Coming Out: Five Things Parents Must Do—Part 2

Coming Out: Five Things Parents Must Do

If you are a Christian parent who has a son or daughter who just came out as gay or transgender, this can be a traumatic experience for you. I so often hear from parents describing their pain like a sudden death in the family, grieving the loss of their child, or at least the child they thought they had, and all the hopes and dreams that came with them.

There can be everything from fear and despair to anger, regret, guilt, and shame that is part of this experience. Not only are you mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your child, but you are fearing the worst as you consider what the future holds for them. Those of you who have been walking this road a little longer know that the severity of these feelings may lessen over time, but still rise up to the surface at any given moment. For most of you, this is one of the hardest things you are going through as a parent.

Turn to the Lord for Comfort

Now I want to encourage you: it is natural for you to want to do everything you can to help your son or daughter, but you must not neglect all that is happening in your heart too. You need to be honest with what you’re experiencing as a result of your child’s situation, and get the help you need to heal and process what you’re feeling. God does not intend for you to carry this burden on your own.

Jesus gives a curious word to us in Matthew 5. He says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” What is Christ saying here? He calls those who mourn blessed because they have available to them the comfort of God. God wants you to let him in on all that you’re feeling, and invite him to speak in return through his Word. He wants to comfort you. Not only so, but he has given you others in the body of Christ to share this burden you have.

Don’t Bear the Burden Alone

I know this can be a scary thing. You may feel crippled by shame and afraid of what others might think, but you cannot bear this burden on your own. So I ask you, do you have one other person who really knows what’s going on? Do you have a pastor, a friend, a church member? Are you asking others to pray for you and your child?

Another reason you need others in this process is because, if you’re honest, your heart can respond in sinful and even damaging ways to all that you’re experiencing, to your child and to your own life. Maybe initially you responded to your child out of anger or frustration, or you find yourself rebuking them over and over again, causing them to become distant and even cold towards you. Has this situation revealed these kinds of areas of sin in your own heart?

Jesus says in Luke 6:45, “From the overflow of our heart, our mouth will speak.” We all need help from God and others to not only process the pain we experience, but also keep in check the sinful ways that we can act, in our thoughts and behaviors, in response. I encourage you to confront that shame and fear that keeps you isolated, and to reach out to a trusted pastor or friend who can listen and help care for you and what is in your heart.