Help! My Dad Is Addicted to Porn

It’s all too common for children to discover that their dad is addicted to porn. The experience varies through the generations. Baby boomers may have found their dad’s stash of porn magazines under the paint cans in the garage or hidden in a closet. Gen X may have noticed a secret VHS behind the couch or in the trunk of the car. Millennials may have discovered something in the desktop browser history or walked in on their dad viewing pornography in “the computer room.” Gen Z may have caught a glimpse of a website, noticed a strange notification, or saw a porn app on their dad’s phone. 

Perhaps you can trace your lifelong struggles with broken sexuality back to the influence of one fateful day, one image, burned into your brain forever—your dad’s porn. Grievously for you, that day isn’t traced back to a stranger but to your own father, adding to the complexity of your pain. 

You may be surprised to know that many of the men who seek help for pornography struggles at Harvest USA are married. Many of them have children. This article refers to a dad’s struggles with pornography because, in our ministry, we see this scenario more often than we see moms struggling with porn. Please don’t mistake this to mean that women, moms, and grandmothers don’t struggle with sexual integrity—they do! But for the purposes of this article, we are focusing on the experience of growing up with a dad who uses pornography.

If this isn’t part of your story, I invite you to acknowledge that there’s a hidden demographic of people impacted deeply by sexual sin right in our churches: the children of those who struggle with sexual sin. How might God be calling you to minister more holistically to a family impacted by pornography use?

“Dad’s Secret” Is Never Really a Secret

Pornography use, when it becomes life dominating (some may use the word “addiction”) always includes elements of deception. This means that, if you were the child of a dad addicted to porn, you grew up with shadows and secrets embedded into your home life. The painful truth is that dad’s secret is never really a secret. It impacts the whole family, including the children.

Look at God’s good order in Ephesians 6:1–4:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

A father who is secretly using porn will engage with his family in deceptive ways and subvert the good order God has prescribed. Unrepentant pornography addiction, including patterns of deception that go along with it, cut down a father’s ability to lead, disciple, and instruct his children. A father who pursues this deceptive path will provoke his children to anger and sow seeds of destruction. He unknowingly makes it difficult for his children to honor and respect him because of his pursuit of that which is base and dishonorable.

Dad is dishonoring mom, he is not choosing mom, he is not protecting mom. He has decided to bring another “lover” into the exclusive marriage covenant—pornography.

Even when dads believe that their children don’t know about their secret sin, they’re developing a sinful way of relating to others that their children will experience. Maybe your dad was relationally aloof, dismissive, angry, impatient, selfish, demanding, or an indulgent lover of pleasure in other areas (food, entertainment, spending).

These relational dynamics are a mirror image of what is being pursued in pornography. Porn has no relational requirement and offers self-centered pleasure on demand while using others and diminishing their personhood. A father is deceived if he thinks that pursuing these things behind closed doors will not also train his heart and mind to engage with his children and wife in this very same self-centered, utilitarian way. As a child, maybe you knew something was “off” but could never put your finger on it. Fathers who pursue pornography without repentance will create relational shock waves in the very foundation of the family home—in seen and unseen ways.

When Dad Is Addicted to Porn, Children Suffer

Austrian child psychiatrist Rudolph Dreikurs has been quoted, quite profoundly, as saying, “Children are keen observers but poor interpreters.” Children of dads addicted to pornography may wonder if this is just “something daddies do.” Older teens may feel confused about sexuality and gender signals as they develop their own worldviews: “Do all men use porn?” “Is this what it means to be a man?” Adults grappling with their dad’s pornography addiction may struggle with the confusing and awkward knowledge they wish they never had: “Why do I have to know about this part of my dad’s life?” “Why would he do this to my mom?”

One research analysis by Bonnie Young revealed that “research looking at intentional vs. accidental pornography exposure has found that the majority of pornography exposure among young people is accidental, and young children often encounter sexual media by circumstances beyond their control.”

Being exposed to dad’s porn leads to a cascade of harm. For children under age 12, explicit images can cause developmental harm. Young goes on to cite her research on exposure to porn, saying, “The findings of this study suggest that higher levels of depression, less life satisfaction, increased pornography viewing, more sexual partners, and more acceptance of violent/coercive pornography during adulthood are associated with earlier exposure to pornography.”

But it doesn’t take research to affirm what God’s Word already makes clear: harm comes when sex (or viewing sexual imagery) happens outside of God’s intended venue—that of covenant love in marriage. And the broken reality for a child whose dad is addicted to porn is that their initial exposure to porn was not by their choice or will.

When Dad Is Addicted to Porn, Children See Mom Suffer

For a two-parent household, when you know that your dad is addicted to porn, you also know about ways that your mom is being harmed. The damage of this dynamic is profound. God has designed marriage to be a showcase for the honoring, cherishing, protecting, and providing love that signposts Christ’s love for his bride, the church! Yet when a dad’s pornography addiction is known, children see a perversion of this design. Dad is dishonoring mom, he is not choosing mom, he is not protecting mom. He has decided to bring another “lover” into the exclusive marriage covenant—pornography.

Just as children will experience their dad’s self-centered way of relating to them as he feeds his soul on porn, they will also see his lack of respect, honor, and cherishing love for their mother. Porn spreads and infects; this disregard cannot be hidden. Children see and observe when one parent harms the other, and pornography is inevitably harmful.

A Voice in the Pain: Our Perfect Heavenly Father

In my experience ministering at Harvest USA, I’m on the frontlines seeking to help churches give a voice to wives impacted by their husband’s sexual sin. But a hidden ministry field often remains without a voice or help from within the church—the children.

Psalm 142 gives voice to their isolation and pain:

“When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see: there is none that takes notice of me; no refuge remains for me; no one cares for my soul.” (vv. 3–4)

A child, even an adult child, cannot process this grief and confusion alone. They’re not meant to. The Psalm goes on to give a Godward, faith-filled direction: “I cry to you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living’” (Ps. 142:5).

You are invited, son or daughter, to come home to a holy Father who has always been what your father was not: perfectly righteous and exclusively for you in selfless love.

You can cry to your heavenly Father knowing that, where your earthly father was not a refuge and not a protector, your God promises to be that and more to you, even into eternity.

Every father falls short, even the best ones. This is not to minimize the pain and impact from your father’s pornography use. But hear this: your heart’s longing for a perfect Father is a good thing—in fact, it’s God given. You were designed to delight in and be protected by a perfect Father. The incredibly good news of the gospel is that a perfect Father is yours in Christ as you grieve the ways your earthly father failed you.

Let your disappointments drive your tear-stained face to your God. Let the ways you have been sinned against drive you to the very same cross that your dad needs, too. In your anger and resentment against your earthly father, God invites you to cry out and confess these things to him who never sleeps, who sings over you as a perfect Father (Zeph. 3:17). In the complexity of your experience, in your wordless pain where your own voice fails, let the Psalms be your voice.

You are invited, son or daughter, to come home to a holy Father who has always been what your father was not: perfectly righteous and exclusively for you in selfless love. Your heavenly Father is always praying for you (Heb. 7:25), perfectly holy (1 Sam. 2:2), your provider (Gen. 22:14), the lifter of your head (Ps. 3:3), the One who indwells your very heart (2 Cor. 1:22) and the One who will never die (1 Tim. 6:16).

Your longings for a perfect Father find their fullness and place in the triune God. If your story includes the pain of a dad addicted to pornography, remember—you’re invited to receive the care of your perfect Father today.