Talking to Kids About Infidelity

If you’re a parent who has experienced sexual sin in your marriage—whether through your actions or your spouse’s—you may already have experience with talking to kids about infidelity.

This may have gone okay, it may have been extremely painful, or you may be left with questions about whether it was enough, too much, or just plain confusing. Please be encouraged that several messy discussions are better than having a “perfect” one-off conversation. The ripple effects of sexual sin mean that the situation will keep evolving—your understanding of what has happened will change, everyone’s emotions will be all over the place, and kids will keep thinking of more questions. The topic nearly always needs to be revisited.

If you feel convicted that you’ve said things to your kids that were unhelpful, you can always circle back to them to correct it and apologize. A parent’s apology and demonstration of their own need for the Lord can be one of the most powerful testimonies of the gospel that we can give to our kids!

To help you, as a parent, think through talking to kids about infidelity, the following general principles will prepare your heart and words for one of the most difficult conversations you might ever have with your children.

Begin and Continue in Prayer

Turn to prayer before speaking to your children about events that are likely to shape their understanding of family, identity, and God. You may be reeling from discovery or weary from years of betrayal, but wherever you find yourself, prayer will reorient your heart toward the Lord, bringing peace that does not depend on circumstances (Phil. 4:6–7).

Prayer invites the Lord to work beyond your own words and actions (Rom. 8:26). Only he can work in your child’s heart. No parent can speak into a situation like this perfectly, and no child will receive what’s said perfectly. Yet, it is a comfort that God’s hearing and answering of our prayers is perfect; he knows exactly what we need (Luke 11:9–13, Rom. 8:28), and he carries our little ones close to his heart (Isa. 40:11).

Care for Your Own Heart

It’s difficult to love others well while suffering deeply yourself. Before, during, and after talking to kids about infidelity, turn to the Lord to seek care for your heart. Church leaders, close friends, support groups, exercise, wise books, professional counselors, and times of personal rest can all be instruments of his care. Receiving care from others does not signal failure as a parent—it is part of how God equips and sustains us.

Be Aware of Timing

Parents are rarely in control of when these conversations happen; children often sense tension, overhear arguments, or discover evidence themselves. While you may not control when the topic arises, you can shape how you engage. You can decide whether to respond immediately or suggest a better time and setting. You can consider who should be present—whether to speak alone, together with your spouse, or with another trusted adult. You will be aware of what your child will move into after the conversation—school, bedtime, or downtime—and you can plan accordingly.

Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Infidelity throws a whole family into chaos. Boundaries become blurred, routines get dropped, and emotional needs become tangled. It can be tempting to lean on your child for comfort, to over-share, and to draw your child into taking sides.

Remember that even in this crisis, your role as the parent is to provide safety, stability, and care for your child’s heart. This shepherding posture will shape both what you share and how you share it.

When talking to kids about infidelity, questions like these might be helpful guides:

• How can I talk to my child about the ways they have been impacted by our marital struggles?
• What are their fears? How can I reassure them and point them to the Lord?
• What imminent changes can I prepare them for?

Your position as a parent does not mean that you won’t show emotion or make mistakes in your communication with your child! In fact, showing emotion can be helpful in communicating the seriousness of the situation and modelling what it looks like to express emotion with love. Making mistakes in how you communicate as a parent will provide opportunities to demonstrate that you, too, need a Savior. If you use hasty, harsh, or sinful words in front of your child, take this opportunity to model a godly response to sin as you seek forgiveness from those you’ve wronged and demonstrate how to walk in repentance in how you communicate. God will use your faithfulness and humility for his glory!

Love Your Spouse as You Speak with Your Child

Talking to your kids about your spouse with love and restraint might be one of the most difficult principles to follow. This is not something you can expect to do without the Spirit’s help! If you have been betrayed, the temptation to blame and accuse is strong. If you have sinned, shame and defensiveness might shape your words. Jesus calls us all to humility and love—even when it’s costly—and he provides all we need to obey (1 Cor. 10:13). Each of these passages can shape your prayers and responses to your spouse: Proverbs 8:32–36, Philippians 2:1–11, Romans 12, and Matthew 5:43–48.

Parental Disagreement When Talking to Kids About Infidelity

Loving your spouse does not mean submitting to requests for secrecy. A spouse involved in sexual sin may resist necessary conversations with your children and may not support you seeking care for yourself if it means disclosing their sin to someone else. However, you need care for your heart and will most likely need support for your marriage and parenting. It’s important to seek advice from wise and discreet people, even if your spouse does not agree.

Know Your Child

As parents, our task is to know our children—their personality, maturity, and ways of processing—and to tailor our interactions accordingly. Every child is unique, and they don’t necessarily fit into developmental categories! Some children benefit from literal speech grounded in the here-and-now, while others of the same age can think abstractly. Some children can express themselves verbally, while other children struggle with this and might be more able to connect through stories and shared activities.

Age-Specific Considerations for Talking to Kids About Infidelity

Young Children (Ages 2–6)

Young children operate with simple concepts and limited vocabulary, but they’re often very perceptive. They notice emotions, changes in routine, and the presence (or absence) of familiar people.

The most effective way to engage with young children is through the questions they ask. Your five-year-old might say, “Daddy, why are you sad?” or “Why isn’t Mommy coming to church?” Respond simply and honestly, without overwhelming them:

“Daddy hurt Mommy’s feelings, which is making me sad.”
“Mommy feels very sad right now and needs to take a break from coming to church with me.”

Use simple vocabulary, resist the urge to explain more than they’re asking, and invite further questions. This is not a time to teach about sexual sin, but a time to provide safety and care.

In preverbal or non-verbal children, distress is often expressed through behavioral changes rather than words—sleep disruptions, clinginess, regression, or physical complaints. Although this is normal, it might help to talk to your child’s doctor if you’re worried.

Bear in mind that your body language will communicate a lot to your child even when they don’t understand your words. Your calmness, eye contact, physical affection, and consistency all signal safety and love.

Tweens (Ages 7–12)

Children in this stage are developing stronger reasoning skills and a growing sense of morality. They understand more complex concepts like promises, loyalty, forgiveness, and divorce, as well as complex emotions like guilt, shame, loneliness, and rejection.

Again, allow yourself to be led by your child’s questions and reactions to the situation. They will be drawing their own conclusions and need your guidance. Depending on maturity, it may be appropriate to share what’s happened in broad, age-appropriate terms—phrases like “broken trust,” “failure to love,” and “sin” can all be shared. If you speak to your child together, the parent who has sinned may acknowledge wrongdoing and the other parent may acknowledge the impact of that hurt. Together, you may be able to communicate steps being taken toward healing and provide reassurance that is centered on truth.

If your home environment is tense and your child is struggling to cope, involving a trusted adult or counselor can be invaluable. Therapists, particularly those who use creative approaches like art or play, can help children express and process their emotions.

Teens (Ages 13–18)

Children are still developing physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually into their late teens and twenties. Most teens have some understanding of sex and infidelity, but this does not mean they’re ready for detailed information.

Before you talk to your child, it’s important to consider what you’re ready to share and what you want to keep private. Your marriage and sexuality are deeply personal, and your heart matters. Your teen’s character and the nature of your relationship with them are likely to affect this decision.

If you decide to talk to your teen about your or your spouse’s infidelity, sharing categories of sin might help them make sense of what’s happening in their family—but refrain from explicit details. For example, using the term “pornography” might be helpful, but disclosing the type, source, or extent of use is unnecessary and could be harmful to your child.

When talking to kids about infidelity, try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes. What have they observed? How are they interpreting it? What fears might they be carrying? Listen carefully, seeking to be slow to speak. Be curious about any changes you notice in their emotions or behavior (both at home and in other contexts) and approach them with gentleness and grace. Ask them if there are ways you or your spouse can help.

Preparing your teen for change can foster trust and reduce uncertainty. Changes in living arrangements, household routines, budgeting, and internet access are important to share, along with any increased involvement from others outside the family.

While infidelity shakes a family to its core and can leave both parents and children feeling pain and uncertainty, God’s care is steadfast. He can bring healing, growth and restoration out of what is broken. Thankfully, our children do not need flawless parents—they need parents who return repeatedly to the Lord and to their kids, who model repentance and grace, and who point them to their faithful Savior.

Recommended Resources

For Parents:

Caring For the Souls of Children: A Biblical Counselor’s Manual edited by Amy Baker

Building Bridges: Biblical Counseling Activities for Children and Teens by Julie Lowe

Children and Divorce: Helping When Life Interrupts by Amy Baker

When Children Experience Trauma: What to Do When Something Scary Happens by Darby Strickland

Helping Your Children with Change: Holding Fast to God During Upheaval by Darby Strickland

For Younger Children:

The Moon Is Always Round by Jonny Gibson

Something Scary Happened (Comfort for Children in Hard Times) Hardcover by Darby Strickland

Arlo and the Great Big Cover-Up by Betsy Childs Howard

A Big Change Happened: Helping Children through Upheaval (Comfort for Children in Hard Times) by Darby A. Strickland

Found: Psalm 23 by Sally Lloyd-Jones