28 Jun 2018
“Judge not, lest ye be judged!” – Matthew 7:1 is the Bible verse most commonly used to peg contemporary Christians as hypocrites. Those who claim to follow Jesus pass judgment on others as “sinners,” while Jesus stands by chiding anyone who judges.
When we hear this argument made by other students on our campus, how can we respond?
What does it mean to not judge?
Look at Matthew 7:1-5:
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Jesus’ words are somewhat difficult to understand. But perhaps we can make sense of them through an example.
Imagine if the Christian student group on your campus were to condemn homosexual behavior publicly, but then the group made excuses when two students were having premarital sex. Something would be seriously wrong. The group would be condemned by their own standard if they were judged the way they judge others.
In the same way, one of the biggest mistakes we can make as Christians is spending our time thinking about the sins of people “out there,” while we turn a blind eye to the sin “in here,” in our hearts. This is Jesus’ first point: Remember that you will be judged by the same standard by which you judge others.
But does Jesus mean to say that we shouldn’t judge others at all? Take a careful look at the story of the log and the speck. Read again what Jesus says. What is his point? If Jesus’ point were that we shouldn’t judge at all, he would say that you shouldn’t take the speck out of your brother’s eye, ever. But that’s not his point, and it wouldn’t make sense if it were. Taking the speck out of your friend’s eye is a kindness to him.
Jesus’ point, as before, is that we will only be able to see clearly to judge our brother (in a good way) if we first examine ourselves to make sure we aren’t hypocrites.
Judging actions, not condemning people
There’s another careful distinction to make when it comes to judging. While we judge people’s actions, we do not condemn people.
The easiest way to understand this is to think about how Jesus treats us. Jesus clearly condemns all sin, all the actions we do that show that we love ourselves more than him. But Jesus doesn’t condemn us—that’s the point of the gospel! Instead of condemning us for our sins, Jesus forgives our sins.
But forgiveness doesn’t mean that Jesus stops judging that our actions are wrong. They are! That’s why our forgiveness cost his life! But forgiveness does let us escape from condemnation for our sins. Jesus still judges our sins as wrong, but he doesn’t condemn us for them.
The same is true for other people, even if they aren’t Christians. Jesus offers forgiveness to all, just as we should tell all people about the gospel. When we bear witness to the truth that certain actions are sinful, we are judging people’s actions, but we aren’t condemning them.
How, exactly, do we judge rightly?
What does this mean for Christians?
- We are no different than others! Even if someone’s behavior is wrong, we cannot condemn the person because we’re in the same boat! We’ve done what is wrong, but Christ forgave us. That person can be forgiven too by trusting in Jesus! He or she can’t be written off as a “reprobate” simply because of a particular sin.
- Remember the positive side to judging. When we talk to people about their actions or others’ being wrong, we should always keep in mind, and mention, if possible, that the gospel offers forgiveness for sin. We are often afraid to share the gospel with people because many people don’t respect religious views. But if we don’t share the gospel, the only thing others will know about Christians is what we’re against.
- Our primary focus should be on our own sins. The sins we should be most concerned about are our own, not others’. If we don’t take care of our own sins, not only will people ignore us when we talk about others’ sins, we may actually find ourselves in the place of the Pharisees, outside of the Kingdom of repentance and faith in Jesus.
- Love for others must motivate us. We must show love to others as we bear witness about the truth. It can be easy to think that sharing truth is in conflict with loving people. Most of us are tempted to do only one or the other. But in fact, speaking the truth is an act of love, and love requires speaking the truth. When we come to others with Christ-like love, we don’t bash people over the head with truth, but neither do we paper over people’s sin.
Our sin is dangerous, and God does judge it as evil. But we must remember in our own lives, and in the lives of those to whom we speak, that God does not condemn a sinner who trusts in Jesus. Though our sin is worthy of judgment, and even condemnation, God offers forgiveness to us, and to all who will believe.
It’s so important for us teach young women that sex and sexuality are wonderful aspects of their created nature, but they aren’t ultimate. To learn more from Tim Geiger on this topic, read his blog, “On Being a Woman: A Father’s Words to His Daughter.”
Tim Geiger, President of Harvest USA, shares the words he is speaking to his daughter about being a woman made in God’s image and how this informs her understanding of sexuality. This blog was first published in our Spring 2018 harvestusa magazine on women, sexuality, and the Church.
Let me share with you the counsel I’m giving to my 14-year-old daughter about what biblical womanhood looks like from a father’s perspective.
To fathers everywhere, I make this earnest appeal: Teach your daughters that it is safe and good to live as a godly woman in a world that would teach them otherwise.
I make this parallel appeal, as well: model for your daughters what godly masculinity looks like. This is a huge topic; beyond my words in this brief article. Godly masculinity reflects what Paul says in Ephesians 5:25-26 about how husbands are to love their wives, and I believe it extends to how a father is to love his daughter as well: to love her with a fiercely sacrificial love, and to pour into her life every good thing she needs to fully grow into becoming the woman she is, created in God’s image.
That is our task as fathers, helping our daughters establish a biblical worldview concerning how to live as a woman.
I think this has never been more critical. The world in which my 14-year-old daughter is growing up threatens her as a woman. A culture shaped more and more by sensuality and sexualization (fueled by pornography) has left women more vulnerable to sexual exploitation, to be viewed merely for their physical beauty and sexual allure. The post-gender culture denies the separateness and uniqueness of being a woman.
Along with my wife and our church, I must help her discover what it means to be a woman who is faithful to the Lord’s design.
As her father, I must speak truth into the lies and confusion she hears from the media, from her peers, and from her own sinful heart. Along with my wife and our church, I must help her discover what it means to be a woman who is faithful to the Lord’s design. I want her to find her true identity in the Lord and not in what the culture says nor what others say about her. I want her to think of herself as God thinks of her.
Here are the words I am speaking to my daughter:
You are not inferior to a man. Women are equally created in God’s image, created to partner with men in kingdom work, and to reflect the Creator’s image and design throughout creation (Genesis 1:26-28).
But you are different from a man. The differences here are more than biological. Contrary to what the culture would have us believe, the roles of men and women are not interchangeable. God created Eve as a “helper fit for [Adam]” (Genesis 2:18) in marriage. Within that context, God provided an order: in marriage, the man is the head of the woman (1 Corinthians 11:3). These roles are not interchangeable. Reordering and redefining what God established leads only to confusion, chaos, and ultimately, to destruction. Living within God’s loving parameters is the only way to flourish in life.
The term “head” has several implications, but let me talk about one that is paramount: the husband is to be a servant leader—as Christ is to his Bride, the church. For our redemption Christ, our Husband, lays down his glory and life for his people. Human marriage functions allegorically. Husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives, and wives are called to submit to their husbands’ leadership (Ephesians 5:22-27). But submitting to your husband’s leadership doesn’t make you a doormat; you are his partner in life, called to love him with a love that speaks into his life on all matters, including correcting him when he is wrong.
One more thing here. All women are single at some time like you are now, and some are called to a life of singleness. As a single woman, you are not called to submit to men in general, but you are to submit to Christ. One way you experience that is through the ecclesiastical authority he delegated to his elders in the church. They are not perfect, but Christ is, so always teach your heart to submit to him.
You are to be treated with respect and dignity. A woman should not be treated with less respect or dignity than a man. God does not treat his sons and daughters differently: he assigns to them all the highest level of esteem and blessing. That is one reason Paul writes in Galatians 3:28, “there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Do not accept being sexualized as a woman. In this warped culture, women are sexualized both by men and women. Women are commercialized to attain an ever-changing ideal of beauty, and the pursuit of that is unhealthy. Our culture also sexualizes women by turning them into objects of lust (particularly pornography), making them nothing more than a means to an end to satisfy one’s own, self-centered desires. This isn’t love; it’s using others and being used.
You should never tolerate sexual harassment. Sexual harassment takes many forms. No one should make sexual comments about you or anyone else. Resist any threats or manipulation to coerce you to do anything sexually. Paul tells us: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths…” (Ephesians 4:29), and: “Put to death…sexual immorality, impurity, passion…” (Colossians 3:5). No son of God should treat any woman this way. No daughter of God should tolerate it.
You were made in God’s image as a woman. That is your core identity. You are a sexual being, but you are much more than that.
Your core identity is not as a sexual being. The world today says who you are as a person is based on your sexual attractions and desires. In other words, the deepest part of who you are is what you feel. But your feelings and attractions are fleeting and changeable. Our desires are fallen and subject to sin and corruption as anything else in life.
You were made in God’s image as a woman. That is your core identity. You are a sexual being, but you are much more than that. Your sexuality is an important part of you, but sex is not the ultimate thing in life. It is not easy to live as a single person, but it is doable. Do not think like so many think today, that to live without sex is a tragedy. God may call you to this, and in his Word singleness is a high calling (1 Corinthians 7: 8, 17-40).
You were created to bear the glory of God himself. That is your core purpose in life. You were created to reflect him to the world and help restore this world, now fallen, to again display his glory to all of creation. Live as one who will live forever. Jesus endured the cross “for the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). What was this joy that propelled him into and through that suffering? That you and the rest of his people would live with him in a new heaven and new earth, in perfect and joyful union. That’s the glory you were created for: to be with the Lord forever, without the veil of sin and shame creating any barrier between you and the Lord.
Keep sex sacred and within God’s design for marriage. One reason sex was created is to be a physical act analogous to the mystical reality of the believer’s perfect, intimate union with Christ (Ephesians 5:32). That’s a lot to take in, but one thing is clear: sex is more than just a physical act. The world says sex is nothing but a biological drive meant for one’s enjoyment. This tragically diminishes sex, marring its deeper beauty.
God designed sex as a crucial part of the covenantal bond within marriage between husband and wife, who promise fidelity and exclusive intimacy with each other. To engage sexually with someone outside this covenant is sinful.
Sex is powerful, so do not take it lightly. As long as you are single, pray and work to steward your sexual desires, as you need to manage any other desires and feelings for anything else. Be governed by the spiritual gift of self-control (Galatians 5: 16-24). Jesus taught adultery is an issue of the heart, not the body (Matthew 5:28). To even look at someone with lustful intent is enough to break the seventh commandment. So to lust after someone else, and to engage in inappropriate touching, kissing, or any other physical or emotional interaction with someone else that could lead to sex is sinful. The Bible views any type of genital contact as sexual activity.
You are imperfectly loved by me but perfectly loved by God. As your earthly father, I will continue to lead, cover, and nurture you imperfectly as long as I live. But your heavenly Father loves you perfectly, knows you perfectly, and delights in you always. You are his precious daughter! He loves you well in all the ways in which I sometimes fail you. When you feel unloved, turn to him. When you feel lonely, seek first his companionship. When you feel rejected, seek comfort in his presence. Don’t look primarily for love and meaning in your human relationships. Realize that, ultimately, you are part of a “helper” fit for Jesus himself. Glory in that reality.
Tim Geiger shares more thoughts on this topic in the accompanying video: What Should I Communicate to My Daughter About Sexuality? These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.
02 May 2018
In our Spring 2018 issue of harvestusa magazine, guest writer Jessica Harris shares her personal story of pornography addiction, a struggle that still too many think is only a man’s problem. Because pornography addiction is seen as primarily a male issue, the Church isn’t helping women who continue to struggle in silence and shame. Jessica shows how the Church can change this broken perspective. (You can read the entire magazine issue online: Women, Sexuality, and the Church)
When I first felt God calling me to share my story, my answer was no.
I had spent my entire high school career struggling with pornography addiction. In college, I was caught looking at porn after logging in on a school computer, but they concluded it couldn’t be me. “Women just don’t have this problem.”
My struggle escalated to the point where I sent nude photos to a stranger online. This was back in 2003 before sexting was in vogue. Seventeen years old, from my dorm room on a Christian college campus, I, a newly-converted Christian who had grown up in the church, became someone else’s pornography. To me, that was all my life was worth.
A year later, I finally told somebody about my struggle with porn. I confessed to the Student Life staff at the second Bible college I was attending. They began to work with me intensively, and after nearly two years of a long, hard fight, I found freedom.
In my mind, freedom meant I didn’t have to think about it anymore. The past was behind me. No one ever had to know this was part of my story.
When I realized God might want me to share it, I resisted. I tried to find anything else to do with my life. I told Him He could send me to China. He could call me to some jungle somewhere.
Anything but this.
But I felt a bit like Jonah getting tossed around in life’s boat. There wasn’t peace. Everything I tried to do wasn’t working. So, angrily, I created my website and shared my story of porn addiction and shame. I wondered if God hated me and that’s why He was making me do this. It felt like a permanent form of branding and punishment. Now, the one thing I never wanted anyone to know was the first thing anyone would know about me. I was going to be “that girl who watched porn.”
I was convinced I was alone—the only woman in the world who had managed to become addicted to porn.
Now, the one thing I never wanted anyone to know was the first thing anyone would know about me. I was going to be “that girl who watched porn.”
Then, the emails started coming in. A year after starting my site, a large Christian conference asked me to lead a workshop for women on the topic of lust. When women realized this workshop wasn’t going to be your typical “Proverbs 31, and True Beauty is on the Inside” workshop, they started planning to skip theirs and come to mine instead.
Every seat was filled. Women stood along the back. Women even sat on the floor at the front of the room. God moved mightily in that workshop. At the end, I watched the small groups as women shared their struggles with each other and prayed together. God was setting women free.
I walked out of the room and had what I call my Esther moment. It was as if God said to me, “You can have what you want. You can do whatever you would like. No one really knows you, so you could keep silent and move on with your plans, or you could be part of this.”
That day I decided I was all in, having no idea what that might mean. I knew women were struggling, lost, and hurting, and I knew how they could get help. How could I leave them? How could I just walk away and pretend they weren’t there?
I moved forward more publicly, telling my story, trying to write for various magazines, and reaching out to churches. The response was often, “We don’t need that kind of stuff for our women. Our women don’t struggle with that.” It quickly became clear that the biggest enemy I was going to face wasn’t pornography itself, but an old script and layer upon layer of shame.
There’s a script we have when it comes to things like sexual struggles and pornography. It goes something like this:
Men are visual, so men struggle with pornography. Women are emotional, so women struggle with Amish romance novels. Men are the eyes. Women are the heart. Men get Fight Club with resources and accountability groups. Women get tea parties with talk about dating and “protecting your heart.”
And that leaves thousands of visual women who struggle with pornography with nowhere to turn. They need Fight Club, but when they knock on the door, they’re met with disapproving glances or a belittling of their struggle.
When I stand on a stage and say, “My name is Jessica, and I was addicted to pornography,” I have to clarify exactly what I mean. People try to change my story to fit the script. They either water down what I mean by “addicted” or what I mean by “pornography.” They assume, at the very most, I was compulsively into soft-core pornography.
That’s not the case. I was never into soft-core pornography. Instead, I spent hours, every day, watching hard-core pornography: the same type of porn men are known for watching and worse. Mine is not a story of a young girl entrenched in romance novels. It’s a story of a young woman having her identity completely warped and lost to years of compulsive, daily, hard-core pornography use.
Sharing that story, whether from a stage, on my site, or through my book, Beggar’s Daughter, has never been easy. I still get emails questioning my experience or what might be wrong with me. After all, the email will say, “This is a man’s problem.”
The advantage is now, I know my story is not unique. In fact, it is far from it. The script we’re using is old and needs to change, because the script itself is causing shame. The script itself is leaving women feeling trapped and hopeless.
How do we change that script?
- Use the word “and” – When you address issues around sexuality, know that sexual struggles do not respect genders. Men and women can struggle with pornography. Men and women should be able to find hope, healing, and grace in your community.
- Train women to help— Equip women in your midst to be able to minister to women in this area. Women’s ministry isn’t all homemaking tips and studies on Proverbs 31. Equip and encourage your teams to tackle harder issues with truth and grace.
- Stop worrying about “causing” problems— Many ministry leaders are concerned that discussing these issues will introduce sin into their circles. In the years since I published my book, I’ve not once had someone say, “I wish you hadn’t written this. It made my problem worse.” When we talk about issues in the light of God’s redemptive grace, people find hope and freedom.
Discussing an issue, no matter how hard, in relation to the Gospel and grace will always bring light, not darkness. Mentioning that women struggle with pornography doesn’t take women captive; it sets them free. It opens up the door for them to come forward, confess, and find hope and healing.
As the body of Christ, that should be our mission. We should welcome His redemptive work in each other’s lives, regardless of what He is redeeming us from.
It might be an overused saying, but if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. If your church or ministry isn’t speaking out about these issues, then your silence is trapping women in shame. Don’t withhold grace from the women in your midst. We need to get rid of the script that destroys a woman’s identity and, instead, speak the truth and invite grace to redeem our identities and be a part of every woman’s story.
Ellen Dykas discusses this topic further in the accompanying video: What If I’m a Woman Who Struggles with Pornography? These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.
08 Mar 2018
What to say to a friend who has discovered her husband has been looking at porn is important. What NOT to say is even more critical. Ellen gives five common remarks wives hear from friends and leaders, well-meaning comments that are anything but helpful and encouraging.
Click here to Ellen’s blog, “Wives and Porn: What Not to Say after She Knows.” And click here to read our harvestusa magazine, “Just What is Godly Sex?” where there are two articles on how marriages can heal after sexual sin: www.harvestusa.org/magazines
In a Christian home, when a child identifies as gay or transgender, the hopes of a parent for their child are dashed. How do I relate to this child who is not the child I raised? How will we get along, when I cannot abandon what God’s Word says about sexuality? Where do I go for help? Chris, who leads our Parents Ministry, talks about what to do. Then, read a story from one such parent.
Click here to read a parent testimony: How I Love My “Suddenly Changed” Child
15 Feb 2018
Growing up, my daughter was everything a parent could hope for. As a child, she was incredibly bright, sweet, compassionate, blessed with talent and best of all as a child accepted Jesus as her Savior.
During the early years of high school, she suddenly changed. I didn’t know my daughter anymore.
Today, here I am with a young adult daughter, who is same-sex attracted and engaged to be married. I remember the “phone call.” I suspected something was wrong. She lived in the city, but she came home most weekends, and we used to do things together quite often. Now she was always busy.
I hoped it was a new boy, but it wasn’t. Her name is Amelia*. My daughter knew exactly how I would react and I did just that. We cried, we talked, and then cried some more. She asked if I would still love her and speak with her. I told her I loved her even more.
And I meant that. After we hung up, I threw a temper tantrum, screaming, crying, slamming doors, and pounding the floor as I lay there begging God to change what had just happened. I was physically ill, not only for “poor” me, but for her as well.
I had been in the bottom of a well for five years with her while she struggled with drug and alcohol abuse. With the help of Christ, she was liberated from the substance abuse, but all the while struggled with anxiety. I didn’t have the strength to get down in the well with her and drag her out again. God didn’t intend me to do so. This was His battle, and it was already won.
The next day I called a Christian counselor. I thank God I did. The counselor warned me that Satan would make me fearful for my daughter and the future of my family. And he did try. But I was bolstered that day with Scripture and reminders of God’s love for my family and me.
One thing my daughter knew, I spoke honestly with her all her life. I was encouraged by friends to continue being who God made me, her mom, and I chose to do just that. When we had hard conversations, I used words with her like, “I’ve never had a same-sex attracted daughter, and I don’t know how this is supposed to go.” Today, I may think a situation should be one way and tomorrow God shows me something different. I always listen to her side, and in love tell her, that while man changes his mind as he pleases, God never changes, and I won’t reject His word.
The counselor warned me that Satan would make me fearful for my daughter and the future of my family. And he did try. But I was bolstered that day with Scripture and reminders of God’s love for my family and me.
I want to show my daughter and her friend the love and mercy Jesus showed me. I don’t deserve it, but He gives it to me anyway. My daughter’s friend is welcome in our home, but there are boundaries. We’ve discussed and agreed to them. Because of this difficult discussion, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner together. We agreed to continue having difficult discussions and refrain from connecting the dots for each other.
I continue to encourage my daughter in every way I have in the past—in her career, hobbies, and especially how I see Christ still working in her life. I love laughing and sharing funny stories with her. She is very creative and has an incredibly different view on life. I love that about her and let her know it.
God challenges me to keep my eyes on Him and life eternal in heaven, not my daughter’s sin. This is about who I am as a believer and how He wants me to live. I get it now. I still cry and feel afraid. Then I remember I was not created to be fearful. God gave this dear child to me as a blessing, and I trust Him. He is ever faithful.
*All names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of this family.
In a Christian home, when a child identifies as gay or transgender, all the relationships in the family are upended. Suddenly, conversations and discussions become landmines that, when stepped on, explode in hurtful and angry words. How can parents navigate a home filled with tension and deep disappointment?
Click here to read more from Chris at this blog: “The Biggest Impact You Can Have on a Wayward Child”
The biggest heartache for a parent is to watch their child determined to go their own way. Turning their back on values they were raised on; turning toward beliefs and people that encourage him or her to embrace a whole new way of life.
A life that renounces what a follower of Jesus should look like.
This is what Joe and Maria were facing with their daughter, Jamie. They talked with me at the beginning of their daughter’s third year of declaring herself to be transgender. Two years of contentious discussions, on and off, had progressed downward to a chilly silence. Jamie has made it abundantly clear that this topic is off the table. Nothing substantial is ever discussed anymore.
Jamie has made up her mind to discover what this new identity of being transgender means for her. Next year she’s off to college. And Joe and Maria are desperate to find a way to break down the high wall that exists between them and the daughter they love.
If you have a son or daughter that has adopted a gay or transgender identity, you probably know what Joe and Maria are going through. It is flat out difficult to love a child that is bent on pursuing their own way. Parents are at a loss about how to lead their child to Christ when all of their efforts to speak truth are met with resistance. Even hearing the word “Scripture” may cause your child to cringe, let alone consider a passage or verse for them to mull over.
How can you possibly have a voice in your son or daughter’s life when they won’t talk to you?
I don’t want to minimize the pain of this situation, but I do think there is a way to move forward—toward your child—that will have an impact whether they acknowledge it or not.
1 John 4:10-12 (NIV) gives a strong message of hope to parents who have a child that is determined to pursue a gay or transgender identity.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
Likewise, your relationship with your child will show the kind of God you represent. This kind of love goes beyond words; it is incarnational, embodying in the flesh the character of God through action.
This is familiar language to us, but take time to contemplate verse 12 again. “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” Your words may have little impact on your child, but the way you love others—and them—is the way God has designed relationships so that they might see Christ—through you.
2 Corinthians 5:20 (ESV) similarly puts it this way; “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us.” As a parent, the title ambassador is one of the most prominent roles you play in your child’s life!
Ambassador is a hope-filled word for parents! Yes, for many parents the primary means of helping a struggling child is by speaking, carefully sharing and sprinkling God’s Word at opportune times. An ambassador does speak.
But it’s not the only thing they do. Though an ambassador speaks on behalf of someone else, it’s their entire being that also communicates what’s important. Their attitude and demeanor, all “speak;” they all point toward who they represent.
Likewise, your relationship with your child will show the kind of God you represent. This kind of love goes beyond words; it is incarnational, embodying in the flesh the character of God through action.
To put it bluntly, the biggest impact you can make in your child’s life is not in what you say. It is in the way you show love for them.
Let’s get specific
Let’s consider some specific steps you can take to become this kind of ambassador.
- Examine your heart.
Sometimes, if we are honest, we can be poor ambassadors of Christ. This particularly happens when we are in pain, and the pain and hopelessness we feel bleeds into our attitudes and behavior. But looking at whatever log is in our eye first is always the path God sets out for us.
Start with some attitudes and behaviors you need to put off: anger, impatience, harsh words, and the like. Allow Colossians 3:5-17 to guide you toward attitudes and behaviors to put on: compassion, kindness, humility, patience, etc.
Now think deeper: what does your behavior reveal about where you are putting your trust? When you are filled with fear, do you try to take control through words or actions? Can you see that behavior like this is an attempt to merely fix what is wrong with your child? Does your child see love (I trust in God) or control (I need to trust in myself) in how you act toward them?
- Love in surprising ways.
This may be one the hardest things to do: be interested in what they are doing. Many parents are afraid of knowing things and afraid that asking is equivalent to approving. But staying interested in their life communicates that you still love them. It also expands your vision of your child, which may have diminished only to the issue that divides you.
So, ask how their friends are doing, what are their plans for the weekend, how school is going, if they have enough food in their dorm room, how they are really doing, and take time to listen and show you care.
Then, do something together: go out to dinner, take a bike ride, go shopping, see a movie, and find a neutral activity that you both can enjoy. These types of activities communicate that, in spite of the issue that divides, you still love and delight in them. Conversations may remain superficial, but God can use these activities to soften their heart and reveal His love for them through your kind gestures. We have a God whose kindness wins our hearts to repentance (Romans 2:4).
Finally, think outside the box! Don’t be afraid to joke around with them. Send them a funny meme or picture they would laugh at. Text your son or daughter out of the blue to share something funny. Humor is an effective way to release tension and even demonstrate love for someone in a nonjudgmental way.
There is a silver lining in this weighty burden of walking with a child that identifies as gay or transgender. That silver lining is this: God is using this situation to draw you closer to himself and conform you to look increasingly more like Jesus. If you allow Him to work this transformation in you, from the inside out, you will produce good fruit.
By God’s grace, they will see this fruit, and your child may see the love of God more clearly through your life, and return to him and his ways.