By Anonymous

“There just isn’t anything else I can say.” My counselor looked at me kindly, but with a very serious face. “If you continue in this pattern, I will still be your friend. But there isn’t anything new I can say to help you other than what I’ve already said.”

Many of us know how hard it is to work up the courage to tell someone for the very first time about a secret sin habit. We’ll often be encouraged to “get help.” But what are we supposed to do when we’ve repeatedly received help yet are still enslaved to habitual sin?

For almost two years, I was stuck in an addictive pattern of sin. Two women spent countless hours giving me biblical counsel, I talked to Ellen Dykas more than once and worked through the entirety of Sexual Sanity for Women. Over time, I became aware that what I was doing was truly wrong and took practical steps to resist temptation. But I kept returning to the same sin despite the wealth of love and biblical teaching that had been poured into me. I felt more and more hopeless about ever breaking free. Nobody, including me, could make me stop.

“You Need a Word from God”

After my counselor told me she didn’t have anything new to say to me, she said I needed “a word from God.” She did not mean hearing God’s voice audibly but having God himself teach me through his Word by impressing it deep into my heart. I needed more than simply being convicted by a specific verse or passage. I needed a word from God that would be life changing—something I would never forget.

Both of us began to pray that the Lord would do this special work in me. Some days I prayed for it very earnestly. Other times, though I prayed, I did so in a rather weak, hopeless way. It was getting harder and harder to believe that something like this could actually happen.

An Endless Pattern of Sin

From the age of 13, through college, and well into my 30s, I had sexual struggles that I kept hidden. At times, I would confess specific sins to the Lord. But for many years I didn’t realize I had a much bigger problem than individual times of giving in to temptation. Heart attitudes that I didn’t think about were driving my actions, and I didn’t realize how enslaved I was to certain habits until I tried to give them up.

One day I was in a very bad mood and went online deliberately looking for what could best be described as the “counsel of the ungodly.” I chose to follow that counsel, and to this day I regret it greatly. That was the beginning of the two-year period of a terribly addictive habit.

Those two years were characterized by a repeating pattern of sin, confession, avoiding sin, drifting spiritually, experiencing intense temptation, and yielding to it once again. I would be like a sane, spiritually-minded Christian one moment and a selfish, stubborn, confused person the next, bringing the reality of my relationship with God into question.

As a child, I professed faith in Christ, and certain things in my life seemed to be evidence of true belief. However, I repeatedly questioned the reality of my salvation because of the power of this sin habit and my seeming inability to break free from it. I knew that, though believers will sin, true believers are no longer mastered by sin because they have died to sin and are alive in Christ (Romans 6).

Even when I was not questioning my salvation, I often wondered if God was truly forgiving me for specific sins when I would confess them to him, and worried about whether I had genuinely repented—or repented well enough.

The intense stress of all these spiritual battles affected me physically, causing, or at least exacerbating, significant digestive issues. I also experienced symptoms of physical withdrawal when I tried to resist temptation. Much of what Psalms 32 and 38 say about sin’s effects on the body describes my experience during this time.

At one point, I became strongly convicted about “loving pleasure more than God.” It was extremely sobering to realize that I loved feeling good far more than I loved God. Nevertheless, I kept going back. Having a sense of conviction about sin was not enough to keep me from returning to it.

Confess the Sin of Unbelief

My confusion and hopelessness increased over time. I could not completely give myself over to my own desires and turn my back on my faith. But it felt as though the biblical truths I knew so well did not work in my case. Would God ever completely deliver me from this enslavement?

One day, one of my counselors said, “I think you need to confess the sin of unbelief.” Something in me thought maybe she was right, but I did not fully understand what that specifically meant for me. Several days later, I would remember her words, and the Lord used them to bring me to a major turning point.

I was alone one evening, wrestling with despair, temptation, and a whole array of ugly thoughts, hopeless about ever breaking free from this pattern of sin. But then I realized that my despair and hopelessness were “the sin of unbelief”—I was not believing and trusting God. Hopelessness reflects on God himself, as though he were not able and willing to deliver.

Suddenly, “having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Tim. 3:5) took on a new meaning. The Lord pressed that verse deep into my heart, giving me a strong conviction that it was describing me personally. Outwardly I looked like a good person. But inwardly, not everything lined up with what I professed to be. I desperately needed God to use the same power he used to raise Jesus from the dead to bring about genuine change in my heart (Eph. 1:18–20; Heb. 13:20–21).

Stepping Out in Faith

The Lord mercifully did not simply give me a deep sense of conviction and then leave me! He just as strongly impressed on my heart, “the one who comes to me I certainly will not cast out” (John 6:37). This verse gave me confidence that when I come to him for forgiveness, he really will forgive. He will not turn me away.

That evening, the Lord helped me trust him in a way I never had before. I surrendered everything, confessing many wrong actions, thinking, and attitudes. More than anything else, I was ashamed that I had treated Jesus terribly, loving pleasure more than him, even in light of all he sacrificed for me.

This kind of surrender meant stepping out in faith when I felt exposed and vulnerable. I was extremely conscious of all the times I’d “repented” then repeatedly turned back to the same sin. But the Lord helped me trust him for complete deliverance from this addictive habit. Despite how I felt, trusting him was the safest thing I could possibly do! He is the most trustworthy Being in the universe, with an immeasurable resource of power available for resisting even the most difficult kinds of temptation.

Everything Is Different 

So much has changed since that night. My relationship with the Lord is now characterized by an overwhelming love for him. Learning more about my own sinfulness and experiencing deliverance and forgiveness have made God’s grace indescribably precious to me. If sin were no big deal, God’s grace would not mean that much!

Surprisingly, the overwhelming power of temptation has been broken. Now there is strength for resisting temptation that I did not have before. But if I do choose to sin, I am so grieved about it that I run quickly to the Lord, seeking and trusting in his forgiveness. How could I hurt the One I love after all he has done for me? Being completely confident that I’m forgiven motivates me to pursue holiness now more than ever before.

Are you stuck in sin? The Lord is able and willing to deliver you! Ask him to convict you of the sin of unbelief and to impress his Word deep into your heart. Only in Heaven will there be complete freedom from the possibility of sinning. But even in this life, Jesus, who paid the penalty for our sin, will break the enslaving power of canceled sin!

Now may the God of peace—
    who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus,
the great Shepherd of the sheep,
    and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—
may he equip you with all you need
    for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
    through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. (Heb. 13:20–21, NLT)

 

Name: Karen Robinson

Hometown: Philadelphia, PA

Staff position: Executive Assistant

Description of work at Harvest USA: My main goal is to assist the Harvest USA’s Founder, John Freeman, in any way I can. I find the job fulfilling because John is a visionary. Doing administrative tasks frees up my co-workers to focus on the vision and mission of Harvest USA. Also, if there is any way to boost employee morale, I’m on it!

How did you get to Harvest USA? I’m so glad you asked! A leader from my former church gave me a Harvest USA brochure. She had it at the bottom of her drawer and dusted it off for me. “Wow,” I thought because of the dust, “I am the only female in the congregation struggling sexually.” I went through the Harvest USA’s Journeyer’s group for women struggling with same-sex attraction. Walking through the Harvest USA’s Tree Model together, God showed me patterns of my sin. Without condemnation, he lovingly walked alongside me as I wrestled to yield to his will regarding sex. It was a blessing to see God work in the lives of the group members. We are not identified by past actions; we are identified as God’s beloved daughters. (As a side note, we had the joy of being in the first Journeyer’s group to use the resource Sexual Sanity for Women.) To give back in some way, I volunteered weekly at Harvest USA. Volunteering led to being on staff. Who knew that dusting off a brochure would lead to me having my dream job!

What is your favorite Scripture? I love Philippians 4:8. It keeps my mind focused on what God says instead of what man says. It also helps me determine which thoughts are sweet whispers from my heavenly Father to his beloved daughter. God is not quiet. He has a lot of true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy things to say to us! Meditating on these things allows us to hear him.

What is your favorite thing about living in Philadelphia? I am West Philadelphia born and raised! I love Philly’s history, as well as the architecture. It’s easy to feel spoiled with everything in your backyard. Let’s not forget cheesesteaks, pretzels, and Tastykake!

Can you tell us an interesting fact about yourself? Yup, I’ve jumped out of a plane twice! I also enjoy playing hymns on the piano (both my mother and her mother were organists), driving a stick-shift (no worries about anyone asking to borrow your car), and playing spider solitaire (I’m on the Grandmaster level).

Harvest USA is pleased to announce two new staff who have joined our Direct Ministry Team in the past two months!

Hello! My name is Tara Hallman, and I’m a Women’s Ministry staff member. My husband, Jake, and I are blessed to have three sons. Zeke is 23 and getting married in June to our future daughter-in-law, Raylee. Brett is a senior in high school, and Tice is in 8th grade. I first became aware of the ministry at Harvest USA through my husband, who read Sexual Sanity for Men with a men’s group several years ago. Then, while on campus at Westminster Theological Seminary, I attended a lunch with Ellen Dykas and other Harvest USA staff, where they talked about a Women’s Ministry internship and shared about the ministry at Harvest USA. My heart has been to serve women who have been affected by sexual brokenness in their marriages, so I was disappointed when the internship did not work out that year, but I trusted God’s plan. The following year, I reached out to Ellen again, and, this time, I was thrilled to be chosen for the internship. As an intern, I have had the opportunity to learn from Ellen and the Women’s Ministry staff, observe their approach to caring for women who are struggling, and join them in bringing the truth and the hope of the gospel into each woman’s story. I love the collaboration that happens in the Women’s Ministry, as well as the opportunity for both one-on-one and group discipleship. I am looking forward to having the privilege of walking with women, meeting them in their suffering, and watching them grow in understanding themselves and God in the light of the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Hello! My full name is Yohan Rafael Huh Prudente de Oliveira, and I’ve joined the Men’s Ministry team. I bear both my father’s last name (“Prudente de Oliveira,” meaning “prudent olive tree” in Portuguese) and my mother’s last name (“Huh,” meaning “to permit” or “to decree” in Korean). My family has a Polish-Jew and South-Korean background. My parents met in South Korea and were commissioned as missionaries for church planting ministry in São Paulo-Brazil. I also have a younger sister who works as a graphic designer. Their godliness brought me near to the cross of Christ.

I learned about Harvest USA for the first time through Ms. Ellen Dykas, Director of Women’s Ministry. I witnessed her influence and ministry while attending my current church, New Life Dresher. I also remember when I was faced with challenging questions about sexual brokenness in the youth group I serve, which encouraged me to seek biblical answers inside and outside of seminary. When I joined Harvest USA as an intern, three primary things led me to apply for the Men’s Ministry Staff position:

  • The unwavering support of my wife;
  • The prayerful response from my church; and
  • The overwhelming financial aid received for my education.

These affirmed my external calling and strengthened my internal calling for gospel ministry. As a staff member, I am looking forward to the primary goal of meeting the lost (Luke 19:10) and bringing them back to life in Jesus Christ, whose matchless name I praise, love, and seek with all my heart (Jeremiah 29:13).

By Anonymous

My husband and I recently discovered the term “trail magic” in a blog post by Kelsey Miller called “No One’s Forgotten About Us,” in which she reminisces over 2021 and looks ahead into 2022. The term refers to a practice among hikers that includes random acts of kindness and generosity to other hikers at particularly difficult parts of the trail. It seemed to us that “trail magic” is an apt metaphor to describe the Lord’s presence in our decade-long walk with our daughter who identifies as LGBTQ.

Years ago, I shared the news that my daughter is gay with a friend who counsels women struggling with sexual sin. I fully expected that she would suggest I launch my pursuit of my daughter by reading a book or attending a conference. To my surprise, her strongest advice was much simpler and more straight-forward: love my daughter.

I took a favorite old calligraphy of mine—“It’s the art of loving that will be the one great work of your life”—and placed it where I would see it every morning as I began my day. But seeing and doing are two different things. My heart insisted that our daughter’s embrace of an LGBTQ identity was a problem to be solved, and, because I see myself as a good problem solver, someone who gets the job done, loving and waiting patiently are among my biggest struggles.

As I tried to solve this “problem” and deliver a good outcome, I found my plans thwarted at every turn. Instead of unity, hot conflict erupted, or a cold shoulder resulted. Instead of displaying confidence, I displayed weakness. Fortunately for our daughter, God limited my contact with her for a season. Another family member experienced several adverse health events in quick succession, and I was needed for round-the-clock care shifts. One night, near Christmas, overwhelmed by the combined weight of my loved one’s frailty and our daughter’s spiritual coldness, I cried out to the Lord for help to get through the next hour. When I looked up from my prayer, I noticed that the Star of Bethlehem was painted on the wall in the hospital room. It was a visual reminder of Jesus, our Emmanuel, God with us. At the perfect moment, God had sprinkled some much-needed “trail magic” on my path.

As the months after our daughter’s coming-out rolled past, I searched for ways that I could launch the “love offensive” that my friend had suggested. But, search as I might, the only opportunity that I had was to help her as she moved from apartment to apartment during her first years after college.

One move happened when a career change took her to another state. We were anxious as moving day approached because a significant winter storm was forecast for our city. I cried out to the Lord through Psalm 18:32–33 to go ahead of me, arm me with strength, keep my way secure, and make my feet like a deer’s (especially on the narrow, winding stairs to my daughter’s third-floor, walk-up apartment).

Throughout the day, the Lord provided “trail magic” in the form of life-sustaining kind and generous acts that helped to speed us on our way. Our city’s narrow streets are at their worst after a bad snowstorm and notorious for scarce, poorly shoveled parking spaces. But we arrived at my daughter’s apartment early on the morning of moving day, delighted to find a space large enough to accommodate the capacious U-Haul and two cars that carried her pets and household items. More “trail magic” happened when our SUV turned out to be too short to haul some of the furniture destined for storage at our house, but the local rental agency had a panel van available in just the size we needed. The turn-around window of time was short, but we managed to drive to our home in the suburbs, unload the van, and return it on time with a full gas tank. Only on the way back to our daughter’s apartment did I realize that I had left my purse on the van floor! So much for being in control. But the next renters kindly returned the purse—more “trail magic.”

I think the Lord knew just how weak and inadequate we were that morning, how ill-equipped we were for the job. So he carried us through. The move ended well in that one of our daughter’s friends drove her safely to her new apartment in a distant city. We inherited a shed full of her possessions and two pets to foster, but our relationship with our daughter remained distant.

We now lived farther away from her than ever. My husband and I felt keenly the loss of the frequent contact we had treasured when our daughter lived closer. Over time, our relationship became even more distant. Eventually, she cut off even phone contact because we could not embrace her newfound lifestyle in the way she wished. All that remained to us was to pray for her and to trust that the Lord, our loving, faithful Shepherd, is sovereign everywhere.

Some years later, our daughter began to accept occasional phone calls from us. Sometimes, she even called us. “Trail magic.” During one call, we mentioned a possible vacation together, and she said, “If you go, my partner and I could meet you there.” Instantly, our casual daydreams crystalized. Within three days, we finalized airline and hotel reservations for a short visit the next month. We held our breath, hoping her offer to drive all that way was serious. She responded to our plans by making plans of her own.

Just days before our trip, unexpected storms throughout the country threatened to destroy our travel plans. Weather forecasters on one coast breathlessly announced the cancellation of many flights; similarly, breathless forecasters on the other side of the country predicted travel chaos due to torrential rain, thunderstorms, even a tornado.

Amidst the uncertainty, we all ventured out. Along the way, three of our flights were cancelled, our luggage was lost, and our arrival at our destination delayed. But we turned the plans over to the Lord, depending on him to bring us to our destination if that was part of his plan. We all arrived at the destination, delayed but savoring what time we had.

Cancelled tours gave us more time to visit together. Casual takeout food replaced fancy meals at outdoor venues closed by bad weather. My plans for the perfectly executed visit vanished but were replaced by valuable lessons on how to trust God’s plan. We lived more slowly, more expectantly. To quote Scotty Smith, a PCA pastor and seminary professor, we were being freed “to live at the pace of grace, the music of heaven.” We could feel the Holy Spirit at work, “change(ing) our price tags and treasure.” This was more than “trail magic.” It was a shining miracle.

We left the vacation with our daughter, thankful for the time together and for the ways we saw the Holy Spirit changing us. She had gone to great effort to see us; our effort mirrored hers. We judged the time together a success because of the love shared and the seeds of love that we planted. Always before us was the admonition of Madeleine L’Engle that we draw our daughter and her partner to the Lord “…by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”

Luminous miracles aside, though, the bigger picture of our love offensive with our daughter continues to be one of waiting. Like the love of the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son, our love for our daughter expresses itself in waiting and praying for her return to faith. Waiting can be lonely, especially if everyone around you seems to be living a life that is unfolding effortlessly. You can feel stuck, powerless, hopeless. But in this somber season, we wait with hope, knowing that God continues to work in our daughter’s heart, drawing her to himself with cords of love. We now know that only God can change her heart. We do not know the end of the story, but we trust the lover of our souls, whose mercy and goodness are as deep as the ocean.

Getting to this place on our journey has taken years and significant support from several sources. Our times in God’s Word remind us of his tender love for his people and faithfulness to keep his promises. A prayer fellowship we have with close friends who also have prodigal children provides us with a judgment-free zone where we can honestly share our burdens. We also draw strength from our monthly Harvest USA parents’ support group and the Shattered Dreams, New Hope curriculum. Through this fellowship, we have acquired new tools with which we can better pursue and love our daughter. Their example has helped keep our hearts soft and focused on our good Shepherd, our arms open to our daughter, and our eyes looking for new ways to show her the love Jesus has for us.

 

The following blog is an article from our 2021 Harvest USA Magazine entitled Standing Firm for His Glory. To read more articles from this issue, simply click here or visit www.harvestusa.org/magazines/.

“Godly husband, godly father, godly leader in the Church.” That was how I so wanted to be perceived by others, but it was a lie, and I hated myself because of it. The truth was that, for decades, I had struggled with sexually addictive behaviors: masturbation, pornography, and—eventually—binges of phone sex with other men. This was a secret that I was once convinced I would take to my grave because, if anyone knew the truth of who I was, I was sure I’d be despised, rejected, and abandoned by all, including my wife and children.

The fact that I struggled with sexual brokenness isn’t surprising, especially in light of my story and the fact that I have a sinful nature and live in a fallen world. I grew up in a Christian home with godly parents, but I carried a deep wound. My dad excelled in whatever he did, and others fully expected me to follow in his footsteps, but what he excelled in was not what I wanted to pursue. Indeed, I avoided his world because I feared that I might fail and be rejected by him and others. And so any deep connection with my dad was absent. He didn’t give me the physical touch, the play, the frequent affirmation that I so desperately wanted and needed.

A therapist said to me decades later, “You were a nine- or ten-year-old boy, walking across an emotional desert, desperate for a drink of water, and you found one. It just happened to be from a polluted well.” The polluted well was the attention of an older neighborhood boy who introduced me to sexual activity. This would set in motion a decades-long history of struggle with same-sex attraction and sexual acting out. While I was still attracted to women, there was always the pull of the other that produced overwhelming guilt, toxic shame, and repeated, desperate calls to God to remove this despised thorn.

My early sexualization was punctuated by two other traumatic events during adolescence. When I was 14, my dad invited a 24-year-old man with whom he had a professional relationship to spend the night—to share my room—when this man was in town for a special event. Little did my dad or I know that the conversation this man engaged me in after the lights were out would quickly turn sexual and would lead to sexual activity that left me devastated with guilt and shame. Similarly, a sexual encounter with a predatory college professor at age 18 would also reinforce the extent of the brokenness I felt.

During my time in professional school, I fell in love with a wonderful Christian woman, and we married soon after. Finally, I thought; surely marriage would fix me. Marriage was what I needed in order to quit doing the things that brought so much pain. And it did work, for a while. But, gradually, the same old sexually addictive behaviors crept back into my life. I told myself that I was only trying to reduce the stress resulting from my job.

I thought that once we had children, I would stop. I would have to stop. But the children came, and my sin didn’t stop. Against a backdrop of frequent masturbation and binging on pornography, I kept trying to find a way to stop, believing that God and I could sort this out, that no one else needed to know.

When I was in my mid-30s, my family and I were members of a small, reformed church in the Midwest. I was approached about serving as an elder. I resisted at first, feeling like a hypocrite, but after repeated overtures from the pastor and a godly man on the church’s session, I agreed to have my name placed before the congregation. I told myself that if I were elected to the office of ruling elder, I would have to stop doing what brought so much guilt and shame. I was elected to the office of ruling elder and ordained, but, much to my disappointment, the miraculous healing I was seeking did not materialize. It was not long before I was engaging in the same old addictive patterns, at times contemplating whether suicide wouldn’t be a better alternative.

And so the pattern was set, and the decades passed. Where was God in all of this? Why wouldn’t he remove this thorn? I became more and more convinced that there might not be any hope for me, disregarding all that I had been taught throughout my life about God’s faithfulness. In my early 40s, my wife and I were in a new city as a result of my work, and the evidence of God’s faithfulness to me began to take form, although I would not see that until years later. My wife, while serving on the missions committee of the church in which I was also serving as a ruling elder, came across a request for support from Harvest USA. I can remember her saying while she was reading the literature, “This is the most grace-filled, redemptive approach to helping individuals escape their bondage to sexual sin that I have ever seen.” I was intrigued and began reading it myself. I found a modicum of hope, but I was still too prideful to confess my sin to my pastor or my wife.

I see much more clearly now how God was at work in my heart even in those dark times. I would eventually confess my sexual brokenness and the details of how I acted out sexually to my pastor in a moment of desperation. He met me in my brokenness; he held me, he wept with me, he repeated the truth of the gospel to me, and he encouraged me to tell my wife about my sexual struggle. It was a proper suggestion but one that I had too much fear to pursue at that time, but, in that moment, I was met with the goodness and grace of the gospel by my pastor, and it gave me hope.

I told myself that this is what it would take—confession of sexual sin to my pastor—to break the hold that my sin had on me. Once again, I received short-term relief, but my sinful, addictive patterns soon grabbed hold of me again.

So I continued to struggle until, several years later, God gave me a desire to pursue bi-weekly telephone counseling with David White, who was Harvest USA’s Men’s Ministry Coordinator at the time. David kindly and patiently worked with me to help me see my profound brokenness. He too encouraged me to confess my sin to my wife. When I finally did so in a moment of great guilt and shame following a binge of acting out, we were thrown into a major crisis that led to intense marital counseling and a sexual sobriety contract in which I promised to disclose to my wife within 24 hours any sexual acting out. Finally, I thought to myself, this is what it would take to enable me to stop. But it didn’t. Fourteen months later, I binged again while my wife was out of town and continued my deceit by failing to confess to her as I had promised. I was convinced that if I kept my promise to confess to her, I would lose my marriage and my family.

The truth always comes out, and I am grateful now that that was true in my case. Two months later, my wife confronted me, and I knew that I had to answer her pointed question honestly, confessing to what had happened months earlier. We were immediately thrown into another crisis, but, in retrospect, this moment was God’s gift, for God used my desperation to save myself and my marriage to get me to a twelve-step fellowship meeting with other men, many of whom were Christians, and the missing piece to my decades-long search was found.

After God created Adam, he pronounced, “It is not good that man should be alone.” Yes, God gave Eve to Adam as a helpmeet, but he also designed Adam for deep connection with others. Man was created for real intimacy, something I had never experienced because I was too fearful that I would be completely rejected and abandoned if anyone knew what I had done.

As I began attending twelve-step meetings and experiencing an honesty from others that I had never before experienced, I slowly discovered that God used my deepest fear of others knowing my most shameful secrets to bring true repentance and healing. As I began to let go of my secrets and discover anew God’s goodness, kindness, and unfathomable grace, the transformation of my heart began.

While this transformation would occur slowly over the next few years, I discovered real intimacy, not only with these other men who loved me and encouraged me to walk in obedience, but also real intimacy with my wife and my children. I developed deep friendships with other men that were transformative. I gradually came to realize that this was what God designed me for, that there was no way I could have ever been freed from my addiction to lust without the community of other broken but redeemed brothers in Christ.

My wife and I have done a lot of therapeutic work over the past twelve years. There have been some rough times along the path of healing, but now, more than ever, we both see God’s merciful hand in our lives, confirming again and again the good news of the gospel. For that, we are both grateful. And the pastor to whom I had confessed my sin years earlier has walked with us through many rough times; I am grateful that he is still my pastor today. He loved me, and he showed up as the hands and feet of Christ when I did not think myself worthy of God’s love.

Today, my life is much different than it was for those many decades during which I attempted, in my pride, to live life alone in order to protect my secrets. I have a much more profound intimacy with Jesus, who makes me and all things new. I have the great honor and privilege of sponsoring and mentoring six amazing young men, ranging in age from 27 to 40 who, like me, struggle with sexual brokenness but, by God’s grace, are living in freedom and seeking to walk in obedience before God one day at a time. God gives me a front-row seat to watch the Holy Spirit at work in these men’s hearts and minds.

I will always be grateful for Harvest USA. Its ministry of hope, healing, and forgiveness rooted in the reality of the gospel touched my life during a dark time of my soul and led surely and amazingly to the reality of knowing God and others in a way I never thought was possible. And I am grateful that I have a church today where my pastors know my story and have often sent other men to me—to share my story and to sit with them in their brokenness, offering the hope of the gospel and of deep friendships with other men who struggle as I do. I no longer have to live life as the hypocrite who desperately wanted to be affirmed by others as “godly husband, godly father, godly leader in the Church.” Today, I have a fresh realization of the truth of the gospel and my desperate need for true intimacy with God and with other men.


In this article, we do not disclose our ministry recipient’s real name because he has requested to remain anonymous.

The following is adapted from Unit 2, Lesson 1, of our newest curriculum for men, Discovery: A Biblical Support Group Curriculum for Men Pursuing Sexual Integrity, which is available as a FREE digital download here.

Do you really think the Church can be helpful to you in your current struggle? What impact do you think the Church has had, good or bad, on your struggle with sexual sin?

In Harvest USA’s Tree Model, the soil—your environment—is everything around you that you cannot control. Most of what has happened in your past is “fallen” and has been influential in the development of your particular sin patterns. Influential, but not determinative. The soil is not determinative because, ultimately, your heart is always interpreting and interacting with the soil. As we have seen in the last several lessons, though, the fallen world in which you live—in which your heart seeks life apart from God—plays a very significant role.

However, those of us who are in Christ, who have been given a new heart, also have new soil in one sense. Our new identity in Christ is not a lone identity. God puts every person with a new heart within a new context, the Church, which is called “the Body of Christ” in Scripture. Eventually, the new life we have in Christ will thrive in a wholly new heaven and new earth, perfect soil for a glorified humanity. For now, in this time of living by faith and not by sight, the Church is our experience of renewed soil. We are emphasizing here the fact that your placement in the Church is something that God has done; you don’t actually get to decide whether or not you will be a part of Christ’s Body.

Though a model can make everything seem neat and tidy, this life is messy and challenging, even in the Church. All of the patterns, habits, and desires of the old life are still with us. As the Apostle Paul says in Galatians 5:17, “flesh” wars with “Spirit.” This is the case for all the other people in Christ’s “Body” as well. The Church is made up of forgiven sinners on the path of being transformed, put into relationship with other forgiven sinners on the path of being transformed. So, the soil of the Church will seem like part-fallen soil, part-renewed soil. Yet, as with each of us individually, the Church’s true and eternal identity is not defined by the sin that remains but by the righteous and glorious future that is guaranteed in Christ. Indeed, the Church is the true and only soil in which our new hearts are designed to grow and thrive, so we must consider how God intends for that to happen. This is the subject of the next few lessons.

When we are united to Christ by faith and given new hearts, those new hearts are placed by God into the context of his Church, the community in which they are designed to grow and thrive.

In Ephesians 2:18–22, Paul uses three metaphors to describe the Church: citizenship, a household, and a building. We want to draw out some of the implications of those metaphors. A citizen belongs in his or her nation or commonwealth. A citizen has both rights and responsibilities—rights to benefits, to protection, and to enjoy the riches and resources of the nation, as well as responsibilities to loyalty and to participation in joint national activities, whether celebrations or wars. It shouldn’t be too hard to see how these things apply to our inclusion in the Church.

Household implies family, and the Church is our true family. The head of this household, our Father, is very rich! As members or his family, we enjoy his wealth, which is strength and power in our inner beings. It is Christ in our hearts through faith and a strong foundation “rooted and grounded in love.” Just like the love shared in a normal family is experientially deeper than in general relationships, we have insider knowledge of the love of Jesus as we experience his love in the context of the church family. God, who is more powerful than we can ever think, makes that power to work in us together, not just in individuals.

How much of what we wrongly seek in sexual sin—safety, love, affirmation, togetherness, power, and strength—is rightly provided to us in the Church? For many of us, our natural human families were not a source of many of these things, but we make a great mistake if we transfer our disappointment and pessimism about our families of origin to God’s family. We need to vigorously pursue the resources of being in God’s family.

Verses 21–22 depict the Church as a building or structure—specifically, a “holy temple.” The image of a temple highlights that God himself is among us, “a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.” “Being joined together” and “being built together” communicate the idea of the many different people in the Church enjoying deep unity. The vital connection to the foundation, the apostles, the prophets in the Bible, and Christ as the cornerstone is common to all the individual parts.

Despite a certain cynicism about the Church, we must strive to see the Church as God intended her to be. Our experiences in the Church as sexual sinners have often been rocky. The truth is that the Church hasn’t been a friendly, welcoming environment for many sexual strugglers, but this is not the way God designed it. It is never wrong for us to hear the promises of God’s Word and dare to believe them, in spite of past experiences.

It is far too easy for us to respond to descriptions of what the Church is designed to be by becoming cynical or critical of all the ways we think people in the Church have fallen short of this ideal. Indeed, the failure of God’s people is real; we are called to forbear and forgive within the Church, as well as cry out to God to heal his Church and make it flourish. We also should be asking God to help us see how our own actions or inactions have contributed to the Church not being what we may have hoped. Either way, God is asking each of us to play a part in being the Church. As we grow in this, not only will it bring essential help and strength for our own battles with sin, but we will also be used to encourage and build up others in the Church.

May you gain an appreciation for the necessity of the Church for your growth in Christ; reflect on how your sin struggle has negatively affected your ability to reap the full blessings of life in the Church; and grow in motivation to seek nourishment for your heart in the soil of the Church.

The following is adapted from Unit 1, Lesson 3, of our newest curriculum for men, Discovery: A Biblical Support Group Curriculum for Men Pursuing Sexual Integrity, which is available as a FREE digital download here beginning August 13, 2021.

Autonomy is literally self-rule. In the context of our relationship with God, it is broadly connected to our turning away from him, our rejection of him and all that he is. It is not just a desire to be free of his rule; it is a rejection of his care, a repudiation of his love, a condescension over his wisdom, and a mistrust of his plans and purposes. In a nutshell, it is turning away from all that God is and turning toward ourselves in order to be on our own.

This central heart-desire for autonomy, and the way it affects our ongoing experiences, is profoundly illustrated in the story in Genesis 3, though this is not just an illustration; it is the history of our fall into our current sin-filled existence. It also describes the personal sinfulness that shapes all of our lives. To truly see how this story is representative of our sin struggles, we need to have a biblical understanding of sin as being organically connected to the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of the heart. Our focus in this story is usually on the act of eating the forbidden fruit, so we don’t imagine sin having any existence until that final moment. It is true that the act of eating is “the sin” in its most mature form.

In Genesis 3:6, we see the woman perceiving the world around her with a heart that has already begun to turn away from God. She has begun to think of making life decisions independent of God. Again, this is autonomy because she interprets and evaluates the fruit on her own without the wisdom of God’s instructions. How does her ignoring of God’s perspective and instructions affect her perception of the fruit? Is any part of what she sees about the fruit only true if she removes God’s perspective and instructions from her sight? What should her perception have included if she had continued to heed and believe God’s words?

The idea is that the fruit would never have appeared “good for food” (good food doesn’t kill you) or “to be desired to make one wise” (it has made us all fools) if Eve’s heart was guided by a secure resting in God’s love and confidence in his instructions, even though the fruit may have had a certain objective “beauty.” Her heart desires and commitments shaped her interpretation of the reality in front of her!

However, an act is only the completion of what the heart has already committed to doing. As James 1:15 says, “Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and when it is fully grown brings forth death.” The childbirth imagery is helpful. We mark our age by the day we were born, but that day is only one stage of life, ending our time in the womb; more life is to follow. Similarly, sin begins with an initial stage, and more stages follow after the first one. Granted, in the first sin, Adam and Eve did not start with a hearts that were already corrupted, but, at some point, their hearts turned, the desire towards sin was conceived, and the sin that had been growing in their hearts was finally born as they sunk their teeth into the fruit. God gave us the whole story on their sin so that we would understand our own, not only as an action but also as a profound turning of our hearts away from him.

Before moving on, recall that the central desire of our fallen hearts is autonomy, imagining ourselves as independent of God and even in the place of God. In this lesson, you will seek to not only identify your fallen heart’s central desires but also to see how those desires continue to shape your perception and feelings about God, others, and yourself; to begin to see connections to your struggle with sexual sin and temptation; and to see your struggle with sexual sin on a deeper heart level and then begin to pray differently about your struggle.

The opposite of the central heart desire for autonomy is having hope in God, trusting in his purposes for us, growing confident in his Word and his character, being content with his gifts and timing, and receiving and trusting his love for us, just to name a few. The gospel working in your heart produces these things in you and helps you toward repentance from sexual sin. By seeing how your lack of trust, contentment, and lack of confidence in God’s love contributes to your sexual sin, you can begin to see how the opposite of these will …

Sample of Discussion Questions

  1. What things does the serpent say to the woman? How do you think the serpent is trying to get the woman to think and/or feel about God, about herself, and about the tree?
  2. Have you experienced any of these kinds of thoughts and feelings? Please describe.
  3. How do these thoughts encourage you to separate yourself from God? In other words, how do they tempt you towards autonomy?
  4. What are some of the actions and habits you see in your life that flow from the thoughts and feelings you listed in your response to question 2? How have these led you away from God?

Name: Jeffrey Minnis

Hometown: Philadelphia, PA

Position at Harvest USA: Administrative Assistant

Description of work at Harvest USA: As the administrative assistant, my duties cover a variety of things. I welcome visitors and ministry recipients when they arrive at our office. When people call Harvest USA, I answer their general inquiries, connect them to our direct ministry staff, and sometimes even have the pleasure of praying for them. As you can imagine, many of the calls I receive are from men and women who are really struggling, so prayer is a way that I can serve them right then and there. I also help to process donations, so I input gifts in our donor database and issue receipts for those gifts. When Harvest USA staff are getting ready to teach at an event or exhibit at a conference, I prepare and ship the materials they might need. I’ve also had the opportunity to exhibit for Harvest at various events, and that was a lot of fun!

How did you get to Harvest USA? I started working at Harvest USA about seven years ago, after a former Harvest USA staff member, who attended my church, offered me the administrative assistant position.

What is your favorite Scripture? The whole of Psalm 119. I love the way that the psalmist holds onto the Word of God through all the circumstances of his life: the joys, the pains, and the falls that he experiences. In every situation, he lifts up the Word and centers his very soul on it. This psalm gives such a resounding reminder that, day by day, we are to connect to his Word, to delight in it, and to meditate on it, for, when we do this, we are really delighting in and worshipping God, who is the Word!

What do you appreciate most about your local church? Ten years ago, when I began attending my church, the things that stood out to me most were the authentic love and fellowship of the folks there. This made me say, “Yes! I want to be a part of this church!”

What is your favorite thing about living in Philadelphia? Now, this will probably sound a little out of the ordinary, but one of the things that I love about Philadelphia is the bus system here. It is so easy to get around to various parts of the city by bus. I found out many years ago that not every city has this, so I have learned to really appreciate it. In addition, as a youth with no car, it was the bus system that taught me how to get around Philadelphia and its surrounding suburbs. Now, I am “that guy” whom my friends call when they need to catch a bus to get somewhere, and I don’t mind at all because I like helping!

Can you tell us an interesting fact about yourself? Here is an interesting fact that most people outside of my family do not know: I wanted and studied to be a comic book artist. I grew up drawing, and, at the age of 15, I decided that this was the profession for me, so I started creating my own stories and illustrating them. When I was 20, I went to a vocational-technical school for cartooning, and later I even met and befriended some people who were well-established comic book artists for both DC and Marvel. Since I’m at Harvest now, I would say that the Lord had another good calling in mind for me!

Today was sort of a typical day in which I bounced between hope and grief while I continue in the journey of parenting an adult daughter who is embracing a gay identity. The morning’s quiet time was especially helpful as I meditated on a passage in Mark 4. I was studying the story in which Jesus slept on the ship as it was tossed in a violent storm. The disciples, who were avid seamen, were quite adept at reading the weather on the water, but this storm evidently took them by surprise. The word used for “storm” here is something akin to hurricane winds—clearly a frightening threat. I can relate when I consider the storm that swept over us like a tidal wave as we became aware of our daughter’s assertions.

Jesus spoke out and said, “Peace! Be still!” In other places, “be still” is translated as “be muzzled,” like in Mark 1, when Jesus tells the unclean spirit in a man, “Hold thy peace.” This peace is literally an involuntary stillness. I realized that he wasn’t talking to the water but to the antagonist who brewed the distress and chaos. When Jesus commands Satan to be muzzled, Satan is involuntarily constrained in an instant.

I was reassured that there is absolutely no power that can contend with Jesus when he determines that it is time. At any moment, he can bring an end to the storm that the devil has launched in my daughter’s heart, a storm which has thrust her into deception and confusion regarding her sexual attraction and her relationship with God. While an end may not be instantaneously complete, still, his power is unlimited and uncontested.

Another account, which also takes place on the water, follows a couple of chapters later. The disciples were madly rowing their way out of a second storm. It seems that the enemy is good at bringing unexpected disasters into the lives of individuals who are seemingly prepared. In this instance, Jesus is described as walking on the water, and the Bible says that he “would have passed by them.” The expert rowers were working in their own strength to deliver themselves from their trial, and Jesus was willing to allow them to continue in their plight until they focused on him, recognized their inadequacy, and called out for rescue. He immediately comforted them and caused the storm to cease again. I was struck with gratefulness to be reminded that Jesus was so ready to answer their need when the disciples recognized their inadequacy and called out for deliverance.

The combined impact of these meditations was a reminder that I am unable to rescue my daughter from the storm that Satan has provoked, but, when Christ determines to command that the enemy release his grip, there is no question of who will be victorious. I felt hopeful and encouraged again that my sovereign Savior has complete power to still the waves, end the storm, and bring my daughter safely to harbor.

Bringing my concentrated time with the Lord to a close, I embarked on housecleaning. I had neglected it over the holidays, and there were many bedrooms in need of repair after the adult children departed. While in my daughter’s room, I longingly looked at some of the pictures of her as a toddler, a child, a teenager. I couldn’t help but feel mournful as I looked wistfully at the pictures. Certain thoughts came to my mind: “Back then, surely, she wasn’t . . . I had no idea then that she would become . . . In her childhood, I would never have believed that . . .” It’s painful and awkward to admit, but, honestly, it sometimes feels as if she’s died, though clearly it’s only the dreams that I imagined for her life that feel dead right now. I even enjoyed a vibrant conversation with her just last evening, yet there is such an immeasurable loss in which I seem to almost drown in at times.

And so, another typical day, in which I vacillated between hope and grief, has ended. Is this not the dichotomy of the Christian life? We experience turmoil and heartache in the world, and yet we live under the dynamic reality of Christ’s superseding power and compassion as our anchor and light. I need not succumb to fear of the storm because Jesus can end it with a mere word. He comforts me in my grief and promises to offer his aid as I acknowledge my insufficiency and focus on him. He understands that I have conflicting emotions, and he loves me. Dearly.

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In this article, we do not disclose our ministry recipient’s name because she has requested to remain anonymous.

If you’re a parent whose child identifies as LGBTQ+ and you’re looking for additional support and help, consider downloading our free digital resource, Shattered Dreams, New Hope: First Aid for Parents Whose Son or Daughter Has Embraced an LGBTQ+ Identity.

[Throughout my journey,] walking towards God and not away from him takes effort and deliberate choices. However, just yesterday, God brought to mind a quote from Harvest USA’s women’s support group: “I do not want to let Satan make me ineffective.” I also came across these words on a bookmark: “I refuse to…I choose to…,” something we had discussed in our group.

So, I refuse to let Satan squash my desire to glorify God with my sexual struggles. Instead, I choose to believe that God is good and faithful. His truth far outweighs the thoughts and emotions trying to take over my attitude. I will persevere with my eyes focused on Jesus and eternity, not on myself or on this life of light and momentary afflictions (2 Corinthians 4:16–18). Now, my testimony.

I have been a Christian since I was young, but it wasn’t until high school that I started to understand how the real gospel applied to life. Not long after, I figured out that I am attracted to women. It’s been about 15 years since I started this journey, and a lot has happened.

The part I’d like to share with you has to do with shame. Satan’s greatest weapon against me has been shame. Shame is a lie that says we’re worthless because of things we’ve done or things that have been done to us. Those lies must be measured against God’s truth because God tells us something very different. He tells us we are worth his Son’s life.

To give you a picture of where I went with shame, I basically walked out on my life four years ago. I distanced myself from almost everyone who loved me. I refused to associate myself with God. I rarely went to church. It wasn’t anger at God that led me to do those things; it was shame. I didn’t think I was worthy of calling myself a Christian, let alone broadcasting that I claimed to be one. I was in a very deep pit of darkness because I saw no way out and no future with purpose. Shame had eaten me alive.

My shame is rooted in a strong desire to be right—not me being right and you being wrong, but more like me doing what is right and honorable and always pursuing perfection in my thoughts and actions. (To be clear, these are the expectations I have for myself, not what I expect from others.)

For someone who wants so desperately to be right and pure, just knowing that my own sexual desires are twisted and broken produces a lot of shame. Choosing to actively pursue relationships with women, while knowing these choices were in direct rebellion against God, intensified my shame. My struggle lasted a number of years before my greatest shame, which came from taking that last step with women that I didn’t think I would ever take. When I finally let those relationships progress to a sexual level, I did it with a huge bang. God’s not kidding when he says that, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

I’m not sure if I just refused to let go of my shame or if I wasn’t aware I could, should, or needed to do it. Whichever it was, I know I felt utterly lost and powerless. God used a dear friend gently, but plainly, telling me I was hurting Jesus by not letting go of my shame. I was saying that his suffering and death weren’t enough. I tried to rationalize keeping my shame by saying he was already taking the punishment for my sins; I didn’t want him to have to feel the weight of my shame, too. But where is the gospel in that? He voluntarily died knowing that he would also be carrying that shame for me. That day, I asked forgiveness for holding onto my shame and started giving it over to him. He willingly took it; he keeps his promises.

God didn’t leave. He waited and then pursued me hard because he loves me. Once I repented, God started preparing my heart to step back into serving him. I completed the counseling homework I had previously abandoned. I was seeking God.

One day, I ended up in John 21. Now, nearly every time I read the exchange between Peter and Jesus after Jesus’s resurrection, I tear up. Peter had denied knowing Jesus three times before Jesus’s crucifixion after stating he would never do that exact thing. Peter’s pride showed, and then he fell hard—just like me! He denied even knowing Christ who loved him and who was willing to sacrifice his life to be Peter’s Savior. Imagine the shame!

But Jesus gently reminded Peter that his actions did not negate his love for Jesus. Peter couldn’t bring himself to say that he loved Jesus after his denial. He knew he had chosen to preserve himself instead of sacrificially loving Jesus. The tenderness Jesus shows Peter hits deep in my heart. Jesus recognized the struggle in Peter and made a point to assure him that he still loved him.

Then Jesus tells Peter to tend his sheep and follow him! I know levels of shame and certainty that I no longer had anything to give in this life, let alone give to God. I felt so broken that I would never be able to do anything worthy again. I thought I had failed God and had lived in complete rebellion: denying God, giving up hope that I could ever change, believing that he did not love me because he had left me with this unbeaten struggle.

If you can imagine the shame, then you can also imagine the feeling of knowing that God isn’t done with me; he has work for me to do. Reading about Jesus telling Peter he was worthy of being used for the kingdom’s sake is something I can latch onto. The work to which God called him was not second-rate. Does that give you hope for what God has in store for you? It does for me!

I need to hear the gospel frequently. That is the only thing that keeps me above water and out of the woods. God has provided people in my life to help me keep my eyes on him because, as much as this single, independent woman would like to do it on her own, it’s just not possible.

God provided a fellow struggler who shared her story publicly at a conference we both attended. She has been on this road with me longer than anyone else, and we have experienced the full gamut together. A great core group of people in my church have been walking with me for years, celebrating the victories, pointing me to Jesus, praying me out of the pits, and just doing life together. They are the people I can’t hide from, and that’s a good thing.

I’ve been connected to Harvest USA for almost nine years now, and I’ve seen God use the Women’s Ministry in my life. They have opened my eyes to Jesus’s compassion by helping me work through some of the deeper intricacies of my heart’s struggle. I have found a community of others pursuing Jesus in their sexual brokenness. I didn’t know I needed that community as badly as I did, but God did. He always provides.

I have been praying that anyone who reads this will have a renewed sense of hope. Because there is hope. I say that with such certainty. I’ve seen God show up over and over again in my life. He’ll do the same for you—I promise!


This blog is an adapted article from our  Fall 2020 Harvest USA magazine, which is available as a free digital download. In this article, we do not disclose our ministry recipient’s real name because she has requested to remain anonymous.


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