When Women’s Friendships Turn Sexual—Part 2

Click here for the first part of this two-part blog post, When Women’s Friendships Turn Sexual – Part 1, in which Ellen describes the kind of friendship between women that crosses over relational boundary lines into emotionally and sexually enmeshed relationships. 

God’s Word brings clarity and a new direction

God’s Word speaks hope and clarity to women who find themselves in relational lifestyles of emotionally enmeshed and sexually unholy, same-sex attachments. John 15 reorients our hearts as we long for a safe place to call home.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another. (John 15:1-17, ESV)

In this passage, Jesus describes himself as the true vine, and we are to be intimately connected to him as branches. He is the only one in whom we are to dwell in such intimacy and closeness. Female-to-female emotional and sexual entanglements are a distortion of John 15, as two “female branches” seek to make their partner the vine from which they draw their life.

                       Our true home is a person: Jesus Christ

The key to understanding the metaphor of vine/branches is first found in John 14:23, when Jesus says, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” Then, in the next chapter, Jesus explains this new “home:” it is a home that gives hope to women who long for deeper relationships. Women can be wonderful friends, Christian sisters, and spiritual companions to each other. They are meant to be branches living closely alongside each other. But branches are meant to be branches, not vines! Branches make lousy and destructive vine replacements! Only Jesus Christ is true Life, Security, Savior, and a HOME in whom we live and move and have our being.

Consider some biblical realities from Jesus’ words about what deep connection with Christ looks like, and apply it to yourself or the woman you know who is living somewhere along the spectrum of female homosexuality.

• I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing (v.5). Jesus explains that he is the vine and source of true life and what a life in God is meant to be. In him, we are branches and are created to remain, abide, and dwell in Christ. This language speaks of our deep connection with Jesus and the promise of John 14:23 being true in a person’s life.

Women who are drawn into these same-sex relationships are in one way or another seeking from another woman the kind of deep connection that should be reserved for God alone. Of course, this applies to heterosexual relationships as well. Branches are not meant to abide in one another or in isolation from one other. God’s healthy boundaries for relationships affirm intimacy and closeness, but when two women shrink their relational world to an entangled twosome, the relationship becomes an idolatrous, life-dominating focus.

Thoughts to ponder if you are a struggler:

1. What initial steps can I take to disentangle myself from this woman?
2. With whom can I talk to, think this through, and pray?
3. How do I need to grow in my understanding of remaining (abiding and dwelling) in Jesus Christ?
4. How do I need to let women off the hook for being a Jesus replacement in my life? (See Psalms 16 and 146, Colossians 3:1-17, James 5:16)

• If you remain in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples (vs. 7-8). Jesus gives a promise that comes from obedience to his command: As his words and truth make a home in us, our desires will increasingly be conformed to his will and purposes. Our thought lives will increasingly become free of obsession with one person as we learn to focus on him. Our affections will grow in being outward-focused on others, rather than on comforting ourselves through one intense relational connection. Our lives will grow in being increasingly uncluttered from the emotional prison of an enmeshed and dependent (idolatrous) relationship with another woman.

Thoughts to ponder:

1. What fills my thoughts and to what degree am I enslaved by fantasy or fear related to this friend or lover?
2. What steps do I need to take in learning how to have God’s Word become a home in me?
3. Who can I ask for help to learn how to have my mind transformed and my thoughts cleansed from so many sexual memories? (See 1 John 1:9, Romans 12:1-2, Phil. 4:4-8, Psalm 86:11)

• I am the true vine and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more Fruit. . . As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love (v. 1-2, 9-10). These verses offer promises for those who are in Christ (the cut-off branches refer to those who reject salvation in Jesus). Our loving Father is committed to shaping our lives to increasingly reflect the character of Christ. His pruning process is painful, and it will lead through valleys of loss, grief, and emotional pain. The road away from an enmeshed, same-sex sexual relationship is one that is painful and full of loss. Anguish and grief are real as a woman surrenders to the merciful pruning of Father God, turns from the Jesus-replacement in her life, and takes steps of loving obedience as an act of worship and trust, learning to abide in Jesus’ love.

Thoughts to ponder:

1. Pray for courage and strength to walk in obedience! If God is calling you to let go of an unholy relationship with a woman, is there a mature Christian you can go to for help, encouragement, prayer, accountability?
2. Jesus speaks of loving obedience and obedient love. Ask him to give you a desire to obey him and to grow in trusting his love for you. Jesus said one of the reasons he came is to heal the brokenhearted (see Isaiah 61 and Luke 4:18-20). It is through relationship with him that your hurting heart, and the places of pain in your life that have influenced you towards same-sex attraction, can be healed.

Although this article focused on one aspect of the female homosexual experience—the pull of emotional idolatry between women—there are many other facets that this blog post cannot totally describe. The next blog post will give a testimony of one women’s story.

Please feel free to drop me an email to talk about these things, ellen@harvestusa.org