With so much capturing our children’s attention—from smartphones to video games to social media—there are serious dangers they face in a world where problematic technology exists at their fingertips. The best solution is to jump in and manage all the technology that is used by everyone in the family. But for many parents, the mere thought of doing that brings up fear: fear of technological inadequacy and fear of World War III battles for control with their kids.
Sadly, tragically, the typical response most parents take is to ignore the threat and deny that their kids could look at porn: “Not my kids!” But such denial is leaving our kids defenseless, ushering them into a future of hidden sexual struggles, eroding faith, and relational brokenness. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Here are four key parenting strategies that, once started, can set your family on a path of not just sexual integrity, but honesty, transparency, and mutual dependency upon God and one another.
1: You need to talk about the good and the bad of technology.
Technology is not the villain here. But you need to think of it as a gateway; what are you going to allow through? What you allow through that gate will, if you open it enough, take up residence in the minds and hearts of your children.
You need to talk with them about both the upsides and the downsides of technology in a way that communicates respect for technology. You want them to understand what using technology can do for good, but also for evil. So you need to talk about the dark side of technology, about pornography and the worldview it teaches, and why you want to protect them from that. They need to understand that looking at pornography is much more than staring at naked bodies, it’s allowing in a corrupt and deviant worldview of sex and relationships that will erode the goodness of sex in the way that God has designed, and even, for some, entrap them in destructively addictive behavior.
2: You need to be their parent. Take charge.
You need to be their parent. You’re in charge of guiding them. You need to implement boundaries and controls over the family’s use of technology. That might not be popular, but it is absolutely necessary. Today, parents are fearful of, well, being parents. Parents have the right and the responsibility to oversee and inspect their kid’s devices and take them away if they misuse them. If you don’t, one day in the future their employer will when they misuse technology at their workplace.
This means using more technology to oversee how they are using their devices. I’m talking parental filters, accountability software, imposing time limits, and regularly checking in on what they are looking at. Do not see this as being an impossible task! It’s a bottom-line necessity. Letting them roam the internet without supervision is like dropping a young child off in a major city and letting them get home on their own. You just wouldn’t do that.
Be their parent first, before trying to be their friend. They will one day thank you for that.
3: You are not their Big Brother (or NSA).
But being their parent does not translate into a license to control them or deny them any privacy. You don’t want your oversight of their use of technology to be a Big Brother (or in current terms, an NSA—National Security Agency) experience. Supervising them is not secretly peering over their shoulder all the time.
Letting them roam the internet without supervision is like dropping a young child off in a major city and letting them get home on their own. You just wouldn’t do that.
So how do you not be a Big Brother? Basically, you will always tell them what steps you are taking, what you are doing, and why you are doing it. You will be checking up on them, but you will always be reminding them why you are doing this. You will keep them in the loop on everything. No secrets. No behind-the-back snooping that they are not aware of. Everything should be out in the open.
4: We’re all in this together.
Here is the “buy-in” that will help your children with this plan: We’re all in this together. The blocking, the restrictions, and the oversight include you, too. Why is this important? One, kids resent things they think are unfair. It helps them when no one is excluded. Two, as a parent you’re not free of this kind of temptation, either. When you visibly show that you also need help in managing sexual boundaries, you demonstrate how important it is to protect this gift that God has given to us.
You can’t shield your children from the world, nor should you. Ultimately, you can’t protect your children from the dangers of pornography unless you also teach them about God’s good design for sex and sexuality. You don’t want to teach about sex from an entirely negative slant, if all you do is talk about the dangers of misused sex.
There is a profound beauty about sex when it is boundaried in a committed, covenantal, self-giving relationship of marriage between a man and a woman. You need to do more than just tell your kids to wait; you need to talk, explain, and equip them to grow into the character of a future husband or wife for the glory of God.
And this involves you being a wise gatekeeper of technology.