Betrayed Husband: Christ’s Peace Given for You 

David^[1] met with me distraught for his first appointment, sharing in tears that his wife was having an affair. His life was a sequence of work, home, and play with the kids. Maybe sleep. Hidden in darkness, he had also been watching pornography to deal with stress. Discovering his wife’s affair felt as though his sexual sin was a lesser, more acceptable evil. Burnt out and numb to what was happening, his relationship with the Lord was extremely fragile. In humility, this betrayed husband took a leap of faith to come to Harvest USA.

Can you relate to David? Is your heart wounded because of betrayal? Like men, women (including wives^[2]) need the gospel’s help to live with sexual integrity. Though betrayed husbands don’t seem to reach out for help as quickly as betrayed wives, know that you are not alone. The devil whispers many lies when we face sin, but I hope this article points you to Christ’s hope as you seek direction.

Face Your Pain and Express It to the Lord

“The Lord said to me, ‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.’” (Hosea 3:1)

Hosea carries a weighty message: God’s love for his people is represented through the metaphors of husband and father. It’s a deep, committed relationship in which the Lord joins himself to Israel in the most intimate way (Hosea 3:1; 11:1; 14:4). However, Israel commits adultery by serving idols and forsaking God. His people enjoyed “raisin cakes,” idolatrous cult practices, instead of worshiping God.

Though betrayed husbands don’t seem to reach out for help as quickly as betrayed wives, know that you are not alone.

Thus, God commanded Hosea to love an adulteress, an image showing God’s intention to restore Israel despite her—our—betrayal. Judgment and salvation are in tension as suffering awaits the sinful Israelites (Hos. 3:2–4) and as the Lord promises eternal peace (Hos. 3:5; Deut. 30:5).

Beloved, you can cry out to the Lord sincerely because, as the One who endured betrayal time and again (Hos. 6:7), he understands you completely. Look to Christ’s cross for answers, as if taking refuge in a storm, trusting that your Savior sympathizes with your weakness (Heb. 4:15; 12:2–4). He is the One who suffered the path you are walking even with those whom he loved dearly (John 13:21; Matt. 26:75).

Remember that you have an enemy bent on keeping you from God’s love; he will use your anger, heartache, bitterness, and sin to try to make you forget your loving Savior. God commanded Hosea to retrieve his adulterous wife so Israel may see what kind of love the Father has given. That’s why Hosea pleaded for the Israelites to return to the Lord (Hos. 6:1; 14:1–2). O, suffering brother, what would it look like for you to plead with your wife? It is never too late to call her back to the Lord, proclaiming Christ as triumphant.

Beloved, you can cry out to the Lord sincerely because, as the One who endured betrayal time and again, he understands you completely (Hos. 6:7).

And when tempted with your “raisin cakes,” the manifold idols your heart will seek for false comfort, leave them behind. Turn to Christ, remembering that “such were some of you” (1 Cor. 6:11a). As far as it depends on you, seek reconciliation with your wife, acknowledging how Christ’s blood has purchased us while we were still sinners (1 Cor. 6:20; Rom. 5:8). Such perfect love nourishes you to be a man who worships God as one “afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies” (2 Cor. 4:8, 10). Now is the time to glorify Christ.

Lean on Trustworthy Shepherds or Friends

“For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:25)

Brother, we are not sheep without a shepherd! Jesus knows us inside-out and there is nothing we can hide from him (Psalm 139:15; Matt. 10:30; Luke 12:2–3). He is the One we return to as the Overseer of our souls. Now, since Jesus is the great example all other shepherds must follow—so, who are your leaders? Who are the pastors “keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account” (Heb. 13:17)? What about men you respect in your church, or friends who have a sincere walk with Christ? Seek their help. “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Prov. 18:1). 

Do not endure your tears alone; you will benefit greatly from wise people who will faithfully encourage, pray, and help you find wisdom from above.

Trust God to Help You Navigate the Next Steps in Your Marriage

You’re hurting, and trust in your wife has been severely broken. Yet, what would it look like for you to sow peace compassionately amid your sorrow? Do not respond to sin with sin, or adultery with pornography, but bring Christ into adversity and seek to be pure and blameless before him (Matt. 11:28-–30; Phil. 1:10; 2 Tim. 2:3). Dependence upon the Lord is what you’ll need for your unknown future.

What would it look like for you to sow peace compassionately amid your sorrow?

Have you confronted your wife? This is a step you’ll need to take, and most likely those trustworthy leaders and friends can guide you in how to do this in a spirit of gentleness (Gal. 6:1–2). Her repentance (or not) will impact the next steps you take for your marriage, including:

• Is she willing to turn from sin and fight for the restoration of your marriage?
• Have the two of you walked through a full disclosure of her sexual sin and the affair? Have you given a full disclosure of your sexual sin?
• Do you need to seek marriage counseling?
• Does your wife need specialized discipleship counseling regarding what made her vulnerable to this affair?
• Forgiveness and the restoration of trust are not the same thing, and they rarely (if ever) happen simultaneously. Where are you in your process of extending forgiveness to your wife?

More could be said, but these are some key concerns to consider.

Hurting Husband: Pray Earnestly

Brother, above all, pray without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:16–18). Pour out your heart’s pain, your sin, and your desires before the Lord. Remember that “the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (James 5:16b). Stand for Christ. Let him take care of your marriage as you consider faithful steps with your shepherds, suffering well as one who abides in the Savior’s love.

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[1]  Name changed to protect confidentiality.

[2] Harvest USA not only provides Christ-centered discipleship for wives facing sexual betrayal, but for women (single and married) who are battling sexual sin. Check out these resources on our website: Jesus and Your Unwanted Journey: Wives Finding Comfort After Sexual Betrayal, and Sexual Sanity for Women: Healing from Sexual & Relational Brokenness.