Hope for Parents When Truth Divides

Christians know that truth is objective and objectively good—in fact, truth is a Person. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” But remember how he continued that statement: “No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, my emphasis). As the following story illustrates, if we accept Christ’s claims, we must reckon with the difficult reality that truth divides.

Lucy is wide awake at 3 am. She is not only at that stage of life where sleep can often be interrupted and elusive, but she and Dan, her husband, have just learned something which has rocked their world. Their 20-year-old son is now identifying as a woman. He no longer wants to be called by his so-called “dead name,” and insists that they use she/her pronouns when referring to him.

Dan is flummoxed by all this. While Lucy has spiraled into a dark place of depression and grief, Dan buries himself in his work. They both wonder how this happened. They have an intact, happy marriage and stable family life. They’re committed church members with a long track record of faithful service in and outside the church. They have two other children who both profess Christ and faithfully attend church. Their older child is married and seems as clueless as them about his brother’s new identity. The younger sister is not totally on board, but seems to have adopted the current cultural philosophy of ‘live and let live.’

But Dan and Lucy are struggling to understand what happened to their son. He was a happy, well-adjusted boy growing up with a strong affinity for sports, playing in the woods, and hunting with Dan. He never showed any signs of gender dysphoria, though he now claims to have struggled since he was 12 years old. He made a public profession of faith as a young teen and was heavily involved in the youth group, including youth mission trips every summer. He could recite Scripture from memory better than either of his siblings, and he seemed to be instrumental in leading some of his high school classmates to faith in Christ.

Dan and Lucy keep asking why and how this happened. They’re desperate to find something to pin it all on so they can fix it. They cannot accept this new identity—new name, new pronouns—as it is all a lie. They catalog all their sins and failings as parents and repeatedly confess these to the Lord, begging for his forgiveness. They are truly shattered.

The above story is fictional in that I created the names and particulars. But it’s a composite of many real parents and families and the stories we hear from them on a weekly basis at Harvest USA. The parents who reach out for help are shocked at their child’s newfound identity and the separation and distance resulting from it. They expect persecution from the world and unbelievers, but not from their own beloved children. 

Truth and Error Will Collide

Christ’s words in Matthew 10:34–38 and Luke 12:51–53 are so helpful in this situation. Christ told his disciples that, although they thought he came to bring peace, he actually came to bring a sword which would cause division. The sword he speaks of is his truth. Truth and error cannot coexist. If we hold firmly to the truth, we will experience the consequences of that commitment.

Christ is telling us in Matthew and Luke to not be surprised when truth and error collide and even the closest family ties are affected. He says fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law will be divided against each other because of the truth.  

Truth and error cannot coexist. If we hold firmly to the truth, we will experience the consequences of that commitment.

While many voices in the church are telling us to do anything to maintain a relationship with children who are embracing an LGBTQ+ identity, they sometimes fail to recognize that truth divides. It may lead to division in families no matter how hard one tries to hold on to a relationship. 

I have yet to talk with a parent who is hardened toward their child in such a way that they want to cut off the relationship. Yet simply not affirming sinful behavior is the very thing many LGBTQ+ identifying children are using to justify either total estrangement from their parents or a distance that is excruciatingly painful.

Truth Divides — But Also Sets Us Free

We have five points of encouragement for these parents: 

1. Don’t be surprised. Christ, himself, told us this could happen.
2. Don’t lose heart (2 Cor. 4:16–18). God is still sovereign over this situation and in it for good—yes, even in this (Rom. 8:28).
3. Don’t abandon the truth, because biblical love always rejoices in the truth (1 Cor. 13:6). 
4. Be patient and wait on the Lord (Ps. 27:14). Remember that his timetable is not ours.
5. And finally, pray without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17).

A dear saint whom I highly esteem told me that, when her son came out to her as gay and told her she was welcome to attend his same-sex wedding, she responded to him with a short, handwritten note: “I love you too much to affirm what God says is destructive to you.” He never responded to her and proceeded to cut her off for many years. From that painful experience, she learned that loving her son by sticking to truth was costly.

I think this is what Christ is getting at in Matthew 10:36 when he says, “And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household,” and then, “whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (v. 37b).

Parents who choose to honor God and love their children according to the truth in this way will suffer. But they’re also an anchor to truth for their children in a world that pushes believers to cave and shave the truth for the sake of relationships. 

Relationships can never be our ultimate goal. Honoring God and pointing our precious children to God’s truth and to the Savior—their greatest need—is our highest calling as parents. Dear parent of a wandering child, stay the course. Christ, our Captain, is at the helm. Yes, truth divides, but truth also sets us free.