Why Should Husbands Know How Porn Hurts Wives?

I’ve met a lot of husbands who are ashamed of their pornography habit, but very few, if any, who really understand how they’re hurting their wife.

Why should a husband want to know how his pornography use hurts his wife? Well, because he loves her. Now, that may seem like an obvious statement, but the truth is that most husbands who come to me about a porn habit have never really put any thought into the question of how it hurts their wife.

Pornography is a self-focused sin, even if you’re looking at other people. And the shame of confessing or getting caught is also self-focused. You’re full of self-condemnation. You’re saying things to yourself like, “What a failure I am. I’ve really blown it. I’m so worthless.”

This self-focus extends to your thoughts about your wife: “She must really hate me. I guess I’m not worth her love anymore.” But you see, all those types of thoughts are really about you: what you think of you, what others think of you, what that makes you feel about you.

But the first step toward love is a step toward your wife, to want to understand: How is this affecting her? How does she really feel about this? In what specific ways is she suffering right now? As long as we’re stuck in our self-focus, these are the last questions we want to ask, because they make us feel worse about ourselves.

But the first step toward loving her is taking your focus off of yourself and how you feel about yourself, and focusing on her. This is the direction that the gospel brings us. We receive God’s love; then we love, because he first loved us. And the first person you, as a husband, are to love is your wife.

So I encourage husbands: ask your wife. Ask with a sincere and caring desire to understand her, to comfort her, to seek her forgiveness, to move toward her. The time has passed for you to be doing everything possible to protect how you feel about yourself. You are a new creation in Christ. You are free to love her.

If, in doing so, you get a clearer view of the depths of your sin against her, grieve with her. Let yourself feel sorrow for her. But resist the temptation to turn back into yourself.