affirm this boy’s particular gifts and temperament as he grows into biblical manhood?

“I’m so proud of the man you are becoming.” 

“It took strength to pursue peace instead of revenge when that boy hurt you.” 

“I love what a creative man you are, like our Creator God!”

“I see your gentleness and patience with your younger siblings, like our Good Shepherd!”

“I love how you took the initiative to sit with the new boy at school who doesn’t speak English. You’re a good friend.” 

“It takes courage as a man to be vulnerable with your weaknesses. You inspire me to trust Jesus more!”

3. He needs you to challenge his sin.

It is important to affirm the fruit of the Spirit you see in this boy’s life, but like all boys who are in Christ, he is simultaneously a new creation and a fallen sinner. What do you do when you look in his heart and see the works of the flesh?

You might find pride or arrogance about his differences; maybe he’s thinking he’s better than other boys. You might see envy toward boys for whom life seems easier. Consider how you can challenge and correct these sinful attitudes and actions, even when they come from deep pain or shame. Remind him that in Christ, he is fully seen and securely loved.

4. He needs you to nurture his growth.

God didn’t make a mistake when he created this boy in his image. Our task as fathers, ministers, and mentors is not to mold or shape boys in our own likeness or into a cultural image of masculinity. We might as well take our clumsy chisel to a Michelangelo masterpiece thinking we could improve it. But boys do need our nurture—our protection, guidance, discipline, and love—as they grow into biblical manhood.³

When we nurture a boy entrusted to our care, rather than molding him, we start with the question: “What kind of man did God create this boy to be?” Then we ask, “How do I help him get there?” This involves helping him develop the particular gifts and passions God has given him. It may also involve walking alongside him to help him find connection and belonging within his community of godly men, especially when those gifts and passions might make him look like an outsider to that community. Discipling a boy in biblical manhood who doesn’t fit the mold requires humility and thoughtful action.

Just Like the Other Boys

When Tom turned 13, his dad took him on a fishing trip to Montana, and he’d always dreamed of doing the same thing with his own son. But today was Mason’s 13th birthday . . . and they were on the road to New York City. Tom had surprised Mason with tickets to his favorite Broadway musical. Mason had been singing the soundtrack for months. Tom still had no idea what it was about, but he loved watching his son come alive trying to explain it to him. As they drove, they talked about God and school and what Mason wanted to be when he grew up. They talked about sex and sin and the gospel. They talked about church and why Mason dreaded going to youth group.

“We always play ultimate frisbee after Bible study,’ Mason said. “I’m terrible, and no one wants me on their team. Last week, I just hid in the bathroom.”

“Oh buddy. I’m sorry to hear that. What if I showed you how to throw a frisbee when we get home?”

“Sure. That would be cool . . . but I am not watching the Super Bowl.”

“Deal.”

Tom smiled. Mason’s third grade teacher might have been wrong.

Mason is just like the other boys.

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1. Look no further than Jacob: the quiet, domestic, smooth-skinned boy who vibed best with his mom (Genesis 25:27–28; 27:11). ↩︎
2. Nancy Pearcey, Love Thy Body, 194 ↩︎
3. This concept of “nurturing” vs. “molding” boys is helpfully laid out by Stephen James and David Thomas in their book Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys. ↩︎

Click here to read Biblical Womanhood for Girls Who Don’t Fit the Mold.