What Is Sexting and What Can Parents Do?
The Atlantic has a distressing but highly informative article on teen sexting, “Why Kids Sext.” If you read it, be prepared to be distressed and unnerved.
It’s not just distressing because of the sexting—teens taking naked photos of themselves and sending them to others, usually boyfriends. It’s also distressing because of what appears to be a “so what” attitude by these same kids about sexting. While the majority of teens who sext do so consensually, terrible unintended consequences can occur. The article points out several. And even more disturbing are those situations where teen girls cave to relentless pressure to send photos to boys. That’s not only manipulative, it can turn criminal when the naked photo of a minor is distributed online.
But despite changing attitudes about sexting, one thing remains: the double-standard of girls losing out and being shamed while boys are seemingly immune from consequences. In the ongoing descent into sexual chaos which our culture pushes, some things never change.
It’s an article worth reading by every parent. But what should a parent do about sexting? Let me suggest four ways to respond.
1. Don’t react in fear.
I suggest you don’t grab your child’s cell phone and demand to look at what’s in it (though you might very much want to do that!). And don’t rush to punish your teen if he or she has been found sexting. You won’t win your child’s heart by overreacting, and that’s the key here. Behavior is important because behavior has real-world consequences, but character is paramount. Helping your child understand her heart is what will ultimately help her shape her behavior to do what is right—and honor God in the process.
2. Don’t shut down technology access.
Taking away the cellphone or restricting internet use won’t really work to stop sexting in the long run. Technology is too embedded in our kids’ lives (and ours), and trying to shut down what is ubiquitous, and what society is increasingly relying on, will only drive your teen underground. Trying to control our kids’ lives will only train them to be deceptive. It’s not control you want over your child’s life; it’s involvement in their life.
3. Wisely interact with your teen.
Parents need to wisely interact with their teens regarding their technology use, specifically regarding sexting. Yes, they need monitoring. They need supervision and guidance. Think long and hard before giving your young child a smartphone. They are fun, informative, fascinating—and potentially dangerous. They can be portals to some of the darkest corners of life. Are your children using smartphones, tablets, laptops, and video game devices? Unless you oversee their usage and know where they are going on the web, they WILL access bad sites and may engage with people who can seriously harm them. And you won’t know about any of this because web browsers are now almost universally private when it comes to concealing the history of accessed websites. Effective filters and accountability software should be as mandatory in homes as smoke-detectors. Seriously.
4. Talk with your kids.
Start talking to your children about sex and their sexuality. Parents’ silence is driving our kids to the most broken places on the planet to learn about sex—on the internet—and increasingly they are emulating the practices and standards of pornography as normal. But God’s message on sex is that it is a gift to be given in a committed, covenantal union between a husband and wife. Protecting it until that time comes is not only ideal, but also realistic. It’s not easy in today’s over-sexualized culture, but protecting our children regarding sex and sexting is not unattainable, either. Honoring God with our sexuality is worth pursuing—for ourselves, and for our children.
We can help our children navigate this journey. But they need us to speak up. They need us to be involved, helping them see and understand what God says about using his gift of sex and how their hearts need continual direction to align their sexuality with sound, wise, life-affirming biblical practices.
The benefits and blessings of managing their sexuality are life-long. When you show them the way, you’ll be learning how to live with this awesome gift, too.
To learn more how to talk to your kids about sex and how to oversee their use of technology, check out Harvest USA’s mini books, like iSnooping on your Kid: Parenting in an Internet Age and What’s Wrong with a Little Porn when You’re Single?
