Walking with Wives in Betrayal and Forgiveness
A significant part of my role as director of women’s ministry at Harvest USA includes the privilege of leading our biblical support groups for wives. Wives come to us from many different painful circumstances; their husbands have been using pornography, having affairs, hiring prostitutes, cross dressing, or engaging in anonymous sexual encounters with men, women, or both. Yet one of the most painful things they share is a faith battle over betrayal and forgiveness.
I’ve sat with women through anguished tears as they asked faith-filled questions like these:
“My pastor/counselor/friend told me that since he confessed, I have to forgive him immediately. But I’m not ready! What should I do?”
“Does forgiving mean I’m saying it didn’t hurt?”
“Is it okay to desire that he feels this pain with me?”
“Can I forgive him if he’s still being deceptive?”
“My husband keeps telling me that everytime I tell him I’m triggered, it proves I’ve not forgiven him; is that true?”
“Is forgiving and restoring trust the same thing?”
Each of these significant questions could be an article on its own and requires individualized care and shepherding. It’s beyond the scope of this piece to cover each one, but I hope you might begin to feel the weight of this painful process for a wife by reading these heart-rending questions. What these dear women bear is so much heavier than mere questions. Their hearts are broken.
Understand Jesus’s Command to Forgive
The topic of betrayal and forgiveness is weighty for wounded wives. In our resource Jesus & Your Unwanted Journey: Wives Finding Comfort After Sexual Betrayal, we’ve devoted an entire chapter to forgiveness because it’s an essential stepping stone on the journey for a hurting wife seeking to honor Christ. Rather than rushing women through this significant step, consider the ideas below.
In Luke 17:3–6 we see one account of Jesus’s teachings on forgiveness:
“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you” (my emphasis).
I believe the response from the apostles is instructive in how we ought to walk with hurting wives on the topic of forgiveness. The apostles’ response indicates two things: The impossibility of forgiveness apart from Christ, and the means of pursuing forgiveness.
The Impossibility of Forgiveness: “Increase Our Faith!”
I want you to imagine, for a moment, the deepest relational betrayal you’ve experienced in your life. You’re only beginning to understand what a woman goes through when she faces sexual betrayal in her marriage. For the deepest wounds, forgiveness is costly on a profound level.
When you hear a wife’s willingness to pursue forgiveness, you’re seeing great faith at work in her. When you hear “I want to forgive, but I’m just not sure how,” you’re seeing Christ shine in the darkness. Rejoice in this. Encourage the faith of that hurting sister. Gently affirm that her godly desires come from the Spirit’s work within her. This is no small thing, but a moment for thankful hearts and celebration. Don’t overlook this mustard seed of faith in a broken-hearted wife—God doesn’t.
The response of the apostles to Jesus’s command to forgive—“Lord, increase our faith!”—is exactly where you want to point a hurting wife grappling with questions about forgiveness. She must first know that she simply cannot forgive in her own strength; she must look to the power of another. Jesus has what she needs. Will you point her to Christ rather than to her reserves of goodwill to forgive?
The Means of Forgiveness: Christ Alone
Jesus gives us astounding instruction in the next verse, when he points to the power of the smallest faith to accomplish what appears (to us!) to be impossible.
“If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” (Luke 17:6)
I believe part of what Jesus is teaching here is that the power and ability to forgive unspeakable betrayal can only come by faith in the One who is able to keep you and has all you need to be able to obey his commands—even those that seem impossible.
As you walk with betrayed wives, encourage them to look to Jesus as they pursue forgiveness. He forgave them, and his perfect forgiveness also counts for them. He will tenderly and patiently work in their hearts and help them.
Betrayal and Forgiveness: Reflection Questions Before God
In closing, here are a few questions you may be able to share and pray with a hurting wife—and if you are a betrayed wife, you can pray through them alone or with a trusted friend:
Are you looking within, or are you looking to Jesus for the power to forgive?
Are you dependent and broken-hearted, with your heart bent toward Christ in your need, or do you keep looking at your emotions, circumstances, or the state of your marriage to lead your pursuit of forgiveness?
Are you completely ignoring your emotions? Or are you being ruled by them?
Can the Lord of all, who has subdued kings, nations, and even your own sinful heart, help you in your hour of need to forgive?
Is God mighty to save?
Is God a ready help in your time of need?
Does God want to help you forgive?
Seek to answer these questions with an open Bible, by faith. And be prayerful: “Lord, increase our faith!”
The Great Need for Ministry to Wives
You may be surprised to know that the women’s ministry at Harvest USA receives the highest volume of requests for care and resources from wives who are desperate for guidance and the ministry leaders walking alongside them. The need to care for wives in our ministry is always exceeding our capacity. This is something that the church simply cannot afford to ignore. Please know that there are women right now in your church who are grieving, losing sleep, and anguished over the pain of sexual betrayal in their marriage. Can you befriend and help them as they navigate following Jesus in betrayal and forgiveness?
If you have a heart to serve women as they wrestle with these deep questions of faith, consider our open position for women’s ministry staff at Harvest USA. The needs are great, and yet laborers in this crucial ministry are few. Would you consider joining us? Would you pray for us?
Caitlin McCaffrey
Director of Women's Ministry
Caitlin McCaffrey is the Director of Women’s Ministry at Harvest USA. She oversees all direct ministry to women which includes both 1-on-1 discipleship and group ministry. Caitlin writes, teaches and produces content on how the Gospel intersects with issues of sexuality, gender and relationships.
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