Why Couples Who Are Considering Marriage Need to Share Their Sexual History

Years ago, I heard a heartbreaking story from a young woman who had just passed her first wedding anniversary. She had come to me for help because her husband was wrestling with an ongoing pursuit of pornography, and his sin was breaking apart the already fragile foundation in their young marriage. But what was especially sad for me is that she had found out about this struggle of his only two weeks before their wedding, at their final premarital counseling session. I thought to myself, “What?” He had hidden this from her for the 18 months leading up to this moment.

Another wife I knew found out six months into her marriage that in his single years her husband had had many sexual encounters with men and had brought $50,000 of debt into the marriage.

Now, lest you think I have a bent only towards men who cover up, there have been a lot of women over the years that I’ve discipled who, because of their own shame, fears, and insecurity, did not disclose things like sexual fantasy, habitual masturbation, or same-sex attraction to the man that they were now married to.

Brothers and sisters, God has a better, wiser, grace-enabled way for those who are dating and seriously considering marriage. It could be summed up in Romans 12:9-10: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Sincere love means no acting, no masks, no hiding key aspects of who you are and how you specifically are needy of Christ. That includes past and ongoing struggles with sexual sin. Honoring someone more than yourself includes cultivating a relationship that is dependent on Jesus, rather than being centered on each other or trying to make a good impression at the cost of authenticity.

Because of Christ’s gracious and tender love for us, we also can have courage and humility to be honest about our sexual struggles and history. So many people are told, “You don’t need to let her know about this,” or, “What good will it do for him to know this part of your story?” If driven by fear, this kind of withholding of information actually represents an alliance with the Fall rather than the redemption that is ours in Jesus. Remember what Adam and Eve did after they gave way to sin? They hid, covered up, and were fearful. In Christ, we are known, loved, covered with his righteousness, and forgiven. Men and women who are pursuing each other as a potential spouse need to live humbly and courageously in his righteousness.

Let’s be honest. Dating can be both scary and exhilarating. The excitement of enjoying someone and being attracted, and having that reciprocated, can be intoxicating. And there can also be feelings of anxiety and insecurity: “Would she, could he really love me if they knew the whole deal, the real deal of my past, my current private life?”

Well, the gospel of grace enables men and women to first humbly and radically pursue repentance and wholeness regarding sexuality and any struggles that they have. Then, with Christ at the center of the relationship, both partners can walk forward, slowly and intentionally unfolding their lives to one another.

Finally, does this seem overwhelming? Well, don’t go it alone. Seek counsel, help, accountability, and encouragement from spiritually mature friends and mentors.

You know what’s even better than someone saying, “I love you, and I want to marry you”? It’s somebody saying that with all sincerity, and knowing you as fully as possible premarriage. This is the way of Christ: honest and sincere love that leads to the goodness of knowing each other and honoring one another above yourself. This is the path of Christ, and it’s a good one for dating couples.