Is a Struggle with Pornography a Deal-Breaker?

Are you looking to get married? Are you already engaged? Have all the flower arrangements and catering decisions already been made? Are you already in the process of premarital counseling? There is a lot to talk about in the season leading up to marriage. And one topic, though, that might not be on your radar, but must be discussed before the wedding date, is pornography.

Pornography in our day and age is so ubiquitous that this question is something every couple looking to get married needs to ask. Because the question is no longer, “Have you ever looked at pornography?” but instead a two-fold question: “How are you actively fighting against the lure of pornography? And how has pornography impacted your mind and your heart?”

There are many issues to consider as to whether a current struggle with pornography is grounds to call off a wedding or break an engagement, which I discuss in my blog article, which you can find a link to below this video. But right now, I want to spend just a few minutes pleading with couples. If you are looking towards marriage, pornography is an issue that must be addressed before marriage.

Too many couples have assumed the best: that if my fiancé isn’t talking about it, it must not be a struggle for them. But we’ve seen too many spouses here at Harvest USA who started their marriage living in deception and secrecy. For some of you, it’ll mean the first few years of your marriage are a train wreck, but God in his mercy will expose your sin relatively quickly. For others, decades of marriage can go by, with a secret addiction to pornography and a lifestyle of deception permeating your entire family. And when this offense is revealed, it often creates a wound that we would place in the category of trauma, because everything you knew about your spouse now feels like a lie. The fabric of your reality begins to break apart.

A solid marriage with healthy intimacy cannot be founded on lies and secrecy. So couples, talk about these issues. Don’t gloss over premarital counseling. Get personalized, intentional help from your pastor, a spiritual leader, or a wise older couple you trust. And do not walk down that aisle if you have not first spent significant time unpacking and working through the sexual brokenness that you both bring to this marriage. Tell your pastor that. Say, “We need this to be a large part of our premarital counseling.” My heart aches when I hear that couples went through premarital counseling and they just didn’t have enough time to cover any issues about sex.

Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, and God does not call nor bless only those with perfect obedience to him. His grace covers a multitude of sins, and he can restore years of patterns of brokenness and disobedience. And taking the proper steps now, before taking your vows, is an investment in your marriage that will reap a harvest of righteousness and joy in this glorious covenant that God has established.