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I, like every other father in the world, have a perfect daughter. My four-year-old princess is the only girl among four children. In theory, I know that my “perfect” daughter is a sinner. In reality, I actually believe that somehow she miraculously dodged the infection of original sin. At least, that’s the best rationalization I have in the fantasy-based, biased view I have of “daddy’s special girl.” Given her long, Shirley Temple curls, radiant smile, and warm personality, can you blame me?

This sentimental conception of my precious daughter works fine now as she currently emerges into “big girl” phase from toddlerhood. However, this naiveté will present major problems for her if I cling to it as she starts to enter school.

In my years of youth ministry, I have watched parents struggle to accept the realities about their maturing children. It’s hard. It’s sad. It’s a source of grief. We mourn our babies growing up and progressing toward adulthood. But here’s the truth: children do not remain babies forever.

I often have observed parents resisting this struggle in conversations about pornography and Internet protections. I tell all parents in all talks about technology in our church that they need an Internet reporting device on any screen to which their child has access. Just checking the Internet history is insufficient as 70% of kids admit to erasing history or concealing online activity from parents.¹

More times than I can count, I have suggested to parents of middle school boys that they install a filter and reporting device on their children’s phone and tablet. Too often, I have watched in amazement as parents suggest that their 14 or 15-year-old boy isn’t interested in things like that yet. He’s still so young.

I understand the struggle. I do not want to admit that my precious angel ever could have an interest in pornography. I can hardly imagine the thought of her receiving a sext solicitation from some teenage punk—and caving to the pressure. However, two sources tell me that I should not be so foolish.

If you have a boy, I promise you, that boy really wants to look at pornography. Porn is an incredibly powerful temptation for your son. Statistics suggest that your daughter has enough of a temptation to look at pornography that the risk warrants protecting her.

First, statistics tell us that the rate of teens accessing inappropriate material online is rampant. In the United States, 93% of boys and 62% of girls have looked at pornographic videos online before the age of 18.² And 54% of young people ages 18-22 admitted that they engaged in sexting while they were minors.³

The second (and more reliable) source, which warns of the risks and temptations of teenagers, is Scripture. The Bible does not paint a pretty picture of the human condition. Jesus said that “people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil” (John 3:19). Not “people have a mild attraction to” or “people stumble from time to time,” but people love darkness.

James writes that temptation is not simply evil wooing us from the outside. He said, “Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire (James 1:14, emphasis mine).  Our sinful nature wants to be tempted because it is inherently attracted to darkness. He does not say that the flesh tempts some people but that it tempts “each” and, thereby, every person.

Here’s what I am saying about your child’s inherent sinfulness as it relates to sexual sin and technology. If you have a boy, I promise you, that boy really wants to look at pornography. Porn is an incredibly powerful temptation for your son. Statistics suggest that your daughter has enough of a temptation to look at pornography that the risk warrants protecting her.

As challenging as accepting this reality may be, your children—like my children—have not escaped the effects of the fall. They have a natural affinity to sin sexually. Of course, your child needs you to be their champion and cheerleader who believes the best in them. Simultaneously, your child also needs you to be the responsible adult who realizes that his or her sinful flesh can lead them into very damaging places if they are not protected. If parents cannot accept their child’s inherent sinfulness and take action, then they will endanger their child.

Jesus said “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29). He exercises hyperbole here in telling people to exercise whatever means possible to distance themselves from temptation and sin.

While Christ’s words here pertain to our own sanctification, this principle can be extrapolated to parenting, as well. Technology opens doors to sexual sin for your child—so close them. Install a filter/monitoring system on every device and apply parental controls.

Parents, I plead with you, do not be naïve. Protect your child.

¹http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/25/tech/web/mcafee-teen-online-survey/index.html
² https://www.brushfiresfoundation.org/youth-are-exposed-to-pornography-worldwide/
³Van Ouytsel J; Ponnet K; Walrave M. “The associations between adolescents’ consumption of pornography and music videos and their sexting behavior,” Cyberpsychol Behav Soc Netw. 2014 Dec; 17(12): 722-8.

For those who struggle with life-dominating sexual struggles, repenting is something that is hard to do. We resist it. We run from it. Why? Bob Heywood talks about the reasons why it’s so hard  — and what the one key thing you need to do to stop resisting.

Click to read Bob’s blog on this:  Repentance and Resistance.

Repentance and Resistance

Repentance is a hard thing to talk about. We might have a certain confidence in our ability to articulate what the Bible says about repentance, but when we take an honest look at our repentance, in the light of what we know the Bible teaches, we can become very discouraged.  Truth be told, we don’t know what a life of repentance is supposed to look like. When was the last time you talked about it in your home Bible study group? Around your dinner table? With your friends?

Are we modeling repentance in our churches? Jack Miller, the author of Repentance and the 20th Century Man, said that the leaders of the church (pastors, elders, deacons, etc.) should be the lead repenters. In other words, the congregants should know what repentance looks like by observing the lives of their leaders.

How true is that in your church? Martin Luther said, “When Jesus Christ said, ‘Except you repent you will all likewise perish,’ he was not talking about a one-time event but rather a life time of repentance.”

I resist repentance because of my deep sense of shame over my sexual sin. I find it hard to believe God could love a pervert like me.

I think about this subject a lot because the men who come to Harvest USA struggle with the reality of going to church and feeling like they’re the only ones who need to repent.

For them, not only is repentance not modeled well for them, repentance is a hard thing to do. They resist it and believe me, I know what that resistance is like in my own life.

I resist repentance because of my deep sense of shame over my sexual sin. I find it hard to believe God could love a pervert like me.  Feeling like a pervert is a shame-based self-identity that sticks to us like tar.

I resist because I feel like I’ve sinned my way past God’s desire to pursue me. I’ve gone too far, I’ve sinned too much. He’s not going to want me anymore.

I resist because I haven’t made myself good enough again for him. I first need to pray more or read the Bible more or tell more people about Jesus. I got work to do.

I resist because I simply can’t believe he would accept me right here and now.

To be honest, I resist God simply because He is God! He is too big for me to take in. Too much holiness for me. Too sovereign for me. He knows too much about me. When the Psalmist says “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain” (Psa. 139:6), I think to myself, I’m not even going to go there!  I resist some more.

These are all lies that shame tells me about myself.

The only way I can do what I need to do—which is to resist those lies!—is to speak truth to myself. Truth about what repentance really is.

And it starts with this truth. You need to first repent of your inability to receive God’s love and grace for you. Let me explain how this first step leads us to freedom and joy.

I believe that faith and repentance are opposite sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.  You obviously need faith and repentance to be saved, and I don’t believe God is asking for two different things. As you begin to believe — you are starting to repent. That’s why if we take an honest look at our faith we can get discouraged.  Jesus said, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you” (Luke 17:6).

So this is again what I’m saying to anyone struggling with sexual behavior you can’t seem to stop—you need to first repent of your inability to receive God’s love and grace for you. 

I don’t know about you, but when I read this, I realize that I must have very little faith. And while that’s true, here’s a bigger truth I have to speak to myself:  It’s not my faith that saves me, it’s the object of my faith that saves me.

It’s the same thing with repentance.  It’s not my repentance that saves me; it’s who I’m turning to. It’s not how sincere I am, but how sincere God is. That is the reason we are saved by faith and not by love. If our salvation depends on our love for God we immediately turn love into a work that we have to do.

Then our conversations with God sound like, Why don’t you believe I love you, God?  Or, What else do you want me to do? Let’s stop looking at what we bring to the table and look at what Christ brings to the table. Hey! That’s something to repent of! God doesn’t need to believe us.  We need to believe Him.

So this is again what I’m saying to anyone struggling with sexual behavior you can’t seem to stop—you need to first repent of your inability to receive God’s love and grace for you.

But here’s the second thing to know about repentance. God will take you places where you can’t avoid Him. The verse before Psa. 139:6 says, “You hem me in, behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”  And Peter said, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).

God has cornered me with nowhere else to go but to Him. Perhaps you are feeling this right now. But the good news is, when I look at my behavior as the very thing Jesus died for, I’ve got no other alternative but to submit to Him. Nobody else points directly at my sin and calls it what it really is. His blood is the only honest solution for my dilemma.

I submit to Him when I’m honest with Him about my sin. When I learned that my sexual struggle was not just a habit I couldn’t stop doing, but it was idolatry and turning to something else besides God for my source of comfort and strength, then I could confess accurately. I could thank God for opening up my eyes to see things as they really are.

Then another truth hits me: I have really sinned, but God really loves sinners!

To me, that is what a life of repentance looks like. Appreciating more and more God’s character that we can’t help turning to Him. His perseverance with us is disarming. We can’t avoid Him. So we find ourselves acknowledging the movement in our hearts away from Him and His will, but that doesn’t have to stop us from turning back toward Him.  Because we know of His eternal commitment to us for His glory.

Understanding the reasons for our resistance enables us to truly repent.


You can watch Bob  talk  more about this on his accompanying video: Why Do I have Such a Hard Time Repenting?  These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.

It’s easy to fall in love, but to rebuild it after one spouse sexually sins has unique difficulties and challenges. Ellen interviews one couple who worked through the challenges and discovered how God knit them back together.

Click here to read Ellen’s complete interview with Drew and Tilina. And click here to read the full version of our latest harvestusa magazine.

 

After Drew’s admission of years of secret pornography usage, he and Tilina got involved with Harvest USA’s biblical support groups. Ellen Dykas, Harvest USA’s Woman’s Coordinator, asked them to share their story on what helped them reconnect and rebuild intimacy back into their marriage.

Ellen: Can you share briefly what happened in your marriage?

Tilina: Two years into our marriage, Drew confessed to years of pornography addiction. Our sexual intimacy had grown distant and infrequent, as his sexual sin caused him to experience arousal only through images and not a real human being: me, his wife! When his years of deceit came to light, my trust broke to pieces.

Ellen: What was most difficult—and most helpful—in rebuilding trust?

Tilina: Rebuilding trust certainly required effort from both of us. I needed honesty from Drew at all costs, no matter how minor the situation, because I had no gauge of what was true anymore. Hiding or omitting anything would be detrimental to me emotionally. I also needed answers to many questions, even those to which I feared the answers. I started with trusting God, knowing he had my best interest at heart and would help me to trust Drew again.

Drew: It was difficult to disclose and then handle the harsh results of my sin. I had to trust that God could redeem and heal the relationship by shedding my pride and selfishness, learning that the two of us couldn’t rebuild the intimacy of our marriage on our own. The most helpful thing for me was learning how to depend on God by being on my knees and crying out to him. Only the gospel and prayer allowed Tilina and me to grow into a restored marriage.

Ellen: How did Drew’s sexual betrayal impact your sexual relationship?

Tilina: I was stunned when I found out why Drew was so lacking in sexual desire and response to me. After discovering that, I not only lacked any desire to be intimate with him, I felt unattractive, unloved, and, most of all, not good enough as a woman. I didn’t trust him, and I didn’t feel safe around him. But I also desperately wanted to be enough for him. I felt trapped. I didn’t want to share myself sexually, but I would force myself in an attempt to keep him from viewing pornography, and he feared me thinking he was going back if he wasn’t petitioning me for sex. A year after Drew’s confession we were having sex often but not exactly for the right reasons. Our sexual relationship was driven by fear.

A year after Drew’s confession we were having sex often but not exactly for the right reasons. Our sexual relationship was driven by fear.

Ellen: So if you realized that your sexual relationship at that point was unhealthy, what did you do then?

Tilina: In order for us to reconnect inside the bedroom, we first had to develop a strong connection outside the bedroom. The most important thing was being vulnerable. We wanted our sexual relationship to be the “icing on top” of our increasing emotional and spiritual intimacy. After much prayer and discussion, we decided to fast from sex for 90 days.

Our purpose was to grow emotionally and spiritually, and also for Drew to attempt to rewire his brain from the damage caused by years of pornography. This trying and grueling task showed us how God knit us more closely together even when sex wasn’t an active part of our relationship. During that time we daily prayed and read devotions together. We also practiced extended cuddling and uninterrupted listening, both of which allowed us to grow closer. All this helped us to put our sexual relationship in a much better place.

Ellen: How would you encourage a hurting spouse who is fearful about moving forward sexually, post-betrayal?

 Tilina: Rebuilding sexual intimacy is tough, because you’ll both feel so far apart. You may find that what cannot be said can instead be felt through touch. Other times, you may be able to talk but still be unable to let yourself be vulnerable enough to touch each other intimately or make love like you used to. Talk to each other directly about your feelings. Be honest if you don’t want to have sex. If you’re open to being physical, but not sexual, tell your spouse what those things are. If you both feel safe, this can move toward sexual intercourse, but it doesn’t have to. Touching, hugging, snuggling, or even showering together may be the goal for the first few weeks or months. Try to be patient with one another and take your time.

Let me encourage you that there is beauty in the struggle. I heard a pastor once say, “Whatever we seek to cover, God will expose it. Whatever we expose God will cover.” Through all this our desperate need for grace becomes illuminated by a perfect loving Savior who grips us into his arms. 

Drew: I would encourage a husband who was the betrayer that moving forward is going to burn. I cannot sugarcoat this. But it’s not a furnace of annihilation; rather it’s the grace of refinement. Your pride and self-worship will be chiseled away. Though at first fear and uncertainty may set in, don’t give up; when you realize that God is working all things for your good, you can be more vulnerable to expose your weaknesses and disclose the warfare in your heart. You’ll see your spouse as a helpmate, a friend who truly loves and cares for you, rather than feeling like she’s a drill sergeant or CSI detective.

During this time take steps to build your relationship with your wife vertically; that is, reintroduce God. Pray together, read the Bible together. Horizontally, set up date nights, sleep naked with each other, and fast from sex to rebuild intimacy as you learn to love each other once again without the mask.

Let me encourage you that there is beauty in the struggle. I heard a pastor once say, “Whatever we seek to cover, God will expose it. Whatever we expose God will cover.” Through all this our desperate need for grace becomes illuminated by a perfect loving Savior who grips us into his arms.

Drew and Tilina Chheang have been married for four years. They have a two-year-old son and two daughters, ages 12 and 15, from a previous marriage. Drew works in the housing industry and plans to attend seminary in the near future. Tilina is a stay-at-home mother and intends to continue her education with a Masters in counseling.


Watch Ellen’s interview with Drew and Tilina Chheang here. These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.

Many who come to Harvest USA battling a serious pornography problem are married. Some discussed their struggle with their spouses before getting married, while others kept it completely hidden. Pornography’s impact on a marriage can be devastating, sometimes to the point of becoming the main factor in a couple’s divorce.

With this danger in mind, is your fiancé’s use of pornography grounds to call off an engagement—or even to end the relationship? If sexual sin, past and present, can destroy a marriage, raising those questions before taking vows becomes a matter of wisdom. It’s also a matter of necessity today. With the universality and accessibility of pornography, almost no one’s heart and mind today are untouched by its impact. Younger generations of Christians, especially, have grown up with high-speed Internet and its ability to deliver pornography anywhere and at any time.

If sexual sin, past and present, can destroy a marriage, raising those questions before taking vows becomes a matter of wisdom. It’s also a matter of necessity today. With the universality and accessibility of pornography, almost no one’s heart and mind today are untouched by its impact.

If almost everyone is affected by porn in some way, then it is not enough to simply ask your fiancé, “Have you looked, or are you looking, at pornography?” That’s not going to decide your answer about the relationship. Rather, you need a follow-up question if the (likely) answer is yes, “If this is an ongoing issue, in what direction is your struggle going?” Meaning, what is he or she doing about it? Is your fiancé showing a growing desire to honor Christ in all areas of life? Is that seen in how he or she acknowledges struggles, confesses sins, and shows evidence of repenting?

To better understand/comprehend the question and evaluate the answer, here are three key ways to gage that process.

Is your fiancé growing in openness and transparency?

First, is your fiancé growing in being open and transparent with you and others about this struggle? Many couples never discuss sexual issues, much less struggles, even when the relationship is clearly heading for the altar. But these issues need to be brought into the open. More than ever, it is essential that couples receive biblically-based pre-marital counseling. Discussing sexual issues with a third party provides a degree of safety for talking through these issues. Navigating this kind of disclosure without help can be scary and difficult. How much should I share, and what details should I give? This is why having an experienced pastor, counselor, or older mentoring couple walk with you is recommended. The goal of this disclosure is meant to promote intimacy, but done carelessly, without wisdom, it can have the opposite impact.

The third party can also provide discernment on the health of the relationship, answering critical questions about proceeding towards marriage. Sometimes the intensity of the struggle might indicate that the relationship should slow down, and any plans for marriage be postponed until further evidence of success is demonstrated. You need an outside voice to help you make that decision.

This transparency not only needs to happen in pre-marital counseling; it should be an ever-increasing way of how you are currently living. Is your fiancé open about other things in his life, or do you sense that he keeps some things hidden? One devastating consequence of pornography usage is a typical pattern of deceit and hiding, which eventually bleeds into all areas of life. In addition, do you both have trusted people in your lives who really know where you struggle, both individually and as a couple? The biggest barrier to fighting sexual sin is living in secrecy.  Shame does that to us.

Proverbs 18:1 says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (ESV). If your fiancé has never told anyone else about his struggle, then that is a sign he’s not ready to deal with his sin, and he’s also unable to see the situation with any clarity. Danger ahead!

Are specific steps being taken to avoid sources of temptation?

Secondly, is your fiancé actively taking steps to remove clear sources of temptation in her life? If she struggles with her phone or laptop, has she gotten accountability software and put up filters? Or maybe she’s even gone back to a dumb phone, because she knows that having 24/7 availability to the web is a dangerous place for her to live. Though simply removing access to pornography does not guarantee a changed heart, it is evidence that your fiancé takes this struggle seriously. We often have a love/hate relationship with our sin patterns, and it is typical for most of us to be tempted to keep a back door open to our sin. We don’t seriously want to be free of it. Intentionally eliminating those back doors is evidence that she is not simply managing sin; she wants to kill it.

1 Peter 5:8 tells us to be sober-minded and watchful because the devil seeks to devour us. Taking real, sacrificial steps to avoid sources of temptation means that you accurately understand the weight of the situation. Real change needs to happen at the level of heart, but that change is facilitated by humbly recognizing the need for clear boundary lines to live within. For the sake of loving God and others well, we willingly accept restrictions that make it harder to engage in sin.

Deciding to postpone or call off an engagement or relationship requires the insight of trusted and competent mentors.

Are other people holding your fiancé accountable?

Thirdly, accountability is the natural result of transparent living. If your fiancé has taken the difficult step of sharing his struggle with trusted friends and mentors, is he also willing to be held accountable to them? A one-time confession of a private struggle is often a liberating and freeing experience. But the harder work comes in the regular discussion about how the fight has been going and what changes need to be implemented to fight better. If he is willing to be challenged and called to account by men who care about his soul, then you both will experience the fulfillment of God’s promise to “give grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).

Establishing who bears this burden of accountability is important. It is unhelpful for a (future) spouse to become the “porn police.” This does not mean that couples fail to confess their sins to one another, but it does mean that the one who struggles has friends in his or her life who regularly ask hard questions. Consequently, the accountability partners have access to speak freely to the couple and their counselors to give their input. Having accountability partners outside of the romantic relationship provides additional support for the struggler. Without it, a constant temptation to worry and speculate can seriously impair the relationship; with it, the fiancé knows that the problem is being addressed and that her intended spouse is getting the help he needs.

We’ve looked at three key areas to consider if your fiancé is struggling with pornography: increasing transparency, actively fleeing temptation, and accountability. If one of these areas is lacking or non-existent, some serious and difficult discussions—and decisions—need to happen. But, again, this should not be done alone. Deciding to postpone or call off an engagement or relationship requires the insight of trusted and competent mentors.

In addition to discussing struggles with pornography, Christian couples need to honestly address how they are honoring Christ in maintaining sexual integrity in their relationship before marriage. Christian couples today are as sexually active before marriage as their secular counterparts. A false line is drawn to rationalize their behavior; everything short of intercourse is defined as not being sex. There are good reasons for delaying sexual intimacy before marriage, and one of them is learning to center your relationship on Christ by jointly encouraging each other to obey and trust his will. If disobedience is brought jointly into the marriage, then a perilous pattern is established. How you choose to honor God and one another through sexual integrity in one season of life will show your commitment and fitness for the next season.

Take heart, brothers and sisters: God does not call or bless only those with perfect obedience to him. His grace covers a multitude of sins, and that same grace can enable both of you to turn from destructive relational patterns and toward honoring Christ in this important area of life. And taking appropriate, wise steps, before saying your vows, is an investment that will reap a harvest of righteousness and joy in God’s glorious covenant of marriage!


You can watch Mark talking some more about this on his video: Is a Struggle with Pornography a Deal-Breaker for Getting Married? These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.

Are you engaged? In a relationship and thinking about getting married? You’ve got lots to talk about—and be honest about with your future spouse. But the time to talk about these things is now, before you make your vows. And one critical thing to discuss is pornography and sexual sin.

Click here to read more of what Mark says couples must do before the wedding, “Is a Struggle with Pornography a Deal-Breaker for Getting Married?” And click here to read the full version of our latest harvestusa magazine.

John Freeman’s more than 35 years of experience in helping pastors and church leaders comes through in his advice to one pastor who discovers sexual sin among his own church leadership.

Click here to read John’s accompanying article, “Pastors: Don’t Be Afraid to Take the Lid Off.

The pastor on the other end of the phone call was nervous. The uneasy tone in his voice told me that he was both uncomfortable and distressed. He had called seeking advice because he didn’t know what to do. “I think pornography use among the men in my church is at an epidemic level. But, frankly, I’m afraid to take the lid off it and address the pornography struggle openly.” He then related that, over the previous months, several men had shared with him about their secret, lifelong pornography struggles and recent failures with Internet porn.

I congratulated him on being someone who others obviously felt was approachable with this very sensitive and shaming issue. He went on to tell me what perplexed and paralyzed him the most. “You don’t understand, John. Some of these men are leaders in my church—a Sunday school teacher and a deacon. It could be a major disruption for me to address these issues straightforwardly.” He also told me his foremost fear: If this was happening amongst his leadership, how pervasive might this be with other guys in the church?

That’s when I pushed into his fears and unbelief—his fear about how it would all turn out and his unbelief that God could do something powerful in the lives of the men in his church

The situation was too overwhelming to him, hence his hesitancy to boldly dive in. This was evident to me when he shared, “There’s a part of me which would just rather not know.” That’s when I pushed into his fears and unbelief—his fear about how it would all turn out and his unbelief that God could do something powerful in the lives of the men in his church. I talked to him about what it seemed like the Lord was doing and could now do even more through his involvement. I also bluntly told him that the obstacle to growth and change for these men was not just their sin, it was now him. (Not sure he liked me saying that.)

In reality, he was so caught up in his own fear that he didn’t see this: The confessions made by these leaders were orchestrated by God. When our eyes are on ourselves—our fears, our inabilities—don’t we often miss the big picture of how God is working? This situation was a golden opportunity for him. I tried to encourage this pastor and also challenge him. “Obviously, for this to begin to come to light among some of your men—well, this is nothing less than a movement of the Spirit. How can you not pursue your leadership in a more wide-scale and intentional way?” I asked.

Yes, in the short-term, moving into these men’s lives might be messy. He might find out things he’d rather not know. Patterns of temptation, strongholds, and other sin tendencies would be uncovered and might be deeper and more complex than feared.

However, I also helped him to see that his involvement could be transformative for these men. I urged him to take the long view and picture the outcome down the line of helping these men turn from porn to Christ. He could have men more appreciative of God’s mercy, more engaged with their wives and families, and more active in the church. They could move to a new understanding of Jesus as one who meets us in the midst of the chaos of our lives to show us our deep-seated idols and replace them with his grace-filled presence. Walking alongside these strugglers might have far-reaching consequences and could be dramatically redemptive for those who had confessed.

I shared the example of Stan, a former participant in one of our support groups at Harvest USA. Although a church leader, Stan had been caught up in a web of pornography for years. Finally, he began to attend one of our groups. About a year later, he told me one night, “I’m starting to see that Jesus just isn’t a self-improvement program. As painful as it is, he’s doing radical surgery on my heart in ways I never imagined.”

Stan saw his whole being transformed as he became aware of the ways he had robbed his family (time, energy, and involvement), others (showing up for church but not much more), and the Lord (failing to tithe for years due to the hundreds of dollars a month he spent on online subscriptions to porn websites). Stan began to develop a godly sorrow for his sin, along with a joy-filled understanding of the gospel. As a result, his repentance was like Zacchaeus; he began to give back his time, energy, and resources to his family and local church as if they were not his own, but the Lord’s.

I finished our conversation telling this pastor that whatever mess he might uncover would be well worth it. I think he started to get the picture.

P.S.: Check out my article that speaks to church leaders, “Sex and the Silence of the Church, Why it is Crippling God’s People.


You can watch John talking some more about this on his video, Pastors: Don’t Be Afraid to Take the Lid Off. These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.

In my third post, we need to look at how renewing your mind requires “putting off.”  If you’ve been looking at porn for any length of time, you have a toxic waste dump in your mind that takes time and intentionality to clean up.

The first blog in this short series talked about the importance of taking thoughts captive, which means considering them in God’s presence. In the last blog, we looked at specific ways to engage God, turning temptation into opportunities for worship. In the language of Colossians 3 and Ephesians 4, both of these blogs were focused on the importance of “putting on.” This is a crucial aspect of the Christian life: becoming the man or woman God has created you to be.

This time, I want to briefly consider the importance of intentionally “putting off” things that keep you stuck in old patterns of thinking and behavior.

By the end of our introductory group at Harvest, as men grow in sexual obedience, they usually begin to experience conviction in other areas of their life. First, they start intentionally battling against their roving eyes. They realize that this “low level” exploitation of others, reducing them to commodities to consume, is part of their bigger lust problem.

A renewed mind is the result of both “putting off” and “putting on”

They also begin to realize that their engagement with certain cultural items or events is a problem. Some men realize that listening to sports radio with the incessant ads for strip clubs is a hindrance to keeping their minds focused on Christ and his kingdom. Because it calls to mind past experiences or fantasies, they choose to abstain from listening.

A renewed mind requires an active fight against a culture that continuously tilts toward the pornographic

Many have a growing conviction that various forms of entertainment (like movies and cable TV shows depicting nudity and sexuality), not only entice them to sin, but are actually dishonoring to God. They become spiritually attuned in ways they hadn’t been for years, since they’d been searing their conscience through their sin. Many are awakened for the first time to the importance of all the seemingly small decisions they make throughout their days, learning that there is a growing cumulative effect from what they see and do.

What we watch and hear sinks in and impacts our hearts. We are constantly bombarded by messages running counter to God’s calling and Christ’s kingdom. A renewed mind requires an active fight against a culture that continuously tilts toward the pornographic.

Conversely, men who continue to indulge their flesh in these outwardly less significant ways, struggle to make real traction overcoming their enslavement to pornography. So, some questions for you:

Where do you need greater conviction of how your use of entertainment might be part of the problem, keeping you stuck in a pornified way of viewing the world?

Are you actively fighting against the “second look” when you see someone you’re attracted to?

Where are the broken views of sexuality in our culture affecting your heart?

And, as we’ve been discussing in the past couple blogs, are you more quickly engaging God when that happens? Are you living with an increased awareness of his presence?

A renewed mind is the result of both “putting off” and “putting on.”

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” This means an important part of renewing your mind is breaking the ways we’ve been fitted into the world’s mold.

You need to realize that pornography has radically warped your worldview in all kinds of ways: views of sex and sexual activity, diminishing the intrinsic value of all humanity, and prizing people according to “sex appeal.” If you’re married you need to understand this: A significant reason why many are dissatisfied with sex is because we’ve bought into lies about sexuality. Unrealistic lies that lead us to use our spouses rather than give to them; lies that need to be addressed by the truth of God’s Word.

Until you start intentionally distancing yourself from all the ways this twisted worldview is being reinforced, you will not experience a renewed mind and you’ll stay stuck in patterns of sexual sin. But consider what is available to you: living joyfully within God’s will and design for your life, experiencing the blessing of his presence as you keep in step with his Spirit, and knowing what is “good and acceptable and perfect.”

Your loving, heavenly Father wants you to know freedom from the curse of broken, insatiable sexuality as you enter the wide, spacious places of his love and renewal.


To see Dave talking more about this issue, click on Dave’s video blog, Pornified Mind: Reclaiming your thought life, Part 3. These short videos can be used as discussion starters in small group settings, mentoring relationships, men’s and women’s groups, etc.

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