Am I Asexual?
July 3, 2024

Am I Asexual?

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Laura is 24 and single. Having just completed grad school, she is fresh on a career track, serving her church, and settling into a new stage of her adult life. At night the glow of her phone illuminates her face as she scrolls TikTok before bed. “Am I asexual? Take the quiz!” Out of curiosity, she takes the 15-question quiz.

“I like hugging and cuddling, but don’t want more.” Yep.

“I can’t think of the last time I had a crush.” That’s me.

“I don’t react like my friends do to an attractive person.” Definitely!

“The idea of sex sounds scary to me.” Yikes! Check.

“I’d prefer romance without sex if I had it my way.” Absolutely.

Laura’s quiz results surprise her: “You might be asexual!” Laura knows that identifying as LGBTQ+ would not line up with her Christian beliefs, but what about being asexual? Could Laura be an “ace” (asexual) Christian? In this confusing cultural landscape, how is she to make sense of what she feels—and doesn’t feel? 

Are You Also Asking “Am I Asexual?”

If you can relate to Laura’s experience, here are some ideas to consider.

Know where your ideas about sex come from.

Sex and sexuality, as it’s portrayed in our culture and media, is a scary landscape. It makes sense to feel avoidant of sex as it’s portrayed in pop culture and porn. Being used, treated like an object, or having to meet an impossible beauty standard to be loved are all evil and godless caricatures of distorted “sex.” The worldview that pornography portrays should rightly disgust and alarm us, and the way sex is portrayed on Netflix is absolutely foreign to what God designed.

Sex should be a place of cherishing, exclusive love, safety, commitment, and celebration—all within the marriage covenant and one-ness of life. It should not surprise us when we see Gen Z women—the primary recipient of harm portrayed in pornography and hook-up culture—identifying as ace in higher numbers. God calls that portrayal of sex evil and grieves it along with you.   

Suffering hurts and shapes us.

Have you had unique suffering in your past through sexual trauma, abuse, betrayal, or loss? This suffering can contribute to wounds that lead some to feel shut down in the world of sexual desires. Sex and sexual expression may now be scary, disgusting, or fraught, and it feels safe and fitting to identify as ace for these reasons. But God is compassionate to you in your fears and desires for safety, and he grieves evil in all its forms. Remember, amid your suffering, that God is for you.

It should not surprise us when we see Gen Z women—the primary recipient of harm portrayed in pornography and hook-up culture—identifying as ace in higher numbers.

If you’ve suffered from depression or anxiety and take an SSRI, these medications have known side effects of sexual dysfunction even after they are discontinued, and can impact sexual desire. 

Identity and sexual orientation labels can distract us from our true identity.

Why not say “I’m an ace Christian,” and move on with your life? Because of your identity. Christians hold a pretty unique view of themselves compared to any culture and time within which they’ve existed. Christians believe that they are not their own, they’ve been bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19–20) and are now loved by Jesus for all eternity (John 15:9).

Before you bristle at not owning your own life, pause and consider the hope of that reality. Christ Jesus has made you his own (Phil. 3:12); he rejoices over you like a groom seeing his beloved bride walking down the aisle toward him (Isa. 62:5). God calls you forgiven, beloved, holy, and chosen (Col. 3). When Jesus unites himself to you in salvation, you no longer have to base your identity on your ever-changing desires or lack of desires, but on the unchanging nature of your Redeemer. It’s a matter of identity. 

A compelling command in Romans 6:11 also helps orient us around questions of identity as Christians:

“Consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”

How do you consider yourself? What looms largest, your question “am I asexual” or the things Jesus says about you? He is tender-hearted toward the ways you’ve suffered or felt angry over your lack of sexual desire. He is your ready and willing Savior, able to deliver you from your distress (Ps. 107)—yes, even in your confusion over your lack of sexual desire.

The Golden Question

Is it sin to not desire sex? It depends. Is your lack of desire rooted in an ungodly fear or derision of men or women? Do you feel that identifying this way will provide you with the sense of safety you crave? These represent expressions of identity that tempt us to turn from God and towards other things to find safety, protection, or power. But God is the rock of refuge to whom we may continually come (Ps. 71:3). No other identity or community can give us this refuge that our hearts rightly long for.

When Jesus unites himself to you in salvation, you no longer have to base your identity on your ever-changing desires or lack of desires, but on the unchanging nature of your Redeemer.

Jesus invites you to come to him in your weariness, your suffering, and whatever else may have contributed to you feeling so at home in the asexual world. As your Maker, he knows how to help you walk amid the suffering and brokenness of this life. 

Isn’t It Better Not to Desire Sex? 

Could it be a benefit to not experience sexual desire, especially as a single person? God is always communicating something about himself in the things he has made and his perfect law. Longing for sexual union is just one of the many pictures of the gospel we’re given in the natural world. It’s telling a bigger story than just “wanting sex.”

However, all men and women will experience variability in their sexual desire, and some will experience no sexual desire at all. Unchosen lack of sexual desire may simply arise out of broken and fall-impacted hearts. It may also be a special grace some have in their singleness. Lack of desire for sex in and of itself is a morally neutral experience, and for some it may be a blessing in their single years.

The Lord is compassionate toward you if you are wrestling with your lack of sexual desire and wondering if you’re asexual. Seek him on this—he is the way for you to take, the truth you need, and your vibrant life (John 14:6).

Contact Harvest USA today if you want help understanding biblical sexuality and encouragement walking in sexual integrity.

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Caitlin McCaffrey

Director of Women's Ministry

Caitlin McCaffrey is the Director of Women’s Ministry at Harvest USA. She holds a BA in liberal studies from The Master’s University and an MA in teaching with an emphasis in applied behavior analysis from National University. She is a board-certified behavior analyst and certified brain injury specialist with training in trauma recovery and biblical counseling.

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