Real Life Conversations: Leaders and the Minefield of Discussing Sexuality and Gender

Real Life Conversations: Leaders and the Minefield of Discussing Sexuality and Gender

In general, people rarely come forward to talk about their sexuality, sexual struggles or sexual identity issues. Therefore, it can be difficult to address people pastorally, even when pastors are willing and want to help people deal with their sexual brokenness. On the other hand, pastors are sometimes increasingly reluctant to address these issues themselves.  One member of a church filled with millennials told me that his church never addresses issues like sexuality at all.  That’s pretty ironic, given that this generation is the most porn-exposed, gay-affirming, and pro-gay marriage group of any generation – even in very conservative churches. In the absence of guidance from church leaders, the culture has done its own job of discipleship in this area quite well!

“Every day, it’s almost like I’m only one step away from starting to believe that, just maybe, we are the ones who have been wrong [about homosexuality].”

Indeed, pastors have told me they fear that the culture, sexually speaking, is starting to impact their leadership and elders as well.  Case in point?  Sam, an elder at a larger congregation with a mostly younger crowd, confessed to me recently, “Every day, it’s almost like I’m only one step away from starting to believe that, just maybe, we are the ones who have been wrong [about homosexuality].”

Phil, a pastor in a large metropolitan-area church, told me that some people stopped attending his church when they found out that the church held a biblically faithful stance on homosexuality.  “Visitors are often offended when they learn what we believe about this issue, even though we talk about it with grace and mercy.”  It’s true.  Today it’s quite normal for someone to inquire of an individual, once they find out they are a Christian, “Well, what do you think about homosexuality?  Is it a sin?”  It’s seen as the new barometer of trustworthiness in the eyes of the inquirer.  In an analogous way, church visitors, even those who may attend an introductory or membership class, also want to know up front now, “What does your church think about homosexuality?”  One pastor described trying to navigate these waters today as a minefield—no matter what he says or how kindly he will say it, someone is going to be upset. In fact, the upset party may very well leave the church, perhaps taking some others with them.

Maybe that’s why one pastor of another large city church told me not long ago, “We’ll never have anyone from Harvest USA come and speak to our congregation.  I don’t want to offend anyone, especially those who may be gay in the church.”  Well, okay, but my question to that pastor would be, “How do you plan to educate your people biblically about sex and sexuality?  Or are you just going to let them figure it out for themselves, continuing to allow the hundreds of other voices out there be their instructors?”  I also wonder how struggling members of such a congregation might ever be encouraged towards honesty, faith, and repentance when it comes to their sexual temptations, struggles, and sin—to even want to get help.

My guess is that fear of man and a desire to not upset the applecart are often ruling forces here.  We err when we dismiss or fail to teach on something as big and important to God as sex. If we talk about these things biblically (as in really teaching what God says), we may fear that our message won’t go over well with those who are exploring the faith.

But church leadership doesn’t have to walk on eggshells, fear, be confused, or choose silence.  Yes, teaching and speaking the whole counsel of God, offering mercy and grace all the while, can be a challenge. Yes, we’ll need to be more strategic in learning how to engage the culture that is already deeply influencing our own people. But if there’s any time that we must proclaim the truth and grace of God about these issues, it’s today!

Harvest USA wants to help pastoral staff, other church leadership, elder boards, etc. better consider how to communicate all this to their congregation.  No longer can we just wait on the sidelines.  As leadership, we must intentionally think about how we can guide and help our people better understand God’s intention in these areas.

Please let us know if you’d like Harvest USA staff to help your church leadership and key volunteers think through these things. Your church staff and other leadership will be much better prepared to help the congregation if you do.  Send me an email for more information on how your church leadership can begin to tackle these issues—and, therefore, be enabled to lead your people well in concerns close that are close to the heart of God.

John Freeman
About The Author
John began his ministry with Harvest USA as a volunteer while in seminary. As President of the organization he champions the mission of Harvest USA. He has a deep burden to see those who struggle with pornography, homosexuality and other sexual addictions experience changed lives through Jesus Christ. John spends most of his time helping churches be equipped to better care for the hearts of individuals and families vulnerable to these struggles.

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