Dealing with Desires: Stuff, Deny, Embrace… or Something Else?

Who remembers Veruca Salt, the bratty kid in the popular children’s story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? You know, the girl who brazenly demanded to have whatever she wanted now, regardless of the mayhem that resulted from all of her selfish behavior. Truth be told, I’m a lot more like her than different. All too often, I make demands. I want comfort now, with as little effort as possible.

Desires are a tricky thing to understand, aren’t they? I don’t want to fall into Veruca’s demanding, pound-the-table-with-a-selfish-fist attitude. But I also don’t want to be shy about talking to God about my feelings, pain, disappointments, and desires.

Sometimes we carelessly offer and receive advice about how to deal with desires. We’re told that desires should be tamed, stuffed, denied, or fully embraced, fully expressed, and sometimes spiritualized in a way that isn’t biblical. Consider these examples.

“Hey, just go with it, man. You do you.” In other words, go for the gusto; express whatever you feel.

Or, “Stop thinking about your feelings so much. You just need to trust God and move on.” In other words, deny what you’re feeling and stuff it.

“But I’ve had these desires for as long as I can remember. Surely God would want me to have them, right?” In other words, embrace your desires without discrimination and let them rule you.

What about this one? “Whoa! Calm down, sister friend! You seem so excited! Is that a godly thing for a Christian to feel?” In other words, feeling deeply with emotion is wrong, so cultivate stoicism and numb yourself.

And finally, a personal fave: “Now, hon, you do know that God gives us the desires of our hearts when we are 100% satisfied in him, right? Trust him. Then he’ll give you exactly what you want, making all your dreams come true.” In other words, just add a touch of spiritual vocabulary and a dash of Disney, and you really can have the best pain-free life possible.

What’s missing in all this? Jesus.

Desires are a part of our human experience. They’re an aspect of our humanity, which is disordered and impacted by sin. So our desires need transformation through Christ. You know, Jesus explained more than once that desires and our behavioral responses are birthed in our hearts. You’ll read about that in passages like Luke 6:43-45 and Matthew 15:19.

You know, our Harvest USA staff consistently have conversations with men and women who never realize that their struggles with sexual sin, such as pornography, fantasy, or any kind of sexual encounter outside of marriage, are rooted in unmet desires that ultimately have nothing to do with the physical pleasure that sexual activity can bring. No, we pursue sin to numb the pain when desires for things like control, love, and comfort aren’t satisfied.

Our desires, like every part of our lives, need the redemption and refocusing that can only come from the radical reorientation of the gospel. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can grow in discerning what desires are ruling us and how they motivate us towards dependence and obedience, or independence from God and sin.

Best yet, because of the heart transformation that happens through our union with Jesus, any desire can slowly come under the loving lordship of King Jesus. Desires are powerful, but they don’t define us, and they absolutely do not have to enslave us to sin.

Are you wrestling today, brother or sister, in the realm of your desires? You have a high priest in Jesus who knows and invites you to come to him for help.

In my sane moments, when I’m walking by faith, I’ve offered a prayer that goes something like this over many years. I pray, “Lord, keep my heart awake and desirous to what you desire for me, and keep me asleep to what you don’t want for me, even as I keep my hopes set on you. Rescue me from desires that are sinful and dishonoring to you. For you, Lord, are the one who daily bears my burdens and delivers me faithfully time after time. Amen.”