A Couple’s Journey to Intimacy after Sexual Betrayal

Intimacy after Sexual Betrayal: Can you explain what happened in your marriage regarding sexual unfaithfulness?

Drew: I confessed to Tilina for the very first time that the reason for my lack of sexual intimacy with her was my addiction, my stronghold to pornography. I had not confessed that to her, had not made that known, and that was the reasoning for my lack of intimacy with her.

Tilina: It was shocking. The man that I had married, I thought I didn’t know him anymore. He was looking at multiple women, and me, his wife, he didn’t want to have sex with. So I was devastated. That hurt me to the core.

How did the growth in your emotional and spiritual intimacy impact the restoration of your sexual intimacy?

Tilina: Oh, it impacted it tremendously. I had to sort through my feelings: my feelings of insecurity, my feelings of feeling unloved, not being enough, or thinking I’m not enough. Once I sorted those out, I had to bring them to God’s feet. I had to bring them there and commune with him, continually in fellowship. And then it was then that he showed me that I am loved by him, that he does love me, and that I am good enough. Romans 8:28 tells us that God is working all things out for the glory of those who love him. So I then knew that God is working this out for his glory.

And then also, collectively, we did a sex fast. Contrary to what people might think, we did a 90-day sex fast, and it was tremendously healthy for our sex life. Drew had a lot of remnants from the pornography use, and chemically his brain had to be rewired, and then also he just needed to refocus on Christ. And I myself, prior to the sex fast, I was having sex with him because I didn’t want him to look at porn. There was no love element there. And then he also was having sex with me because he didn’t want me to think he was looking at porn. So again, there was no intimacy. If anything, it was very, very minimal. But all those things that I mentioned, they drew us closer to God. We were able to then see how God looks at sex, and what its purpose is, and how it’s a beautiful expression of Christ’s love for us.

Drew: I felt like I was fully known and exposed now, and that now I had to be vulnerable. And now when I look at her… I just felt like I wouldn’t be loved if I’m fully known by someone else. So that was part of my conviction and my spiritual walk with the Lord. And now that I have the covenant eyes of the Lord on me, and that awakening and that realization of the Lord’s… of his fear, his sovereignty, his greatness, his majesty, that he would come into the crevices of my darkened heart, and he sees the basement and he shines his light all over, and he says, “Man, I love you, and I want you, and I desire you, and I just want to pour my grace all over you.” And that was a life changer for me there. And that’s what helped me be able to navigate through some dark, dark times in the midst of betrayal, and the lack of intimacy, and the lack of spiritual intimacy with the Lord, ultimately.

What practical wisdom would you give to couples going through similar experiences?

Tilina: It is going to be a tough road. Rebuilding intimacy is very, very hard once you’ve been damaged or hurt. And I think that one of the biggest things would be affection. You want to show each other affection, whether it’s hugs, cuddling, kissing; that type of thing will create intimacy. And then there’s times where you don’t want to be touched. I had times, multiple times, where I didn’t. And talking spoke volumes. Talking things out, we had spent nights up talking for hours. And then also I would say, trust God. Trust God. I couldn’t trust Drew multiple times throughout this journey, but God showed me who he was, and through that, through trusting God, I was able to then trust Drew. He developed my trust for him. And then I would say just be consistent. Be consistent in all you’re doing to further your intimacy with each other.

Drew: I would urge, from the spouse aspect, to be graceful and patient and loving in the midst. And sometimes you get this feeling that you want to be the Holy Spirit, or maybe a CSI detective. So I would say be patient and trust in the Lord.

And for the guys: love is an action, right? So you must go to war. This is a warfare. You must go to war, you must equip yourself, and you must go, and you must woo, and grab, and gravitate, and take back the love that God has given you in your spouse, in your wife. And just love her, and listen to her, and really see the needs, and just be so concerned, and be vulnerable. Expose yourself, share the darkness, and share the things that she might not like, that you might not even want anybody to see. But in the midst of that, that’s the counterintuitive nature of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it works in and through exposing and just loving, that she can love you through your mess the same way that God’s agape love loves you through your mess. So when you see love’s value, love becomes a comprehensive working of a person. You see, this Jesus love just comes all together like a gospel gumbo.

So I want to encourage couples just to continue to be intimate, to have a date night, to take strolls, just to talk and communicate, drop the phones, drop the distraction, and just build the romance back.