How Do I Talk to My Kids About Porn?

Why do I have to talk about porn with my child? When most of us ask that, I think we’re thinking, “Really? Do I really have to do this?” To answer this, I want to read from Proverbs 1, verses 8 to 10: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent.”

The book of Proverbs is given to us in the form of parents having conversations with their children. As you know, one of the topics parents talk about repeatedly is sex and sexual immorality, in chapter 5 and in chapter 7 especially. Based on the verses I just read, I want to talk about four characteristics of the parents’ talks with their children. They are proactive, repetitive, positive, and realistic.

First, they’re proactive. Maybe you are proactively trying to prevent your child from ever seeing pornography. That’s understandable. And taking some steps to protect your family from the intrusion of destructive images is a prudent thing. But what is being described here is a different kind of proactivity. This is the kind of proactivity that foresees what your children will face in life and seeks to prepare their hearts and minds to respond to it.

Like it or not, your children will almost certainly be exposed to pornography. It’s one of the sad realities of our world. You should take steps to protect your family from inadvertently accessing porn, but it is even more important that you speak to your children, so that when they see things you wish you could protect them from, they will have an opportunity to interpret and respond wisely.

Second, it is repetitive. This is the pattern in Proverbs. The terms “my son,” “listen, my sons,” “be attentive, my son,” and other forms appear 14 times in the first seven chapters. If you read through Proverbs, you will even notice that topics come up again and again, sometimes with word-for-word repetition. Why? Because this is not the talk. It’s not even a talk. It is a regular pattern of conversations about significant situations your child will face. Do you sometimes have to repeat something to your kids? Sex and pornography will be no exception to that. You must talk about it repeatedly. The enemy will not let up. Neither should you.

Third, these conversations are positive. Note verse 9: “For they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.” The goal of these repeated conversations is not merely to help your child avoid bad things. It is to give your child a taste for good things, truly beautiful things.

This is especially important when it comes to a topic like sex. Your goal is not merely to caution against porn. It’s to cast a vision for your child of the goodness and beauty of sex: sex the way God gives it, sex that is part of the security and joy of a good marriage, that is an expression of faithfulness, of exclusive lifelong commitment, of self-giving love, sex that is a picture of how Christ loves the church. And that, the love of Christ, is the true jewel you want them to see. For even if they remain unmarried for their whole lives, the love of Jesus is the real prize, not second best.

Finally, it’s realistic. In verse 10, the parent informs the son that people will come into his life to try to convince him to do what they do, to go where they go, to try what they try. In chapter 7, when the topic is sex, the persuasive messages of the seducer are vividly described. Sex is powerful, and it is pervasive in our culture. This will not be a ho-hum temptation for your child. Acknowledge that. Take it into account in your conversations.

Be proactive. Be repetitive. Be positive. Be realistic. But yes, you do have to talk about it.