God’s Design for Male Friendships in the Church
Men’s friendships are under attack by a world determined to isolate them. But men need friends—godly, committed, male friends. What is God’s design and purpose for male friendships? How are godly male friendships central to God’s particular creation mandate for men as builders and soldiers in his kingdom?
God’s Design for Male Friendships
We are designed by our Creator to be social, familial, and honorable working creatures. God’s design for male friendships in his church flows directly from these core identities.
Social Creatures
After God created the first man, Adam, he said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18). Man is designed to be a social creature. The Reformer John Calvin comments, “God begins, indeed, at the first step of human society (marriage), yet designs to include others, each in its proper place. The commencement, therefore, involves a general principle, that man was formed to be a social animal.”[1]
Familial Creatures
Calvin highlights God’s intended depth for humanity’s relational intimacy. “God could himself indeed have covered the earth with a multitude of men; but it was his will that we should proceed from one fountain, in order that our desire of mutual concord might be the greater, and that each might the more freely embrace the other as his own flesh.”[2] God designed all men to come from Adam and Eve in order to establish a relational dynamic and intimacy where all men engage with one another as family.
Due to the fall, sin splintered mankind’s relationship with one another and with God, evident by Adam’s very son, Cain, killing his brother and breaking God’s moral law (Gen. 4). However, Christian unity is being restored and an even greater unity is coming into completion through the church’s union with the last Adam, Christ (1 Cor. 15). Jesus unifies the family of God, saving his elect out of the splintered lineage of the first Adam. In Christ, we are truly brothers. God designed mankind’s social nature to be rooted in a unifying, familial intimacy that even now, in a fallen world, is being redemptively worked out through the family of God.
Honorable Working Creatures
When God established, through Adam, a people created as intimate, social beings, God also established a command and a creational positioning from which all mankind was designed to live. This is referred to as the dominion mandate: “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth’” (Gen. 1:28). Puritan minister Matthew Henry remarked regarding this mandate, “God designed hereby to put an honour upon man, that he might find himself the more strongly obliged to bring honour to his Maker.”[3]
While this dominion mandate began with Adam and his helpmate, Eve (Gen. 2:18), it is a charge intended to spread throughout all their posterity. All social, familial, and honorable working creatures, in a variety of relational dynamics, are obligated to bring honor to their Maker. God’s design for male friendships, too, falls within this obligation.
God created men as social creatures with a relational depth of familial unity, rooted in being of the same tribe in Adam. In that unity, we are commanded to co-labor in the mission of magnifying and spreading our Creator’s honor throughout the earth. This is why we men need friendship!
Christian friendship expresses an ongoing progression of participation in God’s telos—his intended ultimate end—for mankind. Scripture tells us that in the new heaven and earth the second Adam, Jesus, will perfect the establishment of his people, the church. We as Christian men are to unite in friendship for an eternal co-laboring, to bring God honor forever. “[Christ has] made [the church] a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth” (Rev. 5:9–10).
So, Christian men, how do we—those redeemed by Christ to be God’s viceroys—properly establish our mandated, communal identity and purpose in friendship?
God’s Purpose for Male Friendship
In Nehemiah’s story, as the men of Jerusalem were rebuilding their city walls, they had to respond to enemy resistance: “From that day on, half of my servants worked on construction, and half held the spears, shields, bows, and coats of mail. . . . each labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the other” (Neh. 4:15–17). God-honoring friendships must be cultivated through a shared identity to be united builders and soldiers.
Builders of Protection
In Nehemiah’s day, a crumbling wall jeopardized the safety of all within it. God’s temple, his dwelling place amongst his people, was vulnerable (Neh.1:3). The men of Jerusalem worked to rebuild the wall to assert their protection of God’s Kingdom. The prophets had promised this Kingdom would be restored after their exile. “‘This land that was desolate has become like the garden of Eden, and the waste and desolate and ruined cities are now fortified and inhabited.’ Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the Lord; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it” (Ez. 36:35–36). Men, we likewise cultivate God-honoring friendships when we together continue this work of building that which protects our hope-filled devotion to the restored Kingdom of Christ. How can you build up your brothers in the Lord? Consider starting your own men’s group on sexual integrity. Harvest USA exists to help you do that! Check out our page dedicated to equipping your church to help others.
Soldiers of Allegiance
A crumbling wall also brought with it a shamefully weak identity. The men of Jerusalem took up arms while building; they fought to uphold their identity as God’s people. In the movie The Return of the King, right before the forces of darkness break through the gate and into the city of Minas Tirith, Gandalf rousingly commands, “You’re soldiers of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate, you will stand your ground” (my emphasis).[4] Men of today also cultivate God-honoring friendship by uniting, side by side, in enduring, courageous conviction held in their shared identity. Together, such friendships affirm, “We are soldiers of Christ. No matter what powers of this dark world or “spiritual forces of evil” come, we will stand our ground” (Eph. 6:12).
To unite the men as builders and soldiers, Nehemiah called upon their God-established duty to honor their relational commitments. “And I [Nehemiah] looked and arose and said to the nobles and to the officials and to the rest of the people, ‘Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes’” (Neh. 4:14). Men, likewise, cultivate God-honoring friendships when we practice mutual accountability to be both builders and soldiers in the relationships God commissions us to uphold.
Questions for Developing Purposeful Male Friendships
- Is this a friendship where our unity magnifies our resources for the building up of Christ-exalting endeavors in the church and culture (Eccl. 4:9–10)?
- Is this a friendship of fighting sin together, motivated in our union with Christ to make life-altering sacrifices for mutual purity (John 15:12–13)?
- Is this a friendship where we are stirring one another to grow in enduring obedience to the Lord in our household duties, holding each other accountable to be God-honoring husbands, fathers, and sons (1 Tim. 3:1–7)?
God’s design for male friendships is something to embolden and strengthen men as we labor for his glory. Christian men—friends—let us join Nehemiah and cry out to each other, while standing before the dark forces of this fallen world: “‘Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes’” (Neh. 4:14).
[1] John Calvin’s Commentaries, Gen. 2:18. (Note: Calvin distinguished animals as distinct from humans, though at times using the term “animals” to refer to humans. See clarification of this in Institutes of the Christian Religion, Book 1, chapter 15.)
[2] John Calvin’s Commentaries, Gen. 1:28
Keith Seary
Men's Ministry Staff
Keith Seary is on the Men’s Ministry staff at Harvest USA. Keith has a BA in biblical counseling from The Master’s University, which he uses at Harvest USA in facilitating biblical support groups, seminars, church equipping, and one-on-one discipleship. He is currently a member of Immanuel Orthodox Presbyterian Church in Bellmawr, New Jersey.
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